No more after school anything........

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Andy, Jan 22, 2010.

  1. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    difficult child missed his Tuesday night bowl and with the storm coming in, I figured he better make it up after school today instead of relying on this weekend. STUPID IDEA to say the least. Next time best to just let him score a 0 for the three games.

    "difficult child, do you want to make up bowling?" I asked as he came in the door.

    "Sure, whatever!" so we go.

    First game, bowled crappy but still a 117 (no idea how that happened, must have gotten some good rolls on the last few lanes).

    Every single frame, he would turn to me, make a face, and say, "What the???? I threw that perfectly." "The ball won't go the way I throw it." He was making up a game so HAD to bowl three games.

    Second game, bowled even worse and scored 75. You can imagine the stress/frustration he was building and every second blaming ME for bringing him. "Mom, you know better than bringing me bowling after school. blah, blah, blah, blah." My reply is that when you have a crappy attitude, you will bowl crappy so he better straighten up his attitude.

    Third game just as bad but ended with a few strikes scoring 112.

    He then wanted ME to ask that they turn a lane back on for him to bowl longer. I said no - it is his responsibility to take his score up and ask for a new lane. A stand down! Ugh. O.k., to compromise, I told him I would go WITH him. No, not good enough so I took a container up to the kitchen and he followed with his sheet.

    He asked for a lane to open for open bowling. I wanted to go to Walmart but told him I would wait for him to bowl one or two games and then we would go since he was not bowling well. Then as he entered his name and info, he somehow figured out it was not working. He demanded that I go tell the staff the score wasn't working. I again said "No, that is your responsibility." What does he do, bowls anyway. I tell him to stop and go tell the staff that the scoring was not working. He refused and turned around to continue bowling. (He didn't want the staff to see is ugly attitude - normally he would have no trouble doing this on his own)

    That is when I blew it. "O.K., THAT IS IT! PUT THE BALL AWAY! WE ARE GOING HOME NOW!!!!!!" I went to the counter and told staff to turn off his lane that he could not stay with that attitude.

    And he can't understand why I am angry. "I didn't do anything wrong!" "I asked politely." "No one knew we were fighting until you yelled!" UGH UGH UGH! "Let me call Dad - you are scaring me!" "You need to be hospitalized"(he said about me), blah blah blah blah blah! I asked him how he thought I felt to be critized with each throw of the ball. It is sure fun to be griped at for almost 60 times (3 games with 20 throws of the ball but he did have quite a few strikes all followed by gutters). But of course, it is my fault he did terrible.

    Guess we will have plenty to talk about at the next therapist visit and maybe psychiatrist is correct that a different medication than Citralpram is in order?

    And when and how will I get toilet paper supply before the storm hits? Maybe I will go out when husband comes home.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    ((((Andy)))) What a day. I hate when these situations escalate like that. It seems to happen whenever I try to follow through with a consequence. difficult child was probably tired and upset with himself for bowling badly and no matter what you did it would have been wrong.

    PS I've been known to use kleenex or paper towels in a pinch :)
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Ugghhh!! What an ordeal....and over BOWLING. Geeeesh!

    I agree, next time let the zeroes's just not worth it.

  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I have to disagree in that I personally don't see the incident as a major issue. He was doing this after school, his response when you asked him if he wanted to bowl was less than enthusiastic. You don't really know what kind of day he had, he didn't do well and was probably upset with himself. It's hard for our kids to turn themselves around, especially in a noisy and highly stimulating enviornment like the bowling ally.

    I tell you that I don't plan much after school because my difficult child needs the down time. Holding it together for 6.5 hours definately warrants his "gel" time.

    Perhaps the psychiatrist is correct in his medication assesment or this was just a lesson to be learned about when and where!

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Little Dude's Mom, That is why I started with "No more after school anything." It was a lesson of when and where. We haven't been doing hardly any after school anythings this year. His 5:30 bowling league has been a wonderful switch from the last few years of after school bowling and I have seen the benefits of it.

    The bowling alley was very quiet - only two other lanes being used. It was all about him not being able to handle a poor score. I understood once that first game started that it was a poor idea and I knew it would be a struggle to get through the make up games.

    The ONLY reason I asked that he did it then was because we have bad weather coming in making it impossible to do the make up this weekend. Even Monday will be questionable as to if we can get that game in or not. Wednesday and Thursday were not possible this week either.

