My "dear, loving" bro just left a letter for me. On my porch with all the "****" my kids left "ruining" my parents house. One pair of shorts and one shirt. He is apparently KEEPING the inhaler Lyndon forgot. Probably because he needs one. Possibly so that I "have" to call him.
He says all kinds of things, esp that he "should" call DHS because my house is "so messy". It is very messy. He says that I am ignoring my docs and only doing the things I "want" to do for my health because he knows a lot of people who really do have fibro and do things I don't.
Gee, for years I only had fibro too.
The many arrows slung at me are amazing. He says it is because my mother spends a lot of time crying over me. If that is true I will apologize. I don't call as often as maybe I should. Largely because every time I call it is because she is doesn't have time because he or his ex needs something. He is "covering" all of his ONE child's expenses because his ex is out of work. It really sounds as if he is paying the exes bills too. USUALLY this is when he throws arrows at me.
I stopped confiding in him years ago. He has NO idea what I do or do not do on a daily basis. Because I will NOT tell him these things, he assumes that all I do is "bad" and "dysfunctional". It is amazing to me when I actually see proof of how he makes history what he wants it to be.
EVERY therapist I have ever seen, from college on, has said to keep him out of my life. It is NOT going to be easy. I am ever more committed.
ESPECIALLY when I hear his history of family gatherings. He says husband and I contribute nothing. We always bring a hostess gift and contribute to the meal WHEN WE ARE ALLOWED TO. Often my mom says she has it covered, or she wants bags of chips, ice, etc... instead of a side dish or dessert because my bro INSISTS on bringing those whether they go with Mom's idea of the meal or not. We are always there at least an HOUR before my bro. I do what I can, Jess and thank you help, and husband helps out with stuff before the meal.
The reality of my health is that I can only do so much at once. I cannot do a 5 hour evening, and often 3 hours is taxing, esp after the exercises, etc.... the doctor prescribes. My brother is never less than an hour late. Hasn't been in 5 years. We are expected to adjust and the few times we ate without him, or even had the kids eat with-o him it has brought on WW3. So I often don't clear the table. HIS child never does, at least not between dinner and dessert. She usually has been up since 6 or earlier, and by 8 or 9 when he gets around to having her there for dinner she is a holy terror.
My husband spends EVERY family gathering with the kids making sure my niece is not leaping on my kids and is not getting up behind them screaming at the top of her high pitched lungs into their ears. She has done this to them for 4 years now, since age 2. ALL husband does is run interference so my kids don't have to stay with their backs against the wall the entire night. I cannot count when my kids have come away from a gathering with-o some sort of injury due to her leaping on them, without their ears ringing from her screaming.
Bro AND exsil have NEVER monitored her behavior at my parents. Not since her birth. They are "off duty" and spend the time with the adults. Period. IF they do something with her, they get on my kids for not "sharing" with her, aka wanting to watch a show that she may not, even if they have asked ahead of time, had it cleared, and she has had only her choice of shows for 3-4 HOURS. I cannot count the times this has happened. It is every time my kids want something that she doesn't. IF husband doesn't give in then she runs to my bro. He then reads my 10 and 14 yo kids the RIOT ACT for not giving his 6yo what she wants. For MOST of this time 6 yo had cable and my kids didn't. We have had a tv service for less than a year. Niece also has an astounding selection of videos because any and every time I wanted to pass on or sell my kids' videos my bro would run to my mom and get her to ask us to GIVE these to him. He makes a big showy offer of paying for them, but it comes back to me if I take even $2 for a couple of paper grocery sacks full of videos. THEN I am accused of selling what my parents' paid for and it upsets my Dad. Usually bro says he paid $10 for each sack. Then bro tells me I "owe" my Dad for the $$.
My mother is often oblivious to my bro and his behavior. This time, well, they can all go hang.
Bro DID send a letter to my kids, accusing me of poisoning them against him, saying how much he loves them but doesn't like what husband and I do. He writes that if they give him a chance he will grow on them.
They have given him chance after chance after chance. They have spent hours in therapy dealing with his actions in the past. thank you does NOT get to make this choice. Jess has already begged me not to accept whatever apology he sends.
IF I were to give in to his "pleas" to "see my own failings" and make the changes that will make HIM happy with my life, well, we would STILL be back in this position in a year or less. problem 6 months. Largely because no matter HOW I apologize for whatever faults, even put them in writing and try to change them, my bro says that I have not fully accepted them and changed from that standpoint. IN HIS EYES, of course.
I guess I am not as off in my read of the situation as my mom usually convinces me I am. Cause this is almost a carbon copy of a letter he gave me right after thank you was born, and one I got about a year ago.
It is NOT going to be easy to stand my ground when my mother starts applying pressure. She will. I may whine here some. Please help me stay strong. I know you are problem as sick of me saying these things every six months or so as I am of hearing them.
I fear this will be a very rough period. VERY rough. Cause my mother is amazingly unwilling to realize that he does this every time she leaves town or has surgery/is sick. She also feels that since his alcoholic status could change, we should "accomodate" him as much as possible so she doesn't "have to choose" between us. I don't want her to choose. I just want her to enjoy us separately. To keep any problems with me between us, and problems with him between them.
