Nobody cares

[flutterby]

Do you have any idea of how sick and tired I am of hearing this come out of difficult child's mouth?

Nobody cares
I'm not important
Everyone is more important than me
It doesn't matter to anyone how I feel
blah, blah, blah

Our entire lives have centered around difficult child and her needs. But, if I'm not willing to do a 3 hour saga of how miserable she is and how horrible I am as a parent, then I don't care.

She was in a *bad* mood tonight. All day actually. She came storming in wanting to turn on the A/C because she's hot. It's 52 degrees outside. "Nobody cares about how I feel. All that matters is if you're hot or not." And then on and on about [see above]. She hates this house. Well, I like it. So that's all that matter is that *you* like it. Ummm...yeah. I'm the mom.

I told her to turn on the A/C, but only for 20 minutes. I even went and got a blanket to cover up with. If she's hot, she gets a headache and is miserable.

No. She's not going to do it because I don't really want her to because I don't care. I'm just telling her that to shut her up, but I really don't care.

Told her, yeah, that's what it is. That it's absolutely ridiculous to turn on the A/C when it's 52 degrees outside, but that I was going to let her do it because I know how bad she feels if she gets too warm. But, whatever. I don't care.

She calmed down and told me she'd been mad all day. Told her I could tell.

Everything's going ok. We were talking...about her, of course. She planted herself in her usual spot which means it was going to be a 3 hour saga.

easy child came home and needed to rearrange the cars. He was going to do it himself, but it made more sense for me to help him. 2 people, 2 cars. Was outside for less than a minute. Came back in and she was gone.

She came back a few min ago and got some tylenol. I asked her if she had a headache. Her response? "What do you care? easy child came home and he was more important than me."

There is NOTHING I can do that will ever be enough for this child. NOTHING. I could peel off skin and it wouldn't be enough. And I am SICK and TIRED of hearing how I don't care. Obviously, everything I've done means nothing. Because if ONE time I don't react the way she wants me to then I don't care.

One time, my eyes were burning because they were so dry so I was putting in natural tears while she was talking. I hadn't left the room. I was standing right next to her. I told her why I had to do it. But, even though it was medically necessary for me, I wasn't giving her my *entire* attention and she stormed off. You guessed it. I didn't care.

Just like when she was about 8 or 9 and after giving her all possible remedies for a sore knee (ibuprofen, tylenol, heat, ice, massage, rest) and she shot them down without even trying, tells me that if I really loved her I would think of something. This isn't typical teen. This is just who she is. And after 14 years of never being able to do enough no matter what I do, I don't think I can take much more. I am tired of being beat up. I told her tonight (after the deal with helping easy child) that she has no idea what it would feel like to have a mother that really doesn't care. And I walked away.

 

[timer lady]

Heather,

It seems that your difficult child isn't emotionally even close to her chronological age. She has many many skills to learn that she's yet to learn. Empathy comes to mind; mood self regulation & self calming. That she isn't the center of the universe; in the real world people will just blow her off. That's something she needs to learn real soon.

Likely she needs to return to the school environment & learn some very necessary social skills. Her peers will teach her real fast.

Honey, you need to find hobbies or something to fill your time so you aren't such an available target for your difficult child & her "antics". husband & I would tag off & take turns stepping out of the house when this type of thing was going on. Your difficult child doesn't need the 24/7 supervision the tweedles do so you can just step out of the house.

Better yet, send difficult child out to walk the dogs, run around the house a dozen times or start weeding in your yard.

It's time to put a stop to this nonsense. If difficult child doesn't stop don't hang around to be a target to her tantrums.

It's not good for anyone - especially you.

 

[busywend]

been there done that - got the crown!

My difficult child is the very same way. I finally recently told her (probably because she is older now) that I realize I will never have the right answer, do the right thing, make her happy, etc. So, I was done trying. And I am. I haven't heard the you do not love mes (unless there was a smirk behind it) in months!

 

[crazymama30]

I think I agree with Timer Lady.

I do see a lot of this in my easy child. I hate it, it is no fun. Not to that extreme though.

Hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree. She's going to be angry no matter what you do, so you need to do whatever YOU need to do and quit making excuses.
You shouldn't need to excuse the fact that you rearranged the cars. Her sense of reality is skewed.
Perhaps you can give her a project to do. When she finishes it, reward her with-something. Then you can spend a bit of time doing something alone that you want to do.
Please have a clear conscience. Don't let her get to you.

 

[gcvmom]

I think Linda hit the nail on the head. difficult child seems intent on manipulating you. That would wear anybody out. I guess in a word detachment would be the best thing to do for yourself, AND try to get her busy so she doesn't have much time to wallow... She's using you tooooo much as an outlet for her anxiety. We have to be sounding boards as moms, but we don't have to be emotional punching bags.

 

[ML]

I think this is part of gfgness. It's an egocentric immaturity. I think we pander to it when we approach it from an angle of direct response. It almost feeds it when you say "yes I do care". I have found changing the subject the only way to step away from the drama. As far helping them to not feel that way, I'm not sure if we have the power. Still trying to figure out if that's something I have control over or if it will happen as difficult child travels his own journey of maturity. Thinking of you and knowing how you feel. ML

 

[Wiped Out]

(((hugs))) I know this is so wearing.

