Quite a while ago I sent Wiz a message on facebook. He NEVER calls us or responds to any message we send. NEVER. I don't really go on fb often, maybe every couple of months mostly because I don't see anything very interesting there and I cannot think of who would be interested in the minutiae of my life either. Anyway, Wiz did send a couple of messages a few weeks after I sent him one. His perception of what happened with our family is so skewed that I have no idea where to even start to talk to him about it, or even IF I should. At this point I pretty much have no relationship with him and neither does husband. Of course Wiz does not blame husband for any problems, in spite of the fact that husband had almost no relationship with Wiz for the last five or so years that we lived as a family. husband did almost nothing wth Wiz, did not get involved if Wiz raged other than to do something to keep J and T amused and safe while I did what I could to keep Wiz from hurting himself, me or anyone else. husband disconnected because he had no clue how to deal with Wiz' anger and problems and he wasn't interested in figuring out how to help - that was my job. It did almost wreck our marriage, but we worked through it. Wiz feels that I threw him under a bus to save myself, and that I would throw him away at any tme for any reason if it was in any way difficult to get along with him. he is NOT open to any discussion or thought about how severe his problems were or how intense our efforts to help him were. I threw my health away trying to help him and I have permanent damage to my body caused by his rages and violence. Not just emotional trauma, actual physical damage. Wiz also thinks that I should talk to my bro so that I can somehow save my niece from morbid obesity caused by her mother. her mother is psycho with severe mental illness and addiction issues and bulimia/anorexia and every evening that she has niece, they go and eat 1/2 GALLON of ice cream EACH in front of the tv. Bro does provide healthy meals/snacks and plenty of exercise and limited tv, and niece is a delightful child (9 or 10 now). I don't see niece because I am the "bad child' in my family's eyes because I won' allow my bro to be around me. That is a different issue. For YEARS Wiz begged me to cut ties with bro but when I did I was a horrible person. I cut bro out because he was traumatizing my kids. Wiz went to my parents because I honestly and truly believed that he was going to either kill me and then Jess or that I would kill him to keep him from killing me and then Jess. Even the cops and the psychiatrist and therapist thought that this was the most probably outcome. There was NOTHING that I cuold do or say to Wiz that got a reaction other than violence. Even "how was your day?" or "good morning/night/afternoon" or "Do you want some ice cream?" was a reason to attack me physically. The ONLY way I could see to save his life and mine and Jessie's was to get him out of the house. It was NEVER supposed to be the end of our relationship, but he has steadfastly flat out refused to do ANYTHING with me. I have even stopped going to my inlaws for holidays because if I go then he won't go. I use my health as an excuse there, and honestly the steps in their home are incredibly challenging for me given the knee and hip problems. Add in the contant potpourri and room 'freshener' that they use and the instant migraines that I get from them and it isn't much of an excuse, but I would still have gone if Wiz didn't make it very clear that he won't go if I do. I don't even have a clue HOW to start to address this with Wiz. I love that young man more than I could EVER express and sending him to go live out of our home broke me in ways I can't even describe. thank you looks EXACTLY like Wiz did then, and sounds like him, and lately that makes me cry because I long for the loving relationship I once had with wiz. I have so many amazing memories iwth Wiz and we were so very close until he got so very angry and I never really understood why he was so angry other than that we gave him siblings and expected him to do his schoolwork and behave reasonable well. he wasn't abused, though he claims to have been. I know my mother mucked around in those memories because she felt we 'abused' him by not giving him the large box of books and toys every week that she sent them. I am talking about a box the size of ones that paper are packed in, and 90% of the box was only for Wiz every tme, even after J and T were borna nd old enough to ask questions. My mom also felt that by moving out of state because husband cuoldn't find a job here and we did have job offers there, that we 'abused' Wiz. She pushed that for YEARS and she pushed that anything we did with/for Jess was somehow taking away from Wiz. I really feared this wehn Wiz went to live with my parents, but we didn't really have any other options. The judge refused to do anything, the deputy would't write up the paperwork to send the case to the judge even after our second court appearance, CPS felt that as long as he wasn't in our home that they didn't need to get nvolved because our other kids were protected. My parents were really the only option other than to bring Wiz home. My parents refused to make him see a therapist or even to discuss it with him. I saw one, but wouldn't let my mom tell the therapist how to treat me, so that wasn't good enough, and I really was just out of options. Heck, even my mother's therapist told me that she wasn't sure what my mom wanted other than to control my life and have Wiz as my mom's kid and not mine. Honestly, we really fought that because all along my mom had zero perception of her role as a grandparent instead of a parent. It was a HUGE problem esp as she was so clearly biased and we caught her many times telling Wiz that he could ignore me and that I was awful for giving him time out for hurting Jess or breaking Jess's toys, etc.... Jess has a strained relationship with my mom because this bias, of course. My mom denies ALL of this, but I am not the only one who has heard her. She even sent her version of Wiz' history to one therapist we saw and the therapist was just shocked. the entire history was all about how we abused Wiz by not letting my mother be his mom and control our parenting, and how awful I was to not let her make my son the little prince who controlled our world wth his tantrums and entitlement. Wiz is a fine young man and has outgrown much of the gfgness though he still gets great glee out of some less than wonderful behaviors. He is always followed around Walmart because he does things like set every alarm clock to go off or program the tv's to do something or set off all those talking stuffed animals at one time, or the other things on those lists of what not to do at WM. but he is law abiding, not abusing substances, and isn't violent any more. but he still believes that I had him exorcised (husband wanted to at one point, but no, it did NOT happen. husband was at his wit's end at the time.) He also believes that the holy water burned his skin when he was baptised, but really he just cooed when it happened. I don't know if I should try to talk to Wiz, or just let it go and let him go and pray he is happy and that one day he will come to try to talk to me. I honestly do not know. I was far from perfect as a parent. I did have anger issues and didn't work through them as early as I wish I had. I made a LOT of mistakes as a parent, and maybe I was a horrible mother to him. I have and will always feel awful that Wiz couldn't live with us. I didn't send him out of the home to protect myself or even J and thank you. I did it because I was afraid that WIZ was going to end up dead or in prison for killing me and/or Jess. yes, we were protected with him out of our home, but the MAIN goal was to make sure that Wiz had a future. If he had hurt/killed one of us he would have ended up in the Juvie prison that is pretty much a death sentence here - husband and I both know kids who were sent there and were killed by guards who did it purposely. The place is awful and was one of my worst fears. Wiz doesn't acknowledge how out of control he was, and how violent he was or how hard we tried to help him. He just thinks I wanted to control his every thought and action. Do I just let it go? Do I wait and pray that one day he can see the truth? Do I confront him? He will NOT go to a therapist under any circumstances, at least at this time. He beleives that we only took him to the therapist to brainwash him and that it was abusive to take him to the therapist. I don't know how to cope with this. ANY advice would be appreciated, and thanks for reading this. I know I messed up a LOT as a parent, but I never set out to hurt him. I love him more than life itself, and if throwing myself under a bus would help him, I would go do it right now. I am also stunned that he thinks that I could help my niece in any way - there is no way that bro would let me near her even if I kissed his tushie for a year and let him abuse me, my kids, husband and kissed his boots after he did it. Bro and his ex used me as their scapegoat so many times that there is NO WAY that anything I did or said could have a positive effect on niece's life.