Not sure where to begin...

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Lookingforthelight

Guest
I'm really struggling. I'm not strong. I've spent most of last night and all day today bawling. I mean downright ugly cry.

I can feel immense pain in my heart. None of what I'm doing feels right. And I'm scared my daughter hates me.

Someone please tell me this gets easier! Because right now, I honestly don't feel like I'm going to make it. I want to give up on life. And I feel guilty feeling this way because of my younger daughter. But my head tells me she'll be better off without me too.

Sorry for being such a downer. I suffer from anxiety which I now think has turned to full blown depression.

I want to get out of my own head, even for 5 minutes.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Dearest Lookingforthelight, this is the hardest, hardest part of this journey.
I'm really struggling. I'm not strong. I've spent most of last night and all day today bawling. I mean downright ugly cry.
It is okay, let it out. You are stronger than you think you are. This is not the way any of us would imagine our beloveds leaving our homes. This grief does come on hard in the beginning and softens with time.
I can feel immense pain in my heart. None of what I'm doing feels right. And I'm scared my daughter hates me.
I know the pain you write of, Looking. It is contrary to our nurturing instinct to make our adult children leave our homes. You did not have a choice. Your home was turned into a war zone, with your daughter doing as she pleased. This is no way for anyone to live.
Your daughter does not hate you. She will be upset that she cannot have her cake and eat it too, but she does not hate you.

Someone please tell me this gets easier! Because right now, I honestly don't feel like I'm going to make it. I want to give up on life. And I feel guilty feeling this way because of my younger daughter. But my head tells me she'll be better off without me too.
As time passes you will go through many different emotions. It does get easier dear. This too shall pass. Hang in there. When I hit this incredible low point, I went onto YouTube and searched through sad songs and let it all out with the music flowing through me. I wrote it out here, and was helped tremendously by writing and reading the kind responses. Keep posting Looking. We all understand this immense pain.
Sorry for being such a downer. I suffer from anxiety which I now think has turned to full blown depression.

I want to get out of my own head, even for 5 minutes.
Honey there is no need to apologize for expressing your true feelings. That is what this site is for. Please know there is nothing you write that would shock anyone. We have all hit very very low spots with the grief of this. Please know that you are held. My heart goes out to you and I wish for you to let all of this out, let the pain wash out of your system. You will get through this to the other side. One day, one step at a time.
Tender (((hugs))) for your hurting mommy heart, from one mom to another
leafy
 
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Lookingforthelight

Guest
Thank you Leafy. Sincerely.

I'm grateful for your words, it's keeping me going right now.

I just want the pain to end and healing to begin. But I've been told I need to be patient.

Thank you again.
 

SuperG

Member
Hi Looking :)

I wish I had the time and mental energy to share my story (and updates for a few of you who've read my original posts). I can't seem to put it all out there...

Just KNOW that you're not alone. I can relate to every single thing you've said. All of it. The fears, sadness, disappointment, questions, dashed dreams....

Yes, it does get easier, but there will still be days where you struggle. That's when you will find some peace and comfort here. This group has helped me so much. I post very little, but I'm here often.

Sending love, and hugs and prayers your way.
 

Janie67

New Member
I can relate to everything in your post. Our situations sound similar. My son is 18 and out of control, causing so much stress and drama in the family with his behavior and actions. I, too, feel so much embarrassment and shame over his behavior. My husband and I avoid many social situations where we may be asked about our son, or we just can't bear to hear how wonderful our friends' kids are doing when our son has become such a huge disappointment. I'm so happy I have just recently found this forum and can see I am not alone with our issues and my feelings. Our son has such potential, but is throwing it all away in large part because of prescription drug usage (Xanax) and marijuana, and he is showing signs of mental health issues. We have a significant family history of mental health issues on both sides of the family. My anxiety and depression have become so severe that most nights I go to bed praying I will not wake up in the morning, and when I do wake up the anxiety and chest pains start the minute I open my eyes. We also have a 24 year old son going through multiple mental health issues although not the same or as severe as the 18 year old. Also two daughters a 29 year old and also a 16 year old who thankfully are doing well and are the only reason I don't just give up and move to another state. I ask myself every day how things could have gone so wrong with my sons. The guilt is unbearable. My 16 year old daughter has had to live in the house with all the chaos and drama going on with my 18 year old son, and even though she never says it, I know he is an embarrassment to her as well since they both go to the same high school. My son did finish high school in December (thank God). He started a few classes at the local community college, but has had to drop one so far because he was failing it. My heart goes out to you and everyone else in this discussion. Hopefully things will get better for all of us. I try to remember "this too, will pass", but pray it doesn't pass because something horrible has happened to either one of my sons.
 

