Now that he moved out now what?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Missingmomstatus, May 1, 2016.

  1. Missingmomstatus

    Missingmomstatus New Member

    Our 19 year old son moved out last summer. He attended his first year of college and passed, mainly electives. He started smoking pot and now hash and I'm not sure what more. He moved out when we set the boundary that he could not smoke in our home. We have alto under child as well. The arguments and fighting escalated and finally took my threat and moved out. It shocked me and scared me to death. I felt horrible. However, he has an apartment with several people I don't know and continues to work. We pay his cell, health, car insurance. His car has not run for 6 months and he has borrowed money to "fix" it and it is still not fixed. We just towed it back to our home to repair it and sell it. He is buying a $1000 car from a friend he will make payments on. He has asked if we will pay the coverage. He only calls when he needs something and never comes around. We have asked for him to come visit or go to lunch but something always comes up with him. Through social media I see he is still using and I am confident it is more than pot. I am uncomfortable paying his car insurance knowing he will be driving under the influence and I am done paying for cell phones to post videos of his smoking pot. I feel like I have lost him.
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. I agree about not paying for ins. and cell phone. He is not living on the street and he has a job. He is enjoying his life. You set the boundary and he respected it by leaving. I would stop extending the olive branch. It gives him a lot of power to turn you down. Let him reach out to you to set up a visit/lunch. Try not to make yourself sick by looking at his social media. He is an adult and can choose to thrive or fail miserably.

    There is an article on detachment in one of the forums. I don't recall which one, but it is a good place to start taking your life back.
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome! Is that your picture as your avatar? If so, I recommend changing it for privacy reasons.
    That's your answer right there. He is using you. Stop! Let him be responsible for his own bills. Sell the car and tell him that he is on his own for his phone and car. The only thing that I might consider paying for is his health insurance. Sooner or later he will need rehab and insurance is a godsend for that.

    I agree with pasajes4. The more you reach out to him, the more he will try to hurt you by pulling away. As hard as it will be, give him space to live like an adult and let him see how hard it is. I had to learn the hard way that any support I was giving my daughter was just enabling her.

    One more thing . . . I don't even have a Facebook account so I won't be tempted to see what my daughter is posting. Ignorance is bliss.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
  5. Praecepta

    Praecepta Member

    I vote to stop paying the bills too! If he wants to pay for those things, he can simply stop spending money on drugs. Do tell him that it is because of his drug use that he is being cut off.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This can be touchy.
    If it were my kid, I wouldn't make that point. Rather, if my kid is working and living away from my home, I'm expecting them to be paying their own way. That includes vehicle expenses and phone (and rent and food and utilities and... ).
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with both. Let him pay. I dont believe in helping substance abusers drive. Eventually, just like they do now with alcohol, cops are going to be handing out mucho tickets for pot users e.who test positive while driving. They probably already do. And should. Sorry pot supporters, it slows your reflexes a lot. Yes, I tried it.
     
  8. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Welcome Missingmomstatus, sorry for your need to be here but you are not alone. It's took me a long time to understand this but anything you pay for your son that then allows him to spend his money on drugs. If he is avoiding his family then he is probably using more than marjuana. Many may disagree with me but marjuana was a gateway drug for my son who is now a heroin addict. I learned the hard way, my son is now 23 and currently in rehab. I definitely would advise you not to pay for his car insurance or have the car in your name. I would keep him on your health insurance because if I hadn't my son there's no way I could afford rehab right now. I still provide my son with a phone but I do that for me because it's my lifeline to him. I check his phone records and when he gets out of rehab if I see he is using a phone I provide to contact drug dealers or if he relapses I will be cancelling it. Go to al-anon meetings , this will give you a good support system. I'm sorry for your hurting heart.
     
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