not sure what to call this post

[dreamer]

UG! I am riled up- or whatever...yeesh.
I was nervous earlier today about a doctor visit for me....doctor had talked to me and said my liver was not happy cuz of either my illness or my medications, to come in today.
I replied to PamelaJ on a post and made something sound so much easier than it really is........then I think I hijacked a thread of Margs......yeesh. Talk about high anxiety!
Was already not haveing the best week....not the worst but.....
little things. Adjusting to reconciliation with my sibs......after a many year long seperation/estrangement.....even tho I blamed my sister for a lot of the problems, and I blame her for my moms estate being broke----I simply no longer wanted to live with the estrangement, so have been working extra hard at reconciliation--and to my delight, it does seem sibs are also. So it is good, but - not easy. LOL.
Rejoined a group I was a founding member of here- Marine Corps League AUx. I left a couple years ago when my mom was so ill and I was so busy with her, and then husband was so ill at same time and then my son poked his eye out. I left the group partly becuz prior to me being SO busy, I could NOT get a fire lit under the co-members to be active and do what our mission statement said....but also becuz I suddenyl was SO busy, and also too partly becuz suddenly it was ME in the shoes of the people we usually would help- yet noone even acknowledged I was in those shoes.
Well, I found out it is now all NEW members, LOL------so I rejoined----BUT...little weird things....
so- a little stress.
I am haveing a horrible time figureing out how to make sure my easy child has cash euros for her ireland trip- she is under 18, going with school- plus I have never flown, do not know rules etc......
LOL
And I am mentally prepping for my sons 4 trips to various docs 5 hours each way, how in heck am I gonna put gas in tank for those trips? ANd how will I feel by the Lane Bryant> etc etc....plus I resent the trips now-----Shriners is not really actively doing anything anymore, the bilateral leg braces did not help after 2 years of 24-7 wear, so they stopped them, and good news is he did not get WORSE without them..so it is just follow up with ortho- follow up with neuro re heterotopia, but neuro NEVER has anything to say about it....and follow up with geneticist who has been waiting for new tests to be developed he wants to run.but they are not yet developed, LOL- just follow up to formally say so....
and a visit to eye surgeon, they cannot fix sons eye.....they only check tomake sure it still has blood flow...and they peek at his good eye....and the other eye doctor sees him a week later to check again to make sure the eye is not shrinking more....and then the OTHER eye doctor sees him a week after that to check tomake sure if/when son wants a prosthesis it is still an option.....
Each doctor visit is 5 hours each way....hours spent in clinic.....a sleepover either at a hotel or ronald mcdonald house.....chaos at home becuz I am not home to keep chaos under some semblance of control......
exhaustion for me cuz the whole 5 hours is spent in high tension traffic....and a time of meals catch as I can..and a nite not in MY own bed.

 

[Hound dog]

dreamer

With all the doctor visits and trips and such, you actually have time left over to belong to a group?? For me, that would just be one more stressor I didn't need. But if it is something you enjoy doing it might be worth it.

I haven't got a clue on the whole Euros thing. I hope easy child has a great time. (shouldn't the teacher be able to help with that whole conversion thing?)

Hugs

 

[dreamer]

and easy child informed me this week while technically she has to live in dorm this upcoming year, her boyfriend is moveing nearby becuz his parents divorced and dad is moving in with his new girlfriend and mom is moving who knows where-----leaving him on his own....so- she is gonna help him set up housekeeping, in July.
He is a decent guy.....I just was caught by surprise. My first birdie flying from the nest or something? LOL I am not upset...and it does make sense....
But the case where she was a victim continues to drag in court....and now I fear it will finally come to trial while she is supposed to be at college....

