now i'm loosing it

[timer lady]

Jen,

Only you know your "line in the sand" when it comes to abusiveness of any sort directed at you or any of your children. I will say, however, it can be one of the hardest things to pull yourself out of when you are feeling so down on yourself; so unsure of your next steps.

And as I see it, you have a plan in place. Talk with therapist, get in to see a good psychiatrist & ask for an evaluation & medications to help you over this difficult time; or if need be for the rest of your life. Either way, it's a plan.

in my humble opinion, a diagnosis, means diddly right now - treat the symptoms; get you functional. Half the time that's how we figure out what's wrong with our difficult children - we treat the symptoms. If it works, it's this - if not, it's that.

Your job, as a parent & caretaker of your children, is to take care of you first. Anyone who drags that down in any way (by the way, my husband is listening here) makes matters worse.

The weekend is looming ahead for you. Do you have anyone you trust who can take your difficult child for the day while you take an entire xanax & see how it affects you? Or tomorrow. See how cutting one in half might help when at work.

Unless the house is killing you to look at - let it go for the time being. Don't let it become a stressor. As long as there is a path to the door in case of fire & food in the house with plumbing that works you are set for the weekend. (If you're like me, you'll do something, like polish the appliances - if it relaxes you, go for it).

If you don't have the money - don't spend it. Go to the library or out for a walk. Start or write in your personal journal.

kt is at respite this weekend - my plan is to stay snuggled under one of my favorite quilts as much as possible & listen to a book on tape while painting.

IOW, take care of yourself. Do get lost in yourself - just begin the healing process.

 

[Jena]

aw thanks so much your so right i woke up today with a hangover from the fit i threw last night, you had to hear me i screamed i yelled i think the neighbors heard me i took two advils and it still hurts. i was out of control i sat up till 3 a.m. and threw a pizza box. he just got quiet whne i did all that. and he went upstairs to go get ready for bed and i followed him and he apologized for pizza box comment and said this doesn't scare me either how your feeling your a strong woman and your going to be ok. i hate when he does that he makes stupid comment and then he is sweet and then i feel horrible. kids weren't home last night older one was but she was sound asleep with ipod in her ears.

your right everything is so magnified right now everything it's insane i'm totally popping a xanax today to see how it feels. he woke me up in the middle of hte night and hugged me he touched my face i'm crying now as i'm writing this.

so today i really want to just stay home lay on couch but if i'm going to fix me i think i should make an effort not to do that. we're going tmrw together to his daught'ers play and ofcourse i have to do our laundry and food shopping to get ready for our week ahead. columbia never called me bk either about my little one and tha'Tourette's Syndrome upsetting me as well.

that's how i feel what you said not letting go of stuff. all i had to say was ok thanks take the box out in the morning but i couldn't instead i totally flipped out as he sat there just shaking his head. then he said ok i don't think you should go on medication's i wnat you to work thru this with a pysch. i said are you kidding me i'm miserable and i need some relief quick. i don't look forward to anything anymore. i used to look forward to our date night i'Tourette's Syndrome tuesdays after i get rin controlled. even that i don't know either. i always have fun we usually pick a diff. rest. each time last time was sushi and we drank saki but that's even loosing it's umph at this point. i think i may ask freinds of mine if i can go stay up at their place on president's day week part of itwith kids it's up in p.a. he'll have house to himeslf i'm sure he'll like that and i can hang with girls. last time we went we had great time.

 

[gcvmom]

He may "hear" that you are depressed and need help, but I don't think he really "gets" what that means about how you really are feeling....

Here's an awesome book my therapist suggested for me: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I've read it and it was very eye-opening because I also came from a verbally/emotionally abusive home growing up and (big surprise) married someone who did as well. It has practical examples of techniques you can use to start changing how you respond to verbal abuse. You can probably find it in the library. I got mine at the local bookstore last month.

