Not coping well, missing my difficult child and heartsick that he doesn't care.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Signorina, Oct 23, 2011.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Not a good week. No news to report and that's my problem.

    He called about 2-1/2 weeks ago after he spoke to my brother. My brother has been staying in sporadic touch w him and urged him to call me. And he did. It was really nice to hear his voice. We had a light 40 minute conversation-it was pleasant-we touched briefly on his classes and his job but didn't get too deep. I asked him if he was coming home for T Giving and he seemed surprised I asked & said yes. I asked him if he was planning to stay here and he answered yes. Which was a relief. I reminded him that he needed to follow up with his eye dr for his 1 year appointment and told him I would send him the copay. ( he almost lost the sight in 1 eye last year due to injury) As the call wound down, I asked him if he would call me again and he said yes, I asked when? He said a week. I felt a great sense of peace that he seemed ok. Maybe not too far lost. I sent the copay check that day and a few days later I put together a care pkg of staples & sent it to him with a short note-hope you enjoy this, love mom. No treats or home baked goodies-just a few basics like vitamins, pb, oatmeal, tuna. The week went by w no call. He sent a text when he got the pkg with a short "thanks for the package mom" Like a fool, I sent back a text stating-"glad you got it. I miss you & hate the distance btwn us. I love you". I never heard back from him.

    By Wed, it was 2 weeks since the phone call, 5 days since I sent the text. By Thursday I was losing it. Just crying. His girlfriend is posting on fb about the house they rented for next year, about how much she was looking forward to seeing her parents for parents weekend etc. (and my sister in law is give her positive comments about all of it which is a whole other story) I think part of me hoped difficult child would ask us to come up for parents weekend. Stupid, I know.

    I am ashamed to admit that pc14 saw me crying on Thursday eve & asked why. I told him that I was missing difficult child and that I hadn't heard from him. About 20 minutes later, difficult child sent me a text. "Goodnight Mom, have a good weekend." I replied "Goodnight, I love you", he replied "I love you too." Yes, pc14 sent difficult child a text stating "please get on touch with mom-she needs to hear from you." Pathetic and not healthy for a 14 yo to feel the need to intervene.

    You all post about your difficult children wanting back in your lives and your homes. My difficult child just wants OUT and he hasn't looked back. We were so close and I can't believe he walked away so easily. It's been 2 months since I've seen him, I've only spoken to him twice in that time. He hasn't initiated any communication on his own. I've tried to leave the door open a bit as to not estrange him completely and give him a way back in but he doesn't care. He is having a ball. His girlfriend and likely her parents are enabling him. It's parents weekend and we're not there. I miss my son. The bright eyed, loving 18 yo who started uni last year w big plans and a bright future (and who txtd his mom every night) is gone. This hurts way too much.

    My h is getting fed up w my sadness. My f'ing sister in law (my others brother's wife) has decided to become my difficult children girlfriend's biggest fan on FB despite me begging her to cool it and let things lie.(and I have no idea why my 50 yo sister in law is her fb friend. They've met 4 or 5 times) I want to SCREAM. I just want my happy family back.

    I do have a therapist appointment on Monday-my first. I made it two weeks ago thinking that my emotions had calmed down enough so that the session could be about parenting strategy. I am seeing the therapist who treated difficult child as a 16 yo. Boy is Dr. M in for a surprise-I am a basket case.

    Sorry this is so long . It's now 5 am and these thoughts have kept me awake since 3:00
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    First of all hugs. I think even under normal circumstances it is hard for us moms to let our children go. I was talking to my husband the other day saying I wish my son would call and he commented that he didn't call him mom much when he was that age. It struck me when I thought about it, I didn't think about my parents all that much when I was that age either. I talked to my mom fairly often but it was because I wanted something from her, not because I was thinking about her! I just think part of the normal separation form your parents, is moving on and not thinking about them much. It is hard for us mothers because of course we think abou tthem all the time.

