Now what do I do?

tiredmommy

Well-Known Member
I have to wonder if he thinks he's testing you here - will Mom really turn me in? in my humble opinion, you'd best do it in a heartbeat because I think he'll keep upping the ante.

I was thinking the same thing, k. He's playing a game and will continue to play it until you call his bluff. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
 

mom_to_3

Active Member
First off, I'm really sorry your son is behaving so badly, I know YOU had hopes for him to return home as a different boy.

Secondly, I think as parents, we project our own feelings, wants and needs onto our difficult child's especially. We want sooooo badly for them to succeed, that our hearts get very wrapped up in them and we begin to think THEY want to live as law abiding, responsible citizens as much as we want them too. Sometimes it just isn't so. Your son is a manipulator. My difficult child was a huge one too. Maybe I'm cruel, but I finally had to take the stance of "show me the money" with my difficult child. I didn't believe one thing she said and I did block my emotions, because those emotions were MINE and did not reflect her AT ALL. My relationship with her had to become "business" only. It pretty much still is.

I think you were right to call the P.O. It should not matter one iota to any parent if you would get in trouble if you didn't call. If you are required to notify a violation, then it should be done, no matter what will happen.If your difficult child broke the rules, his consequence should be swift and harsh! What nerve to break the rules so early! What nerve to speak disrespectfully towards you! What nerve to threaten you! What nerve to bring violence into your home! Any punishment your difficult child gets is exactly what his behaviors / choices have earned him.

I personally would insist that the P.O. get him put back into Department of Juvenile Justice. It's very obvious to me that this wasn't just a little flub up. He needs a strong message that his behavior cannot continue.

Had I been you, I would not have shared with your son that you called his P.O. Mostly to avoid the response you did get, and then the element of surprise can be a very valuable tool. Sometimes we talk too much to our difficult child's and they figure out how to "play" our heartstrings better.

And since you asked (I know you didn't!) It doesn't sound to me from what I have read from you that your son has a mental illness. All bad bahavior is not the result of mental illness. He is a determined little buggar that hasn't learned that HE DOES NOT RUN HIS OWN LIFE, and HE CANNOT BULLY HIS WAY THRU LIFE, and THAT HE IS TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING HE THINKS, SPEAKS, AND DOES. HE CAN CONTROL HIMSELF and it is high time he learn that.

I have a lot of compassion for you right now, it's a terrible spot to be in. Take a breather when you can.
 

klmno

Active Member
Thank you! He has both sides to him- like most of our difficult child's, but yes, he can control this or learn to manage the stresses that do interfere- although I don't think there were any major stresses causing this- except I will say, the desire to be accepted by peers contributed, I am sure. I definitely don't think medications are going to solve this problem- a good therapist could help a lot if difficult child would let them. Hopefully, the mentor can help. I am not so sure that an immediate re-incarceration would do the trick. But part of that is due to the specific details I am aware of that I just don't feel like getting into yet because I'm so frustrated over it still. You know, there at the end of difficult child's stay in Department of Juvenile Justice, if I even mentioned his difficult times and that "he has his moments", those staff said he was a great kid, I should be proud, he knows what he did and has owned up to it. Ok, he snowed them too. But I still think he has a side that really does want to succeed and get past this. He's just so flipping clueless in some ways- not that it excuses trying to manipulate me or using me or others- but like the Department of Juvenile Justice school staff noticed, he absolutely cannot handle feeling like he isn't accepted or liked by peers.

ok- here's what he did- he called this kid up (his old best friend) and told him that now he wasn't on medications anymore- now he could drink like other teenagers, so he had gotten drunk. There was absolutely NO sign that he had. But today, I found a couple of empty beer cans in the game room- he had drank beer- AFTER he called the friend and bragged about it and how cool his PO was. He never drank before- I have beer in the house but I guess I never realized that the ONLY reason he never touched them was because he was on medications. And in his mind especially after being around kids in Department of Juvenile Justice for a year, all teens in high school drink so now he thinks he can because he isn't on medications.

I think we now have a point made- I told him no matter what the PO did- if I have to live with things locked up and not being able to trust him to get a good night's sleep- there will be NO learner's permit.

Yes, I understand trying beeer is a typical teen thing. I also understand my son is on parole and this is illegal and doing this just to brag because he thinks it will win him friends at a new school is not wise. And I have zero appreciation for his efforts to try to bully me into not telling or trying to put the blame back on me. That's the part that gets me most- he had been manning up to things- he better get back there quick if he thinks this is going to work. I'm letting him enjoy these feelings of being in mainstream high school for a whhile- we'll see if he reevaluates things- assuming either the PO or mentor set him straight. So for this, I wouldn't want him incarcerated. If they send a strong message and difficult child has had a few more days to weigh the future he can have vs the other non-future he can have and he chooses, than so be the consequences he has made for himself. Heartbroken as I might be over it- yes mom23- we do get our mommy dreams involved.

Now, where is that duct tape??
 
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everywoman

Well-Known Member
Just a hug---cause I know you need it right now---been there done that---and thank God he doesn't live in my home anymore.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
After all he has put you through it sure sounds like what he learned in Department of Juvenile Justice was how to snow people even more. He sure didn't learn to clean up after himself, did he? (said very tongue in cheek).

You are absolutely on the right track to report him. Each and every time, though you don't have to tell him. It is up to HIM to deal with the PO, not you.

I would want to strangle my kid if they did that - ESP so soon out of Department of Juvenile Justice! That learner's permit would sure not be happening with my signature either. You must be so mad, and so hurt. You went through all that and all he is doing is planning to break rules and then going ahead with his plans? I would problem remove all tv/video so he wouldn't have all those media images of teens drinking, smoking, acting out. There is a Christian based satellite provider that has NO shows of this kind, if he MUST have tv. Maybe it is overly mean, but that is a very skewed view of teens and it is one the media pushes.

I am sorry he has already started to violate the terms of his probation.
 

mom_to_3

Active Member
I'm not trying to be mean klmno, but I don't think for a minute, that your difficult child has any concern for your expectations, nor do I think the consequence of losing a learners permit will alter his behavior. For Pete's sake, he just got out of a year long stay in Department of Juvenile Justice, I would have thought that alone would be huge motivator to keep his nose clean. I don't really think he's that clueless, I just think he is very, very determined! If he wants to be accepted by his peers, and wants friends, HE needs to figure out how to accomplish this in a positive way, without you telling him how. That is one of those life skills that our kids have to learn for themselves. He needs to learn that he can't go off the deep end when he's stressed. He needs to figure out how make and keep friends on his own. He needs to learn to self reflect. I don't know that you would be the one to teach him this.

The worst thing we can do as parents, is to do for our children what they should be doing for themselves. We rob them of the opportunity to learn the life skills they deserve/need to learn in life.

You know something I learned after my difficult child was out of our home and I had some time to remove myself from the chaos, and had time to really observe other families? I learned that is was not at all typical for any child to be as high maintenance as my difficult child or your difficult child is. It is not necessarily because our difficult child's require so much, it is because we put so much into them, too much in fact that we handicap them. I felt that *I* had to do so much so that my difficult child did not fail in life. It was futile. *I* wanted her to suceed so much more than she did. I may have removed her drive by doing too much for her! Little did I know that *SHE* needed to want it more than I did.I hope I have been able to convey my message to you in a constructive way.
 
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