ANyway.....so today I had to go to doctor cuz of my liver. I actually called my doctor at his request becuz at last appointment we did a medication reduction.....and my symptoms were coming back hard and fast, WAY more than I expected cuz the medication reduction was in my opinion VERY small. ANd thats when he dropped liver on me (due to labs from last visit)
So I was anxious.
My doctor is 2 hours each way. I headed out--and traffic was extra crazy today, and an 18 wheeler was playing nasty with my bug for qite a distance, till I finally found a place to turn off where I COULD safely do so----(he seemed like he was not gonna let me slow to turn off) - so then I was behind him. (I was going 15 over and he was on my back bumper)
Later down the road, it increases to 2 lanes and he woudnd up being beside me, whereupon he suddenly came across in front of me grazing my passenger mirror, and then makeing a sharp sudden left across causeing another oncoming head on 18 wheeler to hit him, with me right there where he just cut me off.
I made it unscathed but freaked.
WHew. Then I was driving along and there are still 15 ft snow mounds of plowed snow- and UG....they are BLACK. SO I was thinking about that article about whats in the water and thinking YUK whats in the air - the snow is BLACK.
I was also thinking about PamelaJ and Marg and timerlady and STeely.......

Got to docs and YIKES I NEVER saw it so busy!!!!! It has always been nearly empty, but not today.

2 men were chatting, one had fibro, the other RA....the fibro one went in, and the RA one came over to chat with ME.
Thats OK< I am a VERY social person. Poor man, his grandson was in a devastateing accident over weekend, permanant irreversible brain damage...- veg state.
SO I was listening and nodding - you know-being kind, being gentle-----actually he was askign me about various local nurseing homes, cuz someone there asked where I lived, and his gradson is from my area.(I actually did know of his grandsons accident from newspaper, after he began talking) and someone else asked something and it came out I worked at county nurseing home here.

Darned grandson was a user...high when he crashed. Poor grampa was trying to come to terms with the addiction part.....

Then some abnoxious lady came from acros way..to come cluck her tongue at us and add her 2 cents-and then to rant at ME becuz she could tell I smoke cigs......so she stole conversation away from grampa to rail at me for being a smoker.
<sigh>


FINALLY I go to exam room, and sit THERE for a lOOOONG time, doctor races in and apologizes, all out of breathe. Yeesh.

Then he and I argue. grrr. WHY do I smoke......am I REALLY bipolar......same old same old....we do this every visit. I continue with him becuz he is closest to me geographically.....AND also becuz my old doctor undertreated me so many years, permitted me to become bedbound quadriplegic and this doctor had me up and walking etc really fast.

He wants to up pred again, even more than he already did. I was at one level for awhile. doign GREAT on my medication combo- but he wanted to try to reduce steroids. so we did, just a tiny bit. But then symptoms came back hard and fast. So we then put them back to what I had been taking, but now he wants to go up higher. He was not happy with what he saw, I argued, I am not so bothered, I can deal with it..nope, he does not like it. But it is ME who lives with it.....
Grrr.
Up the steroids, now higher than they were before we started changeing them. grrr.
He had already added on sjogrens diagnosis a while back, but did nothing about it, but today decided to add a rx for it. I argued. why? it is not any worse. He decided it is worse. But it's not, so I argued. Well he won cuz then he added in salivary glands.which I was blaming on something else. Yeesh.
Then we bantered a bit, he was teaseing me for going out of state now to eat out cuz I can still smoke in Wis....said he is gonna "close the borders" I said nah, not with cook countys new sales tax.(I do not live in cook county but his office is in cook county)

Then I had to give 9 vials of blood......but, a LONG line for lab.....and then I had to get new XRays.and an even longer line for that. (previously there had never been a line for either)

Abnosious waiting room lady was ahead of me for xrays and she was antsy.and kept complaining, and finally after an hour she decided she was not gonna wait longer, she was leaving. Boy was I glad..becuz they told her her xrays would TAKE an hour to do them all.

By then it was nasty rush hour traffic and I live due west of doctor...so sun was straight on in my face.....and I was bummed about the whole thing.

I stopped at a Barnes and Noble....plus I had not eaten a thing all day (not sure why)

Wound up looking at books about diet....decided gosh everything I DO eat is whats killing me.
SO add that to the water that has drugs in it and the black snow from car exhaust which is surely also in the air we breathe......and by then I was thinkning, OK every food I eat, the water I love and the air I breathe- it is ALL killing me.