    OK So I understand this is not a "normal" situation..... but i am confident from what you have said that eventually your son will be in touch with you, will connect with you. This is not a forever thing. You are keeping the door open which is good. My guess is that since he is not contacting you things are going well... if he gets in trouble or really needs something my guess is he will call you.

    At least that is how it was with my son. He didn't call us at first when we kicked him out, but he called when he was arrested. We kept the door open, and when he kept getting in trouble he called us. Yesterday was the first time in 3 weeks that he called.... but it was also the first time he called without asking us for something!!!

    The fact that your son called and had a conversation with you for 40 minutes is amazing. The fact that he sent you a text when his brother said he needed to is huge. This doesn't sound like a kid who is super angry, never going to speak to you again.... this is a kid who is trying to build his own life and is needing to separate from his parents.

    So trust the relationship you had in the past... and enjoy your life with your 14 year old for now. Continue to keep the door open here and there without overdoing it. Let him know you care now and then (no more than once a week probably).

    Hugs ... it is hard.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, it's not true that all difficult child's want back in our adopted son (who we got at age six) walked out and never looked back and his wife doesn't help. I did learn to just let him go because that was what he wanted and I have a life too and a hub and other kids who DO need and want me in their lives.

    Your difficult child may very well come back one day, but my guess is because he isn't doing that now, he is still involved in the very things that you disapprove of. His girlfriend is probably not helping, but obsessing over him is pointless. It's easy to do, but it doesn't solve anything except for making you very sad and unhelpful to your other child and others in your life who WANT to be there. Also...and this is touchy...I believe that the more they know they can hurt us, the more they will try.

    I thought I was close to my son too. In fact, we WERE close until he met his wife. It will never be the same...I don't even know if I want him in my life anymore, even if he came back, because he has changed so much and is so vile and controlling and, yes, deliberately mean.

    In your case, I would take one day at a time and think about your son who cares so much about you that he texted your difficult child to please get in touch with you. Think of how much HE loves you and needs you to be in good spirits and emotional help\th for him. Think about all other people in your life who value you dearly. Live in the moment (this helps me) and don't think about twenty years from now and how maybe he wont' contact you by then. You have no way of predicting the future. Either way it turns out, you can't control it.

    (((Hugs))). Since I've been there, I know how it is. Until I got that lightbulb moment that this difficult child isn't the nice boy I raised anymore, I was sort of stuck. It is a big relief to finally move on.

    Please keep us posted because we care.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Shifting those gears from how we took care of them as kids ect can be one of the toughest things for a parent to do even if it's a easy child. But it's one we have to do, otherwise we risk smothering them. Odds are difficult child is enjoying his new adult freedom. He probably isn't thinking a whole lot on Oh, I need to check in with Mom, because as an adult? he really doesn't need to check in with Mom.....although it would be considerate if he did so from time to time.

    When Travis went off to college I worried sick for various reasons, his disabilities were the major cause. Did I call him all the time? No. Did I want to? Oh heck yeah. He didn't contact me hardly at all during that year. (we talked more when he came home for holidays) When he did contact me they were short but nice conversations. I didn't push it because one of his goals for that year was independent living.

    My girls when they moved out were the opposite........I saw them more once they left than I ever did while they were home. lol (girls are different usually)

    That your difficult child called you a couple of weeks ago to talk is a good sign. That he called because easy child contacted him telling him you needed to hear from him is also a good sign. If he didn't care about you, trust me, you wouldn't have gotten that call.

    If you two were really close before, odds are you'll be somewhat close again in the future. The adjective changed because males do tend to hang around their girlfriend's or wives families more than their own.....mostly because the girlfriend / wife does.

    Try not to let it get to you. Give him some real time to miss you. And while you do, find something new to interest you and help you shift those gears. Pick up an old hobby or find a new one ect.

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry your heart is hurting so much. I agree that sons just don't call their moms very much. When my husband was in college he never called home and he loved his family very much. I know this is a completely different situation but he is being respectful to you when he does talk to you and he is planning on coming home for Thanksgiving so he is not distancing himself completely.

