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Not a good night
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 58707" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Amber,</p><p></p><p>I hope Fran won't mind if I try to ... if not answer your question, at least explore it (sorry for hijacking your post, Sharon :wink: ).</p><p></p><p>First off, I have the luxury of having already lived through years of unimaginable violence with- thank you, even though he left home when he was 9. We've already dealt with- having to make the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) decision, 3 times over. My son has finally reached the point where he is safe enough and stable enough to move to a step-down placement. So... we've already been to heck and back several times over. While I really try to remember how I felt when we were in the thick of things, to be honest the pain and frustration and fear have faded a bit - it's why I don't respond as often on the board. I've lost a bit of my legitimacy, if you will, because we haven't had to deal with- gfgness on a day in and day out basis. But...</p><p></p><p>I do remember enough to know that when we have to live with- violent/abusive behavior on a day-to-day basis, we become a bit immune to it. We lose our perspective of what is "normal" or "acceptable". My very serious concern for Sharon, for *any* parent who has to live with- this level of violence on a regular basis, is that it is incredibly damaging. Not only to the parent, but to the siblings and to the difficult child. I think Sharon's daughter's response is an excellent example. It's heartbreaking but for years my younger two kids knew when to go to a safe place in the home (they were only 5 and 2 when thank you left the first time). Ultimately, we had to put a keyed lock on the upstairs hall door to keep thank you away from them, even though I was here 24/7 to monitor. Again, having had the luxury of *not* living with- the violence for most of the last 7 years, I can see now how utterly damaging that was for my two younger kids.</p><p></p><p>Damaging to thank you, too. He was out of control. *I* couldn't control him. I could contain him, but that's different and certainly not going to promote change. He used his violence to get attention, to create excitement, or ... just because. It became a very sick coping skill of his, especially since he knew if he kept escalating, at some point I would have to call in reinforcements and have him transported to the hospital (I lost count of admissions at 21 or 22). There was no down side for him, there was no deterrent - not necessarily that a deterrant was the answer because thank you is/was a very ill little boy. Mind you, during this entire time, from age 3 on, we were doing therapy and psychiatrists and intensive in-home therapy. We were tweaking medications left and right - for my son, medications have not been a cure and for quite a long time, weren't even an effective tool. It wasn't touching his behaviors, at home or at school. He injured a teacher at school. It was a matter of time before there were some serious injuries happening at home as well. And how would any of what we were doing, that wasn't working, going to help prepare him to live safely as an adult?</p><p></p><p>I won't speak for Fran, but my concern in reading about Sharon's evening, and knowing the behaviors she has to deal with far too frequently, is that the degree of her son's violence, the unpredictability and volatility, is not changing and he *is* getting older and bigger. </p><p></p><p>I don't know what the answer is. I do know that at some point we have to weigh the emotional and physical safety of the entire family. It's a rude shock to step outside of ourselves, see what day to day life with- a difficult child truly entails, really see the abuse for what it is. It's also *incredibly* hard to make the decision to ask for more help that what you're getting, when you know the only "more" left is is an out of home placement. We tried everything to keep thank you home, long after his psychiatrist and outstanding therapist had strongly recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It felt like such a huge personal failure to have to take that step but at the same time, I was covered in bruises and bite marks, my other kids were cowering and getting very emotionally unhealthy, and it was, I believe to this day, simply a matter of time before thank you did something more than break someone's arm and *then* what were we going to do? </p><p></p><p>If the status quo in your home is frequent violence, then something more has to be done. I would *never* presume to tell anyone to look into RTCs as a definitive answer - that is in my humble opinion an intensely private and personal decision that has to be made based on the strengths and needs of each individual family unit - but at the same time, I think it's important to reinforce to parents who are still in the thick of it that violence is *never* acceptable and that unfortunately (because I do remember well how hard it was to find resources) new treatment options/behavior management/crisis management/whatever you want to call it need to be found, some how, some way, in *any* way you can find it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 58707, member: 8"] Amber, I hope Fran won't mind if I try to ... if not answer your question, at least explore it (sorry for hijacking your post, Sharon [img]:wink:[/img] ). First off, I have the luxury of having already lived through years of unimaginable violence with- thank you, even though he left home when he was 9. We've already dealt with- having to make the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) decision, 3 times over. My son has finally reached the point where he is safe enough and stable enough to move to a step-down placement. So... we've already been to heck and back several times over. While I really try to remember how I felt when we were in the thick of things, to be honest the pain and frustration and fear have faded a bit - it's why I don't respond as often on the board. I've lost a bit of my legitimacy, if you will, because we haven't had to deal with- gfgness on a day in and day out basis. But... I do remember enough to know that when we have to live with- violent/abusive behavior on a day-to-day basis, we become a bit immune to it. We lose our perspective of what is "normal" or "acceptable". My very serious concern for Sharon, for *any* parent who has to live with- this level of violence on a regular basis, is that it is incredibly damaging. Not only to the parent, but to the siblings and to the difficult child. I think Sharon's daughter's response is an excellent example. It's heartbreaking but for years my younger two kids knew when to go to a safe place in the home (they were only 5 and 2 when thank you left the first time). Ultimately, we had to put a keyed lock on the upstairs hall door to keep thank you away from them, even though I was here 24/7 to monitor. Again, having had the luxury of *not* living with- the violence for most of the last 7 years, I can see now how utterly damaging that was for my two younger kids. Damaging to thank you, too. He was out of control. *I* couldn't control him. I could contain him, but that's different and certainly not going to promote change. He used his violence to get attention, to create excitement, or ... just because. It became a very sick coping skill of his, especially since he knew if he kept escalating, at some point I would have to call in reinforcements and have him transported to the hospital (I lost count of admissions at 21 or 22). There was no down side for him, there was no deterrent - not necessarily that a deterrant was the answer because thank you is/was a very ill little boy. Mind you, during this entire time, from age 3 on, we were doing therapy and psychiatrists and intensive in-home therapy. We were tweaking medications left and right - for my son, medications have not been a cure and for quite a long time, weren't even an effective tool. It wasn't touching his behaviors, at home or at school. He injured a teacher at school. It was a matter of time before there were some serious injuries happening at home as well. And how would any of what we were doing, that wasn't working, going to help prepare him to live safely as an adult? I won't speak for Fran, but my concern in reading about Sharon's evening, and knowing the behaviors she has to deal with far too frequently, is that the degree of her son's violence, the unpredictability and volatility, is not changing and he *is* getting older and bigger. I don't know what the answer is. I do know that at some point we have to weigh the emotional and physical safety of the entire family. It's a rude shock to step outside of ourselves, see what day to day life with- a difficult child truly entails, really see the abuse for what it is. It's also *incredibly* hard to make the decision to ask for more help that what you're getting, when you know the only "more" left is is an out of home placement. We tried everything to keep thank you home, long after his psychiatrist and outstanding therapist had strongly recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It felt like such a huge personal failure to have to take that step but at the same time, I was covered in bruises and bite marks, my other kids were cowering and getting very emotionally unhealthy, and it was, I believe to this day, simply a matter of time before thank you did something more than break someone's arm and *then* what were we going to do? If the status quo in your home is frequent violence, then something more has to be done. I would *never* presume to tell anyone to look into RTCs as a definitive answer - that is in my humble opinion an intensely private and personal decision that has to be made based on the strengths and needs of each individual family unit - but at the same time, I think it's important to reinforce to parents who are still in the thick of it that violence is *never* acceptable and that unfortunately (because I do remember well how hard it was to find resources) new treatment options/behavior management/crisis management/whatever you want to call it need to be found, some how, some way, in *any* way you can find it. [/QUOTE]
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