NO one knows....but you guys.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, May 14, 2007.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    By the time difficult child gets shoved out the door by me to get onto the bus that pulls up at our house, I am totally exhausted and full of anger and full of defeated-ness. It's not 8:00 AM and I'm so full of anger I wonder if I can shake it the rest of the day. WHY do difficult children put us through this? WHY can he hold it together while his father is here and for the teachers and then let loose on me every single minute we have with no one else present? I will never understand it. He's so defiant, calls me names, sticks out his bootocks like he's passing gas on me, kicks the little dogs, pretends like he's stealing money out of the dresser, slams the doors, and after I shove him outside, he stands there ringing the doorbell till the bus shows up. WHY??? What fun is that for a boy who's going on 12? He's slowly driving me totally insane. Yes, I get a break, yes I'm on ADs, yes I tell his therapist. None of that changes his behavior. We've done behavior mods since he was FOUR and very little has changed.

    I knew you guys would understand...........thanks.
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Pamela - wm is exactly the same way with me. Having said that, husband has stepped in with wm. He's doing the majority of the therapy with wm. Foster mum supports me; encourages husband in all the dealings he has with wm.

    husband has continually told wm that "you will not treat my wife in that manner & if you cannot treat her with respect, you will deal with me".

    It makes an impact on wm - he wants me to visit. He wants me to be his mom & yet he fights me every step of the way.

    And I have the "luxury" (for lack of a better word) to walk away when wm steps over a line, as wm is in a group home.

    Just know that we are here for you - vent, scream away!
  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child does same with me. husband thinks he does nothing wrong. I am the only one here. Only he doesn't hold it together at school either. So, I get phone calls, and emails. And when I tell husband what difficult child did to me, or at school...difficult child tells husband a different story and husband believes HIM. So talk about feeling defeated. I tried to have husband handle things, but he told me I need to handle things when he is not here. Why he believes difficult child over me?? difficult child knows exactly how to act, what to say to look like daddy's easy child. Then difficult child tells therapist and sw that he hates me.
  4. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Kjs, at least I have husband's support, but he can't be here ALL the time. I can't imagine husband believing difficult child instead of me. How sad. And timer, husband steps in as much as possible, but he's already gone to the office when this stuff starts. The therapist wants husband to stay home till difficult child goes to school. That's unrealistic. I guess it's ME who is the trigger, but what do ya do? I LIVE here and I AM his mother....I can't walk away and turn him loose. I just feel like yet another HUGE cry.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Really, I don't know what to say. If husband isn't around when your difficult child is in this mode is there anyone else who can be there to defuse the situation.

    Your difficult child has been teetering on the edge for a great deal of time now. He's triangulating the adults around him & making YOU the fall guy. Somehow, all the adults need to be on the same page.

    For better or worse, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) helped both of the tweedles with this behavior more than anything. They were called down for each incident of "staff splitting" along with outrageous choices toward parents & various other problem situations.

    Would a day treatment or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) setting be the answer for difficult child? He's going on 12 - it's time for him to learn new ways to cope, handle his anger & frustrations; to self regulate.

  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm so sorry!!! Unfortunately, difficult child 1 actually enjoys conflict, and especially when he isn't stable, will do whatever he can to cause chaos in our house. I'm always difficult child 1's "punching bag." I know how hard this is!!!

    After years of absolute H-LL, things have gotten better. We still have problems with difficult child 1's behavior, but not as severe. For us, once difficult child 1 was put on trileptal, it was a small miracle!!! Also, husband and I spoke to his therapist and learned that nothing would ever change until difficult child 1 realized that husband WOULD NOT TOLERATE his disgusting behavior toward me ever again. We also learned to pick and choose our battles carefully. Now things are still far from perfect. Sometimes we slip back into our old ways of handling things. Luckily for us, we are able to reverse our methods quickly and get back on course.

    Although life is still a daily struggle with difficult child 1, things are better. We have to live life by a daily schedule. Expectations for difficult child 1 are clear and consistent. difficult child 1 loses "reward time" if he isn't courteous. We keep a daily chart on the refrigerator. He loses 15 minutes of "Reward Time" each time he isn't courteous. I've learned to let lots of little things go. difficult child 1 lives for his computer. This is the only thing that seems to matter to him. We use this to our advantage. difficult child 1 hates to lose even 15 minutes of his daily "Reward Time" (use of computer).

    I manage to deflate my anger toward difficult child 1 by taking as much "ME" time as I can. Take care of yourself the best you can. I make sure I exercise daily because this is my #1 way of getting rid of my anger and resentment on a daily basis.

    I don't know if I've just been rambling here... I hope something I said helps you or just lets you know I understand. I know how hard this truly is!!! Sending cyber hugs, WFEN
  7. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    HOnestly, husband understands, believes me, and steps in whenever he's here. He has to make a living and isn't here 24/7, though. Most of the time this occurs is early morning after husband goes to the office, so there's no one else who could be here. I don't know who that would be anyway....our daughter lives a thousand miles away and difficult child has run off any friends so we have none. Oh boo hoo....I sound like a whiner. I just get SO tired of doing this for eight years. Being on Lithium is helping alot and the weekend was awesome, but husband was there every second. We are extremely structured, he received appropriate redirection...he seems to "enjoy" treating me horribly. I've tried it all....I ignore, I cry, I stop speaking, I have left the house, I punish. I don't know what else to do to get it to stop. It's gone on forever and I dread him being fifteen and still treating me that way. At least he doesn't hit me any longer.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Hugs Pamela}}}

    My friend's gfgdd (8) is also really disruptive in the AM when it comes time to catch the bus. She and the school modified her program to catch a bus about an hour later and it helped some. They also changed her bus driver to a woman who doubles as a para for special needs kids in her district, so this woman often diffuses the situation and saves my friend and her daughter from a total meltdown. Any chance of looking into something like that?
  9. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Is there anything that means as much to your difficult child as computer games mean to my difficult child 1? If there is, maybe you and husband could find a way to use this to control difficult child's morning behavior.

