Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by It's in His hands, Feb 19, 2015.

  1. It's in His hands

    It's in His hands New Member

    I just found this site this morning and I'm grateful. Thank you to everyone who posts what you're going through and what helps.

    I have a 26 yo son who has been a problem since his early teens. He has been a drug user for 11 years, been Baker Acted twice, Marchman acted once, did a 6 month stint in rehab and was kicked out of my house numerous times for drug use, inability to look for or keep a job, and overall nastiness towards myself and his younger sister. I, like you, have done everything humanly possible to help him.

    He now has a child with a 19 yo girl who is just as into drugs and alcohol as he is. I've had my 5 mo grandbaby a lot and I love him to death! His parents have told me they smoke pot 3x a day (she nurses). There are beer bottles all over their front porch (and I mean ALL OVER) consistently. Their home, which we rent to them, is filthy and smells so bad from their dog peeing on the floor and the litter box not being cleaned that THEY have a faint odor of animal urine on them. They have been neglectful of the baby: in their own words have told me they leave him alone a lot so he'll become independent, take walks while he's napping in his crib, he was attacked by their cat when they went outside to smoke and didn't check on him when he was crying, etc. The game changer (as if we needed one by this point) was when my husband found a bent spoon burned underneath in their "drug room" (where they keep the paraphernalia). He told them no more drugs in the house. I asked them to stop leaving the baby alone in the house. They retaliated. I wasn't allowed to see the baby until I could accept their lifestyle. Before this I'd had the baby a few days a week from morning til night. I took him so much because I wanted to limit his exposure to this garbage as much as possible. After a few weeks of this my counselor, after hearing everything, called DCF. Now I am completely out of this little guy's life. DCF found nothing, never drug tested and closed the case.

    I would tell you I'm heartbroken, but I can't. I'm numb. I can't cry. My son is notorious for not speaking to me for months at a time. He seems to only come around if he wants or needs something. Money has been given so many times, we even gave him a car only to see it totaled 4 months later. Even though I've been told I'm out of their lives, we're the only back up they have and they live in a perpetual state of emergency. Neither one works and the girlfriend attends school part time. They live off of her check from children's home society and food stamps. At this point I don't know if I want them back in my life. When they first took the baby away I was devastated, now just numb. I don't think I can handle the "now you see him now you don't" thing that I know I'll be drug through when they come back. The only positive in this has been not being in touch with my son or the girlfriend this whole time... No emergencies, no rides to give, no guilt trips, no hearing about how great drugs are, no hearing how the police are awful, soldiers just want to kill blacks in Africa, ISIS is good and Christians are bad, Israel needs to be wiped out, and my favorite (while they were staying with me after having the baby) "I'm glad ISIS is beheading Christian children. The Christians need to leave them alone". I had gone on my first mission trip the month before and am very active in my church. The crazy talk, the drugs, the smell, the worry, the emergencies and all the drama that comes with them has been gone, and for that I'm grateful. But the baby. That poor baby. I can't think about what's going to happen to him.

    Any advice for me? This is very hard. I've already disengaged from my son emotionally and am fully aware he is not the child I raised. My daughter is an honor student with great morals and doesn't touch drugs, so I don't believe this is my fault (mostly). I feel guilty for my non feelings for my son.
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome. It sounds like you know what you need to do and have behaved admirably. How shocking that Child Services would not protect the baby. Nonetheless, you know you acted in good faith, and that you did all you could to protect him. I suspect the numb you feel right now is a blessing. That has happened to me, when I could not face up to what was happening, or when I had to function through shock. Try consciously to be gentle and very generous with yourself. Recognize that you have been traumatized, and that you will need time to heal and regain your balance.

    You have done everything you can. Now, you need to nurture yourself.

    I am very glad you found us.

    Again, welcome.


  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is a horrible, dangerous environment for a child. I would have to think hard, but if it was a choice between my druggie, slacker adult child who did not have a job and my innocent grandbaby, I'd call CPS to make sure they have to clean up their acts or lose custody of this child. I have called the cops on my daughter when she did drugs and we have a great relationship now.