    I know what you mean about wanting your happy family back. I went through that a few years ago but as I found out that was never to be the same again. So I had to make new family times. In all honesty our difficult child would not call here unless she needed something. We do what we ca to keep the door open so she feels comfortable enough to come to us when she needs to but she wants to live her life with no intereference from us.

    If you are like me it's hard for you to give up control and when you don't hear from him you feel out of control. Trust in that silence. Sometimes no news is good news. Focus on your easy child and make special times with him. The last few years have been really difficult for me with all the problems we had with difficult child, but what I cherish most now is the peace and calm in the house. Holidays were awful so plan now to do something to make them special, different, and don't focus on what was before. I'm glad you are seeing the therapist. You can get through this, you have to because the next time he needs you you need to be strong. You have not heard the last from him. Stay positive and let him know you want him in yourlife in whatever terms he wants. Eventually he will come around I believe.

  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    The thing that's getting to me is that I know he doesn't (didn't) have the money to pay his tuition and his rent. He had about 2k in earnings from his summer job which he used to pay 1/2 his tuition. The 2nd half is due tomorrow. Plus he had to pay 2 months rent in September & October ($650) plus regular rent in November & December. Then add in utilities and food and books. I know he didn't get a student loan. He's working pt at Jimmy Johns for min wage which doesn't cut it. I know he isn't paying his way legitimately. And I don't know what's worse- his drug use or drug dealing to enable it. He has to be getting desperate for money ... Or worse -he HAS the money from illegal activity. And I am just sick over it.

    (We cut him off after he purchased a lg qty of marjuana paraphernalia including a scale-less than a week before school started)
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs, S. I'm sorry you're feeling so distraught. I'm sure there's a lot more to the story than I'm aware of, but I don't see you as losing your son. Rather, I just see it as him exploring this next stage of his life, independent of you and H.

    When my easy child went off to college, I felt so much of what you describe! As if she moved out and away and never looked back! No calls, no texts, no contact-until she needed something. I remember feeling like she was being so cold and mean, as if she was just waiting for the opportunity to flee our home (which would have been understandable, actually!). Eventually, as we both adapted to this new stage in both of our lives, me accepting her as an individual with her own set of beliefs, and she of me in my newer role as not so much mommy, we developed a 'different' relationship.

    I think you need to find healthy ways of coping and filling your life so you are not expending so much time thinking of this transition as a great loss. It's a change, it doesn't have to be a loss. Stay in touch, just as you're doing, but don't get clingy. Figure out a balance that keeps the lines of communication open. And try not to think of this change as a loss, but instead as a development. Just as he is growing into his own person, you are growing in new ways of understanding him as an adult. Try not to worry about sister in law getting into the mix-you have no control over her or the friendship anyway.

    Lastly, there is NOTHING wrong or inappropriate about your 14y/o reaching out to his brother on your behalf. That is what family does for one another. At 14, it's totally appropriate for your son to experience empathy for his mom when she's hurting, I would not try to discourage that as it is a healthy reaction.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand completely. When difficult child was on the street and working in a strip club and stealing clothes and food from everywhere she could I was sick. I couldn't eat or sleep. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is awful. His girlfriend and her parents are closing their eyes to his illegal activity, just as this guy she was living with and his parents were. When she finally hit bottom they were nowhere to be found and the same will be for him. But for now you need to take care of yourself because you know you have not heard the last from him. You can't change him, only he can do that. And he won't do it until the pain gets too bad.

  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Thanks everyone. I was really looking forward to him going back to school. I think we ignored the red flags over the summer because initially we were just trying to get him back to school (grin & bear it, only 4 more weeks...3...) the drug paraphernalia was the last screaming red flag-too bright to ignore. As I mentioned initially, it never dawned on us that he would flee & go back to school when we told him we would not pay his tuition & living expenses knowing he would be using drugs.