UpandDown

Active Member
lookingforthelight, I hope you are feeling better today. I am truly sad for your pain. Its agonizing to watch someone you love so much struggle. Please be kind to yourself and know you are not alone. That there are so many of us here rooting for you.
 
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Lookingforthelight

Guest
Hi all

Thank you for checking in. I'm "ok". Yesterday was better than the day before so I'm clinging to the positives.

I need to get some things out. This may be long and rambling and if you happen to read it all, thank you.

I've been doing A LOT of reading (52 pages of this forum along with googling other things) the past two days. I've discovered some things or at least I think I have.

I am co-dependent. I was with my mom (her problems were my problems) and I am with my Difficult Child. I wanted so bad for my daughter to be perfect and have a perfect life that I have spent her entire life living it for her. From doing her school work, to dealing with friend problems or boy problems, to dealing with problems at her work. You name it, I took it on like it was mine to own. She has suffered consequences (she stole a car when she was 14 and we had her charged, and when she was pregnant she was faced with the decision on how to move forward) but for the most part, I'm running behind her cleaning up the disaster she left behind. I can't and do not blame her for this. I blame me and it makes me sick to think that I created this "monster" and now I'm setting her "free" with no coping skills. I didn't do all these things for her with ill intent. I realize I did these things because I never wanted her to hurt or be scared or disappointed like I was when I was growing up. And all I did was damage her because I was damaged too. I am sure I suffer with mental illness (have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), PTSD, depression and mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies) Drugs haven't worked so well with me, and like I said before I was doing therapy but stopped because of the cost. My heart is in AGONY when someone I love is struggling. Be it my husband, Difficult Child or easy child. I obsess with how to fix it, I offer advice (way too much advice, I can't drop it until they do something) and then when that crisis is diverted I move to the next one. Does anyone else go through this - I suppose it's a different forum but it relates to my Difficult Child.

Anyways, I feel terrible for throwing my kid out, but I know that this is her only shot of being a successful & happy adult if she's away from me to make mistakes and deal with the consequences on her own without my interference. My mom died when I was 20 and I looked after her for years before that so I had no choice but to sink or swim. I love my mom, but the best thing that ever happened to me was her dying.

I suppose it sounds like I'm shifting "blame" on to myself and that's not what I'm intending to do. Difficult Child has been abusive, a chronic liar, manipulative and now a thief - she needs to own that. And I know I raised her knowing right from wrong - for 3 days after stealing the money, she was very nice (& almost needy) and kept asking if I was mad at her - guilt. She is always like that when she's done something wrong that she knows I'll be upset about.

I've read about Borderline (BPD). I actually think I have it too to some degree. What upsets me most is learning that it can be caused by abusive or neglectful parenting. I think I was neglectful in that I was always busy working, doing school or wanting a social life. I admit there were times I resented my precious child and my circumstances of having no support. I was TIRED and suffering and young. I can't change the past but I'm not sure how to move forward with all the regrets I have.

Is there hope for me and my kid? I mean I'm in my forties! I've been like this all my life! I'm going to my doctor and going back to my therapist to work on getting through this and learning a healthy way of detaching. I have Co-Dependent No More and will read it. Will our relationship survive this? I haven't talked to her since Friday. My husband is convinced she'll ask to come home eventually but how do I explain why she can't come home?

