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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 197309" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's difficult to know where to start.</p><p></p><p>A big part of the problem, is you are doing this on your own. You have nobody else to pick up the slack and give you the time you need (even five minutes) to go take a deep breath.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, I relate to the "activist" side too. When I get cranky, I get busy and take action. However, I don't fight every battle. Maybe that is part of why I can switch off.</p><p></p><p>It's important, to be an effective advocate, to not be fighting too many battles at once. If taking up a new cause means dropping something halfway through, then you need to think hard. If the one you would have to drop is going nowhere anyhow, then you should have already dropped it. Don't use the new cause as an excuse. If you're never finishing a campaign successfully, this will begin to be your pattern and will prevent you from finishing in the future. </p><p></p><p>It's also best to fight battles which are likely to be relevant to your own situation. For example, if you are currently working on getting some action on a schooling issue for your kids, and a neighbour drops in to talk to you about the outrageous behaviour of a new team of developers who are eyeing off the local playground, you need to consider carefully before agreeing to spearhead the "save the playground" campaign. Sometimes you can be quietly involved from the rear, doing a little bit for a one-off task (such as designing a poster to advertise a protest meeting and helping stick the poster up on the local noticeboard). But to take it on when you already are fighting more personal battles is going to divide your loyalties and drain your energies.</p><p></p><p>A good rule of thumb - if someone comes to you hoping to get your dander up sufficiently so you will take on another cause, then first ask why THEY aren't taking on the cause themselves. Sometimes a person will get you riled up and taking action, only to find that nobody else cares enough to properly back you up. That is when you can REALLY find yourself getting exhausted and drained by a thankless task.</p><p></p><p>In other words, learn to say no. That way, when you DO choose to go for the jugular, your aim will be fast and accurate. And with the throat of a problem well and truly ripped out, the job done, you can sit back and know you have one more success under your belt.</p><p></p><p>When it looks like you are going to need to put on your steel-capped boots, again think about it. How important is it? How useful will a good result be? How likely are you to get a good result? How long will it take? How much work is involved?</p><p></p><p>Sometimes you might take on a cause knowing your chance of success is minimal, but it will still be a useful start for the next activist to build on. You still need to think and plan.</p><p></p><p>A good activist/advocate won't react at every little thing. If you do, you will get nowhere because your energies will be too divided. This will actually make things worse for you - you will be exhausted, you will be very frustrated, and the biggest problem - nothing will be achieved, despite your expense of a great deal of effort.</p><p></p><p>For example: you're waiting interminably in the queue to make a simple enquiry. In front of you in the queue is a person who can't keep their papers straight, who seems inclined to discuss the weather, who is in no hurry. Or maybe the person in front of you has asked a particularly complex question which has required calling a supervisor, who has then called another supervisor. You, in your place back in the queue, can see the frustration growing on the faces of all the others in the queue. Behind you is a woman with her grandchild, who is getting fractious. A girl on crutches is behind her - both are standing, both are tired. To sit down would be to lose your place in the queue. Clearly the way the place is organised, is grossly inefficient. By the time you get to the front of the queue, you are angry enough to loudly tell this to the person at the counter.</p><p>That is not good.</p><p></p><p>A better option - by the time you get to the front of the queue you notice how frustrated the person at the counter is also. You quickly ask, "I need to direct a letter to your supervisor, I have a few questions I'd like to put in writing. Could you quickly give me the correct name and contact method?"</p><p>Then you go home and draft your letter, making sure you include CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions for streamlining the front desk activities and increasing the efficiency without making it more onerous. You can describe your frustration but don't overdo it. Instead, you present evidence as well as ideas, keep your letter concerned but not offensive or aggressive in any way. Aim your letter to be firm, helpful and make it clear you require a response because you do not want to have to go through a repeat of this unpleasant experience. Keep your letter to less than a page, maybe sleep on it overnight, read through it in the morning, then send it off. </p><p></p><p>Once a letter is sent off you put it away in your mind unless the campaign requires further action.</p><p></p><p>You also have to keep your hats separate. Your activist hat should NEVER be worn in the presence of your kids. Before you turn to deal with your kids you take the hat off and take a big, deep breath before you put on your parenting hat. Look on the kids as your break from the stupidity of bureaucracy. If you're worrying about a task you've taken on and it's interfering with how you are relating to the kids (or to someone else) and they really don't deserve it, then take yourself off to a quiet corner for a few minutes, do some deep breathing. Maybe if you can write down the thoughts tat are worrying you - maybe it's another argument you want to remember to use in your next letter. Then take that deep breath again and go back to the kids, with a smile on your face.</p><p></p><p>If you can't do this well at the moment, you're feeling too frustrated. And this frustration could be due to:</p><p></p><p>1) inability to detach. This can be due to your perceived failure to effect change. It can be also due to having too many issues in the "in" tray. Or it can be due to too many failures.