    This is his 2nd year. I was ok his 1st year. I missed him sometimes, but we were in regular contact. I had a text from him usually every day & he kept in touch with- h & his brothers too. I really looked forward to an emptier nest. I think I was doing ok for a while because it felt normal for him to be gone. Until parents weekend -now the lack of contact is beyond my comfort zone. Just something new to get used to...
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    If he is doing illegal stuff to get his tuition it will probably catch up to him eventually. The thing is you do not have any control over him at this age. I know it is hard but you need to take your focus off of him an put it on his younger sibs, yourself and your husband. Some of the behavior, well heck all of it except the drug stuff, is normal for a young man of this age. I am glad you are getting help for yourself. I think as parents of difficult child's we all need it from time to time. -RM
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I am so sorry for your pain and his too. I have no wisdom of course, not in your shoes at all except I do understand pain and parenting difficult child's a little so sending you my love and support!
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey, sorry i didnt get to this before now. I realize that your son left home under less than ideal circumstances but he is actually acting as if he is a fairly normal young adult who has just left home. If you hadnt found what you found, you wouldnt be so upset. Since there is nothing at all you can do about that, put it out of your mind. You decided to not fund his education and he appears to be handling it on his own, play ostrich. He is relatively respectful when he calls or texts you so be happy with that.

    When my middle son left home for the Marines he called us every single day that he could. Well after boot camp because they cant use the phone during that. But when he was finally at his first station and he had his cell phone, he called us religiously every single day because he was lonely and he missed home so much. We could count on those phone calls. But over time they became less and less. He made friends....he got married. She took up his time. Now he calls when he is bored while at

    Cory has moved out and he calls a lot. I can count on getting phone calls at least every other day or so. If I go more than a few days I ask his dad if he has heard from him. If no, we call to make sure all is well. It always is. He is just starting to break away. Its time.

    Years ago kids just left the nest at 18 and really didnt look back. They called home once in a while and thought about their family's around holidays.

    There is a good quote I have heard and it really applies I have found out. "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. A son is a son till he takes a wife." So true.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Dear S -

    I'm so very proud of you for making and keeping that T doctor appointment. I will be keeping you in my thougths tomorrow that your journey to find the underlying reasons for why you are feeling so strongly about the events in your life, and hopefully will work hard to get to the core answers for the peace you desperately need. Racing thoughts, sleepless nights, constant negative projection of what if he.......where is he, how is he, how could he, when will he - are all things that you need to work on turning off in your own mind so you can breath, relax and see the forest for the tree; so to speak. Being hyperfocused especially when it's about things we can no longer control? Tends to make us nuts. Our brains even work while we're sleeping to try and maniuplate and figure out ways to gain that control back - in essence we get no sleep even when we are sleeping because even our REM sleep is being disturbed by thoughts that need to be literally evacuated from our minds and we just don't know how to do it. That's where the professional comes in - and trust - there will be a long time of knowing this person and talking to them, before you really get to the crux of what is actually bothering you.

    I say this because a lot of times what WE think on the surface seems so black and white - My son is not living the good life we planned out for him, he's throwing his chances away, I know what will become of his life if he doesn't do what I planned for him and I must work dilligently day and night to fix this somehow, someway - or else it will never ever be right and he won't be happy and I, I , me, me....and then the therapist steps in and says "Sometimes you have to realize that the death of a plan or the death of a dream is often harder than an actual death of a child." I mean it was said to me....and after having buried one? I thought he was absurd. But in a way? The child we buried - was gone. There was no more dreams, no more more I wishes....he was gone. Done. With the youngest difficult child I still had hope - and hope springs eternal and made me nuts. True I kept altering my levels of expectations.....I mean when HE was born - OH boy - A genius for sure, a veterinarian, maybe president. Did I ever tell you he talked at 7 months? Full sentences by age 1 year. Brilliant child. Could read, knew his colors, ABC - before he went to school like he should have skipped a grade. We were sure he was a prodigy. I saw scholarship written all over him. Then acting out, calls to the prinicpals office, suspensions....and slowly you start to realize...but not EVER admit.....Okay - let's get through grade school. Then let's get through Residential Treatment Center (RTC), middle school -----lets get out of the court mess, and jail.....and OMG will he ever graduate and get out of my house? Then when he was gone? I was a pit. I mean part of me was so glad for the tension to be gone...and the other part......cried a lot. Not much different than you at all. Really.

