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Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by missdot, Jul 20, 2007.

  1. missdot

    missdot New Member

    My difficult child has had nothing but problems since he has gone to this school district. Now that school is over I have had a break regarding school issues, but know that when school starts back up problems will start again. I have lived with-my brother for the last 4 years due to financial reasons. My whole world has been ripped & shredded in the past 36 hrs. My brother was accused of things I am to sick to mention. My difficult child was also. After my children were interviewed by State police and Cys they don't believe that anything said regarding either was true. They have closed these cases. (or will today when a supervisor can sign off on it) You would think that would be the end of it, but without getting into more detail I have to believe that moving would be the best option for everyone. My difficult child needs a fresh start away from this town. My brother bless his heart has gone through hell for just trying to help me & my kids out giving us a free place to stay. Its just going to be hard making a change knowing I can't afford to really do this and to try and figure out how I can do this. Has anyone else just done a fresh start and has it worked out? I pray that no person has to go through what my family has gone through in the past 36 hours. It was just a blessing difficult child therapist was there through every step. They were there for me and my family through it all and I can't even tell you what that meant to me.
     
  2. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, if true your difficult child has Bipolar, you cannot move to get away from that. If your difficult child has mood issues and emotional instabilities, moving from one school to another is not going to be the cure. Nor is that a guarantee things will be easier.

    We moved in November of 2005 for a "fresh start" and things with Dylan were no better at all. He honeymooned, of course, like he always does when things are new, and then life got comfortable. Then he went manic. Then all heck broke loose.

    I think there's nothing wrong with you moving, but at the same time I wouldn't expect your move to be perfect and issue free.

    I wish you alot of luck.
     
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If the problems you have been having are due to any component of "difficult child-ness" then you can never move to get away from it. It comes along for the ride.

    You don't seem to have had a lot of time to come to this decision. It may need more thought. I suggest you sit down after everyone else is in bed, and think things through. Have paper and pencil with you and draw columns on the paper. You need six columns (or three columns, on two sheets of paper).

    Let's assume you have two pages. On the top of the first page, you write "STAY" and on the second "GO".
    Underneath that, at the top of each column, you write "plus", "minus", "interesting". (basically, this is doing a PMI on the issue).

    You then list all the things that you need to think about, for each option. What are the advantages of staying? What are the disadvantages? What are the other aspects, neither good nor bad, but still needing to be acknowledged?
    Then do the same for leaving.
    Look at your lists. Add to them as you think of other things. Think about the things you have mentioned. Are any of them avoidable in some other way? Available in some other way?
    Also to consider - what is the best possible outcome from leaving? From staying? What is the worst?

    Writing it down makes it easier to analyse a decision like this, impartially. No matter how carefully you think about it, you can't work it out properly in your head.

    If your decision to leave is in any way connected to concerns about what other people will think, also be aware that leaving can make them think far worse, because you have apparently run away. This is a small world, you can never be sure that some of whatever you're trying to get away from, won't follow you.
    If you stay, you would have to deal with people's responses to you (if it's gossip that concerns you) and sometimes, standing your ground can be very empowering. If you feel you're on the run, you feel weak and afraid. If you feel your feet firm on the ground, it gives you confidence. It can also give the lie to most gossip.

    Good luck with your decision and the direction you will be taking, whichever you choose.

    Marg
     
  4. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I would sit down and discuss what happened with your brother. He wants to help you and it may make him feel worse if you move away and struggle. If he is safe and good for your kids and you, you should never feel ashamed of him and the accusations made. I agree with Marg that leaving will make those people see guilt. If he didn't do anything wrong, stand by him and show others that he's not what they thought.

    I can only imagine what the accusations are, but I'm sure they were extremely hurtful to both you and him. Sit down with him and let him know you don't believe them. He needs to hear that from you. Talk with him about what he wants to do and what he thinks.

    Then I would do as Marg suggested and make lists. Moving isn't going to solve any problems with your difficult children. If they are the ones who made the false accusations, moving is just going to show them that by doing it, they got you to react.

    I hope things calm down and I hope you can get past others thinking this of your family. I think standing by your family speaks more than moving away. Good luck!
     
  5. Kathrine

    Kathrine New Member

    On the other hand, it might help if you could find a school district with teachers who have an expertise in special education and can help you out a little more. My adopted brother was bipolar, obsessive compulsive, and was a slow learner. But they mainstreamed him and he did terrible in school. Teachers who have a regular teaching degree do not know how to handle special children. It's especially hard if they have special children mixed in with "normal" children. They don't get the attention they deserve. My brother was set up for failure from the beginning. He knew he couldn't compete academically with kids who had no mental illnesses, so he gave up. He was made fun of by the "smart" kids, and so he sought acceptance elsewhere; amongst the druggies and criminals. I firmly believe that special kids deserve special teachers and special schools where they can achieve their best. After all, we put gifted children in their own special schools, why can't the kids on the other end have the same consideration? I would check out different school districts and find the one with the best teachers who have specific training in handling special cases.
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Are you trying to get away from the accusations? Do you think difficult child will feel an effect by peers from the situation?

    It seems you should take a bit of time to get through the current situation and then decide what is best for you and the kids.

    You never know if changes will be good or bad with a difficult child until you try it. I moved spur of the moment and it was the best thing for difficult child - though she would disagree.
     
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Although I don't know you or your family or the crisis, I would
    suggest that you stay in the environment that your son knows and
    feels comfortable with at this age. Being a single parent, in a
    new community, with a difficult child "could" work out well but chances are
    it "would" put more stress on you and leave your son feeling
    the loss of an inhouse male. I am assuming that you feel very
    confident that the allegations were completely false and that your child is safe.

    You can always relocate in six or nine months if it seems like a
    wise choice. Making choices and decisions when a "crisis" is fresh, usually is not the best choice. Hugs. DDD
     
  8. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Everyone here has given great advice. Things to think about. Moving in Crisis is not a good idea. It rarely ever works. Unless you aren't feeling safe at your home environment right now, just hang in there, give it a few weeks to clear out. Your mind will be clearer and you will make a decision based on whats best then. Hugs from me to you....
     
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