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Nurture vs. Enabling
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 205704" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We've been through this and come out the other side.</p><p></p><p>My parents believed in being tough. However, I was permitted to creep into bed for a little while with my mother, for comfort. The problem I had was, I was often too terrified to move, to creep through the house to my parents room. What I REALLY desperately wanted was my own night-light or even reading light, so I could turn the light on by myself for a few minutes and then have some control over the dark. Knowing I had control would have helped. I had nightmares often, even into adulthood and after marriage. Being married helped a lot because husband was always there. Maybe if I'd had my own bed lamp when I was younger, I wouldn't have had the problems continue for so long.</p><p></p><p>What has helped with our kids:</p><p></p><p>1) A night light and/or reading lamp. If you use a low-wattage bulb it's still plenty bright enough but not too wasteful if the child goes back to sleep with the light on.</p><p></p><p>2) We allowed them to climb into bed for a snuggle but after about 10-15 minutes (depending on how upset they were) we'd take them back to bed. After a while they took themselves back to bed, knowing they could always come back if they needed to. I really think that knowing there is a bolt-hole, some safety net, reduces the anxiety to a point where the child actually has less of a problem.</p><p></p><p>3) My magic spell for getting rid of the nightmare - this really works! I tell the child to roll over and lie back down in bed on the other side to where they were lying when they had the nightmare. So if the child was lying on his right side while having the nightmare, he should go back to bed lying on his left side. because when you roll over and lie on the other side, I tell them, the nightmare trickles out of the ear that is now facing downwards.</p><p>It's a graphic image that explains it to the child in a way they can believe. And it works because even the slightest change in sensory input changes the dream completely. It is no longer the same dream. So if you're having a pleasant dream and you get woken briefly by a car door slamming, if you want the same dream to continue when you fall asleep again, do not change position. Chances are that slight arousal was enough to change the sensory input anyway, but if you move or roll over, you will certainly lose the dream.</p><p></p><p>The other bit of info is for the parents - we ALWAYS dream. But we only remember the dreams we experience while very close to arousal, usually if we actually briefly wake during the dream. So a night where we say we had vivid dreams all night long is really a night where we were constantly waking, even if only for seconds at a time. And a night where we declare we didn't dream at all is a night where we simply didn't rouse until it was time to wake in the morning. The dream state IS a state close to arousal, just not usually so close that we remember everything.</p><p></p><p>So once you know this, you can understand why a 10 minute cuddle in someone else's bed can magically make a nightmare go away. But that nightmare is NOT waiting in the child's bed, especially if the child lies down in a different position.</p><p></p><p>When you are a parent coping with an anxious child, you do what works. Use your own instincts and to billy-oh with anyone who tries to tell you to 'toughen up' your kid. Ask them if they'd like you to toughen up their hands, then offer to run their hands over the cheese grater to do this.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 205704, member: 1991"] We've been through this and come out the other side. My parents believed in being tough. However, I was permitted to creep into bed for a little while with my mother, for comfort. The problem I had was, I was often too terrified to move, to creep through the house to my parents room. What I REALLY desperately wanted was my own night-light or even reading light, so I could turn the light on by myself for a few minutes and then have some control over the dark. Knowing I had control would have helped. I had nightmares often, even into adulthood and after marriage. Being married helped a lot because husband was always there. Maybe if I'd had my own bed lamp when I was younger, I wouldn't have had the problems continue for so long. What has helped with our kids: 1) A night light and/or reading lamp. If you use a low-wattage bulb it's still plenty bright enough but not too wasteful if the child goes back to sleep with the light on. 2) We allowed them to climb into bed for a snuggle but after about 10-15 minutes (depending on how upset they were) we'd take them back to bed. After a while they took themselves back to bed, knowing they could always come back if they needed to. I really think that knowing there is a bolt-hole, some safety net, reduces the anxiety to a point where the child actually has less of a problem. 3) My magic spell for getting rid of the nightmare - this really works! I tell the child to roll over and lie back down in bed on the other side to where they were lying when they had the nightmare. So if the child was lying on his right side while having the nightmare, he should go back to bed lying on his left side. because when you roll over and lie on the other side, I tell them, the nightmare trickles out of the ear that is now facing downwards. It's a graphic image that explains it to the child in a way they can believe. And it works because even the slightest change in sensory input changes the dream completely. It is no longer the same dream. So if you're having a pleasant dream and you get woken briefly by a car door slamming, if you want the same dream to continue when you fall asleep again, do not change position. Chances are that slight arousal was enough to change the sensory input anyway, but if you move or roll over, you will certainly lose the dream. The other bit of info is for the parents - we ALWAYS dream. But we only remember the dreams we experience while very close to arousal, usually if we actually briefly wake during the dream. So a night where we say we had vivid dreams all night long is really a night where we were constantly waking, even if only for seconds at a time. And a night where we declare we didn't dream at all is a night where we simply didn't rouse until it was time to wake in the morning. The dream state IS a state close to arousal, just not usually so close that we remember everything. So once you know this, you can understand why a 10 minute cuddle in someone else's bed can magically make a nightmare go away. But that nightmare is NOT waiting in the child's bed, especially if the child lies down in a different position. When you are a parent coping with an anxious child, you do what works. Use your own instincts and to billy-oh with anyone who tries to tell you to 'toughen up' your kid. Ask them if they'd like you to toughen up their hands, then offer to run their hands over the cheese grater to do this. Marg [/QUOTE]
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