</p><p></p><p>2) feeling depressed, fed-up, helpless. This can be due to repeated failure to bring about change. You could be biting off more than you can chew, expecting too much too soon. Or expecting to make ANY change in a large bureaucracy. You need to re-evaluate your battles and maybe learn to not take on any battle you aren't certain of winning quickly. Put your advocate L plates back on and don't take on any battles at all, just assess. Delegate, instead.</p><p></p><p>Also consider seeing your doctor and discussing your feelings - there could also be a medical reason which needs to be considered.</p><p></p><p>It's easy to get angry about stuff. But the wrong sort of anger can slow down your effectiveness at getting things done. If you get angry in a way that loses your cool head, you can lose perspective also. You can become too impulsive and lose sight of the spectrum of issues. You need to be able to see your opponent's point of view in order to be able to circumvent it. If all you can do is see your own viewpoint and you can't anticipate how anyone could think otherwise - then you are angry in the wrong way and will not be able to achieve anything useful today.</p><p></p><p>The right sort of anger often isn't anger at all. It's energy, directed intensely. A strong sense of purpose. Use it. While you're feeling energised, draft your letter. Make your phone call. Make sure you take good notes. After each phone call, complete your minutes of that call. Begin drafting any letter you have promised/threatened. Make sure you get the names of any person you speak to, note the time of the call, the name of the organisation, their phone number, what was said. By you, as well as the other person.</p><p></p><p>Follow through. If it's a big enough issue to have you wanting to keep chasing people until you get answers, then make sure you do so. Keep your promises, even if they're only to yourself.</p><p></p><p>If you find yourself getting fired up on one day, but running out of steam the next - learn to say no to yourself for a while. It's better to not take something on, than to take it on and drop it. I know I've already said this, but it is important enough to keep saying it.</p><p></p><p>When you have a success, especially if you did it without being too snaky, then you can feel pleased with yourself. it also increases your chance of succeeding next time.</p><p></p><p>But remember - the bulk of this stuff, you're doing FOR your kids. If it makes you too touchy about their behaviour, then stop. It's better to be downtrodden by authorities but on good terms with your kids, than to be fighting everybody.</p><p></p><p>I'd like to stick around and go through my answer more carefully before I post, but it's right on midnight and I have a big day ahead, I need my sleep. I have to prioritise too!</p><p></p><p>I know I may have not quite got you right - please be aware, any examples I give are purely examples, I'm not saying that this way or that way is how you do things. Just saying that it's how SOMe people do, and it causes problems for them. When I have more time to consider, I'd like to go through this in maybe more specific detail.</p><p></p><p>Keep cool - breathe!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 197309, member: 1991"] It's difficult to know where to start. A big part of the problem, is you are doing this on your own. You have nobody else to pick up the slack and give you the time you need (even five minutes) to go take a deep breath. Otherwise, I relate to the "activist" side too. When I get cranky, I get busy and take action. However, I don't fight every battle. Maybe that is part of why I can switch off. It's important, to be an effective advocate, to not be fighting too many battles at once. If taking up a new cause means dropping something halfway through, then you need to think hard. If the one you would have to drop is going nowhere anyhow, then you should have already dropped it. Don't use the new cause as an excuse. If you're never finishing a campaign successfully, this will begin to be your pattern and will prevent you from finishing in the future. It's also best to fight battles which are likely to be relevant to your own situation. For example, if you are currently working on getting some action on a schooling issue for your kids, and a neighbour drops in to talk to you about the outrageous behaviour of a new team of developers who are eyeing off the local playground, you need to consider carefully before agreeing to spearhead the "save the playground" campaign. Sometimes you can be quietly involved from the rear, doing a little bit for a one-off task (such as designing a poster to advertise a protest meeting and helping stick the poster up on the local noticeboard). But to take it on when you already are fighting more personal battles is going to divide your loyalties and drain your energies. A good rule of thumb - if someone comes to you hoping to get your dander up sufficiently so you will take on another cause, then first ask why THEY aren't taking on the cause themselves. Sometimes a person will get you riled up and taking action, only to find that nobody else cares enough to properly back you up. That is when you can REALLY find yourself getting exhausted and drained by a thankless task. In other words, learn to say no. That way, when you DO choose to go for the jugular, your aim will be fast and accurate. And with the throat of a problem well and truly ripped out, the job done, you can sit back and know you have one more success under your belt. When it looks like you are going to need to put on your steel-capped boots, again think about it. How important is it? How useful will a good result be? How likely are you to get a good result? How long will it take? How much work is involved? Sometimes you might take on a cause knowing your chance of success is minimal, but it will still be a useful start for the next activist to build on. You still need to think and plan. A good activist/advocate won't react at every little thing. If you do, you will get nowhere because your energies will be too divided. This will actually make things worse for