Not sure if I should go

[Jungleland]

Hi family,

With all that has been going on lately (see post on Watercooler) I nearly forgot about a meeting for this Friday afternoon regarding Aly and getting her qualified for Far Northern Services, a kind of advanced, lifetime support with access to better care, life skills classes, etc.

A little background: I tried getting her accepted into this program a few years back but husband was making too much money at that time and Aly's then school was NOT helpful at all with their sharing of info.

I worked my tail off trying to get her qualified, like 6 weeks worth of info gathering, meetings, etc.

Long story, longer husband was encouraged by Aly's therapist to try again since her disabilities have gotten so much worse and the EEG shows definite Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, and the new developments of the separation of husband and I. Aly seems to be totally unaffected by the changes in her life, I mean why would she, she has husband all to herself, attending to her every need and want.

Anyways, husband wants me to be at this meeting that is destined to be 3-4 hours long, I have a 2 hour drive to get there as well. And...each and every attempt I have made at suggesting things husband to try with Aly have either been ignored or thrown back in my face.

The only reason he wants me there is that he was so uninvolved during alot of Aly's "stuff" that he is worried he will not remember important things. I have sent him a very updated Parent Report, he has copies of every test, every hospitalization, every lab test, etc. If there are truly things he can't answer, I am a phone call away.

I know this probably sounds horrible to most of you, me not wanting to be a part of this in Aly's life. But, I am truly emotionally and physically exhausted and frustrated with not being listened to by husband. And now he wants me to race back there to fill in the gaps that he SHOULD know already to work like crazy AGAIN to get more help for Aly that I am not even convinced he will take advantage of.

He has been so mean and horrible and rude to me lately that I can hardly speak to him on the phone, let alone see him face to face.

I have spoken to therapist, who will also be at the meeting, and he understands my position and agrees that it is not totally necessary for me to be there to get Aly approved. As long as husband gives the program director all the paperwork I made available to him, and as long as husband doesn't "rose-colored glasses" everything, therapist feels she will get approved. Might even be better if I do not attend. You know, the poor single dad, trying to raise the poor little special needs kiddo thing.

I don't know, I am feeling guilty and pulled to attend, I worked so hard for sooo many years to get Aly all the supports she has already. If I had left it up to husband, I have no idea where we'd be.

Anyways, guess I am just venting and feeling guilty and not sure what to do.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!!

Hugs,
Vickie

 

[slsh]

Vickie - I'd go. This isn't about husband and what he will/won't do, advice he doesn't take, or what he should know. It's about Aly. As burnt out as you are, and I totally understand that, this sounds like a program that would have long-term benefits for her. If husband doesn't take advantage of the services, his problem (and unfortunately Aly's too), but if you go you can at least make a competant argument for her to be able to access the services should husband ever get with the program. Do you want to leave it up to husband?

I guess I wouldn't want to risk Aly not being approved and then wondering if I/you could've made a difference, you know?

 

[jannie]

I totally agree that husband should be able to go...and I totally agree that all he needs to do is turn in the paper work, however....I think you should go to the meeting..

husband may not know the answers to some of their questions. These supports are supports that can last for many many years. They will benefit Aly greatly and hopefully save you money for therapies etc. I know you've done it and you're tired, but I'd hate to see her get rejected from the program just because husband doesn't know what to say !! Remember you're the warrior mom !!At least you'd know that you did everything to fight for these services. I can't imagine that husband would be as strong as you. I'm impressed with the fact that t-doctor will be there. Sending some extra hugs for support.

 

[Nomad]

What you might do is compromise.
Tell them that due to other obligations (children, etc.) you can go for a finite period of time. Perhaps the first hour, etc. I would bring a comprehensive file of everything and anything you could think of and ask them to keep a log of any questions and let them know you are available by phone in the coming days for answers. Leave the file (make sure you have copies yourself). Make sure everyone knows the time you need to leave ahead of time. Make your "excuses" as "real" as possible. Hopefully, they will think of the most pressing questions while you are there and only call you with questions that are of an urgent nature. In additon, make sure everyone has your telephone numbers. Make your excuses and leave. Assure them that husband can answer most, if not all questions. Be professional, firm and curteous.

 

[KateM]

Here's another vote to go -- for all the reasons stated by slsh. You have worked so hard for Ally for so many years. Your work in this area is almost at fruition. I hope you see a successful outcome for all your efforts!

 

[crazymama30]

OK, guess I will be the rebel today.

I think that if you do not feel comfortable going, and given the circumstances and the distance you have to drive, If you do not want to go don't go. You have done all you could to help Aly, and husband thwarted you. Now it is his turn to buck up and be a real parent. husband has been a jerk to you lately and you need to think of yourself too. He was not there when you needed him, he wanted to take over Aly's care, now it is time for him to do that.

 

[janebrain]

Okay, Crazy Mama, you beat me to 1st position as the rebel but I am thinking along the same lines as you.

Vickie, I have the feeling you are looking for someone to give you permission not to go since you feel guilty about it and so I am here to give you permission to lay down the burden and not go. You do sound like you are just "there"--you have had enough, you have given all you can give. It's okay.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[fosterparent]

I would go for my own peace of mind. You are angry and frustrated at husband. He had the ability to change and work with you wherein your child did not. She did not choose this path and it is what it is. Sit on the other side of the room from him, don't look at him, don't address him at all, only be there for her (even though she may not think she needs you there). You are the one who did all the work and it may be coming to fruition, don't you want to be there to see it? Of course this is in my humble opinion.

 

[JJJ]

I wouldn't go. husband is raising Aly now. He needs to step up to the plate. Maybe you could be brought in on a conference call for an hour, then you would still have a chance to answer any questions.

 

[Shari]

I guess I'd have to ask myself what happens if I don't go and this opportunity is lost. Are you detached to the point that that will be ok with you? If so, by all means, don't go. At this point, that's a perfectly acceptable position for what you've been thru.

If it were me, I'd probably have to go because the what-if's would eat me alive afterward. However, that's just me. However, there is no reason you can't be available by phone or email or even conferenced in for the meeting and still give just as valuable as insight. If the pro's leading this meeting can't understand your position, they need new pro's, in my book.

Hugs.

 

[crazymama30]

I like the conference call idea.

 

[Jungleland]

I thank you all for your thoughts. I am still struggling with this decision, but the conference call is sounding better and better. I may end up waiting until Friday morning to make up my mind for sure, who knows.

Thanks again everyone!!

Hugs,
Vickie