No Contact Letter Sent

[susiestar]

Sorry to not be posting much. Can't type easily but am reading all posts.

Bro just walked in when we didn't answer the door today. He had his daughter with him and came to pound on my door and yell through it to answer the door because he had a right to wish me a happy birthday and I was acting like a child.

He was told to leave the property or I was calling the police. He insisted on having his daughter say happy birthday. I didn't answer. I HATE that she is in the middle.

Per the police, who I called but did not have come out because he was driving away when they answered, I have to send a letter telling him not to contact us or be on our property. If he violates it even to sending mail, then I can get a RO against him. I want to not have to do that because it will greatly upset my father, moreso than my mother.

Thanks to all of you who helped me be strong enough to do this. I appreciate it, and so do my kids. THey were locked in thank you's room because I figured if bro came in he would come to my door.

I hate the conflama, and the fact that he is an ashol but I am taking this next step to getting him out of my life permanently. YIPPEE!

 

[Shari]

Good for you, Susie. You're doing what you need to do for you and your family. Maybe someday bro will get it. Til then. he can quit terrorizing you and your family.

 

[KTMom91]

Stay strong, Susie. You're absolutely doing the right thing to protect yourself and your family. Many, many hugs.

 

[trinityroyal]

Susie, I'm proud of you for staying strong. You're doing exactly what you need to in order to protect your family and yourself. How DARE your brother think it's okay to just walk into your house. And I'm very glad that you had the forethought to lock your children in thank you's room, where they would be safest. Sorry that your brother continues to be this way. Your actions are simply the consequences of his.

And I hope you're having a good birthday despite your brother's efforts.

Many hugs,
Trinity

 

[AnnieO]

You go girl!!!

Stay with it - do not waver - you can borrow some rhino skin from me any time!

 

[klmno]

Hey, Susie- I'm sorry it has come to this with your bro but I'm not surprised. State laws must differ a lot on how to stop contact and what is allowed to proceed with a RO so I'm glad you got advice from a policeman first. Here, I cannot stop any mail flow without a RO, which can only be issued by a judge after determining that a person's life or serious well-being is in jeopardy. I hope this works for you but be prepared just in case it spurs on more koi. My bro still sends cards to difficult child 3-4 times a year and they all say the exact same thing- he can't stand not having contact, please call, here's the phone number. Since difficult child hasn't called in over 3 years, says he wants nothing to do with my bro (unless he's in trouble with me and PO and facing incarceration and "planning" to run away to a place where he can hide out- and then difficult child only says that to me), and never asks about my bro or contacting him, I toss them now. I think people have to have enough sense to realize that when things like this- both my and your case- the bros have figured out that we mean it and only continue this stuff to be passive aggressive or to instigate more. Unfortunately, your bro lives too close to you to just be able to toss correspondence and otherwise ignore it. I hope for everyone's sake that your bro will back off and you can get to a point where there are only minimal, distant "efforts" that you can easily overlook and shrug off.

 

[DammitJanet]

Yeah it must be different in different places though in both your cases my states definition might fit...not sure.

Here, to get an OP, you must file in court and it must be somewhat of a domestic issue. A wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend, parent/child. I couldnt get a OP against a neighbor who broke into my home and assaulted Cory when he was 13, even though the neighbor was in his late 20s. I have no idea if you can get an OP against a relative who doesnt live with you. I was told it was for people who lived in your home and you want them out.

 

[susiestar]

I have been told that here it is for anyone who continues to contact you in a way that inflicts harm, physical or emotional or other, onto you or your children. The fact that he has been told several times not to contact us, that he came over after we refused to celebrate jessie's birthday with him and used a ruse to get thank you and Jess to open the door (in late July), and then this time came over and came inside when we did not respond to his ringing the bell was enough to prove to a judge that he does not respect us regarding contact with our children, that he will walk in even when he knows he is unwelcome AND that he does not hesitate to use his own child to scheme his way into whatever he wants so the judges here would grant a RO. If children were not involved it would be different, but still if someone persistently trespasses on your property there is a no trespass order that says that if they come onto your property for any reason, including invitation by the person who filed for the order, they get much much heavier penalties. If you are the homeowner and want to have them legally on your property before the order expires then you have to go before a judge or the person can still be charged.