I don't know what else to say at this point. All I ever wanted was health and happiness for my girl and to have a close relationship and now there's none of that.

I'm sad.
 
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Lookingforthelight

Guest
Sorry one other thing. I look at finding out about the missing money as a blessing. It was the catalyst for me to take action as I can't live with someone who steals from me. It's just that this process has opened up so much more in me that I would've rather kept locked away, probably because it's so painful to face. It's sometimes easier to stay stuck I suppose but that means I was keeping my daughter stuck too.
 
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Lookingforthelight

Guest
I can relate to everything in your post. Our situations sound similar. My son is 18 and out of control, causing so much stress and drama in the family with his behavior and actions. I, too, feel so much embarrassment and shame over his behavior. My husband and I avoid many social situations where we may be asked about our son, or we just can't bear to hear how wonderful our friends' kids are doing when our son has become such a huge disappointment. I'm so happy I have just recently found this forum and can see I am not alone with our issues and my feelings. Our son has such potential, but is throwing it all away in large part because of prescription drug usage (Xanax) and marijuana, and he is showing signs of mental health issues. We have a significant family history of mental health issues on both sides of the family. My anxiety and depression have become so severe that most nights I go to bed praying I will not wake up in the morning, and when I do wake up the anxiety and chest pains start the minute I open my eyes. We also have a 24 year old son going through multiple mental health issues although not the same or as severe as the 18 year old. Also two daughters a 29 year old and also a 16 year old who thankfully are doing well and are the only reason I don't just give up and move to another state. I ask myself every day how things could have gone so wrong with my sons. The guilt is unbearable. My 16 year old daughter has had to live in the house with all the chaos and drama going on with my 18 year old son, and even though she never says it, I know he is an embarrassment to her as well since they both go to the same high school. My son did finish high school in December (thank God). He started a few classes at the local community college, but has had to drop one so far because he was failing it. My heart goes out to you and everyone else in this discussion. Hopefully things will get better for all of us. I try to remember "this too, will pass", but pray it doesn't pass because something horrible has happened to either one of my sons.

Janie67, thank you for reaching out. I have no words of wisdom. They only thing I can tell you is that I understand every word you wrote. The not wanting to wake up in the morning is something I too, feel every day. It's hard as moms not to take blame for how or kids have turned out. In my case, my husband didn't come into my Difficult Child's life until she was 9. So, in my mind, I created my problem child and I give all the credit to my husband for how my easy child has turned out. I have wanted (and begged) my husband to move somewhere new all weekend. A fresh start. I also find myself wishing away knowing my Difficult Child. Like somehow, if I could just forget she existed, I could then move forward. I feel terrible for thinking that. I also feel terrible for wondering why I have to go through this? I try to remind myself that my Difficult Child is struggling too, that this is her story, but it's hard to think that way when your kids are such a huge part of your life, and are essentially an extension of you.