    I'd wait by the phone for a call. I'd check the email.....I'd casually look at the mail box....and cry myself to sleep - and I kept going to therapy. I learned things that were invaluable. It made my fiance crazy. In all the whirlwind? We buried another son......and life just was so quiet. I mean there I was......could not WAIT for my time alone in the house and it took me THREE move a single thing out of the boys' bedroom. It took him almost TWO call and talk to me on a regular basis. I sent nothing. He lived in the park....he was miserable.....he was hit by a city bus, by a car.....his own bio father tried to kill him twice....he was eating out of dumpsters.......Do you think this is stuff I needed to hear? No clothes, no home, filthy clothes? But the thing was.......HE was alive.....these were HIS choices because he COULD have LIVED AT OUR HOME ---the rules were much simpler here than in the park or the homeless shelter....or than paying for your own rent, utilities or having all your own stuff stolen and being beaten by your biodad....LOADS simpler...but stubborn boy? Nope - not doing those choices while breaking a Mothers heart? WERE HIS CHOICES.....TO MAKE......NOT MINE.....and what I had to learn in thearpy was WHY THEY BOTHERED ME SO MUCH...why I FELT THE NEED TO ALTER HIS LIFE and not keep my nose in MY LIFE......and mostly because I wasn't happy with my own life....and felt with his life ------I could see mistakes I made in mine and could fix his and NOTHING could be farther from the truth. I had SO MUCH fixing to do in MY took me 15 therapy. Some of that was due to being adopted, some was due to mistakes I made in picking an abusive husband (x) ..........some was due to twisted logic from that relationship....and when I finally figured out that deep down I was happy - and let it out? It made a world of difference.......A HUGE WORLD.......but it took....
    Having the courage to go to therapy even when I didn't want to ----even what IT HURT TO FACE THE STUFFED AWAY JUNK I DID NOT ABSOLUTELY WANT TO DEAL WITH......from my past.....looking at myself in the mirror and being truthful about me.......and not blaming my son....but taking responsibility for my shortcomings and fixing what I could and accepting the rest.....and asking for forgiveness of those I'd not realized I had hurt -but hurt.....and staying away from TOXIC things......even if they were my kid, best friends......adopted daughters and my grandkids.

    I mean.....we're not perfect. But figuring out when we had that first moment we lied to ourselves and said OH YES I AM......and watched our life snowball out of control down unhappy hill gathering speed and misery? Well - for me it was pretty much a life-long roll. Had no clue either. Ijust knew I wasn't happy - not really happy - and after I figured out WHO I was.......and WHAT made me happy? I felt free. With or without my sons approval and family's sad that we aren't all the Hallmark Christmas.......havent' seen him in three years........maybe someday. I have a little hope.......but he has little desire to come here - so not all of our kids want to be back home.....with Mom. For that? I'm kinda glad. To me it means I've done SOMETHING right - and at 21.....he should be on his own.

    I hope tomorrow goes well for you hon - I really do. I've been where you are, and do NOT envy you one minute of your battle - it's tough - but I'll tell you something I know for just the short time I've known you here - YOU ARE much MUCH tougher......and your willingness to come here, ask and help others? Tells me.....You'll make it big time. Just takes time. And right now? That's what you have a lot of.

