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Nurture vs. Enabling
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<blockquote data-quote="Jena" data-source="post: 205761" data-attributes="member: 4514"><p>Hi</p><p></p><p>Someone wrote about their upbringing and brought me to thinking of my own. I was raised very "tough", my Mother wasn't overly affectionate, nor was I ever allowed to sleep in her bed on a rough night. Her bedroom was, as per her words, her "haven", kids were not allowed, bottom line. She was very controlling. To this day I remember hearing her words ring through my head even regarding bedtime. She'd start talking about it on the way home from somewhere. What I was "expected" to do when we got home. Rambing on and on, my mind would go into overdrive and I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed by her endless list of rules, and procedures regarding bedtime!! </p><p></p><p>I have caught myself on occassion doing that to my children. Yup, turning into Mom! Yikes!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> That is when I have to take a step back and realize what I'm doing, and look at the faces of my kids. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child has had horrible, horrible sleep issues since infancy. It is just recently we have come to learn that melatonin 5mg., with some kava kava tea before bedtime, mixed with Occupational Therapist (OT) brushing and paying attention to sensory issues. Such as the material of the sheets, and blanket, as well as making sure the bed has extra padding has truly made the difference, she has been sleeping for two weeks now. It is a world in which I have never known.</p><p></p><p>I too struggled with the same decision of whether or not to allow her to sleep with me. I desperately want her to be able to find her own coping skills to bring her anxiety level down. She has been taught many tools, ranging from meditation to imagery to breathing techniques. She has the past two weeks with my assistance utilized these tools combined with the herbal remedy and found peace and sleep. absolutely astounding, no medication has ever truly achieved this, this way.</p><p></p><p>Had I said "its' ok, sleep with me tonight", she wouldn't of been forced to practice these tools and truly begin utilizing them. I would of acted as the bandaid, and nothing would of been learned that night. Granted she would of been comforted, yet as I said nothing learned or gained as far as learning to use the tools given to her.</p><p></p><p>So, it is up to you ofcourse, you have to trust your instincts on this. Also, as we all know each child is different. I have friends with whom cannot get their kids out of their beds because they allowed them the comfort of sleeping with them. Then I have friends, very few though with whom's children slept with them during rough times yet became independent and now sleep on their own.</p><p></p><p>I have to admit though there were times out of my own desperation that I allowed difficult child to sleep with me, than I began to notice a pattern forming. On the nights she slept, she'd wake up in the middle of the night and come to cling to me for reassurance and safety. I had to realize I was actually facilitating the anxiety to grab hold of her further, I was enabling. </p><p></p><p>I truly think that parenting our difficult child's takes so much thought, hence these boards... <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>I just know the day will come when hopefully difficult child will be able to live on her own, in her own life. I feel very much so that these small lessons and steps taken now will help to some extent when they do become adults. We all fear the magic number 18.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with your decision, i'm sure you will make the right choice.</p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jena, post: 205761, member: 4514"] Hi Someone wrote about their upbringing and brought me to thinking of my own. I was raised very "tough", my Mother wasn't overly affectionate, nor was I ever allowed to sleep in her bed on a rough night. Her bedroom was, as per her words, her "haven", kids were not allowed, bottom line. She was very controlling. To this day I remember hearing her words ring through my head even regarding bedtime. She'd start talking about it on the way home from somewhere. What I was "expected" to do when we got home. Rambing on and on, my mind would go into overdrive and I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed by her endless list of rules, and procedures regarding bedtime!! I have caught myself on occassion doing that to my children. Yup, turning into Mom! Yikes!!! :( That is when I have to take a step back and realize what I'm doing, and look at the faces of my kids. My difficult child has had horrible, horrible sleep issues since infancy. It is just recently we have come to learn that melatonin 5mg., with some kava kava tea before bedtime, mixed with Occupational Therapist (OT) brushing and paying attention to sensory issues. Such as the material of the sheets, and blanket, as well as making sure the bed has extra padding has truly made the difference, she has been sleeping for two weeks now. It is a world in which I have never known. I too struggled with the same decision of whether or not to allow her to sleep with me. I desperately want her to be able to find her own coping skills to bring her anxiety level down. She has been taught many tools, ranging from meditation to imagery to breathing techniques. She has the past two weeks with my assistance utilized these tools combined with the herbal remedy and found peace and sleep. absolutely astounding, no medication has ever truly achieved this, this way. Had I said "its' ok, sleep with me tonight", she wouldn't of been forced to practice these tools and truly begin utilizing them. I would of acted as the bandaid, and nothing would of been learned that night. Granted she would of been comforted, yet as I said nothing learned or gained as far as learning to use the tools given to her. So, it is up to you ofcourse, you have to trust your instincts on this. Also, as we all know each child is different. I have friends with whom cannot get their kids out of their beds because they allowed them the comfort of sleeping with them. Then I have friends, very few though with whom's children slept with them during rough times yet became independent and now sleep on their own. I have to admit though there were times out of my own desperation that I allowed difficult child to sleep with me, than I began to notice a pattern forming. On the nights she slept, she'd wake up in the middle of the night and come to cling to me for reassurance and safety. I had to realize I was actually facilitating the anxiety to grab hold of her further, I was enabling. I truly think that parenting our difficult child's takes so much thought, hence these boards... :) I just know the day will come when hopefully difficult child will be able to live on her own, in her own life. I feel very much so that these small lessons and steps taken now will help to some extent when they do become adults. We all fear the magic number 18. Good luck with your decision, i'm sure you will make the right choice. :) [/QUOTE]
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