When sun went down I headed to home. Went past gas station on the corner. Gas was $3.80!!!!!!! YIKES! How am I gonna pay for gas to take son to all those appts 5 hours away! Walked in door and sat down and......

My gosh darned glasses plopped into my lap. I have no idea how, but they were broken!

Yeesh.


I am going to bed. what a LOOOOONG day! Eating and my liver (he said chronic hepatitis) and everything else will just have to go on without any input from me for a little while, I am hiding out in dreamland.

 

[dreamer]

Oh plus I hafta see an opthamologist becuz rheumy thinks the illness or medications is taking my eyesight. yeesh.

 

[witzend]

First off, big hugs to you!

Now, I hope you will be able to stop and take a breath! I know that you need to prepare yourself as much as possible, but you have so many things that you are juggling right now! I'd probably want to kick me if I said it to myself, but is it possible that you could separate out some of the tasks that you have ahead of you and deal with them as their own entities? Lists to keep things in perspective? (UGH!) How about asking your family for some assistance, either with your difficult child, or with rides, or temporary housing? (DOUBLE UGH!) Church? (Oy!)

All I can say is that you are starting in the right place and doing the right thing. Asking for help and ideas is about all you can do. I know that someone will know how to help. I find that I often say "Let me know if you need anything", but it seems like people are shy to ask. You shouldn't be afraid to ask anyone for anything you need. People really do want to help and are just waiting for you to let them know what they can do for you.

Regarding Lil Dude, is UCP not able to assist in any way? Maybe the can't offer a working brace right now, but maybe they can lighten your load in some other way.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will find the strength and help that you need to get yourself and your family on the mend.

 

[dreamer]

Daisylover----
LOL- I run hypomanic.and my whole life until I got sick I always had at least 3 dozen irons in the fire.
While sick, I was REALLY out of it.....but, since getting better? I find myself bored. Go figure. Taking care of lil guy and oldest difficult child and husband and keeping up with easy child is just not enough for me.....
I have always been an active volunteer, even when I worked 16 hours a day 6 days a week.
I do not think I could handle the rigors of nurseing now, nor would it be so wise to be exposed to things anymore considering the medications I am now on.....but- I just have this strong need in me.....

I do not think I want to continue advocateing about school/education here anymore since difficult children due process and I am currently burnt out on advocateing for rights of mentally disabled - I think I am tired of advocating at all right now..........so I rejoined the Marine COrps League to help veterans and their familys and active duty people again, plus I also joined FEMA thing......and I have begun going to this other thing at police dept. When I worked, in nurseing- my fav part was hands on direct care, day to day needs--activities of daily living. Maybe I am just still a girl scout to my core? LOL.

I think I am resenting the eye docs a lot right now becuz we already kow my son is not gonna get vision back..they removed his lens, his macula and retina are trashed beyond belief....and he at this time is still saying he does not care if they put a prosthetic shell on. Oh one of his eye docs is also following becuz he has calcium deosits across the bad eye....BUT they are not gonna act on them....becuz they tend to come back anyway, and they will only bother son if he DOES get a prosthetic shell. SO for now most of his appts are just technicalities.....moneymaker for docs, and we go so noone can say he is not being followed. Altho they DO keep a close watch oon his remaining eye.....

I feel weird at RMH anymore, becuz so many there are SO ill, life threatening etc.....and my son is not ill...not in a life threatening situation.....altho we do qualify to utilyze RMH and at the one hospital there are no nearby hotels.......
I just started to have severe survivors guilt when there last. BUT I also have a very hard time makeing that trip without a break for sleep before coming home.

 

[dreamer]

LOL oh and- ya know husband is not usually capable of haveing a conversation.....and while lil guy is...we spend a LOT of time together, him and I and I do his homeschooling with him..and difficult child has ups and downs and altho she can have a conversation, she is still--- um......kinda young and naive etc......and she can still be somewhat difficult.....so- I seldom have time where I have a non psychotic non delusional adult conversation about anything. LOL. Joing those things gives me time to interact in the world with people that are a little more able to have a real conversation.