 

[Jena]

oh my i read that book i also emailed that woman. it's because of her that i left my marriage. so incredibly eye opening. my ex and i were great at first, yet he was always edgy by the time my little one came and the pressure was on he popped. anyway he used to go at me in such a way i'd walk away totally confused and have absolutely no clue what he was saying or what had just occured. verbal abuse i know this is going to sound strange is far worse than physical. it eats away at your core and your soul in such a horrible way making you feel at least me at the time worthless. he would such such horrible demeaning stuff to me, i got to apoint where i couldn't even cry anymore.

anyway yup great great book. when we go at it it's not like that. he totally upsets me because he's loud to begin with his tone but when he yells i walk away and shut off tha'Tourette's Syndrome my thing. yet i dont' walk away feeling gutted out or anything like i did with my ex. he's called me a witch a few times, nothing worse than that yet. i've called him a few things unfortunately......that i regret in the heat of the moment. our communication skills and way of doing so are so very different also. so we clash on those levels. i just got so mad last night i popped. he felt the medications' would dull what i have to work thru and i said it's only for relief. he then said you have the xanax try that first and then see if you have better control. so i popped one today. wanna hear something strange though i have noticed as of late i was down in dumps last night i pushed myself today to do stuff i filed taxes, went food shopping took my older one out, etc. i was happy i felt happy and light. then tonight i start coming down off the high adn i can feel it creeping in a little bit again that sense of hmmm i'm sitting here alone on saturday night thing.

anyway i'm sorry i always ramble on and on......LOL

 

[happymomof2]

(((Jennifer))), know how you feel. I take xanax as needed. We have a lot of stress in our family right now - difficult child being one of them.

I lost it Thursday morning, I was on the phone with his warden, oops pardon me, his BRT at school and was very short with her and actually hung up on her. I did call back Friday morning and apologized for being short. Did not apologize for what I said cause I meant what I said!

When I left the school after dropping a couple of things off to my son, I totally lost it. Cried all the way to my sisters, vented to her and cried some more - then took 1/2 a xanax.

We are only human. I tend to beat myself up when I have to take a pill because I feel like I can't handle "life". But you know what if that is what is holding me together right now so be it.

Hang in there!

 

[Jena]

i;m sorry to hear that you had a rough time yourself. it is very hard and we are all very strong for our children and sometimes it can al be a bit too much. just when we think we have every ball foating in air perfectly we stop dead in our tracks to realize we need a little help..

hugs to you

Jen

 

[Adrift]

This may seem small but I had panic attacks for many years and a book that helped me a great deal was "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" (don't remember the author). It's old but there is a four step process and information about medications that really helped. Panic is just AWFUL! Hard to concentrate on anything else when you're going through it!

 

[Jena]

thank you for the suggestion i love to read and will find that book. i've been great this weekend she was with her dad got alot accomplished and got a well needed break. yet monday's a coming.........LOL

jen

 

[jenn4anthony]

hi from one jen to another....i think that you are taking the first really important step..you are admitting that you are going through something, and, you want to help yourself for you and your kids. if you dont mind me asking do you go to a counselor or therapy? maybe by going to therapy you can have another outlet for support and you can have more insight into taking the medications, if you choose to. You have a lot going on and the extra support and possibly medications may do you a world of good.

I had postpardume depression after the birth of my Anthony...and i have been on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant Effexor and it has worked wonders for me..i was on lexapro at first worked and then it didnt...good luck and i wish you all the best...hugs and friendship

 

[Jena]

hi jen

yes i do and have doubled down on my visits........lol........

yup i will be traveling to office with xanax in hand, i got a break today from little one so i am feeling a bit calmer. she is very needy and when she is home it is constant work snacks, do this do that it's very rare for there to be a lull where she isn't needing anything. when her dad brought her back this afternoon i saw that sweet little face but there she was asking wanting needing. that's why having chidren that require a little bit more you really do have to take care of yourself if you don't you just burn out. between working full time, taking care of things here just regular stuff cleaning, etc...(you know how it is) then her and doctor's my older one, him.....it's alot. for all of us.

thanks for your support and welcome once again it's a good place to be

Jen