you - you will be exhausted, you will be very frustrated, and the biggest problem - nothing will be achieved, despite your expense of a great deal of effort. For example: you're waiting interminably in the queue to make a simple enquiry. In front of you in the queue is a person who can't keep their papers straight, who seems inclined to discuss the weather, who is in no hurry. Or maybe the person in front of you has asked a particularly complex question which has required calling a supervisor, who has then called another supervisor. You, in your place back in the queue, can see the frustration growing on the faces of all the others in the queue. Behind you is a woman with her grandchild, who is getting fractious. A girl on crutches is behind her - both are standing, both are tired. To sit down would be to lose your place in the queue. Clearly the way the place is organised, is grossly inefficient. By the time you get to the front of the queue, you are angry enough to loudly tell this to the person at the counter. That is not good. A better option - by the time you get to the front of the queue you notice how frustrated the person at the counter is also. You quickly ask, "I need to direct a letter to your supervisor, I have a few questions I'd like to put in writing. Could you quickly give me the correct name and contact method?" Then you go home and draft your letter, making sure you include CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions for streamlining the front desk activities and increasing the efficiency without making it more onerous. You can describe your frustration but don't overdo it. Instead, you present evidence as well as ideas, keep your letter concerned but not offensive or aggressive in any way. Aim your letter to be firm, helpful and make it clear you require a response because you do not want to have to go through a repeat of this unpleasant experience. Keep your letter to less than a page, maybe sleep on it overnight, read through it in the morning, then send it off. Once a letter is sent off you put it away in your mind unless the campaign requires further action. You also have to keep your hats separate. Your activist hat should NEVER be worn in the presence of your kids. Before you turn to deal with your kids you take the hat off and take a big, deep breath before you put on your parenting hat. Look on the kids as your break from the stupidity of bureaucracy. If you're worrying about a task you've taken on and it's interfering with how you are relating to the kids (or to someone else) and they really don't deserve it, then take yourself off to a quiet corner for a few minutes, do some deep breathing. Maybe if you can write down the thoughts tat are worrying you - maybe it's another argument you want to remember to use in your next letter. Then take that deep breath again and go back to the kids, with a smile on your face. If you can't do this well at the moment, you're feeling too frustrated. And this frustration could be due to: 1) inability to detach. This can be due to your perceived failure to effect change. It can be also due to having too many issues in the "in" tray. Or it can be due to too many failures. 2) feeling depressed, fed-up, helpless. This can be due to repeated failure to bring about change. You could be biting off more than you can chew, expecting too much too soon. Or expecting to make ANY change in a large bureaucracy. You need to re-evaluate your battles and maybe learn to not take on any battle you aren't certain of winning quickly. Put your advocate L plates back on and don't take on any battles at all, just assess. Delegate, instead. Also consider seeing your doctor and discussing your feelings - there could also be a medical reason which needs to be considered. It's easy to get angry about stuff. But the wrong sort of anger can slow down your effectiveness at getting things done. If you get angry in a way that loses your cool head, you can lose perspective also. You can become too impulsive and lose sight of the spectrum of issues. You need to be able to see your opponent's point of view in order to be able to circumvent it. If all you can do is see your own viewpoint and you can't anticipate how anyone could think otherwise - then you are angry in the wrong way and will not be able to achieve anything useful today. The right sort of anger often isn't anger at all. It's energy, directed intensely. A strong sense of purpose. Use it. While you're feeling energised, draft your letter. Make your phone call. Make sure you take good notes. After each phone call, complete your minutes of that call. Begin drafting any letter you have promised/threatened. Make sure you get the names of any person you speak to, note the time of the call, the name of the organisation, their phone number, what was said. By you, as well as the other person. Follow through. If it's a big enough issue to have you wanting to keep chasing people until you get answers, then make sure you do so. Keep your promises, even if they're only to yourself. If you find yourself getting fired up on one day, but running out of steam the next - learn to say no to yourself for a while. It's better to not take something on, than to take it on and drop it. I know I've already said this, but it is important enough to keep saying it. When you have a success, especially if you did it without being too snaky, then you can feel pleased with yourself. it also increases your chance of succeeding next time. But remember - the bulk of this stuff, you're doing FOR your kids. If it makes you too touchy about their behaviour, then stop. It's better to be downtrodden by authorities but on good terms with your kids, than to be fighting everybody. I'd like to stick around and go through my answer more carefully before I post, but it's right on midnight and I have a big day ahead, I need my sleep. I have to prioritise too! I know I may have not quite got you right - please be aware, any examples I give are purely examples, I'm not saying that this way or that way is how you do things. Just saying that it's how SOMe people do, and it causes problems for them. When I have more time to consider, I'd like to go through this in maybe more specific detail. Keep cool - breathe! Marg [/QUOTE]
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