observation of my mom and her difficult child 45 yr old son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Mar 18, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Just wanted to share...

    We went to easy child's v-ball tourney this weekend. My difficult child bro lives about 30 mins away from the gym.

    My mom did the calling to let him know when and where we would be. I never expected him to show up but he did.
    My easy child was embarrassed, I over looked it.
    In true difficult child fashion he left as soon as he arrived, then showed back up several hrs later. We did go to lunch and we followed him up the mountain to see where he lives.
    He lives in a travel camper in a small mountain community.
    He still treats me the same as he did when I was a teenager, he did ask about our parents and when told of the health concerns they both faced, he compared them with someone else he knows the same age that had good health and decided that they were fine because they were only such and such age and he knows older people that are in good health.

    Alot of the conversation seemed elementary to me.

    When speaking to my mom, she was overjoyed that we saw him and his place.

    I see her as the ultimate warrior mom. She has learned to live her own life. She still has times she shares her pain, but all in all is happy.
    She realized after years of guilt,grief and tears that she could do nothing to change him.
    He chooses to live on that mountain the way he is living.
    She chooses to be happy and live her life.

    She still hopes and prays that he will change, but it no longer consumes her life.

    The only people we can change are ourselves.
    I can choose to let guilt and grief consume my very being or I can choose to let it go.

    She lives each day knowing she has a 45 yr old difficult child that is still using, she chooses to only see the good parts and wants to know nothing about the bad.
    He is working,he is living on his own and that is what she holds on to.

    She was where so many of us are now for many yrs. She chose to reach out to others in her most difficult times. She worked with homeless shelters when he was living on the streets. When my sister became pregnant at 16 she went to work at the pregnancy crisis center, when I had my son and she stood against my choices, she went through the foster care program.

    I didn't understand what she was doing until my own difficult child started his difficult child'ness.
    She kept her mind occupied with positive energy. She couldn't help her son and she knew it so she helped others so that she could sleep at night.

    I just wanted to share, I have had a very enteresting weekend.
     
  2. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Hearthope?

    I heard that.

    Thanks!

    Barbara

    :smile:
     
  3. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> hearthope, your mom sounds like a very wise woman.

    thank you for sharing that.

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good for your Mom, HH. Great story. :thumbsup:

    Suz
     
  5. fedup

    fedup New Member

    I am so glad to read this post. It makes a lot of sense to me. Though my son is only 19, I have tried to learn some of the coping techniques. At the moment, I am doing well, I think. Just Friday, he let me know in a roundabout way that he was moving back in to our house. I just quietly told him that "this is not the Motel 6. You can't just come and go at will." He went back to work over the weekend. He did not come in Saturday night, as he said he would.

    He also mentioned he was broke. I have not offered money, and told him, "this bank is broke and will be for awhile." If hubby wants to dole out money, that's his businnes. My hard earned money is staying in the bank, where it is safe.

    I have tried to step away from the drama. It is hard, but it seems to be calming things down a bit. difficult child is stepping up to the plate and learning to do what he needs to do to keep going. Now, if he would just learn to follow traffic rules!

    I know I can't force him to change. He has to want to.
     
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