Numbed? Denial? Detached?.. My alcoholic daugther

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Hi everyone. Just venting. I've been reading the progress, and the frustrations, the heartbreak here. It's bittersweet.

    I don't know where I am. I know I'm doing OK. I'm finding joy here and there. But, I'm not finding it much easier to be hit over and over and over and not have it affect my life.

    We have not let our daughter move back in. That's been hard, but all we have to do is look at each other, look at our other children, and know it is the best choice. Christmas was hard. My daughter continues to admit she's an alcoholic who drinks daily. She uses weed and probably other things. She self-medicates. It has become who she is. She doesn't like it, but she doesn't dislike it enough to run from it.

    She's moved in with another using friend (one she's prostituted with and got in a car accident with). Neither has a job, but parties constantly and lives in an apartment. We can put two and two together. Makes me ill.

    She's still verbally abusive, and at times she is incredibly sweet and there are glimpses of the child that was. But right now, she's mostly a ticking timebomb of a mess. A sad, sad state to be in at such a young age. It is a difficult thing to reconcile to yourself as a parent, the things we have had to come to terms with.

    Somehow she was able to get to a psychiatrist appointment last week. She went drunk. They sent her to the local outpatient center where they aligned her with a spot in their outpatient program (same one she went to twice as a youth). I really don't know how someone shows up to a psychiatry appointment, drunk, and then goes to a treatment center, drunk, and then gets sent walking. Seems to me like it should have been a 1-way ticket to a detox center. I HATE THE SYSTEM. At any rate, this all happened Thursday. They sent her away and she's been drinking/partying all weekend. And now is going back (or that's the plan) today to start outpatient and get on some medication to keep her from drinking.

    OK then.

    I realize as I'm typing this it is making things worse for me, so I guess I'll just stop. I'm detached enough, sometimes it seems. But I'm numb? Any more and I would have no contact at all with my daughter. I don't know if that is healthy.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) have done the right thing. It is SO painful to let them go through the worst of times until they hit bottom, isn't it? :(
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts, Bean, and a few hugs too. Boy, none of us expected this life did we? DDD
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Bean, I feel your pain. Your daughter and mine are very similar. Mine has been lucky enough to put it in a pretty package, but I see no future for her because she's so busy manipulating today that tomorrow is like you say, a "ticking time bomb". The only thing I can do is distance myself because I can't invest in the pain anymore. I don't know what the right answer is for either of our kids. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Bean, you've been there for me so many times, I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. It's awful to watch your difficult child do this to herself. For your own health you need to take care of yourself for your other beans. So many of us have been where you are and are going through much the same right now. You may want to hop over to the new Substance Abuse forum where you will find many others walking in your shoes.

  6. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sorry for your pain. I agree about how the system fails our difficult children so often. Sending hugs your way.
  7. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain. You are doing a good job not getting sucked into all the drama and chaos that our difficult child's bring.

    Take care of yourself.
  8. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks all.

    I didn't ask her if she made it to her appointments yesterday. She called my husband and said she had somewhat of an awakening and wanted to pray with him. She said she was going to a Bible study today. I'm not knocking any of that, or putting it down, I just... my cynical side wonders if she's deflecting because she didn't get to her outpatient yesterday. She does that a lot. When she can't suck it up and do what she's supposed to do, she chooses a different option and focuses on that, telling herself (and others) about whatever great thing she is doing - ignoring the fact that she totally blew off what the plans were.

    It is a weird thing but she's done this since she was little - always had trouble sticking to the plans, the boundaries. If we had a plan set for the day she'd always find a way to throw a wrench in it or shift it. I don't know how she'll ever hold down a job. Or a life.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I hope that she can find her way to recovery at some time. I wish I could help you not hurt so. Sometimes all we can do is let them go to find their own path and refuse contact unless/until they want to follow a proven plan of rehab and recovery.

    Whatever happens, I hope you are working with a family recovery group like Narcanon or Alanon or a therapist. We can't do it alone any more than they can.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so very sorry.
    Are you going to any groups like Al Anon? Therapy?
    Support is crucial. Your pain is intense.
    Support, detachment and top notch self care will begin to put a dent into your discomfort.
    You might want to set limits on when you will have conversations or meet with your daughter. Little rules. Like time limits or only associate with her if she is sober and respectful and willing to not discuss anything inappropriate. These are your rights.
    Sending good thoughts.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Bean, that sounds an awful lot like triangulating to me. "I didn't go to therapy but I'm going to pray. How can you call me on it when I'm going to pray with Daddy?" I wouldn't buy that one if they were giving it away for free.
  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My heart goes out to everyone dealing with the pain. I tried for many years to find the 'answers' and there are none. difficult child has to find his way.