It's been helpful to read this forum Janie67 and I hope you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. I truly feel for you, and all of us here. Are your boys still in your house?
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Dear, sweet Looking, I am glad you are feeling a bit better today. It is hard when our d cs have to leave our homes because of their choices, it just leaves this big empty hole with lots of feelings to process. Especially if you are used to cleaning up the "mess" after years and years. My daughter was pregnant at 15 and ended up having her child, and two more after. This kept us very involved for a long time. It was hard both ways, them home with us, and then not.
I obsess with how to fix it, I offer advice (way too much advice, I can't drop it until they do something) and then when that crisis is diverted I move to the next one. Does anyone else go through this - I suppose it's a different forum but it relates to my Difficult Child.
What you have written here is appropriate for this forum, it gives a complete picture of what you are going through. I think we are all obsessive when it comes to our d cs. We are mothers, and we just want things to be right for our beloved children. As we see them making these mistakes, taking chances, making one bad choice then another, we get caught up with trying to fix things. I think we have all gone through this to different degrees.
I suppose it sounds like I'm shifting "blame" on to myself and that's not what I'm intending to do. Difficult Child has been abusive, a chronic liar, manipulative and now a thief - she needs to own that. And I know I raised her knowing right from wrong - for 3 days after stealing the money, she was very nice (& almost needy) and kept asking if I was mad at her - guilt. She is always like that when she's done something wrong that she knows I'll be upset about.
When we decide that we have had enough, that our d cs are effecting the whole household and our lives so detrimentally that we have no other choice but to have them leave, it brings up a lot of emotions. We role back the tapes of our mothering and search for answers. We are only human, I can find lots of incidences where I wish that I had done a better job. But, we are only human, and did the best job we could at the time. What it really equates to is the choices our kids make as young adults, the disregard for us, our homes that really give us no other alternative. I don't think you are shifting blame, just processing all that has occurred and wishing things were different. But, unfortunately, they are not. What was happening in your home with your daughter there, was toxic. It is unfair for anyone to be living in a home, breaking rules, lying and stealing. If the kids stay in our homes with this going on, it only gets worse. Someone has to draw the line.
Will our relationship survive this? I haven't talked to her since Friday. My husband is convinced she'll ask to come home eventually but how do I explain why she can't come home?
Your relationship will most probably survive this more so than if your daughter continued to live at home. This is her chance to grow into becoming a responsible person. This is a clear message to her that you will not tolerate to be disrespected or mistreated. Her actions in your home were unacceptable. What else could you have done?
It is up to you, Looking, what you do next. I had to make my daughter leave at 18, she was similar to yours. Involved with the wrong type of friends, drinking, partying, not helpful. There was no other choice. She found a job and couch surfed, lived with a boyfriend. We let her come back home a few times and found that she backslid at home. Continued to view being home as some sort of "vacation". So we asked her to leave again. The same for my other d c with kids. We had a "revolving door" situation, trying to help, with the same results, backsliding and a feeling of entitlement. It was crazy.
Your story may be different. Each of us have unique situations and handle our journeys the best way we can at the time. None of us are experts, just parents who are on this same journey at different places along the path. It is important to understand that at this point, it is the hardest place to be in. So many different feelings we go through. Try not to "awfullize" and think about the absolute worse case scenario. It is quite possible that your daughter will buck up and do what she needs to do. If that doesn't happen, then deal with whatever comes, as it comes. That is why one day, one step at a time is the best way to view this. Slow....way....down. Our minds can race with the despair of this. Be very kind and gentle with yourself. I am glad that you will go back to a therapist to help you. It is important to try to focus on you. How do YOU move forward to help strengthen yourself. We do the best for our children, by trying to be our best selves. From there, we can make better decisions.
Remember, we are talking about loving detachment, not coldly cutting our d cs off. I am a bit Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), too and swung far the other way. My two went no contact with me while hard, it was also a blessing, because it gave me time to really think things through.
Try not to peer off into the future, the end of the story is not written.
One thing that helped me was to say "I cannot have this in my home." I also focused on my young son, he deserved peace after all of the years dealing with his sisters and our grands.
I also tell myself that my two are out there finding their purpose and meaning, that they are very capable of living their own lives. Anything you can do to build up your armory and strengthen yourself is important. Alanon, naranon, websites, books. The focus is on building your own skills to deal appropriately for you in this situation. If your daughter calls, and you still need a break from speaking with her, that is fine. The focus is on your heart and your peace of mind. It is up to you. You decide what happens. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. You can tell her that her actions in your home were unacceptable and she is fully capable of finding her way. That you have faith in her abilities. Where you go from here is your choice. No one here can tell you what to do. We are just here to offer kindness and understanding, and give advice from our perspective. The rest is up to you. There is no judgement here.