 

[dreamer]

witzend- I apologize.....um.....I am not sure I understood your post? Gosh my brain is more swirling than I realized, no wonder I am typing away to empty it so I can settle donw, LOL.

Um...lets see..my load is now MUCH lighter than it has been in ------oh maybe 20 years right now? Lightest it has EVER been. Son had been haveing to go back to Eye docs at univ weekly....then every 2weeks...we did that for 18 months. FINALLY we are now at every 4 months for one eye doctor and every 6 months for the other 2, and once a year for Shriners. Nothing is being actively treateed really....son is doing good, holding his own.stable. He will be on this follow up schedule always now, from my understanding...which I guess is why I am haveing a hard time careing if we go or not and resenting how it will disrupt us...they will not be DOING anything- just kinda checking on him.....but- there is not really anything anyone expects to get better or worse. He is who he is he is how he is and he just is, LOL. ANd he hads adapted to everything. His eye causes no problems really.....he walks.....his seizures are no worse, and have neever been obvious to casual observation, and he has learned over the years since he was born with them to just keep on trucking or whatever.

I have been stranged entirely and totally from my famil for many many years, with a LOT of hard things between us. ANd prior to that it was ME who did all the reaching out and helping out....but they are not close anyway....my husband has no family at all.....my husband cannot be trusted with anything, oldest difficult child does not drive......is more like an 11-12 yr old......easy child is at school and work most of the time....and becuz I have been handling husband, difficult child, easy child and son so intensely for so many years----and becuz I have not worked etc now in years--- we do not KNOW anyone to ask for any help. Altho trust is hard for me, too....becuz on the few occasions when I have trusted people who have supposedly offered help- most of the time, they backed out at very last minute, causeing far more problems than ever.

The good part is....remember, husband does not work..I do not worjk......oldest difficult child is homeschooled and does not work, and son is homeschooled. This does free me up to do all these things on my own schedule....and that helps a lot. easy child goes topublic school is a senoir and works after school an weekends and is going to college in fall. (to a dorm)
So-----when I take son to RMH and am gone from home, we do school at RMH.....but oldest has to wait for me to get home. ALL house chores wait for me......oldest still cannot manage to handle a chore list. (makes her far too anxious) easy child keeps one eye on husband and difficult child when I am at RMH....(and she drives) difficult child has a bank account so easy child can drive to store and either pay with her money or with difficult children money......and or they can bring husband with them......
difficult child takes care of the pets. husband does what he always does.......nothing.
we have learned over the years how to manage..maybe it is not always optimal, but....we get by.

One good thing that has come from all of it? difficult children psychiatrist is also far fr away......when I take eac child to their appts......it is a LONG car ride with just me and whichever kid.....and it has opened the door for them to talk with me.....gave us opportunities for conversation, shareing time that have helped so much. Plus all my kids adore their docs, their docs adore my kids.....and me and my kids extend the travel time becuz we are so busy spending that time together.....we now tend to dilly dally. By now I am not sure I would want to give that time up with any of the kids, LOL.
Even in the hotels-----just me and the one kid.....they musta figured out they could not do anything about it so I guess they kinda settled in to make the best of it, and so did I.
But nah, there isn't anyone TO ask for help. Never has been.
I suppose that might be part of why sometimes my replies to people might be so much more .....weird....?? than some other peoples? I really have been very very very alone dealing with it all all these years. The diagnosis'es. the medical crisises, the chores, the finances etc..everything. when people say "pick your battles" I had to do that in the most very literal sense and to the max extremes. and when I was so very ill and quadriplegic, it was really really a mess! But it REALLY hit home for me pick my battles. It sure has changed me profoundly and changed how I look at things immensely.

BUT by now? it is so much a part of life....and I have this newfound GREAT appreciation simply FOR just life itself......

hmmmmm........life is weird. LOL.

Hey, I think I am settleing down, LOL! all talked out.

Yes, I use lists, calenders.and I post and vent and then I let things go. I type it and then it is gone. Off my shoulders. me and my calender and spiral notebook.....I keep detailed lists and manage to keep up easily with them. and I post and when I type, I process what I am thinking, and then I stop worrying about anything, once I type it.

