Not having to watch your p's and q's anymore...freedom

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 26, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am noticing that once I let go of toxic people and am certain I will never face them again, I no longer worry about what I write here. I don't have to answer to the toxics or worry about offending them.

    That's just another benefit to leaving toxic people behind you.

    Non-toxics will WANT you to heal any way you can so you never had to worry about your loved ones and what they would say in the first place.

    Just a few quick thoughts.

    Let go and let God :)
     
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  2. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I don't know if I would characterize my experience as letting go of toxic people in my life or not, but I felt much of the same freedom and "lightness" when I came to the decision that I no longer gave a bleep what many people thought.
     
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, there is a freedom that comes from letting go of the toxic people in your life. I have also found that once you become aware of what a toxic person is, you are much better equipped to not allow them into your life.
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, a nd I'm doing what I had to do...what I should have done years ago. I'm facing E. as she was to me. I did not write about her or even allow myself to really think about her that much because of Thing 2. I didn't want to hurt my sissy by letting out my own grief, which would have caused a rift at that point. Of course, I had no idea she was reading my postings, and maybe back then she did not, but I knew that if I talked about E. at all, anywhere, it would impact my relationship with her because her relationship with E. was not like mine and even now does not seem to see the way she treated me. So I held it in.

    I was surprised to learn from therapy that it is common to hold it in for a long time. But it is not going to stay inside of anybody forever. It's much like any abuse. You can hide it for years, but it will come out eventually.

    I was ready to let it out and ready to let them go and it feels like I finally stopped lying to myself...for her.

    There is no excuse for the things E. did to me a nd said to me, even as a child, when it started, and it is nothing short of abuse. Nobody deserves what she did. And I am angry for what she did to all of us, even if the others don't see how their lives were impacted by her. It's so obvious, but denial is not just a river...

    It is always my father's fault to them. And maybe for them he was a factor. He wasn't a great father. But the degree of intimacy problems suffered more by the Things than me are not only because my dad, who was rarely home, yelled sometimes and fought with E.

    I am grateful that the intimacy problems suffered by the other two did not happen to me. Well, that's stated wrong. They did happen to me, but I was able to get over them by the time I was in my late 30s and ready to find a suitable mate and friends who would not take advantage of me and use me. Thing 2 was able to go far enough as to see her marriage was not suiting her, but unable to find any man who was capable of loving her. Thing 1? No relationships at all that were close enough to live with him. Mother was his bestie and I'm sure nobody measured up to her in his mind. Do I blame my dad at all?

    In my case I think it wasa E. She is the one who always made me feel useless. When the two of them used to fight, secretly, in my head, I would cheer for my dad. In the big picture, Dad is flawed, but he loves all of us so there is no trauma in my mind regarding him. He is not the one in my nightmares. There is only one person who consistently shows up in my nightmares.

    I'm not sure, but I think that shows who traumatized me.

    This had to happen. It was there for so long. Maybe it caused some of the tiffs between me and T2. I would not talk about that so they happened. Although, honestly, most of the time I don't even know what she was angry about. It doesn't matter anymore.

    It was going to end up this way, with me wanting it as much, if not more, than her. As for T1, I'm surprised he even has any strong opinions about me as we had not been in close touch for years. I can't miss he who was never there.

    My real family is so different. I have good feelings about them...there is little anger...drama doesn't exist. The friends I still keep around are drama free, not from dysfunctional families. The city I live in is fairly crime free and quiet. My life is boring.

    But it's so serene.

    And since I don't have to watch my p's and q's anymore and consider what Thing 2 and even Thing 1 may "approve" of my saying, there is no reason to hold back the grief. And I can get over it. And I am getting over it.
    Finally.

    And I'm soon to celebrate twenty years of marriage with the man who helped me build my new life and whom I love more than life itself.

    Thanks for commenting. Thanks for all who put up with my grieving. It is not something I can do in real life. People at work, acquainances, even friends not only don't want to hear about it or they head for the hills, but many just can not imagine a mother treating her child the way I was treated so all I have is you guys.

    And I appreciate all of you.

    Writing has always been an outlet for me. I express myself best in print.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2015
  5. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I think I've always been somewhat of a "difficult child" myself and I've never cared much about what people think about what I say or do and the older I get the more true that is. I understand that some people are in a position to cause trouble for us sometimes but, beyond that, I couldn't care less what toxic people think or say so usually they are quick to leave me alone as they don't get the reaction they are looking for. LOL Sometimes it pays to be a b!+(#. LOL
     
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Our granddaughter called. The oldest, the 22 year old, the one who celebrated the War of the Grandma's Baklava.

    :O)

    She is learning about hand blending and hand blended, teas these days. If anyone is interested in this very interesting thing, I can post a link to the site.

    And she is in the middle of a forest, and there are bonfires at night and no television and no other people and one dog. And this is what she told me when she was first there, when she first began exploring the taste of that life without drama, where tea is the only thing we drink, and the making and mixing of exquisite gourmet teas is at the center of everything:

    "Grandma? I'm not sure if I'm bored or relaxed."

    :hugs:

    Cedar
     
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  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    On the fridge it goes.

    Clarity.

    Cedar
     
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