    Do they pay you any rent? Do you have to 100% support them?
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  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I AM SO SORRY! Do you know that every time you call dyfs they document this and it's added to their file. Call each and every time you see something untoward. They may not do anything today, but tomorrow is a different story. Don't quit calling. They are young and stupid and others will report them as well. Since you rent them the apt, ask the neighbors to keep their eyes out for them leaving without the baby.
    You have nothing to lose except to make sure the baby is safe. Don't give up. You know where you stand with those two, nowhere, so who cares how much dyfs visits. This will all catch up to them, the poor little guy!
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  5. pandora404

    pandora404 New Member

    Hi there.

    I strongly agree with upallnight. If it’s not too much stress on you, you may as well persist in trying to have that child removed. Keep making complaints, appealing, etc. Even as you do it, you’ll have to accept that your efforts may come to nothing. So hang in there, but don’t get too invested in the outcome.

    It seems you certainly have nothing to lose in terms of alienating the child’s parents.

    I know this is only a side issue, but I was very interested to read that one of them said to you, "I'm glad ISIS is beheading Christian children. The Christians need to leave them alone".

    Recently I showed my daughter’s boyfriend, who is 21, the long series of hate-filled text messages sent by my 18-year old son (starting at 5 am on Christmas morning). D’s boyfriend said, I don’t think he actually believes any of this. He’s only saying this stuff to wind you up.

    That was a revelation to me. I realised that many of these difficult children don’t actually hold any authentic opinions. The opinions they express to you are tailor-made for you personally with the intent of pushing your buttons and demoralising you. It’s a kind of passive aggression. It’s a slap to your emotions, rather than a physical slap.

    Sadly, it’s not worth making even casual chit chat with people like this. Even the most benign remark can be repaid with a twisted, negative response. As for me, it’s a shame considering it’s a longstanding relationship, but I am learning I have to disengage and to not be my authentic self when I see my son.

    Best wishes
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  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I agree - gather all the proof you can and fight for that child. He should not be in that environment!! Unbelievable about child services. I would soberly try to get guardianship of that baby....sending prayers for strength!
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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    INHH---Welcome to the forum and my heart was hurting, reading your story. It still makes us shake our heads in bewilderment, doesn't it? I guess we will never "get used" to reading these stories---they are all a little different, but basically the very same.

    So we understand here. Please let that sink in, right now. We get it.

    I'm so sorry for your pain and the tremendous work you have done to try to help your son. Like you said, disengage from him---we call it detachment with love---that is the best thing for you and for him right now.

    I also want to call attention to the "mostly" word you wrote there. Please know this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. In Al-Anon we call that the Three Cs. Often, when we---mothers especially---start to lean toward the age-old question? What did I possibly do/not do to contribute to this or cause this? We need to be reminded that this is not about us.

    This is about the primary disease of mental illness, in this case addiction. It is a disease that requires substantive treatment by professionals over a long period of time and it's characterized by relapse. But first of all, the person afflicted with it has to want to change.

    Until that desire to change occurs, all of the help and good will and love in the world won't change a single thing.

    But you already know all of that. Please remember that this is not on you.

    And right now, as others have said, the numbness you feel is a protective device for your hurting heart and soul. This type of pain is nearly unbearable and when we can't bear it any more, our Higher Power steps in and helps us. We go numb for a while.

    Please consider some of the following tools, if you haven't already: Attend Al-Anon meetings. They are free and they are wonderful. Please go to at least six until you decide if Al-Anon is for you. Some excellent books are: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. You can purchase Courage to Change (Al-Anon) online. It is a great daily devotional and packed with meaning and practical help for the trauma we endure at the hands of our drug-addicted children.

    Please start being very good and kind to yourself. Take it easy. Take a nap, a walk, coffee with friends, read a book, a bubble bath. These things sound very basic and maybe even kind of well, silly. But they are not. They are self-care. Most of us set ourselves aside for years as we do everything in our power to try to change our kids and their very sick behavior. We run ourselves into the ground. We need to stop that, and we need to start loving ourselves more. We need to be put first.

    In fact, I call it the 51% rule. I am 51% most important and my son, difficult child, is 49%. For some reason, thinking about it that way really helped me see that I must start putting myself first for many reasons.

    I hope you can continue to step away from this situation, even after the numbness passes. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be to think about that precious baby in that bad situation, but beyond doing what you can and are able to do about that, I would work hard to detach from them---your son and his girlfriend---with love, meaning you love them but you set very clear and strong boundaries with them, to disengage as completely as possible.