The kids and I wrote up a safety plan this summer after bro attacked again and we tweaked it after he came by with J's unwelcome birthday gifts. I had them rehearse it a few days before my birthday, just in case. We will rehearse again around Halloween because I think my letter will be taken as a challenge.

 

[Marguerite]

If he violates it even to sending mail, then I can get a RO against him. I want to not have to do that because it will greatly upset my father, moreso than my mother.

Hang on - does your father come before the safety of your kids? And of your safety?

This is between you and bro. It has nothing to do with your parents, if you and bro are having problems. You have tried to tell them of the problems, if they don't want to hear it or if they will only hear bro's side of things - well, then, now we know who has been enabling bro all this time!

The no contact letter will be enough to upset your parents, if they refuse to accept that bro is causing distress to you and your children. Any parents who would want you to not complain, to just put up with it, to not make waves - they do not have your best welfare at heart. They have his desires at heart primarily.

If they give you grief, tell them it is between you and bro, and he should not be running to them to complain. Instead, he should man up and change his behaviour. If your parents had done their job (or accepted that despite doing their job, he still is not perfect) then you wouldn't be in this mess.

This is not their concern. Bro has to back off and obey the law. They should not take sides. You're not asking them to cut off contact with bro; you're only asking them to arrange matters so you and he don't have to meet.

Bro uses his daughter to try to manipulate you. But if your actions in getting the police involved is going to have your parents upset and trying to work on you, then they are doing the same thing as bro - using affection and being pleased with you as currency. Manipulation.

Gee, where did bro learn this?

Don't allow it. Stand firm. It's about time someone did.

Marg

 

[hearts and roses]

Susie, I am so proud and happy that you're standing firm on this. Your Bro is dangerous and using his daughter is evil. It's a shame about his daughter (and your dad) but as you know, you must consider the safety and peace of mind of your family first.

I hope your birthday was joyful despite Bros activity. Big Hugs, you're a strong person, I give you a lot of credit!

 

[susiestar]

Marg, I did NOT say that I would not do it, just that if it can be avoided (by bro leaving us alone) I would prefer that. Sending the letter is NOT an optional step. Last time gfgbro came over I was NOT told that I have to send a letter. It was only when I called yesterday that I was told about that step. I was calling yesterday to get an officer to do a phone report which would put us on the judge's docket.

That is ALL.

 

[TerryJ2]

Susie, I am so sorry for what you are going through but so happy that you are able to be firm and ride this out, especially for your kids. How heartbreaking that your brother has put his daughter in the middle of it. My stomach did a flip when I read that part. But again, I am happy for your kids and it's great that they know you are there for them.

I have a friend who had cancer many yrs ago. Her sister banged on the door to tell her that by eating healthy foods, taking vitamin supplements, and staying away from toxic family members, she was all f**ked up. She kept repeating it. Friend kicked her out.
"Which one of us is f**cked up?" she asked (rhetorically). How does it help someone to go over to their house and home and invade their privacy and shove unwanted and unecessary "advice" and foul language at them?
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Many hugs.

 

[Star*]

WELL..........isn't he special. He gets a police escort AND a letter. lah te dah. Oh and your niece? I'm really sorry she's stuck in the middle too, but at this point? She's got to know that Daddy is a first class control freak, and make plans for her own life. As far as your Father? (exhale hard) There again - this is the SAME thing you have worried about over and over again in dealing with GFGBRO all your life. So finally you take a big step for your sanity and triangulate Dad. Don't. This is NOT between you and your Father. He didn't knock on your Father's door, he did not show up at your Father's birthday un wanted. He didn't not leave your Father's house when politely asked. So no - This isn't Dad's deal. This is you and difficult child brother. Nuf sed.

PROUD OF YOU Susie. I am sure this was not easy and took a lot out of you. I can't imagine how difficult it was. I only have sending that letter to my x mother in law to compare - but still...not the same.

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!! STEPPING UP FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!!

 

[susiestar]

Sending the letter was really tough. I am spending a good chunk of tomorrow with Mom and Aunt, so things may be interesting. So far my parents are working strenuously to not hear either side. Mom DID give into temptation when gfgbro pulled his **** over Jessie's birthday, but she limited herself to one half comment about how it was a shame. Didn't say what was a shame, so I am assuming she meant it is a shame he is such a meanie bohunkus.