I don't know what else to say at this point. All I ever wanted was health and happiness for my girl and to have a close relationship and now there's none of that.
That is now. That is understandable, considering what you have been through. I believe our d cs keep on pushing the limits and boundaries with us, because we are their parents, they think we will continue to allow the craziness of it all. They take our relationship for granted. It becomes a one sided, abusive situation. Not right. Unacceptable. If we do not teach these kids how to treat us properly, who will? It is up to us to set these limits. otherwise they wreak havoc in the home and don't grow up. It is like living with an out of control 13 year old. Except, they are not 13, we have no control over them even legally. The only control we have, is over ourselves. I believe, the more we allow, the more they push, the less they respect us. No relationship worth having can work without respect. You are teaching your daughter that you deserve and expect respect.
I look at finding out about the missing money as a blessing. It was the catalyst for me to take action as I can't live with someone who steals from me.
It was a blessing, Looking. We can't live with people, even our own beloveds, who have no boundaries when it comes to us. It is like domestic violence and abuse, but it is coming from our child. That is hard. Hurtful. Devastating. But, somehow, we have to overcome all of that and stand up to say no more. Love says no. Love says "I will not be treated this way." That is self love, not selfishness. If we cannot love ourselves and have self respect enough to protect ourselves, then neither can our d cs, for themselves, or us. What you are doing now is hard, but it is a very valuable lesson to your daughter. We do not bite the hands that feed us, or burn bridges by mistreating our parents.
It's just that this process has opened up so much more in me that I would've rather kept locked away, probably because it's so painful to face. It's sometimes easier to stay stuck I suppose but that means I was keeping my daughter stuck too.
You are absolutely right Looking, this opens up some very old wounds. It did for me too. I thought I had processed stuff I grew up with and moved on, turns out I didn't. I began exploring my past in the FOO forum, with some other members. It was very freeing, to get that stuff out. Yes, easier to keep locked away, but really, those old feelings coming up meant for me that I didn't deal with them sufficiently, that it was still effecting my life. I wondered too, if it had effected my parenting. You are more than welcome to post there too. It helps to write out the pain and have others respond. If you are not comfortable there, certainly you may wish to address it with your therapist. It is all a part of trying to regain yourself back. Being able to deal with all of this comes from building up to our best selves. From there, we can develop the skills we need to continue this journey as warrior moms. What you will find, is that the battle really is about regaining ourselves back because so much is lost along the path of dealing with d cs. Many have found that we have lost so much of ourselves. The stronger you are, the better you are equipped to really help your daughter. I think the best thing we can do for our kids is show them how to be their best selves, by striving to be our best selves.
You are going to be okay, Looking. One day, one step at a time. The good folks here are with you as you walk this path. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
You are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
My heart goes out to you and everyone else in this discussion. Hopefully things will get better for all of us. I try to remember "this too, will pass", but pray it doesn't pass because something horrible has happened to either one of my sons.
Hi Janie67, welcome to the forum. So sorry for your troubles with your sons that have led you to us. It is a good place to be for folks like us who are dealing with a very tough journey. It was wonderful of you to respond here on Lookings thread. Thank you so very much for sharing your story and offering comfort. It helps to know that we are not alone in dealing with the choices of our d cs. When I respond to posts, I am writing to myself as much to others, reaffirming my own course along the pathway. It has helped me very much to be here.
When you feel up to it, please consider posting your story on a separate thread. More members will see that you are here as a new member and will welcome you and respond to your story.
I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart.
:welcomecat:
You are not alone, dear.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
 

JJNeedsHelps

New Member
...I wish I had not let her back 4 years ago. But I wanted to believe that "this time" will be different. It's so hard seeing what she's doing and not being able to stop it. This is just a never ending vicious cycle and I need to break it....Honestly it blows my mind how she fools people. I can assure you, we are the only people who see this side of her. I'm having a hard time believing there is a disorder of some sort as she controls herself really well around others....

Wow! I'm new to this forum too. I'm reading your posts and I feel like you are talking about my house and my daughter. I've come here looking for some help too because it's just to overwhelming to live with an out-of-control child (or adult!)

