Not sure if this is a SA post or a PE post...but I'm uncomfortable.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by DDD, Feb 17, 2012.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    difficult child#1 (previously known as easy child/difficult child sigh!) really seems to be getting hooked on his new girlfriend. I can't explain how shocking it is to me. on the other hand I guess I shouldn't be shocked. This evening it just kinda hit me. He's "hooking up" with an older difficult child whose strongest attribute is that she works full time and is caring and generous towards him.

    I totally know that this issue isn't as severe as when he was in jail or when he was throwing up from alcohol excess or certainly when he had brain surgery because he plunged three stories while under the influence and landed on the sidewalk. I "know" that but my mind is having a really hard time wrapping around the fact that he would be in a relationship with an unattractive woman (yeah, I know beauty is only skin deep..sigh) who has three children who are being raised by her parents. WTH! Doesn't that sound alot like GFGmom??

    She is a recreational pot smoker who drinks. He seems honestly "smitten". I really think this is going to be a mega test of my parenting skills. I know I have to stifle my concerns or disappointment. This is difficult. It's like when I had to accept that my easy child was a easy child/difficult child and then..later..felt I had to drop the easy child altogether even though he acts like a easy child around me because at 24 he openly tells everyone that "I love my Mama more than anyone in the world." Yeah, girlfriend knows this too.

    Yeah...this is a vent or a release valve for the accumulated emotions. I never in the world thought he would not graduate from high school and college. I never in the world thought he would be a felon. I never in the world thought he would be a major underachiever. Lordy, Lordy I never imagined that I might have a daughter in law whom I would have to force myself to accept. Geez! And, Yuk! What a life! DDD
  2. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh DDD,
    We "never in the world" expected what has happened with or difficult children any of us. Every new thing like this triggers those old feelings and the grief returns. I'm sorry. It's ok to get the feelings out.
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    They often end up miles away from even our most pessimistic dreams. HUGS!!!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry this is another loss. Sometimes I think the difficult child's look for older women because they need a mother figure in some way. Even though this one might be less than hoped for, she may have some good things going for her. We can hope at least.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't know DDD- while I see that your concern is that your difficult child is now making decisions that are not healthy and that result from being raised in a dysfunctional family, I can't help but notice that every single thing that happens seems to always bring you back to GFGmom. I think you have some unresolved issues there. I'm not saying that you don't have reason for being angry, holding her accountable for her children or whatever else. It's up to you to figure out if it's anger, hurt, rejection, whatever....but I really think it would help you to figure it out. I honestly don't mean this to be offensive or to disregard any experience you have.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Klmno he has been making poor choices for a decade and in the past couple of years has been making baby steps forward. Rather naively I have hoped that he would find a sober girlfriend who would supplement his efforts to stay away from alcohol and pot. With substance abuse issues it just is not healthy to be around others who use. That's my biggest issue truthfully.

    I always advocate for therapy and counseling when parents are traumatized by their family members. It is not meant to make light of my stress/disenchantment but I have seen Tdocs and still see a psychiatrist to make sure I'm not internalizing GFGmom issues....they in truth have separately met with her to see what could be seen professionally and not thru biased eyes. Those sessions have validated my feelings and helped me detach with-o much guilt. by the way, neither wanted to see her as a patient because "she is going to do what she is going to do". True.

    As always, DDD
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't blame you at all for your concerns re the girlfriend. I think they are valid and justified. I re-read my post from last night and I apologogize for the tone and the wsay it came across- I don;t think I chose the best words to say what I was trying to. But it sounds like you have already been aware of the things I was noticing and tried to work thru them so that was pretty much my suggestion anyway. I know I probaably sound like I never hold my own difficult child accountable many times, too, so I need to remind myself that we all vent here, not just me. :)

    I slept late and am just noow having my coffee so not fully awake yet.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    No problem. Actually having anonymous bff's in the family allows us all to say what comes to mind. I value that freedom of expression. Hugs DDD
  9. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    (((DDD))) I fully understand your concerns, I do think this problem can be just as severe! My difficult child has always attracted other difficult children that think I should supplement their income. Honestly, there has only been 1 relationship with a easy child that had a full time job and I enjoyed their visits. She stuck by him during a 9 month rehab! They did not have a sexual relationship because she wanted marriage, thank heavens (for her) they did not marry. She contacted me recently and told me she still cares for him. He is my son but I do not encourage her in the least, she has a college degree and is self supporting.

    The current girlfriend from hell at 2 years has been his longest relationship. I have met her one time and could not wait for them to leave. We live about 5 hours from them and they were going to a concert and stopped to visit for a few days on the way back. She had 'difficult child' in bold red neon letters all over her lol! She stayed on the cell most of the 2 days arguing with someone. When they drove up in her car it looked like a 12yo (or younger) had put the stickers all over the car. During the stay it was 'mom bought the car for me' and 'granny bought this and that for me'.

    I had to **loan** them money to get home. Soon after that I started receiving emails asking for money. I ignored them and blocked her. Then they had a fight and she called screaming at me so I stopped answering her calls, she leaves very nasty messages telling me I am the reason my son is so f***** up and I never loved him blah, blah, blah. I had to call the police 2 weeks ago to stop the harrassment. She had also been harrassing my daughter (never met) and his friends.

    They broke up last August and I was lied to (from him) that they were not together. After their last fight 2 weeks ago she was sent to detox. Son told me she drinks and takes different prescription drugs. We suspect crack or something because of the rage she has.

    I suspect they will get together again and she knows, he knows, and her mother knows, that she will never be welcome in my home. She posted nasty stuff on facebook so none of my family wants anything to do with her either. Her mother and I agree they are a bad combination. They remind me of the gifted college students that the girl made the boy kill a girl because he had sex with her when they were briefly broken up. Girlie is just that venemous and my difficult child appears to be just that stupid. At 37 she is so very immature and I remember that drugs stop emotional growth and distort your thinking.

    difficult child and my relationship is very strained due to his lies, drama, and conns anyway, but if he continues with her he will have to visit WITHOUT her. He is a follower and she is controlling and they both are jealous of everyone.

    Watch this be the one that he sticks with, OMG!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I remember your difficult child's girlfriend...yikes! My heart went out to you when the calls and FB activities were going on. What a mess.

    The only valid concern I have is her unacknowledged substance abuse. difficult child#1 says with quiet conviction "she is not an alcoholic". As everyone in the CD family knows I am a Cutty drinker so I know the difference between someone who drinks and someone who has a problem. His girlfriend buys at least three bottles of booze a week for them to share at her place. They also go to the Club at least twice a week where she drinks and supposedly (I hope) difficult child does not drink if he has a vehicle. He drinks once they are "home" for the night.

    I actually began to wonder how he was seemingly staying sober so often...and then I found out she is a pot or spice smoker. The light bulb went off...again. He does not drink if he's had a blunt. He has not been using weed for a couple of years with very rare exception. I'm unhappy that he is smoking again and concerned that somehow he will again end up in trouble with the law. Yeah, his choices and his consequences but the prospect is sad.

    She is a difficult child at 33. I know difficult child's attract each other like magnets. on the other hand I had allowed myself to hope that he would hook up with someone we could genuinely enjoy. He tells me "she makes me happy" and I smile and say "only you can make your personal decisions". I'm appropriate on the outside, lol.
    Inside I'm not a happy camper to say the least. Thank heavens I have detached as much as I have. My husband and I want him to be part of our life. Rats! We'll manage to be welcoming no matter how loud she is, no matter what her past is etc. but we wanted it to genuine. Whine. DDD