Not sure what to do...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by JMT, Jul 20, 2011.

  1. JMT

    JMT New Member

    Currently dealing with a family member who is addicted to prescription drugs. We did an intervention over a year ago, have tried to get him into all different kinds of programs to no avail. He has lost everything to this horrible, business, cars, trucks, boats, wife, child....everything you can possibly imagine.

    He has been living with my parents for the last 10 months and it finally came to a head this past weekend. My parents had to kick him out because we found more prescription drugs that he had stolen and was taking.

    All the articles I read keep saying, don't give up on him, keep the course. He's now out on the street with no money, absolutley nothing. Did we do the right thing? Enough is enough, if he doesn't want to go for help...what are we as a family supposed to do? It's all just so horrible!!!

    Need advice!:sigh:
  2. keista

    keista New Member


    The articles are right. DO NOT GIVE UP ON HIM. But that does not mean you need to enable him either. Be available for if/when he decides he wants to clean up his life, but it MUST be HIS decision.

    Others with more experience in such situations will be along.

    Welcome to the board.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Welcome! My daughter is a drug addict. Of course, she doesn't think she is, but she is. The last instance I found a meth laden pipe in her room. We had to give her the ultimatum of going to rehab if she wanted to continue living in our home. She refused. I couldn't allow her to continue living there because all she was doing was going out to party for days on end and only coming to our home to crash, eat and sleep. She had no future, no dreams, no ambition. I am positive if she were still living there we would still be fighting this battle if she was still alive and the rest of the family would continue to suffer.
    I still offer rehab and sober living. All the time. I make sure she knows that we love her and are willing to help her when she is finally ready. She is still not ready. Now, I have given her food, and I am buying her shoes but I will not give her cash. I make sure she knows their are options to how she is living.
    Unfortunately, you cannot force some one to be sober. They have to want to be. They have to hit bottom and mine has not reached it yet. Not enabling means not preventing them from hitting that bottom. As long as life is comfortable, there is no reason for them to stop.
    I highly suggest Alanon. It is a fine and tricky line detaching with love...
  4. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    Drug Addiction IS horrible!
    My 22 yr old middle child (son) is currently in jail. He got drunk a week ago (and who knows what else) and smashed his hand through his wife's windsheild with my grandbabies in the backseat. My granddaughter got hit in the forehead with a piece of the windsheild glass.
    So son now has this Felony for Reckless Child Endangerment.
    I am hoping this will be his "bottom".

    As stated by others...This beloved family member has to Want the help, has to want to be clean and have a sober life. You can't force it on him...but life's consequences and discomforts can cause him to stop and think at some point hopefully.

    My son is addicted to pain medication as well. He too was living on the streets or off so called "friends" just before this incident last week that got him placed in jail. It was a consequence of his own behavior. While I am sorry my son is where he is...he is alive he is fed and he has been stopped from his reckless behavior and now has a chance to think. We had certainly tried to get him into Sub Abuse program before this happend...but he did not want the help.

    Will be keeping you and your family member in my thoughts and a prayer that yours will wake up soon and get the help he needs.

    Glad you found us!
  5. JMT

    JMT New Member

    Thank you all for your advice and forth coming stories. This is probably the hardest thing my family has had to deal with. None of us can understand it. Why? I know this is just bigger than he is and he thinks he has a "handle" on it. He has been stealing things to pawn to get money and god knows from who.

    He was at my home on Sunday and stole my sons prescription medications...I can't for the life of me figure out when he's going to hit rock bottom. I thought by losing everything he's ever had would do it, but I'm wrong! What else can he possibly loose to get it? His life? He's out there somewhere, with nothing. I'm anxiously awaiting a horrible phone call.

    I truly hope he lands himself in jail. Only there can he start to sober up and maybe, just maybe want to make a change. I'm so afraid for him and my family. It's all just so sad!!!
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Yes, we all do pray for daughter has had a warrant out for her and has yet to be caught. She will be 18 in two months, and has lost everything as well. She has been thrown out of school, has no job, lives in someone's basement and has well, nothing. We have a beautiful home, a normal family - why she would throw that all away is beyond me. I will never, ever understand.

    Take care of yourself and always hide those types of things when he comes over - lock them up if you can.
  7. JMT

    JMT New Member

    Thank you! I wish you well with your all just breaks my heart. It amazes me that something can have such power over someone. I did have it very well hidden. We had a family cookout and I found him upstairs in my bathroom ... lord knows how long he was up there routing around...we are wiping our hands from him until he decides to get help. I hope he will come to his senses. I'm not feeling too optimistic at this point. I can't even imagine what dark world he's living in right now. Makes me sick to even think about it.
  8. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Count me as another one that thinks it was the right to choice for your family to remove your loved one from living in their home. Accountability in addicts is likely not going to happen until well into sobriety. Protecting your family and also refusing to enable the addict are important steps to guiding one to bottom with love and support. Good job on all of you and your compassion and caring rings true.