I'll be following your thread to see how your situation progresses.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am curious... Some of your DCs behavior is similar to my DCs. You said when she was young, you liked to party and drink. Did you drink during the pregnancy? I am only asking, not to cause guilt or blame, but because my Dcs biomom drank heavily during the first half of the pregnancy. My Difficult Child was recently diagnosed with symptoms probably related to fetal alcohol consumption. 18 years ago, there was not much info, at least that I had heard, about alcohol use during pregnancy. My daughter has an average IQ, but poor working memory and processing speed. She struggled in school. Very impulsive. Could not retain math facts. Always anxious and easily agitated. But, she has good verbal skills and can talk a good talk to the professionals. I struggle with how to handle things with her. No one really sees the person she reveals to us. ksm
 
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Lookingforthelight

Guest
I am curious... Some of your DCs behavior is similar to my DCs. You said when she was young, you liked to party and drink. Did you drink during the pregnancy? I am only asking, not to cause guilt or blame, but because my Dcs biomom drank heavily during the first half of the pregnancy. My Difficult Child was recently diagnosed with symptoms probably related to fetal alcohol consumption. 18 years ago, there was not much info, at least that I had heard, about alcohol use during pregnancy. My daughter has an average IQ, but poor working memory and processing speed. She struggled in school. Very impulsive. Could not retain math facts. Always anxious and easily agitated. But, she has good verbal skills and can talk a good talk to the professionals. I struggle with how to handle things with her. No one really sees the person she reveals to us. ksm

Hi Ksm, I know I did drink when I was pregnant with her but that was before I knew I was pregnant. As soon as I figured out I was pregnant all drinking stopped. I missed one period I believe. I purchased all the books and was honest with my dr that I did drink before I knew. I wasn't an every day drinker, I was a weekend binge drinker (I was 20 years old at the time). My ob wasn't concerned that I had caused any damage but I suppose you're right, less was known back then. I did smoke and I lived with smokers (please no judgement--I beat myself up enough over that). But how you describe your daughter is very similar to my daughters struggles. Her bio dad had the same struggles when he was younger, with school etc. he moved from his house at 16 and lived on his own & supported himself. His parents are alcoholics and sadly he is one too still to this day.

I am terrified I caused my daughter damage! If I could turn back time I would've done things so differently.

Is there hope for her to be able to work past her struggles? I now feel like I've set her up to fail before she was even born.
 
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Lookingforthelight

Guest
I was very stressed out during my pregnancy. Her dad & gparents were drinking all the time. I had no family. I left him a few times during my pregnancy. Could stress cause issues?
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am sorry, I didn't mean to add more hurt and frustration. It is just that the more I learn about FASD and ARND, the better I am able to rationalize my DCs behavior and respond a little differently to her. For example, "can't not won't". My daughter probably can't do some things that I expect her to do. It's not that she "won't". She wants to do better, she just isn't capable of making right choices. With many mental or behavior issues, we affect how they are going to react, because we react! It is a vicious circle. I am not saying you caused any damage to your daughter, maybe it is a genetic thing from her dad...maybe life situations has colored her expectation of the world... About the only thing we can change...is ourselves. And some kids mature later...like at 25 to 30! I would not tell my child that they can never return to our home. But I could tell them, you can't come home until things change, and things don't change overnight! They need to have some successes for a while to prove that they are doing better. Try to meet on middle ground, in public.

One thing that helped my son, when he went thru his addiction issues, is I was tired of all our time together ending with arguments. I tried to stop before things escalated, and ended all calls with "I love you and I am praying for you" which he usually thanked me for. I didn't want him to ever overdose and die, knowing my last words to him were harsh and hateful. It took time. And he is good now. And we are good. But, oh, just typing these words brings back all the fear and pain of that difficult time. I wanted him to change, I wanted things to get better, but most of all, I wanted him to know I loved him, no matter what.

KSM
 
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