    The one time incident may not be a major issue in the large picture but it was a major pain in the butt to get through. It is so seldom these days that I reach my anger point. I had been very calm the entire time and that last "I am going to bowl even though I know the lane is not working" pushed my button. That was disrespectful to the bowling alley and he KNOWS better. That was when I had to say, "STOP - this is not going any further - we are out of here NOW!"

    I try my best to look at situations as learning experiences. I look for ways of doing things differently next time.

    I just have to learn how to get him to stop bowling when he starts getting upset. He is so determined to keep bowling until he does well which will not happen when he is frustrated. I can't get him to understand that when he has a bad attitude about bowling, he will bowl badly and there is nothing wrong with walking away and coming back when you are in a more positive place. Last night the only way was to have staff turn off his lane.

    Next time he goes for open bowling, we will have a discussion about what he needs to do when he starts to get frustrated.

    Little Dude's Mom, You are right that this was a reminder to ME of no after school anything. :)
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe something like "I will go ask them to turn it on if you take a few minutes to calm down and think about why you want to continue bowling." Or something to get him to regroup. The only reason you were not willing to go ask them for him is because of his attitude and responses to his poor bowling - I assume. That is how I would get - no way am I doing something nice for you if you can not even be nice to me.

    Compromise goes a long way to avoiding these kinds of scenarios.
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Thank you Busywind! That does sound like a good idea. I was just stuck in a power struggle by that point and just like our kids, when we get in that mind frame it is just as hard for us to stand down. I always feel that I am giving him power to overrule me the next time if I "give in" and when I am at that point, I quickly run out of "compromising" ideas.

    Yes, I am definetly going to use that line if I find us in the same situation again.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This may not be the right question. I do not mean to be critical in any way.

    Is this bowling league worth the problems you have had with it? There seem to be quite a few times you have gone to the bowling alley and he has not handled it well. The score seems to be a big problem whether he is alone or with someone.

    Would it be better to drop out of the league and let him get out from under the pressure of the score and having to bowl so many games? He may just not be ready to handle games that are scored and competitive. Sometimes our kids have so many problems that paring their lives down to school, home and church are the only things they can handle. When they mature more they are more able to handle scored games and competition.

    Just a thought.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Patience of a saint, Andy, patience of a saint. I have a feeling I'd be dragging my ktbug out of that alley kicking & screaming myself.

    You did good,.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Susiestar, You do make a very good point. We have cut way back on the bowling. We use to go almost everyday but now we only go once a week for league and maybe once a week more for fun. difficult child has made a friend or two at the bowling alley and looks forward to going. League time is social time for him and we often take the neighbor girl with the other time so another social time.

    It is no longer the focus of his week. Much of the pressure has been lifted in that regard.

    He has been doing very well for a long time. This time was the bad timing of going after school.

    Timer, I could have been less dramatic about it myself. Unfortunately, it got to the point that he wasn't going anywhere unless someone else besides he and I knew what was going on. "No one would have known we were fighting if you didn't yell!" I asked him why he didn't want others to know what was going on. If he was behaving properly, he wouldn't have worried about what others thought. My "yelling" is not always "yelling". I could not go onto the bowling lanes so my voice was a little louder as it stretched to reach him. He worked very hard to make his frustration my fault. As if he could give it all to me and his worries would be gone. If I could take it away from him as he was trying to convince himself that I was the one to give it to him then life would be good.

    Does anyone else "FEEL" your kids trying to physically GIVE you all of their anger/frustrations in a quest to find themselves peace? Often times I don't feel they are angry with me but in throwing their anger at me they are trying to get me to grab it and pull it out of their lives so things will be peaceful again. Who but Mom can do that?
  11. ML

    ML Guest

    Which is why I'm forever trying to teach manster to take responsibility for his own feelings and behaviors. I apologize to our male members but my personal experience with the boys and men in my life is that they will seldom take responsiblity for anything if there is a woman (wife or mom) they can put it on. Sure they want us to take their pain away and obviously we can't. I think it's good you keep going to bowling (and good that your reduced the frequency) because you now have opportunities to practice the best way to handle adversity and frustration. Better he learns it now then when he's an adult and the consequences are more costly and permanent.