    My sister in law has a prescription drug addiction (opiate medications and sleeping pills). She too has lost so much. Nearly her marriage and children although even without having lost them completely the damage is huge and going to take a long time to repair. Some of the extended family have enabled in various degrees and some of us (myself and my S/O, this is his sister I speak of) put limits on contact and tough loved her with our approach. Ultimately S/O and I had to completely disallow her to be in on our lives to any degree. No visits, calls, emails, contact of any kind. We have however told her that when she's ready to get help and is making positive steps forward in recovery we can work to establish a new type of relationship as we love her very much, support her going into recovery 100% and wish her all of the best. She recently claims to be on doctor supervised methadone but from what we hear, believes that is all that is required to magically get her entire life back where it was. She remains clueless to the damage within the family and her personal relationships, clueless to what it is going to truly take to reestablish her life and relationships. We recently had to tell her congratulations on the methadone however seeing as you are still in denial as to the effect on your life and others and unwilling to work on fixing all that goes with the problems she created, we at this time must continue to refuse contact. Again we said we love her, support her, wished her luck, reminded her when she was in true RECOVERY (different from newfound doctor assisted sobriety) we are open to a slow approach in establishing a healthy new form of a relationship. We also said it won't be like before, it will be a new way of being in her life and must be healthy for us as well as for her.

    I think your family is doing what is needed at this time for all involved, yourselves and your loved one.
  9. JMT

    JMT New Member

    My brother was also on Methodone for quite a long time trying to get off the prescription medications. However, that too, becomes another addiction. I can't for the life of me understand how they are supposed to get "clean" by just adding another drug to the mix. Makes NO sense! Clean is clean!

    I've had lenghthy conversations with my brother's counsler at the Meth clinic and he proceeds to tell me that he has to be on this or he will suffer a massive heartattack .. his body needs it...he can't go off cold! I told him I think he's full of S***....if we get him off of it, you loose a customer! It's a money maker for these clinics!

    We finally got him to a treatment center last September and they took him off the Methodone, he did NOT suffer a massive heartattack, withdrawl yes, but survived!! Since then, my family and I have been under the "false" impression that he is making strides to get better and we infact thought he was moving in the right direction.

    My mother covers for him more than we want to believe, he sleeps all day, she does his laundry, makes him all of his meals, gives him money for gas & things and on and on. We have FINALLY convinced her that she is NOT helping him, he needs to leave their home. His actions this past weekend have really opened all of our eyes that he is not really any better than he was over a year ago. The bottom line is he's still using.

    We have given him phone #'s of people who can help him if he wants it. It's so frustrating to want something for someone so badly but you just can't get through to them. He admits he has a problem, but insists he has a handle on it. Wow!

    I believe we should start a rally to hold doctors accountable as well...they hand out pain medication like candy. My 16 year old son had several surgeries this past Spring and the doctor has given me 4 written prescriptions for pain medicine for him. Each time he tried to give me another, I would inform him that I filled ONE BOTTLE, he doesn't need anymore...I try not to give him anything unless he absolutley needs it and only then I give him a 1/2 a pill. Doctor says, just take this just in case! I shredded all of them. WTF!
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    Families anon is a great support when a loved one uses drugs. TABW online. Compassion
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have watched many shows and done some research and I truly believe that people who become addicted to medications and alcohol are medicating some form of either mental illness or personality disorder. I believe this is why there are some people can drink socially and not have any problems and why some people can take prescription drugs for illnesses and not become addicted and then there are others who become addicted almost from the first pill they take or the first drink they drink.
  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    What to do? Hope that he reaches bottom--and it is so hard for us nonaddicts to know what that is. Pray that something reaches through and he achieves full recovery. On Friday my divorce will be final from a man who I tried to help for a long, long time. His drug addiction ended our 23 year marriage and caused his children and I much heart ache--but we didn't matter as much as the drugs did and even though he went into recovery many times he always relapsed. He is now using my insurance to get "clean" using methadone. He looks worse now then he did when he was smoking crack. All of this started with pain medication--but like Janet said, I think he is using to mask some sort or psychological or personality disorder.
  13. orlandog

    orlandog New Member

    Most of these people are really having some underlying problems that they are trying to mask that is why they resort to addiction. some of these problems may have rooted even from his childhood years that he might have been trying to repress that is why it is difficult to resolve such addiction. It is best that you and your child leave and start a new life of your own before he ruins yours as well, especially your child's.

    You don't want and environment that is very troubled for your child since he might end up doing the same thing as your husband. Build a better future for you and your child, atleast you did what you can for your ex husband now its time to move on.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    "Not sure what to do" describes how all of us with addicted loved ones feel. Every family has to find a path that they feel is best and then stick to it. It is literally impossible to make an addict choose to lead a substance free life. Sometimes with an intervention and an immediate plan of available treatment it works....sometimes it doesn't. I don't know how old your relative is or if he has suffered any consequences for his choices. The theory is that most have to "hit bottom" before they embrace the healthy lifestyle. Some addicts hit bottom when faced with homelessness, get picked up and put in jail, feel physically sick all the time etc. Some addicts don't hit bottom no matter what the situation and opt to continue with their poor choices. Reading the posts (old and new) you will get a comprehensive picture of how others are trying to cope. I wish you all the best of luck. DDD