No contact

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Oct 10, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child was released from the psychiatric hospital yesterday after three weeks there. I was really hoping while he was there he would be able to find some help with shelter placement/housing. But nope - he's back on the streets. I had gotten him phone numbers for a local program that helps homeless youth up to age 21. I even spoke to the very nice, very kind social worker there who runs the program. She said difficult child has to do the work because he's 20 but if he does want help they absolutely will help him. The only issue was that he needed to contact them as soon as he was released from the hospital and that the shelter he would be going to is about 2 hours south of here. Well he doesn't want that. He wants to stay in this area. He doesn't want to go that far south. He'd rather live in his tent in the woods.

    So there it is. At that point I told him I'm done. I was very calm yet defeated. I wasn't angry. I said I love you but I can't do this anymore. You can't contact me again until you make arrangements to get yourself off of the streets. And then I hung up. Yes, I felt utter defeat yet at the same time a bit of freedom because this is HIS CHOICE! There are options for him to get off of the streets and HE doesn't want to take them. This was last week. I haven't talked to him since. The only reason I know he's out of the hospital is because my easy child saw him posting on Facebook. And of course he's posting things like he's homeless, can't survive winter, and wants to die. Yet he doesn't want to take any actions to help himself.

    It hurts my heart to have no contact with my son but I self destruct every single time I try to help him and he throws it all away. I self destruct every time I hear his voice. I self destruct at the very thought of him. And at this point, I can't keep self destructing because eventually there will be nothing left of me.

    I'm sad. I'm panicking a bit. I'm angry. But also, I'm able to accept that fact that this is his life and his choice. I have to let go. Maybe someday he'll find his way and we can have a relationship. Maybe not.

    And so I repeat:

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.
  2. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Been there/done that - and my advice is - hang in there and do NO CONTACT day by day - you will be amazed how much your life changes for the better the longer you can maintain NC. I highly recommend, if you do not want to change numbers - at least see if you can block his numbers from calling you and stop answering calls from numbers you do not recognize. I took the step of changing my numbers. What you know (or find out) hurts you deeply, what you don't know can't hurt you! Tell easy child not to share his FB info with you either, or you will un-friend him for them.
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    JKF, I am sorry. Let your anxiety and your fear and your grief flow through you for a few days. Don't fight it. Make time for it, and let it flow.

    Fighting our emotions is not good for us, and we do it because they don't feel good at all and they scare us to death.

    But our emotions will not kill us, and it's healing to feel them.

    But don't take action based on your feelings right now or for the next few days. These feelings will pass. You know they have before and they will again.

    Let them pass.

    Then look up, look around, see what the lay of the land is then, and go from there.

    Who knows what will happen? You have taken an important step here, and you have done it with the sure knowledge that he does have choices. That is very comforting to us when we need to make a big step like this.

    He has choices. He can do something different, if he chooses to.

    And you have choices. Choose yourself for a while. You deserve all good things. We are here with you and for you. Warm hugs.
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking about changing my number. I've had this number for 15 years so that's a big step for me but it might be nice to have a fresh start. And I am taking it day by day. Sometimes even minute by minute. I've learned to do that the hard way.

    So true! I need to remember this more often!

    As for easy child, he's just as upset about difficult child as I am. He loves his brother but he finally realizes how deeply disturbed he is. He knows I don't want any more updates. And he knows I don't even want him to read difficult child's updates. Given the fact that easy child rarely uses FB, I'm thinking of going in and blocking difficult child's account from his page. I mean difficult child is constantly posting about wanting to kill himself, how his family doesn't love him, his mother is a b**ch, etc. easy child doesn't need to be exposed to that kind of stuff. He's only 13.
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I have to say COM, that you're the one who has taught me to allow myself to actually FEEL the emotions. That it's OK to feel! When you first joined you had posted something to me along the lines of that and it's something I've practiced ever since. And it's one of the things that has helped me move so far along in this journey. For years I kept everything bottled up inside. I wanted to be strong and I thought the way to do that was to deny my emotions. By doing that I was slowly killing myself. Now I let them wash over me as they come - no matter how horrible they are at times - but I always feel so much better in the long run! Thank you for this tool because it has helped me more than you'll ever know.
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  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    When I changed my number I gave the new one to only those I wanted to have it so it is definitely a fresh start. I am no way affiliated but I use Net Talk. $30 a year for internet phone - you can get a new number -they allow blocking of numbers and then I use my old number as a contact number for filling in forms and such on the internet. Keeps my home phone number from being "out there". Also once you go through all the trouble, say in a weak moment you contact difficult child, you can always go to nettalk and block any number he calls you from.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    JFK, I am going through something having to do with the way I have learned to hide the truths I don't want to know from myself.

    It takes courage to name a thing and fully accept that It Is what it is.

    It takes a different kind of strength altogether to do what we know is the right thing, and to stick with it.

    Nothing about parenting a difficult child, child or adult, is easy or even pleasant.

    But you have been honest with your child and with yourself, and that's golden.

  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're doing a good job JKF. AND, it is hard. Time will be your friend and it will get easier. I'm glad you are allowing yourself your feelings, I agree that that is the way to free yourself and allow yourself to have your own life of peace and joy. Whatever we don't allow ourselves to feel is what we have to live with and endure, over and over. Remember to be kind to yourself as you make these tough choices. Very, very kind.