    Many hugs and lots of love -
  14. zululady

    zululady New Member


    I am new to this site and feel for exactly what you are talking about. My son has been in trouble for the last 5 yrs. He is now 18,. Luckily we did not have to kick him out of the house, it was clear to him as well as us, they he could not live with our family values. He has associated with you people who have no parents and no responsibility to anyone, just living lawless lives. He has been in and out of detention and this year he did 3 months in Jail. He does not fit any diagnosis, he is very loving towards us, but mostly he takes no responsibility for his actions. It is NEVER his fault. He does not blame anything on my husband and I...says he loves each time he talks to us..but he throws every lifeline away. I feel awful when I talk to him and awful when I don't. I am trying very hard to give him space even though I know that where he is is not very good. They say, they have to hit the wall -see the light- or whatever. I would have though a few months in jail would have done it...but I don't think it has. Each time there is something positive for him in easy reach, he sabotages it. we never had issues with him until he hit about 12. He was a pretty easy going kid, intense but nothing much. He has now attached himself to a very negative world. It is great to find this forum because it is so easy to get into that space of feeling so alone watching your friend's and families' kids go off to college, get jobs etc. I always like to hear stories of people who have come through the other side...but owing ones stuff is the first step, I guess???

    what does difficult child mean?
    Would value any support or feedback..Zululady
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ZuluLady, welcome to the board. I would ask that you start a new thread so everyone can welcome you and you can get the support you need.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child is an acronym for Gift From God which is what we call our challenging children.


    I'm sure there is more to the story but from my point of view your difficult child is busy with college and his life and not giving you a second thought which is kind of normal. There may be an element that he is mad at you after you cut him off because of the drugs (which was the right thing to do) but that is normal, too. The fact that he does keep in touch at all and was surprised that you even questioned that he would be home for Thanksgiving seems like is wants to stay in your lives.

    When my easy child went to college we hardly ever heard from her. . . an occasional phone call or text and home for the holidays. Now that she has graduated and is teaching and living on her own, she calls, emails, and texts all of the time. We have started meeting her for dinner every Friday and then easy child and I go shopping (husband goes home because he hates to shop).

    We have a great time and the best relationship now. I think she needed the time away in college so she could grow up and become her own person. We never doubted that she loved us or wanted to be part of our family.

    Of course, easy child never had any drug issues so it is not the same thing but I do think that there is an element of just normal growing up involved. My advice would be to give your difficult child space, be willing to talk when he's ready, and find yourself new interests that keep you busy and fulfilled.

    Oh, and I would stay off Facebook. JMO . . .

  17. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Signorina, sono triste perché sei triste. Vi mando i miei migliori auguri e spero che il suo figlio tornerà un giorno.

    I'm assuming you speak Italian, given your board name.

    He's still so young, he may turn his life around and respect you and himself again. My difficult child 2 was heavily into drugs and bad friends, dropped out of HS. I thought he was going to die on the streets. He got his GED on his own, no urging from us. He recently got married in a rather formal ceremony to a young woman who keeps him on a tight leash, she has control of their money and he has to go through her to buy what he wants. He has a steady job in a company where he is valued. It may not be the job that we dreamed of for our son, but he HAS a job and some legal goals.

    Please don't feel bad about missing your son, you are a good and loving mom. Look how sweet your easy child was when he messaged his brother. You've raised him well!

    Abbracci, TreHombre!
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm happy that you are seeking support for yourself. Rarely mentioned on the Board is the distance that can come about when our focus is so on our difficult child's and we just "can't" be the spouse we used to be....or sometimes the Mom we should be to the other kids in the family. Our difficult child's become the center of our lives and when they are on their own it is frightening, lonely etc. as well as a relief. With your therapist I hope you will be able to reconnect with your husband and your son. Feel proud that he has contacted you and that he is planning to be part of the family for the holidays. You can not (believe me if it were possible many of us would have done it at any personal cost!) make his choices for him now. He is in the driver's seat and is learning how to be an independent adult. Feel happy that he did not just turn to the streets but instead pursued his academic goals. If you haven't tried it...try repeating the Serenity Prayer as many times a day as you need to for your peace of mind. It really helps. Hugs. DDD
  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I don't speak Italian!! I wish I did. I can understand a bit when it is spoken - but I can neither read nor write it. I wish I could. My dad was 1st generation (my mom 2nd) and grew up speaking Italian to the grandparents who raised him but he never spoke it with us. ThreeS , thank you so much for your vote of confidence.