    I agree, I did NOT think that this would be the way my difficult child's life would go. It is very painful and after the drama my difficult child has caused, difficult child and girlie are lucky they still have people talking to them.

    After all the lies of not living with girlie anymore they have had ANOTHER fight. difficult child says girlie is where he was 10 years ago. difficult child told his sister that he has been clean for over a year. I told his sister that the nasty message he left on my answering machine last week was someone slurring their words. Do they really think we still belive them? I did for a very long time, no one wants a child like this.

    They are so immature and 'me' people and they want to get everyone involved in the drama. Her family does get involved, mine has said, 'no thanks'.

    difficult child left me a text message last night that he was offered a job in NYC, moving from FL, starting $60,000. If I was a betting person I would bet on LIE. I just text him back that the 2 of them need counseling and if 37yo girlie will not go, 33yo needs to go alone.

    I'm tired and like so many of you I try to detach and tell myself it is his life. It's very hard to turn it over to a higher power and I try daily.

    difficult child is attracted to, and attracts , girlies just like him, but this one is the worst yet!!! In the 2 years they have been together I have met her once, thank God, and I have had to call the police to stop the harrassment. At least I don't have to deal with her anymore.

    Wishing everyone blessings and a good weekend!
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Bean...just ((((HUGS)))) I know your pain.
  15. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{{hugs}}} Bean. I am experiencing so many of the same things with my difficult child. I could have written your post - in fact - you verbalized a lot of what I have been trying to sort through. My son is making a mess out of his life and is unable or unwilling to correlate his substance use with the rapid decline in his life. I know it's little solace - but you are not alone. And your post helped me. so Thank you
  16. Bean

    Bean Member

    These kids are so confusing.

    Triangulating? Absolutely!

    I don't know how often she's been going, but I know it is "parent's night" or s/o night or something tonight and she wanted me to go. I can't (emotionally or time-wise). My husband might go. I went the last time she did this program and it was painful. I'm glad she's participating in the program, but I'm guarded none the less.
  17. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I didn't remember this when I read your post the other day. It just now came back to me!
    I had talked my difficult child into a program that I was paying for. When I went to pick him up he wasn't at the house, I was told he was with so and so and would be dropped off at the rehab center. I went to work that evening and called the rehab center just before they closed. I asked if he had been admitted and I was told he came in drunk and they turned him away. They told me that he wasn't ready so they were not going to waste their time and my money. I was so hurt, but they were honest.
    "I really don't know how someone shows up to a psychiatry appointment, drunk, and then goes to a treatment center, drunk, and then gets sent walking. Seems to me like it should have been a 1-way ticket to a detox center. I HATE THE SYSTEM. "
  18. You don't know how very much I appreciate this board. You "GET" the issues related to Emeritus parenting of our difficult children regardless of their diagnossis!

    I can relate so very much to so much of what each of you post.

    I think it's awesome the rehab establishment didn't just take your money!

    There's a place down south that has a high success rate. It's vey hard to get into. Part of the screening process is potential clients need to jump through numerous frustrating seemingly non-important hoops to get in. I've heard of ppl turned away because they failed to successfully call within a specific time frame of just a few mnutes. The philosophy is "when you want to be sober you will do whatever it takes. When you're ready to do whatever it takes, you're ready for the program."

    The cost is comparably low and I believe there are some partial scholarships.

    Staff is not interested in wasting their time on people who don't want to be there... Yet.

    Anyway. I really appreciate this board and I am so grateful for everyone who shares. When I disappear for a while it's because for my own peace of mind I need to get involved with things that don't focus my attentions on our difficult children.
  19. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My thoughts exactly!!! I have tried some forums years ago and didn't stay 'cause some of the members were like 'you have a loser for a kid, learn to deal with it'. I feel bad enough on my own thank you!!!

    "Anyway. I really appreciate this board and I am so grateful for everyone who shares. When I disappear for a while it's because for my own peace of mind I need to get involved with things that don't focus my attentions on our difficult children."