    It seems like total disrespect towards you needs the most attention at this particular moment. If you believe in charts, maybe the one thing that means the most to difficult child could be used as a "Reward" for being courteous to you. Just an idea. Unfortunately I have to go!!! I'm about to be late for car appointment. If you want to explore this further, let me know. I'de be happy to go into more detail about how we got this sort of thing to help with difficult child 1. WFEN
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    do you have a good friend/neighbor who can come for morning coffee while difficult child is getting off to school...for support and maybe to make difficult child see that someone is watching.

    other thought- have a video camera ready. when he starts to act out tell him you are filming this to show him tonight while having popcorn.
  11. FinnishPrincess

    FinnishPrincess New Member

    Sometimes it's much easier to be in denial than to acctually accept that things are outside of what the "normal" behaviors are supposed to be. Chalk it up to typical "boy" behaviors. "I was like that at that age", etc. There are so many well intentioned people out there but honestly it's difficult to deal with kids that are like this. Challenging at all times!
    Hang in there.... Good things come to those who wait, right?

  12. CCRidr2

    CCRidr2 Sheena-Warrior Momma


    It's because it's one of the few things they can control in their twisted universe. In our difficult child's world this behavior would prove to him that I still love him if I'm still home when he gets in from school.

  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I found a high school girl in dire need of a job. She comes in the am and puts my wee difficult child on the bus. It was rough starting off, and she's had a few battles, but overall its worked well. I get out of the house without the stress of the morning and routine, and she only has to handle 45 minutes, which she gets paid for, and he doesn't push her as bad as he will me (he pushes, but not quite as bad). I found her thru the high school counselor. She's a Godsend.
  14. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I've been thinking about you all day. One thing popped into my mind while I was waiting for the work on my car to be completed. difficult child 1's therapist told us to always remain calm and unemotional when dealing with difficult child 1. He thrives on chaos. The more chaos he can create, the happier he is.

    Since you said that you think your difficult child "enjoys" treating you badly, it reminded me of difficult child 1. Most of the time, I'm able to stop difficult child 1's horrible behavior by remaining calm and totally unemotional. (I wouldn't be able to do this without daily exercise and "ME" time).

    For example, if difficult child 1 tells me to F-CK myself, I tell him in an unemotional voice that this sort of rudeness is unacceptable in our house. He is then given a check mark on his daily chart. This means that he has lost 15 minutes of his "Reward Time."

    difficult child 1's therapist told us to keep our sentences to five or six words when having to talk to him. He said that difficult child 1 will totally tune out if we say too much. Also, if we try to explain to difficult child 1 that this sort of thing is hurtful, etc..., difficult child 1 will smile. In his twisted way of thinking, he thinks he has "won". If difficult child 1 thinks he has gotten to us, he'll continue to be as rude and defiant as he can be. He'll keep going if he thinks he can get us to yell at him. If we yell at him, he'll smile. To him, this is just a "game".

    It's just an idea, but maybe it's worth a try in your house too. I have to admit that difficult child 1 got alot worse before he got better when we first started this approach. However, the results were worth it!!!

    When he is being extremely horrible, I tell myself over and over again that nobody would want to be the way he is on purpose. I have to keep reminding myself that he is mentally ill. Sometimes this is harder than others.

    Even now, difficult child 1 always behaves better for husband than for me. However, difficult child 1 knows that if he mistreats me, husband will not stand for it. When difficult child 1 is truly out of control, I have to call husband, have him leave work, and help me deal with difficult child 1. There are still times I can't do it alone.

    Anyway, just a suggestion. Being unemotional with difficult child 1 has made my life lots easier. And, if you decide to try this approach, you always have cyber shoulders to lean on... WFEN
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    First I'll say oh boy do I remember those days! Every morning from the moment he woke up to the time he left. Every afternoon from the moment I got him from school or daycare, with the teacher running up to tattle on him as soon as I walked in the door. As you can see, he didn't hold it together for anyone else, either. He could do it because he did from time to time for certain people. But not generally. He never really cared enough for another person to try to please anyone.

    The theory I have heard is that they do it most to us because they know that they will be safe. I believe that M did it to others to get a rise out of me. It certainly worked. For the life of me, I don't think I will ever figure it out, and now that he is grown and gone I just can't be bothered with it anymore. It's out of my hands.
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Witzend and WFEN, you two hit it on the head, I think.

    If anyone is familiar with "123 magic", you recall much of the same message: do not react emotionally to the child when they are pushing your buttons. It is such a simple concept, and SO hard to do, especially when they are swinging the cat by the tail and telling you that you suck and spilling paint on the beige carpet. It really does take practice.

    And yeah, they save it ALL up for those that they feel safest with. Lucky us.