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Not becoming bitter...
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 197082" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>Thanks guys for responding.</p><p> </p><p>I do get to get away every now & then. We have friends and family locally who will split the kids up and take them overnight now & then so I can get away. (boyfriend and I just recently went to Cherokee, NC for the weekend while the kids stayed with friends and family.)</p><p> </p><p>Periodically, I'll take difficult child 2 and spend the night at boyfriend's house. He has a house in 18 acres. Plenty of room & woods for difficult child 2 to roam on the 4 wheeler, or play a game of pool with boyfriend and I, or go fishing at the pond. We do that once about every week to 10 days. It gives the kids a break from each other and me a break from the constant battles. (Not to mention getting a little down time with my sweetie after difficult child 2 goes to bed!) Since difficult child 1 (16) and difficult child 3 (soon to be 14) are both responsible in terms of taking care of themselves (cooking, cleaning up, taking care of emergencies, etc.) I'm okay with letting them spend the night by themselves once in awhile. (Not to mention, they appreciate having an entire 24 hours of no difficult child 2.) Our next door neighbors check in on them several times while I'm gone, so it works well for us. (Although I'm sure DFCS would make something of it, seeing as how the officers once told me that I couldn't let my 16 year old stay home alone while I spent half the night waiting to get difficult child 2 admitted to the psychiatric hospital. Like I'm supposed to find a sitter for a 16 year old! Please!!)</p><p> </p><p>I do get a break from time to time - even if the "system" would frown on how we do it. They aren't the ones here dealing with the difficult child battle royale, nor are they doing anything to help, so they can just bite me on that one. lol. (Besides, if difficult child 1 can't manage our house for a night, how in the world is she going to manage a child of her own??) </p><p> </p><p>My problem is that the negativity and nastiness I feel towards the world in general is even permeating my down time. Even when we got to get away for the entire weekend, I still couldn't shake the "meanie" thinking. I had less patience with hiccups in the trip. I still felt like I needed to stay on guard & ready for issues. I still wanted to tell the woman in line in front of us at the amusement park to just shut her loud, obnoxious mouth before I got a headache. </p><p> </p><p>I feel like my brain needs a reboot or something to kick start my positive thinking again. Even with breaks and a support system, I still have a bad attitude most of the time. I still have trouble finding the bright spot in much of anything. I mean, I see good stuff, but I still feel grumpy regardless. I may not let it show to others often, but it's right there - just under the surface.</p><p> </p><p>Yesterday, for example, I got aggravated with the kids. We've all been working on the new house for the last couple of weeks. There's rubble everywhere from tearing down the old walls to rewire. The boys were all playing around and having fun while cleaning up the rubble piles. They weren't really doing anything wrong, just going slow & playing while they worked. For some reason, it just struck me the wrong way & I snapped at everyone to knock off the horsing around, there was too much work to get done for them to play around. difficult child 3 and a friend of his that had come to help both looked at me like I had turned into a monster. Like I had completely lost my mind & they didn't understand. I felt so bad. I didn't mean to snap at everyone, but I did. They were just having fun & I snapped at them for not working fast enough. (They were draggin' tail, but they were still working.) </p><p> </p><p>I really need to readjust my attitude so I'm not always feeling so bitter and nasty towards everything and everyone. Taking breaks and doing positive stuff with the kids really doesn't seem to be doing the trick any more. I just can't seem to shake feeling so bitter. I'm worried that if I keep letting things get to me, I'll have an even harder time biting my tongue when the grumpies threaten to take over & I'll wind up snapping at everyone alot more.</p><p> </p><p>I dunno. Maybe I do need to talk to difficult child 2's psychiatrist about medications for me. I just worry about trialing medications on me. There are so many medications I can't take because they either tear up my stomach or I'm allergic to them. Heck, I can't even take the mild pain killers the dentist rxed after my dental surgery last year. Even most over-the-counter stuff (for colds, headaches, etc.) makes me nauseous, makes my heart race, or breaks me out in hives. The idea of trying anything right now just scares the beejeebers out of me. I don't have the time or patience to go through the kind of medication experiments & side effect issues difficult child 2 has gone through just so I don't feel quite so irritable & bitter all the time. </p><p> </p><p>I keep hoping that maybe the new house will give me a new lease on life kind of feeling. A fresh start for all of us. Maybe we can leave some of the bad memories behind and work on making new, positive memories. Maybe then I'll have a better attitude towards life in general. I hope so. I sure don't like the person I'm becoming.