As for my father, if he doesn't understand then he doesn't understand. If he is mad I am sure it will upset me and hurt me, but when I got married I started my own family and my top priority can not be my parents. It must be my marriage and my kids. My "family loyalty" must be to them first. husband has been so patient all these years with all the ****. husband has held me while I cried, worked with me to try to avoid the conflama, and stood up for me when gfgbro was way out of line. He also refused to go pick up women in bars or hire "pro's" to entertain himself with gfgbro - early in our marriage gfgbro could NOT accept that husband did NOT want to sleep with anyone else. husband was willing to try to be friends with gfgbro until that came up, after that he refused to go do anything with gfgbro that would constitute male bonding. (I just learned of this last week. I was looking for a notebook that wasn't used up and found one husband had been journaling in. husband said it was okay to read it, and that I probably should.) It explains a whole lot about how husband treated gfgbro the first years of our marriage. I am quite positive that gfgbro would spin it to make it look like he was trying to test husband's love for me, but that is hogwash. husband didn't tell me when it happened because he knew it would ignite a firestorm of conflama that was not needed. He just said no. Learning about this didn't shock me, it was very much in character for gfgbro - esp back when he was actively drinking. If I were to bring it up, gfgbro would deny it or say it was during an alcoholic blackout so it doesn't mean anything. As it is, now that I have spoken about it I can let it go, forgiving gfgbro for trying this and understanding that it was a manifestation of whatever mental illness/personality disorder that he has.

In addition to giving me emotional support and real world support all these years during all the conflama, he still went out of his way to help plan and throw the wedding/reception for gfgbro and exsil -though neither he nor I had ANY confidence that the union would last. He gave no hint of this to anyone but me. At the time he was teaching two classes and taking a full load of graduate classes - and still recovering from a bad bout of pneumonia! --right down to spending every evening for almost a week tying those candy conversation hearts into circles of tulle for the wedding guests.

husband drives me up the wall sometimes, but when I look at all he has done to endure and to cope with this entire conflamadrama, well, he is a really AMAZING, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL husband. I picked GOOD when I picked him.

Y'all have also supported me and encouraged me to see the situation as it is, instead of as I have been told that it is. I picked GOOD when I picked y'all too! Thank you. It doesn't seem like enough to show how much you have helped me and are still helping me. A million thank yous would not be enough to show it, and "I love you" doesn't seem like enough to convey my feelings for you, my true family. I Love You.

Hugs to all of you.

 

[totoro]

I am so proud of you!!! Just knowing where he has lived- a place I had lived and what he did our there... a bit like my Bro- who still lives there. You have so much strength.
Take care of yourself and do not waver in your goals and plan.
Sorry he is who he is.

 

[Marguerite]

Marg, I did NOT say that I would not do it, just that if it can be avoided (by bro leaving us alone) I would prefer that. Sending the letter is NOT an optional step. Last time gfgbro came over I was NOT told that I have to send a letter. It was only when I called yesterday that I was told about that step. I was calling yesterday to get an officer to do a phone report which would put us on the judge's docket.

That is ALL.

Good for you, Susie. It can't be easy.

I knew you had already sent the letter and were planning on following through. What I was responding to, was how much it seemed to be upsetting you, that your father would be upset about this. And I was also upset that your father WOULD be more upset by yo taking action, than by what your bro has been doing. For you to be so concerned about your father's opinion was telling me that you have been downtrodden and put-upon for far too long.

I hope there are no nasty repercussions. But if there are, do NOT blame yourself of let anyone else blame you. If bro had behaved himself, you would not have been forced to this extreme. And if your father had stepped in and told bro to back off and leave you alone, you would not have felt so unsupported, you would not be concerned now about what your father will say, and maybe it needn't have come to this.

Your kids are now getting a very strong message, that their mother will keep them safe even if it means making very difficult and potentially painful decisions.

Susie, good for you. I know I said it already, but I can't say it enough.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

but when I got married I started my own family and my top priority can not be my parents.

Absolutely.

by the way, can I borrow your husband? He's fab.