    Strong physical, emotional and mental boundaries. One of the first I ever set was letting my difficult child's calls go to voice mail. I never even considered doing that with my two children---even after they were grown. They called, and I dropped everything. The day I realized I could do that, was a very good day for me. Then, I could call him back---or not---when I was ready and on my game, instead of being caught off guard and unprepared.

    It's the small things. Now is your time. You need to reclaim your own life, and realize that there is nothing you can do to save your son. If he is going to be saved, he will have to do it himself. Our role now in our adult children's lives, difficult child or easy child, is to provide love and encouragement. That's it.

    Please know we are here for you. My prayers and my heart go out to you. Please keep posting.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you found this site. I'm sorry your grandchild is in the middle of this. I agree with the others that have suggested you continue to call family services and also the police if you suspect there is drug use.
    Am I understanding correctly that you own the property they live in and that they rent from you? Do you have a lease signed by either one of them? Does the lease have any mention of "no drugs"? I am asking because I am a landlord and in our lease agreement with our tenants it is a violation of the lease if there is drug use in the home, grounds for eviction.
    I know how much your heart hurts for that baby. The only thing you can do for the baby is to either take him yourself or have child services remove him from the parents.
    I am so sorry you are finding yourself on this very painful journey. It's not an easy one but you found this site, you are not alone. You will find support and comfort here.

    ((HUGS)) to you.....................
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    See if your son and his drug using SO will sign guardianship of t his child over to you. Maybe tell them it is so they can get their lives together and remind him that leaving a baby alone is child neglect and he could get arrested. If they are as negligent as you think it's the truth. Where are HER parents? Can you buddy up with them to plan how to save this baby from your difficult children?

    I don't blame you for being chilled when your son talks about ISIS. No matter what the reason is...shock and awe, he means it, or he is just nuts...I couldn't listen to that. I'd have to cut contact. My son has said some wacky things, but that would put me over the edge. I would feel sick having to hear my own child say those words and I so feel for you. Get that child away from them or he will have no chance at any sort of normality. Do what you need to do and don't feel guilty about betraying your son. Right now he is either not in his right mind or fit to care for him or he is just a very mean-spirited, ugly person.

    The girlfriend sounds just as bad.

    Hugs and luck.
  10. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Illegal activity should be grounds for eviction. Give them a 30 day notice to quit (or however it works in your state).
  11. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Since it sounds like you own the property, put cameras outside the building (where you can catch them coming and going) under the guise of "security" I believe in every state it is OK to video someone as long as it is in pubic. With the video, it is probable that you can catch them out of the house for long periods of time without the baby - proof for DCF of neglect. Also since you said that she is smoking pot and nursing I would call DCF again to have the baby tested for drugs in it's system. If you get nowhere with the DCF Hotline, keep going up the ladder until you get some one who "hears" your concerns. Too many babies are dying because of lack of action on the part of these agencies. If you don't get anywhere with DCF - go to your local police and lay out the whole situation to them. I don't think I have ever heard of a cop that will tolerate abuse/neglect of a child. Keep calm and just keep putting one foot in front of the other until the baby is removed from this environment. Absolutely cut off all funds and moneys from these two, it will give you more leverage, give you something to manipulate back with. Let them scream, rage whatever - your number one job here is to no longer be manipulated and to get the baby to a place of safety.
    It is only natural that eventually you would stop having feelings for people who are/live this way - if they were people not related to you, you would have them cut out of your life a long time ago. A mother's guilt can make us do things we would never do in any other type of relationship. How they are living and what they are doing are NOT your fault!!!! As you said, you did not raise him this way but now these are HIS choices whether through addiction or any other reason.
    It takes time to heal when our children have hurt us and when we are forced to see that they will even hurt their own baby with their selfishness. I understand where you are coming from - you want out - but what to do about the baby. Well first you have to collect yourself emotionally - help yourself, before you can do anything else.

    I also understand this, although my grandson was much older when I went no contact (he was 15) I could not allow him to be pulled into be used as a pawn in her sick manipulations of me (he kept me stuck for a long time). It was better for him - not to be used in that way than it was for me to have a relationship with him. Now mind you his home situation was much different - their was no neglect or physical abuse. (other stuff I won't go into now)
    Exactly, these things they say are beyond hateful, they are meant to demean you and manipulate you and your feelings. Being the way they have been, living the way they have been, keeps you trapped in a dysfunctional situation and that is exactly where they want you to be. I have one piece of advice for you when you hear that type of garbage: Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense! They are CRAZY in their opinions if they actually do believe them so the opinions they spout are meaningless except that they hurt you so stop listening to it and stop letting what crazy people say effect you. When you hear it just mentally say like the young people say: Well Whatever!

