No news is good news.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I guess.... I am just in waiting mode... waiting for something to happen because I know eventually something will. I have heard nothing from my difficult child since Tuesday night when he didn't get on the plane... and of course he never did go back as far as we know... which is further violation of his probation as he is supposed to continue with treatment which he is now not doing as far as I know.

    Ugh I did contact the lawyer to make sure we do not need to let probation know anything... and to let him know that if our difficult child contacts him for legal help he should let us know because we are probably done paying for his legal fees. He agreed with that and said we have done what we can and more than many parents would.

    A part of me just wants something to happen because I hate this not knowing feeling... somehow I have to get used to that and not let it bring me down. Going to my drug of choice (chocolate) is not helping me. LOL.

    I told a friend I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop... and she said instead why don't you just wait until he picks up the other shoe, puts it on and it fits. LOL.... so that is what I need to try and do.

    Anyway I am convinced that one way or another my difficult child will be going to jail... his decisions this time around were really stupid... and he thinks he can keep it together and maybe he can for a little while... but the girlfriend will break up with him again, he will do something impulsive, the police in all the towns around know him and wil not give him any more breaks. And of course the drugs will start calling to him .....

    I know I sound and feel pessimistic and I am..... but I also think I am realistic.

    I just dont know how long it will take.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry TL. I would feel the same as you do. It does sound as if he is not going to get help unless something happens now to make him get help. He has shut that door. What does your husband think about all this?

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    sorry TL, I am sure this is just a heavy weight. I love how you are talking to friends and are letting some of it out here, that will help relieve some of the burden. I think you probably are being more realistic than pessimistic which is important for your mental health. I tend to qualify so much saying, but this good thing happened, and they are really trying in this area etc, (in my difficult child's situations) and really I am having to try to be more realistic too. For his sake and mine. It is really just thoughts based on past reality, probably not pessimism.

    I wish that was not so. You are doing a great job. ((HUGS))

    Luv, Buddy
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, my name is Kathy and I am addicted to Hershey Hugs.

    Seriously, TL, I am sorry that you are going through this and understand exactly how you feel. I had to laugh, though, at your choice of drugs . . . chocolate.

    I do the same thing. When we have a major issue with difficult child, I send husband to the store to get me a bag of Hershey Hugs and eat the whole bag!

    Maybe we should find us a CA group . . . Chocoholics Anonymous.:bigsmile:

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks all... it sure helps to have people who really understand!! Nancy - my husband and I are basically on the same page. I don't think he feels it as much as I do, or lets it get in his way of his life, he is much better at compartamentalizing than I am. But he is supportive of me and we are on the same page in terms of not helping difficult child any more. I think I feel angry and husband feels more disappointment. husband was on a business trip, leaving the same time difficult child was supposed to. I am really glad he is home... because it was hard being here by myself all week. I had my daughter but really I try not to talk to much about it with her.

    And I am on weight watchers trying to lose all this extra weight I have (I have lost 40 pounds so far) so really the chocolate thing is not healthy for me..... but i just got back and I stayed the same this week which is a good thing. I know I eat for stress but am trying to keep focusing on taking really good care of myself and not let my difficult child and his junk derail me too much.

    I had a moment of sadness and went momentarily to that place of what could we have done differrently.... but had to stop that line of thinking. Really he is 20 years old and we have offered him loads and loads of support and treatment and he chose this time to blow us all off.... and it will catch up with him. You can't just blow off the court like that and expect there to be no consequences.

    Time will tell.... just don't know if it will be days or weeks.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL...I am sorry this is happening but sometimes these kids dont just need a tap on the shoulder to learn, they need to get hit in the head by a 2x4. It appears your son has forgotten he didnt much like jail or he has listened to some fools in one of the rehabs who have filled his head with bs about what will and wont happen to him. That is his problem if he did that.

    I am really hoping he is just catching a ride back with a friend and they are taking the scenic route. Maybe stopped at a motel or two along the way. I dont know, just throwing out straws.

    If not, you have the right idea. You have to prepare for the phone calls that will come. Stay strong. He has messed up, not you. You have gone above and beyond what a lot of parents would have done or have been able to do. I admire you. Your son is blessed to have you but maybe he needs time to understand how blessed he is.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My husband is much better at compartmentalizing stuff too. He gets angry but he doesn't show it and doesn't worry about what could happen. He's pretty realistic in his thinking when it comes to her. I on the other hand worry a lot. I guess that's what us moms do.

    Just a suggestion, have you thought about calling the sober house just so you know what he told them if anything? I like to know the truth.

    It's good to try to stay out of that dark place in our heads where the worry and what if's can consume us. It's his life now, he has to live it. You have done over and above what a parent should have to do.

    (((((Hershey Hugs)))))
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks. I did text the sober house "mom". They never heard from him. He left them hanging at the airport and never had the curtesy to call them and tell them he wasn't coming back! That makes me so mad. The amount of inconsideration, not only for us, but for others who care about him just galls me. I don't see how this girlfriend thinks he is going to treat her any differently than he treats everyone else. Really I am mad at her too.... he would have gone back if it was not for her.... but I also know it is his fault not hers.

    It does leave me this level of anxiety.... but I am also doing ok. At least I am not feeling depressed and totally immobilized....

    I am sure that over time you get used to the not knowing what is going on with them... and I wonder will it get harder for him to call us for money when he has had no contact with us... and I am not sending him loving motherly texts any more either. I am done with that too.... I don't think I will even text him on Thanksgiving, unless he texts me first.

  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Just sending you love and hugs-(I'm a Hershey kiss w almonds girl myself. )

    My h is way better at seeing things in black & white too.
  10. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sorry you have to go through this waiting. My difficult child had a girlfriend that was his downfall. He was so blinded by love that he couldn't see she was deliberately trying to sabatoge him. At the time, difficult child was court ordered to go to counseling and she told him that the only time she could see him was on the days and exact time he was to be in counseling. Of course, difficult child decided he didn't want to go to counseling then, even though it was court mandated. The counselor literally had to come out to get him and sailed into him about listening to the court.
    When I am upset, I always head for chocolate and a cup of tea! Chocolate is the best stress buster!

    PS - Congrats on the weight loss!
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Count me in the girlfriend/boyfriend downfall category. There are several that I am pretty bitter about. While I know it was her fault, they sure did nothing to help the situation. Your difficult child's girlfriend better be prepared to support him. I would be so angry at her also.

    I know how upsetting this is, that he turns his back on the only real help out there, that he doesn't have the decency to be honest with you, that he planned this all along and lied. That he doesn't care at all about you or your husband.