Nothing was filed, yet, but gathered lots of info

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Sep 21, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    We met with the attorney yesterday, intending to file for legal seperation, but didn't end up filing anything yet.

    Once she explained the entire process, which I had all wrong, I felt I wasn't ready to file for anything yet.

    I didn't really know what legal seperation is. Someone told me, and this is why I have to stop listening to so many people and find out facts, that you have to be legally seperated for 90 days before you can even file for divorce. She explained that legal seperation is the same thing as divorce, except you file legal seperation for insurance reasons, etc. She also explained to both of us that no matter what we think should happen, as far as splitting everything 50/50, a judge will rule in the end what he feels is in the best interest of both of us. So I no longer need to worry about what he thinks he should get and what I really will get. She explained that after 27 years of marriage everything will be divided evenly no matter what either one of us thinks.

    As far as the accounts we have, checking etc., I'm not keeping too much money in them. I don't think he would try and drain anything because it would effect his business, but I'm only leaving what I need to in there.

    So we agreed to remain seperated, each continue our own counseling and not file for anything until we have had enough time and space to decide what each of us wants to do with our lives and if it's not going to be together, then we will file for divorce. I know either one of us can change this at any time. If he continues to do stupid things and I decide I'm through, then I'll file and have him served. I am not ready yet to get divorced and start splitting things up. I've had too many major changes in my life in the past month and I am no where near ready yet to make another one. I'm looking at the Spring, at least, before I'm going to know what I want, or don't want.

    Thanks for all your thoughts yesterday, as always.
  2. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    No harm in waiting a bit, good to gather as many facts as you can. My atty advised me, back in the day, to copy several years worth of Tax Returns.

    One thing my atty never told me, about division of property? Banks do not care what Courts rule. Banks only care who's signatures are on the Loans.

    My DEX quit paying the house loan and the car loan, & I had two banks sending me Garnishment orders!! A banker friend of mine clued me in. My decree said "hold forever harmless therefrom" regarding these loans, but it didn't hold water with the banks.

    I wish I would've asked my atty about those details, so there's one more question you could consider getting an answer to.

  3. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Sounds like you have thought it through and it makes sense to wait to be sure. You have 27+ years invested it wouldnt be right if it were that easy to just end it. I think this is a good idea.

  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: PonyGirl</div><div class="ubbcode-body">One thing my atty never told me, about division of property? Banks do not care what Courts rule. Banks only care who's signatures are on the Loans.

    My DEX quit paying the house loan and the car loan, & I had two banks sending me Garnishment orders!! A banker friend of mine clued me in. My decree said "hold forever harmless therefrom" regarding these loans, but it didn't hold water with the banks.

    I wish I would've asked my atty about those details, so there's one more question you could consider getting an answer to.

    Peace </div></div>

    I pay ALL the bills. So they will continue to get paid on time. If and when we get divorced, he is going to keep the house and buy me out. My name will come off the mortgage and then it will be his problem if he doesn't pay. We don't have any other loans, so I that is the only thing I would have to worry about.

    I'm not really worried about anything financially anymore. I have the upper hand with all of that.

    I'm comfortable with where we are at right now, so now I feel I can start my healing process and use this time to really do some soul searching :smile:
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    The only way to get your name off the mortgage is for him to refinance in his name only. The bank will not take your name off simply because he bought you out. He'll have to refinance.
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Thanks. We will have to figure that out if and when the time comes.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Its amazing how the laws vary from state to state.

    I have been legally separated going on 14 years. I opted to stay in this no mans land due to Ca divorce laws :smile: A few of my considerations to do this was that the house was in my name - gifted to me during escrow, along with an ok to pay the house payments out of my paycheck which was community property, and I was told the court didn't care - they could make me sell it and give him half the proceeds, or make me pay him half of any house payment that was made on it.

    And of course, during separation, I DIDN"T have to pay alimony to him - to the tune of 1,550 a month. Yeah, right, the man has an allergic reaction to the word JOB. I just thought I would wait till he got a decent job, then I would file. Am still waiting LOL Its bad enough he gets half my social security since we were married for more than 10 years. Its only this year that he works full time for Goodwill

    And there was always the plus of having everything frozen, meaning neither one of us could do anything with community property, like empty bank accounts, my 401 K (which is community property but frozen at the amount that was in there 14 years ago - none of my contributions since then are fair game for him. If he went out and started running up bills, I wasn't responsible.

    I even paid for him to see an attorney of his choice thinking we could do this on an amicable basis. All they sorta suggested is no, she can't have the house, what, she is keeping the Mercedes as well, she needs to be paying you whats rightfully yours, you get half of everything, and she has to pay us to represent you. He became a victim in the lawyers eyes

    Never mind I gave him the Mercedes ( a real money pit if I have ever seen one), and paid his rent and expenses for two years after he left. He was free to take any contents he wanted. But my anal attitude with the house is that it really belongs to our children. If something happened to me, at least they would have that, cause lord knows they probably would have been living out of the car if left to have him support them.

