No Funny Valentine Here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    husband and I planned to go out of town for one night, and lined up a friend to watch difficult child. The day b4 we left, friend called with-the stomach flu. I called a few other friends but everyone was busy--of course--for Valentine's weekend.
    So we changed the hotel reservation to 2 dbl beds and dragged difficult child along with-us.
    He was a jerk. Blamed me for not calling one of his friends to see if he could stay there. (This friend is a troublemaker. But I can tell you, they would have been busy, so there was no point in calling.)
    We bought difficult child a game for his PSP (a small Playstation) even though we hate it when he plays video games, because he doesn't transition well, he didn't want to go, it was a last minute plan, and we wanted him occupied.

    Last Thur., we made a medication change with-difficult child, to up his Adderall to 40 mg, time release. He'd been on 30 mg, but it was wearing off around 3 pm. We switched to Vyanase, but he got heart palpitations and headaches. So we went for the 40 mg.

    He actually liked the hotel (it was very nice; a DoubleTree) and was excited that there was a TV. He had no interest in the pool.

    So husband and I went to dinner (very nice ). Decided to check the front desk to make sure difficult child couldn't access any movies with-o our credit card, as had happened 2 yrs ago at the Wolf Lodge. (For those who don't remember, we had a 6-boy sleepover and it cost us an extra $100.)

    Too late.
    difficult child had already gone overboard.
    Manager printed out the expenses ... $89 in movies, video games, and porn films.
    Yup. :anxious::surprise:

    He very kindly removed the video games and knocked down the price to about $65, but said that some of the shows are pre-paid and the hotel can't get their $ back from the supplier.

    husband went upstairs and read difficult child the riot act. difficult child of course said he couldn't figure out how to operate the remote :laugh: and couldn't figure out how to get rid of the porn show. The printout clearly showed he had watched one for 20 min, and the others for 5-10 min. apiece. husband shouted, "THEN TURN IT OFF!!!!"

    He marched difficult child down to the front desk, and in the elevator, told him that porn is illegal, putting the fear of d*G in difficult child (he hoped). As the door opened, a security guard was sitting between the elevator and the front desk and difficult child nearly died.
    husband considered getting the security guard in on it, but decided he looked like a doofus, so just sat next to him, which was enough to keep difficult child good and nervous.

    They went to the front desk to apologize, and husband said the mgr was shocked. He'd never had any one apologize b4.
    He knocked off another $40. The total bill was about $29, just the right amt for difficult child to pay us back.


    I was so disgusted with-difficult child, I didn't talk to him all night. (Not easy when you're in the same room.)
    The next day, he was just as obnoxious, and since we had to check out by 11, we decided to pack up do some sightseeing with-difficult child. We figured he'd stay in the car and play his PSP.
    He fell sound asleep. husband checked on him twice.

    When he woke up, he demanded that we eat at Taco Bell because he was starving. husband and I decided to go to a "real" Mexican restaurant, and difficult child had a fit and refused to get out of the car.
    We went in with-o him. 10 min later, he showed up at the table. (I knew that would happen. If you're hungry, you're hungry. :whiteflag::tongue:)

    We drove home and difficult child slept the entire way home. Sleep, sleep, sleep.
    Mean, mean, mean.
    I'm thinking it was the medications.
    Or not.

    husband told me, "Now that we're home, I thought I'd tell you what difficult child told me at the beginning of the trip. 'I'm going to do everything possible to annoy Mom and make sure that she has a rotten time."

    Mission accomplished. :whiteflag::faint:

    Still, husband did his best to keep things on an even keel, and take things into his own hands with-difficult child. He gets points for that!
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry difficult child was such a pita! Good for husband for having him apologize and for trying to keep things on an even keel! Makes you want to tell difficult child the next time he has a friend over you plan to do everything possible to make sure he has a rotten time:devil:
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Ohhhhh, I love Sharon's suggestion. ;)

    I'm sorry difficult child was such a difficult child. Honestly, to this day I simply cannot wrap my head around some of their thinking. What purpose does it serve to annoy Mom? I know there must be one, because so many of our kids are so doggone good at it, but... blech. Who knows...

    It was most certainly a brave effort at having a sweet Valentine's Day. I'm so glad you and husband gave it a shot.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sigh. I'm sorry he was such a pill Terry.

    The one silver lining I can see is that he got a taste of natural consequences by having to confess and recant to the desk manager. It may not have an immediate impact, but I bet he remembers the incident.

    We've had some trips like that thanks to easy child and difficult child 1 on several occasions. And we did exactly as you did... continued on with our plans and let them sit in the car. difficult child 1 usually comes in to eat, but easy child will starve to death before she caves when she's in that mood/mode.