    Zulu - welcome to the board, none of us *want* to be here, but it really is a welcome and soft place to land. I've learned so much in the 2 months I've been will find a great support network here.

    As far as FB - I am not ds's friend on FB - AFAIK, he has no fb page. I do not interact with DS's girlfriend, and was mighty chagrined to see my sister in law posting semi frequently on her wall. Even more-so when I politely asked her to cool the "friendship" a bit and she blew me off and actually posted on her wall again a few hours later. In fact, she just sent me a rather b!tchy email in response to my initial polite request. (Which I am ignoring.) I have no idea how this became about her all of a sudden but I probably shouldn't be surprised. She's a busybody.

    I won't stay away from FB - it's actually a source of joy in my life -- with the exception of sister in law - my friends are really my friends from past or present or my cousins, even a few aunts in their 70s!. And I love keeping in touch with them. No facebook drama until sister in law pulled this stunt. And no one one there knows anything about the drama or about difficult child's situation. Plus my "single forever" HS bff is getting married and I love keeping up with all of the details and happy posts! We are attending her big southern wedding in 6 weeks and I can't wait.

    As much as I would like to believe the cold war is growing pains and unrelated to his drug use/family break - it's not. We were always in regular contact - even over the summer when he was living at home and our relationship was a bit strained. He'd still text me a few times a day and often sent a good night text around 10pm. Our relationship was very warm and very close and I anticipated him pulling away eventually but this abrupt cut off is more than growing pains. Yes, I knew better than to think he would be in touch initially, but I expected a thaw by this point in time. And it's just the opposite. And no news is never good news with this kid. I'd love to think otherwise, but the phonecall was while he was preparing for mid terms which he said he would ace. (been there done that) Had he done well, he would've called. This kid's first drug of choice is (was?) praise and positive feedback. (if I am wrong and he aced them, I will happily eat my words) Since the day he was born, singing his own praises has been second nature to him. I think I freaked at 3am bc it was a Saturday night ( and the added emotion of parent's weekend.) Weekends are the danger zone and his college also has a history of dead drunk college boys "sleeping" at the bottom of the river. uggghhh.

    Star, I cringed when I read your screen name because I thought you were going to (rightfully) call me out from here to eternity! And you didn't. Thank you for your kind words and for understanding. And for reminding me that Moms can survive anything. You inspire me.

    To EVERYONE - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. As always, I am humbled by the kindness of virtual yet very true and real friends.

    I've spent enough time reading posts to know where this is heading with my difficult child. Anyone play pinball? You know that indented recess that catches the ball? I think it's called an "eject hole?" The ball goes in there and is held - racking up points - yet shimmering and vibrating - building velocity until it is forcibly ejected and you have to save it before it heads straight for the drain. That's where I am... I only hope if and when the call comes, it's girlfriend's voice at the other end of the phone line...

    We asked him to stay home, get help and go to school locally until he got back on his feet - never fathoming that he would leave. And when he left, I thought we'd have some progression after 2 months...nada. No known mental illness, no adoptive issues, no trauma or abuse or dysfunction. Just great schools, Church on Sundays, family dinners on the table 5 nights a week, a college fund, 2 brothers who adore him, 2 parents who love each other and their kids very much, we are NOWHERE near perfect parents nor a perfect family but certainly much better than our own parents, sure no ski vacations in Aspen but never a hungry tummy or the "wrong" logical explanation... I want to shake him sometimes...good thing that therapist appointment is only 16 hours away... GOOD GRIEF!
    (true but also a vent - an attempt at dark mockery of myself and my frustration)
    Lasted edited by : Oct 23, 2011
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am sure hoping for the best in your son's situation.

    With Care,
    ps...I am so sorry I did not post a response to you in my last thread. I accidentally overlooked it but so appreciate your care!