 

[flutterby]

Thank you, ladies.

As she was talking last night about her "evil brain", as she calls it, I was thinking that I hadn't seen this level of emotional dysregulation with her for a long time. I'm too tired to go into the details, but it was waving a big red flag.

It's emotional immaturity, it's egocentric immaturity, it's inability to show empathy - even though she does feel it, and inability to self-calm. You ladies nailed it. And I wonder how much comes from the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) traits, how much is depression, how much is anxiety - cause they would be, to some extent, addressed differently. But, I am NOT allowed to mention depression and anxiety because she doesn't think she has either of those and if I mention them then I don't believe anything she says. So, I keep it in the back of my mind - a tally of sorts, to keep tabs on behavior and mood.

She has been getting hot a lot lately. She says she feels hot from the inside out, although she doesn't feel like she has a fever. When this happens, she feels nauseous and gets a headache. She takes tylenol or ibuprofen and it seems to help. So, I should get her to the doctor to have her checked out. I'm sure that's not helping things.

Sigh. I'm just tired. I seem to attract difficult child's...mine, difficult child 2, easy child's girlfriend's mom, a difficult child friend who I'm pretty fed up with.... Ugh. Oh, and my mom is frustrated because of my health and she took it out on me and that happened last night, too. I'm running away to Belize.

 

[susiestar]

I m sorry things are so rough. i had many times when the "Nobody Cares Blues" drove me batty and wore me out.

At several points I would agree with statements like "I never buy you X (which I had JUST bought), or give you Y (hugs, whatever)" and after I went through 8 or 10 things I actually HAD done for Wiz, well, he changed his tune. I usually listed things he had gotten recently, or games we played, things he was allowed to do, and Mom things like cooking dinner, washing clothes, taking him places.

If the tune did NOT change then I very nicely said I would truly STOP doing these things. I would take him to the grocery store and NOT let him pick out anything. I would cook dinners I KNEW he didn't like, I would refuse to take him to soccer or whatever and refuse to give permission for him to go with someone else.

It wasn't a short process, but it DID work. I forget who suggested it to me. I also often SANG the "I never did" things = and Wiz would truly prefer I chop an arm off of him that listen to my out of tune singing.

I made it fun for ME - singing, rhyming, whatever.

and as for the never listening - ask her if she would like to truly experience you NOT listening to ANYTHING she says for 24 hours. If she is dumb enough to say yes, then put in some earplugs or your music and do what YOU want - ignore every single word that comes out of her mouth.

At the end of the time ask her to compare your normal behavior to the hours you truly ignored everything she said. Ask HER what the differences are. Ask if that is what she TRULY wants. I offered to to either way Wiz (and Jessie at about age 7) wanted.

My kids yelled, got in my face - as in less than 1 INCH from my face, did EVERYTHING they could to get me to listen. (I did it for just 2-3 hours before the teen years) If they fought I would just remove the item or the fighting child, never speaking. Often the item went into the trash, because moms who don't listen don't care if it is a favorite toy, they just don't care.

We always had very interesting talks after this, where we ALL learned something.

I haven't had to do it since thank you was about 2, so he was not included. I always was a normal mom to him, while ignoring the offensive kid.

(I said offensive, not offending. I truly consider the "mom doesn't care" line to be the nastiest manipulation and a truly offensive way to behave.)

It is just one strategy to use. I only did it (the ignoring treatment) when things got to the extreme (difficult children are SOOO good at taking things to the extreme).

Hugs.

 

[daralex]

I get somethink like this from my difficult child (same age as yours) except mine is that I'm the worst mother ever. This is because I recently put my foot down as I couldn't take it anymore either. I explained I am her mother and all I need to provide her with was food, clothing, and shelter. If she wanted stuff like hairspray (by the carton!) she would have to pay herself. OHHH - if you could have heard the tirade that followed that - it went on for DAYS!! I am a horrible mother because I won't let her pierce her tongue and am making her pay for her makeup - OOOOOOOH!! It takes a long time for it to get through to her - but she is coming around slowly.

We will always be the bad guy - you just have to remember that you are more patient and caring than most moms. Sometimes we have to keep telling ourselves because difficult child's ARE manipulative and do not always see things clearly. I feel your pain - I know your frustration. Focus more on what is good for you and difficult child will just have to get used to it. It's a rough road. Sending {{{HUGS}}}!
-Dara

 

[Steely]

As I have said before, your difficult child and mine seem extremely alike when it comes to the skewed reality portion. Sometimes I really do wish I knew how much NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) affects their brain in this regard.

Truthfully the worst choice I made was to homeschool difficult child. His self absorption and sense of reality plummeted - he became completely intent on manipluating me and taking out his emotions on me - and he slowly became agorohpbic and fearful of socializing.

I gently urge you to get her back into school. For your sake as well as hers. It got to the point with Matt that even looking at him made me sick - because we were around each other 24/7 - not healthy. And he became so co-dependent on me, that it will take years for this to become undone. The fist 5 months he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the one thing the counselors had to focus on most was getting him to develop his own sense of self, because he had become so co-dependent on me.

Hugs & strength..........
Steely

 

[KTMom91]

been there done that as well. It rears its ugly head around here from time to time, but it HAS gotten better. I never thought it would.

Many hugs.