My exsil may get her wish, she may finally be able to replace me. It will hurt like hell. But this is TOO MUCH.
He says all kinds of things, esp that he "should" call DHS because my house is "so messy". It is very messy. He says that I am ignoring my docs and only doing the things I "want" to do for my health because he knows a lot of people who really do have fibro and do things I don't.
Gee, for years I only had fibro too.
The many arrows slung at me are amazing. He says it is because my mother spends a lot of time crying over me. If that is true I will apologize. I don't call as often as maybe I should. Largely because every time I call it is because she is doesn't have time because he or his ex needs something. He is "covering" all of his ONE child's expenses because his ex is out of work. It really sounds as if he is paying the exes bills too. USUALLY this is when he throws arrows at me.
I stopped confiding in him years ago. He has NO idea what I do or do not do on a daily basis. Because I will NOT tell him these things, he assumes that all I do is "bad" and "dysfunctional". It is amazing to me when I actually see proof of how he makes history what he wants it to be.
EVERY therapist I have ever seen, from college on, has said to keep him out of my life. It is NOT going to be easy. I am ever more committed.
ESPECIALLY when I hear his history of family gatherings. He says husband and I contribute nothing. We always bring a hostess gift and contribute to the meal WHEN WE ARE ALLOWED TO. Often my mom says she has it covered, or she wants bags of chips, ice, etc... instead of a side dish or dessert because my bro INSISTS on bringing those whether they go with Mom's idea of the meal or not. We are always there at least an HOUR before my bro. I do what I can, Jess and thank you help, and husband helps out with stuff before the meal.
The reality of my health is that I can only do so much at once. I cannot do a 5 hour evening, and often 3 hours is taxing, esp after the exercises, etc.... the doctor prescribes. My brother is never less than an hour late. Hasn't been in 5 years. We are expected to adjust and the few times we ate without him, or even had the kids eat with-o him it has brought on WW3. So I often don't clear the table. HIS child never does, at least not between dinner and dessert. She usually has been up since 6 or earlier, and by 8 or 9 when he gets around to having her there for dinner she is a holy terror.
My husband spends EVERY family gathering with the kids making sure my niece is not leaping on my kids and is not getting up behind them screaming at the top of her high pitched lungs into their ears. She has done this to them for 4 years now, since age 2. ALL husband does is run interference so my kids don't have to stay with their backs against the wall the entire night. I cannot count when my kids have come away from a gathering with-o some sort of injury due to her leaping on them, without their ears ringing from her screaming.
Bro AND exsil have NEVER monitored her behavior at my parents. Not since her birth. They are "off duty" and spend the time with the adults. Period. IF they do something with her, they get on my kids for not "sharing" with her, aka wanting to watch a show that she may not, even if they have asked ahead of time, had it cleared, and she has had only her choice of shows for 3-4 HOURS. I cannot count the times this has happened. It is every time my kids want something that she doesn't. IF husband doesn't give in then she runs to my bro. He then reads my 10 and 14 yo kids the RIOT ACT for not giving his 6yo what she wants. For MOST of this time 6 yo had cable and my kids didn't. We have had a tv service for less than a year. Niece also has an astounding selection of videos because any and every time I wanted to pass on or sell my kids' videos my bro would run to my mom and get her to ask us to GIVE these to him. He makes a big showy offer of paying for them, but it comes back to me if I take even $2 for a couple of paper grocery sacks full of videos. THEN I am accused of selling what my parents' paid for and it upsets my Dad. Usually bro says he paid $10 for each sack. Then bro tells me I "owe" my Dad for the $$.
My mother is often oblivious to my bro and his behavior. This time, well, they can all go hang.
Bro DID send a letter to my kids, accusing me of poisoning them against him, saying how much he loves them but doesn't like what husband and I do. He writes that if they give him a chance he will grow on them.
They have given him chance after chance after chance. They have spent hours in therapy dealing with his actions in the past. thank you does NOT get to make this choice. Jess has already begged me not to accept whatever apology he sends.
IF I were to give in to his "pleas" to "see my own failings" and make the changes that will make HIM happy with my life, well, we would STILL be back in this position in a year or less. problem 6 months. Largely because no matter HOW I apologize for whatever faults, even put them in writing and try to change them, my bro says that I have not fully accepted them and changed from that standpoint. IN HIS EYES, of course.
I guess I am not as off in my read of the situation as my mom usually convinces me I am. Cause this is almost a carbon copy of a letter he gave me right after thank you was born, and one I got about a year ago.
It is NOT going to be easy to stand my ground when my mother starts applying pressure. She will. I may whine here some. Please help me stay strong. I know you are problem as sick of me saying these things every six months or so as I am of hearing them.
I fear this will be a very rough period. VERY rough. Cause my mother is amazingly unwilling to realize that he does this every time she leaves town or has surgery/is sick. She also feels that since his alcoholic status could change, we should "accomodate" him as much as possible so she doesn't "have to choose" between us. I don't want her to choose. I just want her to enjoy us separately. To keep any problems with me between us, and problems with him between them.
My exsil may get her wish, she may finally be able to replace me. It will hurt like hell. But this is TOO MUCH.