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 197082, member: 4560"] Thanks guys for responding. I do get to get away every now & then. We have friends and family locally who will split the kids up and take them overnight now & then so I can get away. (boyfriend and I just recently went to Cherokee, NC for the weekend while the kids stayed with friends and family.) Periodically, I'll take difficult child 2 and spend the night at boyfriend's house. He has a house in 18 acres. Plenty of room & woods for difficult child 2 to roam on the 4 wheeler, or play a game of pool with boyfriend and I, or go fishing at the pond. We do that once about every week to 10 days. It gives the kids a break from each other and me a break from the constant battles. (Not to mention getting a little down time with my sweetie after difficult child 2 goes to bed!) Since difficult child 1 (16) and difficult child 3 (soon to be 14) are both responsible in terms of taking care of themselves (cooking, cleaning up, taking care of emergencies, etc.) I'm okay with letting them spend the night by themselves once in awhile. (Not to mention, they appreciate having an entire 24 hours of no difficult child 2.) Our next door neighbors check in on them several times while I'm gone, so it works well for us. (Although I'm sure DFCS would make something of it, seeing as how the officers once told me that I couldn't let my 16 year old stay home alone while I spent half the night waiting to get difficult child 2 admitted to the psychiatric hospital. Like I'm supposed to find a sitter for a 16 year old! Please!!) I do get a break from time to time - even if the "system" would frown on how we do it. They aren't the ones here dealing with the difficult child battle royale, nor are they doing anything to help, so they can just bite me on that one. lol. (Besides, if difficult child 1 can't manage our house for a night, how in the world is she going to manage a child of her own??) My problem is that the negativity and nastiness I feel towards the world in general is even permeating my down time. Even when we got to get away for the entire weekend, I still couldn't shake the "meanie" thinking. I had less patience with hiccups in the trip. I still felt like I needed to stay on guard & ready for issues. I still wanted to tell the woman in line in front of us at the amusement park to just shut her loud, obnoxious mouth before I got a headache. I feel like my brain needs a reboot or something to kick start my positive thinking again. Even with breaks and a support system, I still have a bad attitude most of the time. I still have trouble finding the bright spot in much of anything. I mean, I see good stuff, but I still feel grumpy regardless. I may not let it show to others often, but it's right there - just under the surface. Yesterday, for example, I got aggravated with the kids. We've all been working on the new house for the last couple of weeks. There's rubble everywhere from tearing down the old walls to rewire. The boys were all playing around and having fun while cleaning up the rubble piles. They weren't really doing anything wrong, just going slow & playing while they worked. For some reason, it just struck me the wrong way & I snapped at everyone to knock off the horsing around, there was too much work to get done for them to play around. difficult child 3 and a friend of his that had come to help both looked at me like I had turned into a monster. Like I had completely lost my mind & they didn't understand. I felt so bad. I didn't mean to snap at everyone, but I did. They were just having fun & I snapped at them for not working fast enough. (They were draggin' tail, but they were still working.) I really need to readjust my attitude so I'm not always feeling so bitter and nasty towards everything and everyone. Taking breaks and doing positive stuff with the kids really doesn't seem to be doing the trick any more. I just can't seem to shake feeling so bitter. I'm worried that if I keep letting things get to me, I'll have an even harder time biting my tongue when the grumpies threaten to take over & I'll wind up snapping at everyone alot more. I dunno. Maybe I do need to talk to difficult child 2's psychiatrist about medications for me. I just worry about trialing medications on me. There are so many medications I can't take because they either tear up my stomach or I'm allergic to them. Heck, I can't even take the mild pain killers the dentist rxed after my dental surgery last year. Even most over-the-counter stuff (for colds, headaches, etc.) makes me nauseous, makes my heart race, or breaks me out in hives. The idea of trying anything right now just scares the beejeebers out of me. I don't have the time or patience to go through the kind of medication experiments & side effect issues difficult child 2 has gone through just so I don't feel quite so irritable & bitter all the time. I keep hoping that maybe the new house will give me a new lease on life kind of feeling. A fresh start for all of us. Maybe we can leave some of the bad memories behind and work on making new, positive memories. Maybe then I'll have a better attitude towards life in general. I hope so. I sure don't like the person I'm becoming. [/QUOTE]
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