No contact

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TearyEyed, Dec 15, 2014.

  1. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Hi all,

    I havent posted in quite a while but read all of your posts daily. Thank you for all the strength and guidance you provide. My son has been homeless for nearly two years now off and on. He has not lived at home during that time. I would usually see him on occasion and at least hear from him every 2-3 weeks. I havent heard from him since Nov 4 and his phone is off. I have absolutely no idea where he is or if he's ok. This is the first time he has gone no contact for this long. I am trying to remain calm and detach as much as possible. But as each day passes I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to falling apart. I was wondering if you had any thoughts about what I should do. Look for him? ile a missing person report with the police? Check hospitals? Do nothing and hand it over to my higher power?

    I am lost right now.

    Thank you all. I dont know where I would be without all of you.

    TE
     
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Tearyeyed.

    I hate that feeling, when they don't contact you and you can't contact them.
    I know there's no point in saying "don't worry", because worrying is what we do and it's not possible to stop.

    I would just say that I have been in that position on many occasions and my son is always fine. He just doesn't think to let me know that he's fine. He seems to have a very fluid notion of time and the weeks flow by. I had a text from my son 3 weeks after my birthday wishing me a 'happy birthday' and 'sorry, just realised it's December' (my birthday's halfway through November).

    Do you know any of his friends, or anywhere such as a regular shelter that he uses that might be able to let you know that he's been seen recently?

    I'm glad you have a supportive husband. I hope you are finding good ways to ease your anxiety. I hope you hear from your son soon. In my experience they are always 'fine'. It's mostly us that are in a far worse state than them.
     
  3. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Thanks Lucy,

    I have texted the last few numbers that he was contacting before his phone went off in early November. No response as of yet. I dont know any of his "friends". I appreciate your response. This is tough but its so helpful that you and others here understand.
     
  4. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    PS When is your birthday? Mine is November 14.
     
  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    November 19th.

    Scorpios!
    Anxious, dramatic and passionate apparently.

    It would be easier to be more laid back and carefree though wouldn't it? :)
     
  6. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    For sure! Sounds like we are very similar.
     
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi TearyEyed, gee, I'm sorry you're going through this with your son. I so know how you feel right now. And, as Lucy so wisely said, it is no use to say "don't worry," since of course we are going to worry.

    I have to agree with Lucy too that they usually have no idea about time and we are the ones obsessing while they are just in their lives. I can't tell you how many times my daughter was lost in space for weeks and I couldn't reach her, imagining all the worst case scenarios, planning her funeral, imagining the cops showing up at my door...........sheesh..........a nightmare of incessant worry. And then she would surface and say she was here and there, all the time she was fine, she in fact was thriving, while I was a mess. Over time I got better at the uncertainty of it all. In fact, I made it a goal to learn how to live in that kind of uncertainty and be okay. I still have moments of that stuff, but for the most part I'm a lot better.

    I started to think that she may do this forever, go no contact for weeks or months.........I realized I just couldn't have my life be ripped around like that. I read a lot of books by Pema Chodron who is a Buddhist nun who has written a lot of books about uncertainty and how to live well in the midst of it. I started putting a lot of time in to ME and how I could maneuver through this crazy landscape and not go crazy and learn how to live in the chaos that our difficult child's create for us.

    It's tough TE, it really is. It hurts our hearts. And generally they really don't have any kind of clue as to how much we are impacted. I'm reading and watching Eckhart Tolle videos and I find his philosophy to be really helpful for the kind of worry we all go through here. It's helped me to realize that since I hadn't heard anything monstrous, I was scaring myself with my own thoughts......so I've been focusing on not allowing my thoughts to run rampant like that.

    It's a practice TE, I've been practicing how to live like this because my difficult child is so unpredictable and isn't always making good choices keeping her safe...........since I have no control over her actions, all I could do was change how I respond to her. Man, it ain't easy either. BUT, it is doable.

    Meditation helps too. All the tools we learn on this adventure we're on.........yoga, exercise, whatever it takes for your thoughts to stop the grip they have on your mind.

    Take a hot bath and allow all the concern and worry to go down the drain. Try to let it go for tonight and tomorrow when your mind is clear, you may come up with the right way to go.............that works well for me, let it go and then often when my mind is emptied, an idea comes forth.........which doesn't happen when I am in fear.........

    I hope you can relax a bit........sending a big hug..............
     
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  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Teary Eyed,

    No advice, but I am here with you. Another Scorpio, to boot. Although I am not there now (no communication with difficult child, but assume he is safe and sound with his girlfriend about 200 miles away), I HAVE been where you are. One time, for about a year and another time difficult child was hiding in the woods from federal marshals - in freezing cold weather. That was a very bad. My biggest fear is that he would be shot, while running away from the law.

    And, you know what, things got better even from that very dark, scary place. No, difficult child and I (and his dad) are not in a good place, but he did come out alive and safe. Please try to keep good thoughts. Our worst fears are imagined.

    Please stay close to the board and keep us posted.

    SS
     
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  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    TE, warm hugs.

    As you live in the not-knowing, instead of being paralyzed by it, try to start a daily practice. Start reading for a few minutes some of the authors RE mentions in her post above.

    Write down your thoughts for a few more minutes. Expand it into a daily practice.

    This will start to take root in your mind and heart. Even if you hear from him, keep on doing it.

    Recovery from enabling takes time and work and daily practices. When we are feeling better, often we stop. When we are feeling paralyzed, we stop.

    I don't really understand it, but I do know that implementing daily practices, like a gratitude list, taking naps, buying flowers for the table, reading and writing...will change you. It has changed me.

    Even in the midst of awfulness and terrible uncertainty, we can be okay, if we learn how to be okay. It is very freeing and will spill over into all areas of your life. You will be a happier person all the way around.

    It is a true mystery, but it is true.

    Having said all of that, I hope you hear from him soon.
     
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