Awwww...so..see you guys got to have these posts here from me..but now that I have typed them, "I" can now go to bed, LOL, cuz now it is out and I read it and -----all is well.

 

[nvts]

Oh Dreamer! How the heck do you do it? I'm tired just reading what's going on with you let alone actually doing what your doing!

I HATE when you end up with what I call the "Terminal F/U's"! (Hey, now watch it ladies: "follow ups!".) You actually are having the real "F" word going on too! (listen, you guys have to stop! The REAL F word is "funding" and lack thereof!).

I think I'm going to be rattling beads for you - you really are amazing that you can keep up such a pace. I've gotta hand it to you, I think I'd be a ravin lunatic right now if I was carrying the load that you're handling so gracefully!

I'm humbled!

Beth

 

[susiestar]

dreamer,

Have you talked to the docs, or their assistants, about the impact these followups have on the entire family? They may be able to help, or cut the visits back, or coordinate the visits.

I have had good luck with this approach, but it depends on the docs. Use the suggestions here and fax the concerns, then call. it can't hurt to put the info out there.

hugs, (andmy awed admiration due to all you do for family and give back to the community)

Susie

 

[susiestar]

dreamer,

I hate to hear that you feel bad using RMH services. They are there for you. THEY would tell you to put those aside and come on in. They are there for the LONG HAUL.

One thing you might not have considered, having a family like yours may be a big bright spot for the RMH staff. You are always willing to pitch in, you have a delightful outlook on life, and you really brighten up many peoples' day. It would be a much needed break to have you there (where the outlook is not so dire) and would give a morale boost.

So, if you look at it MY way, YOU are helping RMC because you brighten everyone's day just by being YOU!

hugs,

Susie

 

[dreamer]

WHEW! I sure had a bit of anxious manic going last nite, huh? sorry bout that! I think the traffic revved me up, first.

And then the fear about the chronic hepatitis. ANd not wanting to up the steroids more than they had been previously.

I think I made it all sound kinda worse than it really is to live it.

I like that "terminal F/Us" Yeah...thats what it is. I flat out asked sons eye docs if they were useing him for some article, or if they needed money or what? THey said they have to keep an eye on his good eye, becuz I guess there is a slight increased risk his good eye will become sympathetic to his bad one....plus loss of one eye while traumatic is not a huge change in lifestyle but if something happens to his good one, now, it would be a huge change in his life. So, yes they watch it like a hawk. ANd the bad one, he would not know if it were dangerously shrunk--and it could potentially become ---well something- and they also have to make sure it still maintains a good blood flow or he could become ill. THus the appts. I iamgine I could transfer him to a doctor closer, BUT it was becuz of the docs closer that he lost the vision in first place, they kept saying he was "fine" so I have little to no faith in the docs here. (also for many many many other reasons----other inidents, etc, I am not comfy at the local docs, hospital etc)

Shriners checks him over with a fine tooth comb- if he starts to not do as well, they act. I am very grateful to them, as it is they who took lil dude in with NO referral but mine--becuz lil dude was 7 yrs old and local docs kept saying he was "fine" and THEY found his heterotopia and his CP and his seizures. The cp is very very mild....
JUst mostly all the F/Us all got dumped on top of each other, all bunched together- partly MY fault- or lifes circumstances fault....becuz we had to do a couple cancellations due to court, weather etc along the way. ANd the price of gas is kinda getting to me.
ANd the RMH? LOL.....well, Univ of Chicago has a brand new house since we were there last----and while I am very grateful they are there---I have no interest in being there now that the main crisis is over.

ANyway, I now have a good nites sleep under mybelt, am far more calm. LOL. What will be will be.

I felt embarrased for hijacking Margs thread in Healthful living and for um, well I am not sure- being somewhat flip and casual or --I dont know-----something----on PamelaJs thread.
Time to enjoy this new spring day!

Oh I know- I was confused, did not know what UPC was.

Hmmm, LOL, while I was busy hiding from traffic last nite? All 3 kids AND husband texted me. They went .......shopping. Thye were quite excited and proud of themselves. They reminded me when I did get home that tomorrow is a very special day, and they can barely contain their excitement. LOL.