    And what's probably equally amazing is that if they have the power to CHOOSE to make things miserable, they probably have the power to CHOOSE to make things go right. Or as right as they're able to. That's something he probably needs to consider. He really missed out on an opportunity to have fun.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry difficult child was being a poop. Miss KT has done similar things...several years ago, at Son #2's college graduation. We were in Florida, and she decided not to go in and eat, so she sat out in the car, ate granola bars, and whined to my mom on her cell phone. Then she was such a jerk in the airport I was ready to kill her right there.

    Wish I knew why they chose those behaviors. I'd make a million dollars writing a book with all the answers.
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I wonder if they get a charge out of the negative reactions. And, I wonder if they don't use the negative reactions as a way to justify further negative choices. "Well, YOU did this to ME, so I'm going to do this to YOU!" sort of thinking.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I probably would go ahead and plan a sleepover and make him miserable. To show him that MOM can make those choices too. problem not the whole sleepover, but enough to make a point. That not only can mom make him miserable - she can embarrass the living daylights out of him too.

    That was one thing Wiz learned early. I could and would embarrass him in public (public that included his friends) if he embarrassed me in public (including if we had people over to the house). All 3 of my kids are very aware of this and are fairly well behaved in public. At one time difficult child thought he would "top" my embarrassing him by returning the favor bigger each time.

    Took 3 rounds. He caved because he realized I was NOT going to give up. Ever. Not to a kid with NO life experience. Maybe it is because I was a bit of a difficult child as a kid, but I did not see any benefit in letting him think he had the upper hand.

    I wish I knew why they would decide to make us miserable. It is so silly. We would make them so much happier if they decided to behave. What do you do when he does this? How could you behave differently? What is he trying to get when he makes you miserable?

    What does he say when asked why he wants to make Mom miserable? Terry, your difficult child seems really invested in making you as miserable as is humanly possible. This seems to come up frequently as the theme behind many of his actions. Is he mad at his birth mom or at you for taking him away from his birth mom? Or is it some other type of problem? I have no experience with adoption issues, but it seems this might be one. Whatever it is, maybe a therapist could help you at least learn why.

    Maybe it is a sign of some attachment disorder, pushing you away so you cannot reject him? I am just throwing out ideas because it seems to me this could get really scary as he gets older, esp when combined with his other behaviors.

    I am so sorry.

    Kudos to husband though! He really followed through with difficult child! It was hard for him, I am sure, but he did it anyway! THAT alone was a nice Vday gift, in my opinion.
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!


    I'm really glad that husband handled it the way he did. He definitely earns points for that.

    But if my kid had said that? I'd have a hard time being around them for a while. There's only so much one can take. And it was an obvious decision he made before all this happened.

    I would be thinking no sleepovers or pretty much anything fun for a while. I at least wouldn't be going out of my way for anything.

    Linda wants to come here and wring my son's neck. I want to do the same to yours. ARGHHH!!!!!

    But, husband? :bravo:
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. I can see that I'm in good company. Sigh.

    I know. WHY do they CHOOSE to do that?

    I don't know that this is an attachment issue, or if it is, it is overlaid by the "in the moment anger," in this case, the fact that I did not call Friend H, along with-all the other people I called. Never mind that they wouldn't have been available. It was MY FAULT that difficult child had to go with-us and therefore, I would be punished.

    It's simple cause and effect to him.

    What I don't get is that if it's simple cause and effect for the blame on mom, why can't it be simple cause and effect for his being restricted when he does something wrong? It's like he can dish it out but he can't take it.
    I guess that's part of being an Aspie. He can only see the world from his perspective. Why bother seeing it from another perspective when it doesn't exist?

    I want to know what Temple Grandin's mother did to teach her consequences. Or maybe Temple was just somehow able to observe more objectively.

    Arrrggghhh! I'm sick of analyzing. I need a strategy!
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Another thought I had for "next time" (ha-ha) Terry... let difficult child make the phone calls to line up a place to stay. Once he's found a taker, then you can get on the phone with the parent to confirm the details (and make sure he's not snowing you). It puts the responsiblity back on him if he wants to do something different than what you are proposing he does with you.
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, good idea, G-mom. I like it.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I like the idea of letting him take care of his own arrangements, then confirming with an adult... However. I've run into some doozies with Onyxx. Friends pretending to be parents (does she think I can't tell the difference? HA)... And one parent who was worse than her kid, was DRUNK when Onyxx put her on the phone.

    ...And then another one... A grandma who called and said Onyxx was at her house and if someone didn't come get her she was calling the cops. I said I'd be there (knew where the friend lived). Grandma got evasive and said she would bring Onyxx home. I asked to speak to Onyxx... But they could not wake her... So the friend came to the phone. Informed me that grandma was intoxicated and full of koi. I woke husband and asked him the name of the friend Onyxx had stayed with...

    It was us. She was asleep in her room the whole time. She won't be staying with that friend again.
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am another that vote for ruining his fun next time and give him advance warning that you plan on doing it just as he did!

    Sorry the weekend was so stressfull.

    Now that my difficult child is 14, if I'm going on a quick day trip to visit my mom or such, I leave him home! Much more pleasant for me...