    We are on a very friendly basis - He actually stayed here for a few months while waiting to move in with roommates. But he is still very irresponsible - to him its good when he makes enough to pay his 250 a month rent and has money to buy beer and some pot, and will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

    When the time comes for me to sell the house, I will give him some money from it, but not half.

  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I think that is exactly the right thing to do, Karen.

    For all you know, the things husband has gotten into lately have more to do with HIS way of coping than with any dissatisfaction with his marriage or his life.

    Stranger things have happened.

    When you write about your husband? You seem to like him very much.

    So I think taking time now is just the right thing to do.

    I think that you should suggest that he have himself checked for STDs.

    Let him think about that one for awhile!

    No telling what he's picked up. :redface:

  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    There are a lot of things I like about husband. Don't know if it's enough to keep us married, but I'm sure it will someday help us to always remain friends.

    Even the attorney said yesterday that she could see by the way we are handling this at the moment, if it remains this ammicable, she could see us being really great friends years from now if we don't remain married.

    Some people make better friends then husband and wife. That was how we started, as friends, 30 years ago.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are happy with the arrangement. I've been worrying
    about his cycle of winter depression and hoping that he will be
    unable to make poor decisions during that tryng time of year for

    We're on your team! DDD
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Karen, this question is more for me than you. Sorry, as I have mentioned I am really pondering this whole marriage thing lately.

    What is it you would be looking for in a husband if it is not what you had with husband?

    If you do not feel like answering it is OK. I get most of my thoughts by observing the people around me.
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I've been worrying
    about his cycle of winter depression </div></div>

    His anxiety level usually hits the roof during the winter, then he looks for everyone to keep him busy and make him happy. Not a good combination with what he is already going through right now. I really hope he sticks to the counseling through these next months so he doesn't continue to look for negative things to fill him up and make him happy.

    He admitted to me that the other night he went out for a few drinks and woke up at 4 in the morning sprawled sideways across his bed, with his boots still on, and doesn't remember getting home, but I know he drove!! What happens next after that is he gets vertigo. He gets this everytime he drinks to the point of not remembering, and he suffers from it for days.

    He has a lot of stuff to work on that I cannot help him with at this point. Hopefully he'll be strong enough to help himself.

    I guess I have to almost see this as detatching from a difficult child. he's making his choices, he has to learn to live with them, and he's the only one who can help himself. I can't allow him to destroy my life in the meantime though, so I need to move on right now and take care of me and detatch from what he is doing to himself.

  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    one legal thought:
    if he were to drink and drive and hurt someone, could you lose everything being that you are still married?
    are you responsible if he over limits a credit card because you are married?
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like you are making careful, responsible, inofrmed decisions, I think it is very wise to give yourself time to deal with everything before you make another major change.

    Gentle hugs, I know this hurts.

  15. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Karen - it really does differ state to state.

    When I went first talked with the attorney, I already knew I wanted the divorce (actually, we had a dissolution). One thing that was required (then) is that before I actually filed the paperwork with the court I had to be living at a different location.
    Our house was a year from being paid off. So, basically, I told him to refinance it for half it's value, and give me that for a downpayment on a new house. I found one 1/4 mile away that the kids could walk back and forth between.
    However, when we went to do the house loans was a riot. We were going to use the same bank for both that had the original mortgage. I arrived for the appointment a little bit early, he arrived over 30 minutes late (typical). We were pretty well done with my loan before he got there. When we started on his loan (I had to sign quit claims because we WERE still married at that point), I was passing all the relavent paperwork to the loan officer, just as I had during my loan. The officer finally asked the ex "What are you going to do without her?" I died laughing!

    Anyway, I pretty much dictated the conditions of the divorce, and he didn't contest them (not that he had reason to). We both had similar amounts in retirement funds, so we signed off on each others and get nothing from those, just our own. We also both had almost identical salaries, and since Ohio requires you to pay child support to them, takes out 2%, then cuts the check, it would have been useless for one or the other of us to pay the $10 a week difference, so no child support. I carry the medical on the kids because he's constantly changing jobs (one of the main reasons for the divorce). I got one car, he got the other. One thing I did "give" him was some property we had in joint names - sold it to him for $1 (it's in Kentucky and you must do some type of financial transaction to change deeds). I haven't any idea what it was worth, but it meant a lot more to him than me, and he couldn't afford to pay me for it.

    I'm just rambling here - but wanting you to know that it CAN be done civil wise. Now, my husband's divorce on the other hand...... she got the huge house, the new car, and his child support was figured not on his pension, but on the last year of his salary, which was 3 years before the divorce. He was left with his pension (half of which went to child support) and a 5th wheel camper. And her salary was in the way over 6 figure range!
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ah, interesting. Sounds like you're doing all the right things, Karen.