Thank you for your replies, thanks for being there.

Hope you have a good day!!!!

 

[dreamer]

Susiestar- do you work at our RMH? LOL----Actually I did sit crying in there with the houuse manager one day......and that sounds almost like what she said to me!
Me and son cannot easily go back there to volunteer when we do not have an appointment, but, when we have an appointment, we pitch in and do different things that need to be done becuz when I am there since his surgery, I do have the freedom to be able to pitch in, now. From home, we can only send money here and there, but when we are there, we do things like clean the fridges, and ovens....weed the yard, bring donations with us. AND we formed bonds with several of the other parents---since I amnot a morning bird, I was always up in the day room when other parents came trekking back form hospital, and I would sit with them, let them talk, make them dinner.....and my son would play with their other children.

The RMH is a truly amazing and wonderful place. Me and son found ourself at our first one after an outpatient MRI had adverse side effects on my son....and we had gone into the city on public transporrtation, planning on going home the same way. The hospital would not keep him but did not want him to go far, and he could not walk. I could not cary him. RMH was our savior.
We had asked eye surgeon if there was a RMH by where eye surgery was done. Surgeon had no other children patients at the time.....he had no info- so we did not benefit from it for months. Finally, just like I self referred us to SHriners previously, I self referred us to RMH and they did their legwork to find out that yes, my son was a patient at the uni hospital.....even tho the doctor was working out of the adult hospital-----they welcomed us. AND then I worked with RMH staff to get word out to adult hospital that the children THERE -- their families needed to know RMH was available for them, too.
The volunteers at RMH are more than amazing. I have met some very incredible people! And the parents of the children are also an awesome group of warrior parents! AND the kids? Incredible kids!

 

[witzend]

Just saying that these aren't things that you planned for, and you seemed a bit overwhelmed at that moment. And that you're not estranged from the family anymore (not like I am from mine - completely) and you might be surprised by their generosity. Heck, even a little bit of help is help. Live in the now, and ask them. Maybe they'll live in the now and help you.

 

[dreamer]

UPC ? + ? unplanned crisis?

Nah my sibs are not people who help people, the one closest to my age does not even tend to his own things----his reason is "he is The Man of The House and HE works for a living" And he does NOTHING else. Not ever. Heck, he does not even go to court if he gets a ticket. "Too Busy" And his family? LOL- all grown and moved on except for his cheating wife.
My other bro- the minister- he lives very far away, no help- altho he is not much help, anyway. Handy reason? He has no associate pastor.
Sister? she just had a surgery of her own, over the weekend. And she just started working! (she never worked before, takes it VERY seriously) Minister bro and sister also have kids MUCH younger than mine---and they are finding themselves oveerwhelmed with careing for kids.
Youngest bro? He is........well he is a difficult child. 21 yr old male...who knows what he REALLY does or where he IS. He IS a hypochondriac....big time--and he has at least 1 eating disorder.....and we are not sure, becuz he keeps distance, but he may also have some type of substance abuse ..issues.?
Reconciliation with them means I ignore (for lack of a better word) their worser behaviors, and see them infrequently, sporadically.....purely light hearted socially.
None of them even tolerate my husband AT ALL (nor he them) They prefer to keep me more in the shadows, becuz I do not "fit" in their highly successful lifestyles.....

Middle sis and bro do seem to be learning thru life experience that my life is not so much me screwing it up as they originally thought....oldest bro is ....I dunno, I am very concerned for his mental status of late, and youngest bro, I am trying to build some kind of rapport and relationship, but --well, him being 28 years younger, growing up in a VERY different homelife than me....and me not being part of his life really until mom got sick....and I came to take care of mom, so he could go free....we are still strangers, and I think he mostly just tells us what he thinks we want to hear----
Nah the "reconciliation" is more in my wishful thinking heart----and the relationships always were more of me being some kind of fairy godmother auntie to them than much of anything else. Except that their socio economic status is several big notches above mine. For all intents and purposes, for now- it is akin to my relationship with the waitress at the corner coffee shop right now.....and most likely will never develop into much more than um......them tolerating me bestowing trinkets upon their kiddies.....and them finding amusement in um..oh......the way I dress or the soongs I decide to break into singing while bouncing their baby on my knee dureing the 1 hour they afford me in between their world jaunts etc becuz "I" want to see their kid. Unfair relationship- but due to nostalgia and sentiment, I accept what I can get.....and I put no strings on it. I changed their diapers, bought them their first bikes, taught them to drive (not just a car but also stick shift, LOL) and I guess old habits die hard.

