Not as optomistic

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lizthehopeful, Jul 30, 2012.

  1. lizthehopeful

    lizthehopeful New Member

    I don't even know if I'm spelling that correctly and considering the way things have been going probably not...

    I was I was "Liz The Hopeful"... truely I should have posted as Liz the Hopeless. Because that's how things are feeling... I am a 47 year old single mother of a 23 year old meth head. difficult child? GFC? I can't even remember.. I've been reading other people's posts since Friday and I'm not feeling very hopeful.

    Latest? After 10 years of one thing after the next? I went to visit my daughter in Texas where she was living with her Dad (she had flunked out of a private out of state college 200k later)... when I saw her she had sores all over her body and it was obvious she was up to no good... HELLO,...! She looked like the POSTER CHILD for a meth addict!! HOW did her Dad not notice this??!! He's at the poverty line (not that it's an excuse) and is busy meeting ends while raising a 4 year old. WHY isn't she living with me? Honestly because at the time she flunked out of school(which I paid for solo) she had pulled so much bs that I RESENTED this kid to the Nth DEGREE!!!

    Well.... she continued to do her thing. In the year she was at her Dad's I bought her a car to get back and forth to work... when I went to deliver the car after a 2 day road trip there was a 35 year old boyfriend that looked like he should work at a CARNIVAL! AND YES!! her DAD was letting him stay there with her!! I lost it! Put the car into storage and got on my flight a day later. Didn't give her the car until the CARNIE was out of the picture. How did he get out of the picture? They got "physical" according to her dad. He's an idiot.

    Soool... Went 3 weeks ago for a "fun filled mommy- daughter weekend" only to find what looked like a crack ***** instead of my daughter. Went insane... worst weekend of my life. Her dad insisted that she was going to turn things around. Fortunately ? she was due to come for a visit here with me this past weekend. Showed up looking as bad if not worse. Clothes falling off of her... sores as big as a half dollar. If I could drop f bombs all over the place and peel my chest open to show you my barely beating heart I would...

    We had 3 days of me walking on eggshells until I could convince her to go into rehab. Long story short (and it's a hell of a story) she took off and is in another state considering coming back here to rehab.

    Why am I posting tonight? Honestly... because I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and want someone besides my husband and friends (who ALSO resent her for hurting me nonstop for 10 years) to feel sorry for me? Is it too late for an abortion? Because she is killing me!!1
  2. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Oh dear! Words can not express how amazed by you I am. I do not believe I could handle the life that has been handed to you. I have no words to make anything that you are going through any better. I do appreciate your honesty and your bravery for sharing your story.
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is definitely too late for an abortion. I'm sorry you're going through all of this - this is not what we want for our children, not by a longshot.
    You've done what you can - she has to do the rest, and all any of us can really do is offer help and support to stop using. You can keep encouraging it, but it must come from her, otherwise it won't work. Please take care of yourself - don't be hopeless. You can get through this.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Welcome to the board, and to the family.

    Drugs are a horrible thing to deal with, addiction is the most horrid thing to watch your child go through, and meth is one of the worst as it's a fast progression. I had a hard enough time watching my bff kill herself over a period of about 8 yrs, I couldn't begin to imagine the pain of it if she had been my child. As it was she was like a little sis to me and it just ripped me to pieces. So senseless, such a waste.

    One thing you might find helpful in addition to coming her and spending time with us, is going to see a counselor for yourself. We're great and we care, but honestly it helps to have someone in person you can unload on who can offer insights and guidance and help you to detach yourself from the chaos you can't control. Because the hardest thing to learn and accept, is that you have no control whatsoever over another person, even your child. You can only control yourself, what you do & don't do, what behavior you'll be exposed to and what you refuse to be exposed to.

    You difficult child can go to rehab a million times but until she is ready and motivated to make that change in her life and do the work to make it so, she will fail.

    But there are steps via learning to detach that can help you not to enable her addiction and make her face the consequences of her choices. It's hard to do at first. But it seems as if you've done some already.

    Meth is an extremely difficult drug to get off of. It doesn't mean it isn't possible. I just want you to realize that to put it into perspective. My bff to my knowledge didn't do meth, it's probably the only thing she didn't do. Her last favorite was heroine and that coupled with the prescription drugs she was abusing ended her life 2 yrs ago. She was only 32 yrs old and left behind 2 children. Even two years later that is very difficult for me to put out there. Her family went through a living hell. But her family also, in their ignorance and desire to "help" her, enabled her straight to her grave. They are still suffering her loss as i run into her mother on occasion, we're a small town.

