Not Even a Phone Call

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by NOLA, Aug 24, 2007.

  1. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    It’s been an entire week and not a phone call, text message or email – what is wrong with this kid? :grrr:The only reason I know he’s alive is by viewing myspace – not so much his page but others. I don’t mean to sound like “it’s all about me” and how dare he dis me like that – it’s just the horrid realization that he himself has it in him to be so cold and cruel to his parents. I rationalize by thinking maybe it’s the drugs, maybe it’s the fact that he stole the money and he’s too embarrassed to call, maybe it’s just so exciting to be on-the-run, or maybe he’s just a monster.

    I sleep about 4 hours a night, go to work like a zombie and am always on the verge of loosing it. husband is in his own world and we are zero comfort to each other. My daughter hasn’t said one word to me about the fact that her brother has run away. husband says it’s because she just doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t want t upset me. It’s difficult to talk about with others because they either think “how did you let it get THAT out of control” or “how can you sleep at night not knowing where your 16-year old is” or “how would they know who he is since he doesn’t have an ID” referring to the possibility of being found on the sidewalk passed out or worse. (the latter 2 were said to me yesterday)

    To add to the potpourri of events this week, my older sister who is schizophrenic and in overall poor physical health is off her medications and calling me – she is 12 years older so we have never been ‘close’ but I struggle with a tremendous amount of guilt. I can hardly deal with her when things are fine on my end, right now it is impossible.

    I am completely on board with the tough-love approach & finally understand the only way difficult child will change has to come from within but this is excruciating. How long am I supposed to wait? On the one hand, as long as I know he is “okay” a/k/a “alive” (via myspace, etc.) with his “responsible young adults capable of living on their own, as am I” that’s a quote from his nice 2-page letter he left, I am refusing to track him down like in the past. But as usual there is the other hand, the one that says “are you crazy? He’s 16 years old” – Which hand is best?
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I don't know which is best. My mommy heart feels for yours. I worry someday I'll be going through what you are now.

    My DHs ex updates her myspace daily, yet when she had rights to the boys couldn't pick up the phone, send a birthday card, anything. If your difficult child is using, between his GFGness and the drugs, he just isn't able to see what he's doing to you. I don't think it has sunk in with bio mom yet and her rights have been terminated.

    I'm sure your daughter is doing exactly as husband says. Girls recognize better when their family is hurt, but even at her age, she may not know if broaching or ignoring the subject is the best way to go. If you want to talk about it with her, bring it up. That may be all she needs to feel okay talking about it.

    I hold out hope that someday our difficult children see what we've done for them. My heart goes out to you.
  3. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Detach, Detach, Detach!!! I personally like many others here know how excruciating it can be. My difficult child was gone for about two months. Yes, I too checked her myspace. The only calls I got was within the last week that she was living on the streets when she decided that she wanted to come back home if I would let her. It was horrible because I would be driving her brother to school and every once in a while I would see her walking down the street when she was in our area but I never stopped, never waved, Just kept going as if I did not see her and I could tell she was ampted on drugs. God, It was awefull and heartwrenching but I stood strong and kept going. I am an avid believer in tough love and knew that it would not be wise to hunt her down nor try to grab her up and save her. I had already tried all that I could to get her the appropriate help but she was not a willing participant and we all know it takes a willing participant for any treatment to work at all and that still comes with no guarantees. She was in my thoughts 24/7 until the day that I realized that I could no longer allow her antics to take me over anymore. Just the stress alone can do damage to ones health and ability to function daily. Although difficult I finally mastered detaching and went on with life and waited for her to hit rock bottom. While waiting I contacted the local police dept to let them know that she was on the streets and also told them of her drug use and known places that she was hanging out at as well as the local park that she would sleep in at night. Yikes!!!. I guess it was my way of trying to speed up her rock bottom knowing that all of the police officers knew her (She was a police explorer gone bad). I was somewhat comforted with the fact that they knew she was out there and that they would be keeping an eye out for her.