Cannot even appeal to their sense of doing charity-becuz their views of people worthy of charity are.......pretty warped. (sad) Not sure if I like them......altho I love them without a doubt. Kinda like my kids.
Altho with my KIDS I do feel sense of responsibility to make my kids become decent civil people. I think I decided my sibs might be a lost cause. or something. Nah, as soon as they even THINK I might be the least bit needy? Their phones and emails seem to not work.

I think last nite I WAS hit with overwhelment. Normally, most of it no longer bothers me in the least. And in the light of day today, it does not seem anywhere near as bad. LOL.

Me and son take advantage of being out and about-----we do some homeschool "field trips" and stop on way there and back and enjoy the time. In truth, I treasure it a LOT..becuz how many moms and 12 yr old sons get to spend THAT kind of quality time together? Long after I am gone, he will have this time in his memory. And already the hard parts, the reasons for our trips has faded- the surgeries are a dim memory, and he loves to chatter on about all the OTHER parts of those trips. The people at RMH, the doctor himself (we have developed a relationship with this doctor.the doctor is young, my son was one of his first patients....and for sure first child patient) the side trips we take on our trips......
I think the trips hold a certain amount of......magic.
ANd if I take things one at a time.they are not as overwhelming.
Last nite, I was looking at the WHOLE thing all in one big blob.....whew, it really got to me!

Yes, this morning I was far more able to look at it all differently, properly.....today I am back to my more calm----"all in a days work"

Thank you for helping me get myself back to that better place.

Now I am goona go look into a new program that might be beneficial to difficult child.......some new thing our county apprently began, gosh....seems to me I suggested this exact program to them a few years ago.......
oh and the dreaded, I need to find ME an opthamologist..yuk.I HATE trying to find docs here.and harder, hate to try to find ones to take my Medicare or difficult children Medicaide. <sigh> yuk. LOL...a new day a new challenge. Keeps me outta trouble. (keeps me from letting hypomania show so obviously, LOL)

 

[dreamer]

our estrangement was over 15 yrs long.....they do not even know my son, and my son would not know any of them if he ever saw them on the street. :-(

My minister bro did just email me---said he would love for us to meet somewhere for lunch or something on one of the upcoming trips to eye doctor..(He lives sorta close to there, much closer to there than to my house--and on occasion he is the chaplain on call at the univ hospital)

 

[Star*]

Dreamer,

I wanted to thank you for your post. When i logged on I came to your post and I read it, re-read it, closed up, logged off and then later came back wondering. I have rarely seen mania in writing - I actually wasn't sure what it looked like or what it was - but the fact that you are willing to identify it and can have a chuckle about it is absolutely incredible to me.

I actually laughed at myself because my first thought on reading what you wrote was - WHAT? I can't - can anyone else follow....oh yes - people posted replies they must get it, WHAT is wrong with me that I can't figure out what that is she's talking about. But today when I came back to read it one more time and saw what you posted above it was light a lightbulb went off in my attic and it was THEN that I realized that what to me seems like 1,000 thoughts in your brain really IS 1000 thoughts just abridged version.

I think that is cool - I think you're amazing and I'm glad you shared your thoughts - someone here will see that and recognize it in someone they love and things will for them (like me) make a LOT more sense.