    As soon as you are able to wrap your head around everything that has happened/is happening move forward and make it your mission to get that poor child out of situation no matter what it takes. I think that would make you feel a whole lot better if you could actually do something to help another helpless victim in this situation. Also I think if you could help the baby, you would be finally able to cut the cord with your son and his behaviors.
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  12. It's in His hands

    It's in His hands New Member

    Thank you everyone for your support. I'd like to address some of the questions...

    "Do they pay you any rent? Do you have to 100% support them?"

    They pay us $500 a month for rent and they pay the utilities, though they are in our name. We stopped all financial help when, after we repaired and gave them one of our cars last October(we only had 2), I found out my son was driving stoned with the baby in the car. This, according to him, was a regular thing. He totaled the car a month ago.

    "Do you have a lease signed by either one of them? Does the lease have any mention of "no drugs"?"

    Their lease was up at the end of last month and they haven't signed a new one. I don't know if the lease mentions drugs, but it was after my husband told them no more drugs or paraphernalia in the house that they stopped allowing us to have or see the baby.

    Cameras are a good idea but I don't think we'll use them.

    Asking the neighbors to keep an eye out won't work. They live next door to a family member who doesn't care for me (she's also an alcoholic and on Rx pain pills) and she's already been publicly supporting them on FB, going on about what great parents they are and how much they love the baby. She's their new babysitter... Yet another bad choice. There's no doubt in my mind they love him, it's evident. However it is a selfish love. Their drugs come first.
    Also, everyone on their block (only 3 houses and their's is a duplex) is a drug user.

    As for the religious stuff and ISIS comments, they are deep into alternative news. For them to even suggest that our military is sending soldiers to Africa to kill the black ppl and get diamonds, that Ebola doesn't exist and is being used as a way to kill ppl in Africa, is ludicrous. The two of them love trying to get me worked up over stuff, but most of the time I blow it off, like when the girlfriend told me she was going to school to become a Wiccan priestess, lol. Most of the time I'm like, whatever. The girlfriend posts a lot of pro drug and insulting atheist stuff on FB. When I'd had enough I took her off my newsfeed. What I don't understand is why they tell me (written and spoken) about their drug use, alcohol use, neglect etc. Who tells the grandma she won't take the baby to a mommy and me class because she's afraid someone will call dcf due to drug and alcohol use, and that if dcf came out she knows they'd take him? We even had it set up while she was pregnant that if he were removed from them he would come to our home. Who makes plans for when their baby is taken by child services? Addicts do. When they're around I feel like I'm in crazy town!

    Thank you for letting me rant on here and for all of your support. When you're around people who are familiar with this, who have experienced it, it's not only a comfort but a reminder that I'm not losing my mind.

    You all are in my prayers and though I'm glad you're here, I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry we're all here.
  13. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    I just wanted to add my voice of support. I have a 28-year-old son who's a heroin addict and he's the father of my two lovely young grandchildren. In my case, daughter in law is stable and not an addict, so there's some hope for them. I feel your pain since it's so much more complicated when grandchildren are involved.

    Hugs, and glad you found a place to vent and get some great advice from those who can relate.
  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    That's right addicts do. There is nothing that is going to happen with addiction than for them to go further and further into their addiction. Also they say these things "We even had it set up while she was pregnant that if he were removed from them he would come to our home" in a way they are being really honest with you how they are afraid that their addiction will take the baby down with them. I say when somebody tells you something about themselves, LISTEN, they know themselves better than you do and trying to stay blind to the truth they are telling serves no one. I feel for you It's in His Hands, but eventually, with a babies well being on the line, you, being the only responsible one in the situation are going to have to do something for the well-being of the baby.
    I was confronted via distant family situation, where I heard that a mother of a new born was smoking pot while nursing. Since I had no first hand knowledge of the situation I was not in a position to report to DCF. In humor, I told my therapist that the best thing that could happen to the baby was it to get out the hell of this family as fast as it could: yelling, crawl baby, crawl. On a more serious note, since we are talking about a very young baby, if you are not up to raising your grandchild, maybe it would be best if the baby could be put up for adoption(with open visitation for you). There are so many families who would love to welcome a new baby into their homes and give it the decent life that you son and his partner are unable to.