    When dealing with your daughter keep in the forefront of your mind, will this in some way help her to be able to get her drug of choice? If the answer is yes, you need to rethink things and see if there is a better way that won't enable her to get the drug of choice. If there is no other way, then you need to rethink again am I really helping or am I actually making it worse? There were times when bff was broke that I took food to her house so that I knew her boys had something to eat. I had to stop. Not because I didn't care about those boys, but because it enabled her to spend whatever cash she could come up with on heroine. This is only one example of hundreds. It made me angry as heck. It still makes me angry as heck. Her family couldn't reason that way, couldn't stand the thought of her children doing without yet couldn't bring themselves to call cps and have them removed (and they should've been) and would do things like bring food and pay bills bff just kept right on doing what she was doing and letting more and more responsibility fall onto her family while she lived in her own world. Had they not done those things, it would've been difficult if not impossible for her to get her drugs, if she'd been forced to face the consequences of her addiction, it might have pulled her back from the brink. But they couldn't stand to do that to her, she was such a good loving person before the addiction (and she was), but they couldn't get it through their heads that addiction changes who you are, it's all about the drug, they live and breathe for that drug, nothing, nothing else matters. If they don't hit rock bottom and get to the point where they realize they're killing themselves and losing everything........Bff never reached that point. So, her family's good intentions enabled her to death. Yes, bff is still to blame. She did it to herself.

    Learning to detach and not enable someone is a hard process that takes time and practice and you can only do what you can live with at the time. It does get easier the more you practice, and you'll find your boundaries begin to change as you learn and grow and it's easier to say No. You learn to put more focus onto your own life and to take care of yourself so that when your difficult child is ready, you'll be ready to support her.

    Coming here and seeing a counselor can help with the process. I'm so very glad you found us.

  5. lizthehopeful

    lizthehopeful New Member


    Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I'm sure it's difficult for you to talk about and I really do appreciate it more than you know.

    I had gotten really good at detaching last year when I told her she couldn't come stay with me and she went to stay with her dad. While I KNOW that NOT enabling her is the right thing to do, the trauma of seeing my only child in the condition she is in right now has me wanting to CHAIN her to me... I feel like detaching and living my own life made things WORSE! While.. I also know that SHE is the only one that can turn her life around. Bad BAD feeling...

    I'm hanging tough for the moment. Doing my best to TRY to not obsess about her. She obviously doesn't give one **** about how I'm feeling.. you think I'd get a clue!
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Detaching and not enabling doesn't mean walking away or ignoring necessarily. For different people it's different levels depending on the situation. Others here have experience with addiction with their difficult children and I'm sure they'll be along soon.

    It's not really that difficult child doesn't care, it's that as long as she's in the clutches of that drug, it's the center of her universe, her world revolves around it, how to get it. It took me quite a long time with bff to realize that that is a literal statement.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Meth is horrible but I do know someone who has gotten off it. That is the good news.

    Do you have a NA or Families Anonymous in your area? I think it would be really good for you to go to one of those as soon as possible. I really doubt your daughter is ready to go to rehab right now. If she was she would be begging for it. My concern would be that she will either attempt to hurt you or steal you blind to pay for her habit. If she does either one, you need to be ready to call the cops on her. I know that isnt what a parent wants to do to a child but I have done it to my son and it turned him around. You do have to realize if she goes to jail she most likely wont have access to her drugs because they will put her on the withdrawal unit.
  8. lizthehopeful

    lizthehopeful New Member

    I wish she WOULD give me a reason to have her put in jail. That's actually a much better option than some of the scenarios I have running around in my head. I have been to Alanon meetings and will continue to go. Something's got to help before I turn into an alcoholic or my husband gets fed up with it all. Bless his heart. He's not her father. The three times that he's met her? 1- We went to pick her up for dinner and she smelled like weed so badly that we had to roll down the windows in the car 2- She let a gay guy move in with her that was turning tricks on Craigs List and my hustand and I had to drive 6 hours to put him out and change the locks 3- He went with his trailer to help her move apartments. It was so disgusting that the property manager wrote me an email saying it was the worst apartment he'd seen in his decade in the business. HOW IS THIS MY CHILD???!~!! I am having to work so hard to not hate her. I'm having to work so hard to not cry all the time.

    I'm going to post on substance abuse. I want to know if anyone has any experience with Narcanon. It's based on scientology and they make it seem AWFUL on the internet, but it has the best success rate. God we need help,.

    Thanks to all of you for your support.

  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    A few days ago, Alabama Girl on the SA forum posted a collage with AA sayings, one of which reminds me of your situation: "Let go or get dragged." Bless your heart and bless husband's heart, but all you can offer is support and treatment options; you can't live her life for her. She is living in an alternate universe right now, and if you go there with her, you'll be dragged into something you should not be exposed to. I have no experience with NA, and have not heard till now that Narcanon was based on Scientology's concepts - I really thought it was modeled after the AA program, but tailored for narcotics abuse. You can go to AA if you're comfortable with that, it can be helpful for anyone.
  10. lizthehopeful

    lizthehopeful New Member

    "Let go or get dragged."