-MANY HUGS -
Thanks again -
Star

 

[dreamer]

There is a name for it, but at the moment I cannot remember what- for manic writing.
I find if I am manic, and I TRY to type it (or handwrite it) out, it helps me settle inside myself. Yes, it truly IS 1,000 thoughts, and yes, they really DO race thru my head, trying to crowd each other out-----
I live hypomania.....usually a little less intense than last nite- and have all my life.....You will notice, I often have difficulty prioritizing or organizing what I wriite? thats becuz all those thoughts are inside my head like bumper cars at a carnival- and none of them, even the very important ones, manage to really show up as being any more important than any other. It is thru putting them out where I can SEE them myself, that I can begin to try to see what I am REALLY thinking and what is TRULY important.
AND when others ask uqestions of what is spewing forth, it helps me focus more on each thing.

I always think a person who is new to hypomania must feel very overwhelmed, and it must feel like pure chaos has taken over in their head. But becuz I have lived with it ALL my life, I sometimes think if you slowed it down too much on me, I might get very scared by that....becuz I HAVE grown used to my head being so busy.

Yes, folks- my posts early in this thread are hypomania in action....spurred a little by my fear (my health issues) and a little by being in race track traffic (the activity level of the rush hour crazy traffic sparked me to also speed up internally)
SOmetimes - if my husband is in a good place himself- the simple word "coffee" to him from my mouth- and he takes me out to a coffee shop just me and him--where he lets me just blab nonstop to vent it out, and let it wind down. he does not even TRY to make sense of it, mostly just sits there nodding every now and then. LOL.

ANyone else? I am SURE I make them goofy if they try to listen.....becuz it IS all jumbled. It truly is opening the floodgates and letting so much out all at once.

I LOL even at myself, becuz..well, I tried so many many medications over the years and they did not help AT ALL andoften made it WORSE..so might as well accept it, learn to live with it and TRY to find a way to take positive advantage of it.


Does that help any? by the way, my kids find it amuseing, entertaining.and sometimes even fun......I think it has helped them to grow a quick wit? They can come up with some very snappy quick comebacks and usually they can keep up with their ever changeing topics mom.

Now, also- some of the posts in this thread, I was typing more, at the same time people were posting replies to me, so some of my posts, I did not see replies until after I had posted more. (does that make sense?)

 

[TerryJ2]

Dreamer, you've got a LOT on your plate, but I have to admit, when I got to the part about your eyeglass lenses popping out onto your lap, I burst out laughing.
It was so unexpected, and it really sounded like something in a sitcom.

All that aside, I like the idea that this dr got you up and walking and for that reason I'd stick with-him. I would not fault him for getting on your case about smoking because that's what doctors do--get on your case about bad health habits.
My OBGYN was on my case for 15 yrs to get a mammogram. I never did. When I finally got one, guess what--I had cancer. (Thank d*G he didn't say "I told you so!" LOL)
Also, I couldn't tell if your dr's comment about your being bipolar was sarcastic or legit, but frankly, if you're on prednisone and other medications, it would be very difficult to get an accurate diagnosis. Predisone makes everyone seem bipolar. Most of us here have been on it and it's not pleasant! FWIW.
And that truck driver---I was all set to type in a word here but I know it will be censored--all I can say is put it behind you. There's a famous story about that, I think one of Stephen King's first ones? The whole thing is about a guy who is being followed by a truck driver. That's the whole plot. Scary as h*ll.
But you have to put it behind you now. Get your glasses fixed, wait for the snow to melt, and buy some soft music CDs to listen to for those long trips.
There ARE some things in life you can control.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I just saw your note about hypomania.
Funny, I just got a massage and the therapist said she gets like that and it helps her to exercise. Heck, I am recovering from the flu (going on Week 3) and can't exercise because I'm still getting dizzy spells ... so like you, I type and/or talk.
But I would agree, in general, that exercise really does help sort out the thoughts and calm things down.
I like the way you phrased how ALL the thoughts are EQUAL and you need to sort out priorities. That's very important.
MY husband hates how I hop from subject to subject but frankly, I think it's half my "hypomania" and half the fact that he's a workaholic and I feel like I have to squish and telescope every little thing into a rapid-fire conversation--albeit one sided--just to give him all the info I think he needs.
It's not fun. I'm glad your family thinks it's funny. At least you've got that going for you. More power to you.