Thank you all for your prayers, ju ju and warm wishes, I so appreciate it and I know it works too!
So, now difficult child is out of jail and has to live out her old life until she can put together the new one. She is still at the nutty roommates place. I've noticed that with each encounter, we are both trying very hard not to just read from the old script, but to forge new territory. Let me tell you, this is not easy! The pull to rescue her is strong. I'm seeing that when we connect and I hear the details of her present life, which are abhorrent to me,( but where she finds herself after years of making bad choices), I feel anxious because I want to fix it, come up with ideas, options, pay for stuff, take care of it. That is what I would do if it were my life. But, it's not. My therapist told me that I have to be careful to not allow any of my difficult child's toxicity into my life. So, with each phone call or encounter, when difficult child starts to tell me the details of her life, I am saying, "I can't listen to this." And she stops.
The other night I called her and she was in the middle of a big drama with the roommate. I would have a heart attack if I were in her life, it's so intense and so filled with stress. I won't bore you with the incredible details, it's a melodrama, but she vented for awhile and then I said, "I'm having trouble listening to this, this is where my stress starts to get to be too much." She began using a technique she learned in her class in jail where you change your thinking in the middle of an intense thought. She did it! She began to calm down. I could continue to talk to her since she had calmed down. She was very proud of herself. I told her what a good job she did. And, she has been consistently doing that. When she does that, I can be present with her and we can connect on a more intimate level because we both aren't wound up in our perspective roles, we are letting go of the old behavior we know so well and taking risks with new behavior.
I recall one of the group therapists telling us that when we step in to rescue them, it is to diminish the stress we are experiencing about their issues. I can see that very clearly now. As I pull myself out of the encounter with her, I feel really weird, shaken, angry, confused and odd. Within a few minutes though, that all settles down and I feel pretty good. I've been rescuing mentally unstable family members since I'm 3 years old, so this may take a bit of time! I feel like these are all tests for both of us to react and respond differently. We're both doing a good job, but it's not easy, it's difficult right in the moment to shift gears, but the payoff once we both do it is really, really good. It makes me feel liberated from the old patterning.
Right now I vacillate between those two poles, being weird while I set boundaries on not allowing anything in that doesn't feel good and feeling GREAT that I have disconnected in a healthy and positive way. I understand that as time goes on I will get better at this and it will all be a natural response.
We have the Psychiatrist evaluation on Wed. I hope my difficult child can hang tough with the roommate until all the ducks are in order. Her car is at my mechanics and he is a sweetheart and fixing a list of repairs and just charging for the parts. She will emerge from this experience up to date in her affairs and as I promised her, on level ground. My hope is that the evaluation will give her medications of some kind to calm her brain down and suggest a therapist who specializes in PTSD or whatever issue she is dealing with. She has a really good head start with the techniques she already is using and she can feel the difference when she doesn't let herself go down the usual intense, dramatic, crazy paths. I believe we are on a healthy path now. It will take some time, but we are both learning to navigate this in a much better and healthier way.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I am taking my life back. We are taking my granddaughter to Kauai in about 3 weeks, which will be a nice rest from all of this stuff. I have these moments of such clarity and peace, it feels good and I look forward to having many more of those.
So, now difficult child is out of jail and has to live out her old life until she can put together the new one. She is still at the nutty roommates place. I've noticed that with each encounter, we are both trying very hard not to just read from the old script, but to forge new territory. Let me tell you, this is not easy! The pull to rescue her is strong. I'm seeing that when we connect and I hear the details of her present life, which are abhorrent to me,( but where she finds herself after years of making bad choices), I feel anxious because I want to fix it, come up with ideas, options, pay for stuff, take care of it. That is what I would do if it were my life. But, it's not. My therapist told me that I have to be careful to not allow any of my difficult child's toxicity into my life. So, with each phone call or encounter, when difficult child starts to tell me the details of her life, I am saying, "I can't listen to this." And she stops.
The other night I called her and she was in the middle of a big drama with the roommate. I would have a heart attack if I were in her life, it's so intense and so filled with stress. I won't bore you with the incredible details, it's a melodrama, but she vented for awhile and then I said, "I'm having trouble listening to this, this is where my stress starts to get to be too much." She began using a technique she learned in her class in jail where you change your thinking in the middle of an intense thought. She did it! She began to calm down. I could continue to talk to her since she had calmed down. She was very proud of herself. I told her what a good job she did. And, she has been consistently doing that. When she does that, I can be present with her and we can connect on a more intimate level because we both aren't wound up in our perspective roles, we are letting go of the old behavior we know so well and taking risks with new behavior.
I recall one of the group therapists telling us that when we step in to rescue them, it is to diminish the stress we are experiencing about their issues. I can see that very clearly now. As I pull myself out of the encounter with her, I feel really weird, shaken, angry, confused and odd. Within a few minutes though, that all settles down and I feel pretty good. I've been rescuing mentally unstable family members since I'm 3 years old, so this may take a bit of time! I feel like these are all tests for both of us to react and respond differently. We're both doing a good job, but it's not easy, it's difficult right in the moment to shift gears, but the payoff once we both do it is really, really good. It makes me feel liberated from the old patterning.
Right now I vacillate between those two poles, being weird while I set boundaries on not allowing anything in that doesn't feel good and feeling GREAT that I have disconnected in a healthy and positive way. I understand that as time goes on I will get better at this and it will all be a natural response.
We have the Psychiatrist evaluation on Wed. I hope my difficult child can hang tough with the roommate until all the ducks are in order. Her car is at my mechanics and he is a sweetheart and fixing a list of repairs and just charging for the parts. She will emerge from this experience up to date in her affairs and as I promised her, on level ground. My hope is that the evaluation will give her medications of some kind to calm her brain down and suggest a therapist who specializes in PTSD or whatever issue she is dealing with. She has a really good head start with the techniques she already is using and she can feel the difference when she doesn't let herself go down the usual intense, dramatic, crazy paths. I believe we are on a healthy path now. It will take some time, but we are both learning to navigate this in a much better and healthier way.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I am taking my life back. We are taking my granddaughter to Kauai in about 3 weeks, which will be a nice rest from all of this stuff. I have these moments of such clarity and peace, it feels good and I look forward to having many more of those.