    Just my opinion but I would avoid others that keep reminding you of the what ifs. Its not like you don't already have all of those fears in your head and you do not need to be constantly reminded. And you certainly don't need to feel guilt over anything that is beyond your control. I had others telling me "I can't believe you let your difficult child just walk out on ya" Well geeze what am I supposed to do, I suppose I could have tackled her to restrain her but in reality what would that solve, It would have just esculated things and its not like I could hand cuff her either although I would have liked to. I guess what I am trying to say is that you can not hold yourself personally responsible for your difficult children bad choices and don't let others tell you any different or put a guilt trip on you. You have to wonder why some people get so wrapped up in blaming others for somebody elses bad behavior or choices in life. Do they ever think that the person making the bad choices should be taking responsibilty for their own actions. Hmm, Just a thought. I am hoping that You and your husband can find some very much needed comfort. Your family is in my prayers.
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    please check out the potada site, there is some guilt relief there.

    be strong. it bugs the heck out of me when ant is down and out to me, and I read his myspace and he chooses a smiley emoticon saying his feelings are happy. ugh

    your son is choosing his own path. hard to watch so close your eyes for a while. really. what other choice do you have? hard to be their parents. unnaturally hard.
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    When my daughter leaves, she never calls or lets me know how she is unless she needs something. It is a hard thing to accept. It is even harder when I imagine her sick or hurt or dead and I have no way of knowing since she has yet to not lose her identification almost immediately. The last time, I didn't even have the option of MySpace because she had no computer access. That time was the absolute worst.

    I don't understand how anyone, let alone a child we've loved so much, can be so heartless but the reality is they just don't think about us when they're having their "fun." They know they're okay so we should, too. They know where they are and, more importantly, they know where we are, so there's no need to contact us. Isn't it nice to know we're so dependable?

    I do know your pain and fears. HUGS!
  6. judi

    judi Active Member

    I too am so sorry for you. Our son is older (22) and doesn't live with us, but we haven't heard from him in over a month...he never really liked computers so MySpace isn't an option. At any rate...I do sympathize for you.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your stress. I haven't experienced that problem so I
    can't relate personal experience. on the other hand, it sounds like you are
    really having a hard time coping and that it is interfering with
    your life big time.

    Just thought I would share that I went back on Lexapro this week
    for that very reason. I was not able to function well. I was
    crying. I was not efficient at work. There are many different
    medications that you can take to get you through the crisis period. I do not like taking medications but last year I finally called
    my MD and said "I need something." It was hugely helpful and after a few months I was able to resume life with-o an Rx. Once again, it is too much for me to cope with and I am already better

    Taking care of yourself if foremost. Good luck. DDD
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know this hurts but you need to realize he isn't doing this to you, he's doing it to himself. Drugs are an awful thing and you need to know it isn't you.
  9. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    My heart breaks reading your post. At only 16, it's got to be very hard to detach. My son began his running at 16 and then turned 17. At that point, I was also still in "hunt him down mode".

    I always feel like until they are 18, there is more parental control. Trust me, I realize whey they are drugging, there is very little to no control, but you get my drift. It was a matter of - do you want to live on the street, go to jail, or agree to go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Of course, by the time my son agreed, he had already been arrested, so he knew he had little choice.

    So, I do understand your feeling torn between detaching and the fact that he's only 16.

    Many hugs coming your way. I have been there.

  10. Ally

    Ally New Member

    I know how you are feeling, its the same thing that I have been dealing with for the past several years with my daughter. I waver between detaching and trying to save her. At the moment Im on the "Ive done everything I can for her and now its up to her to try and live life properly" detaching mode. For the longest time she never contacted me, I would have people saying they saw her here or there, or I would run into her but she would go the other way. Then she would only call to 1)blame for something or 2)because she wanted something. Right now we do simple emails back and forth every few days. Hopefully she is safe, I know where she is, but she wants to live her life the way she wants to and is going to have to figure it out on her own.

  11. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    Thank you so much, Aly. Makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. I never thought about trying to find out if there are others going through what I am. Thank you, again. I will keep you guys in my prayers.