Do get your hands on that book, it seems to be the best advice around on how to manage, in a practical way. It also shouldn't increase your workload - if anything, it should be a lot easier to manage than how you're coping now (or not coping). What I found especially useful about it was it helped me really get inside my kid's head and understand how he ticked. Once I understood, it was easier to anticipate his reactions and to avoid them where possible. It's also a lot easier now to achieve what I want with him.
At 16, your relationship with her should be moving from a dictatorial, authoritarian style to more of a support and collaboration on what SHE chooses to do with her life from here. It is time she began planning her own life course and working towards her goals. But first she needs to know what her goals are. From here, her life direction is increasingly her choice. Your role must now change from directing her moves to trouble-shooting on her behalf and helping her access information and resources that she needs to achieve her aims. The more you can help her with this, the more she will realise you are her helper and not her obstacle. That seems to be the key to her learning to switch off the oppositional behaviour, at least where you are concerned.
Example: yesterday I got a phone call from difficult child 1. He had stayed overnight at his friend's house and his car had broken down. There was no way I could come and rescue him because we were in different cities. But he was in a panic because he didn't know what to do. He was so anxious that he couldn't even take in my suggestions; he could only think one thought at a time. When he's like this it can quickly get to the point where he is screaming at me, wanting me to fix things and yet angry because I'm not reading his mind and making the problems go away instantly.
So my process is:
1) I stay calm even if he's screaming at me. If I get upset and angry, it won't achieve anything and will actually make things worse. The time to sort out his bad behaviour is after the crisis is over.
2) I told him to go get a piece of paper and a pen, and to call me back when he had done so. [my intention - to help him do a long-distance mind-map, or some sort of written down procedure, so he could get control back of what needed to be done].
3) When he rang back I told him to call NRMA Road Service (we signed him up for membership for his birthday this year). Turned out he already had rung them - that was really good that he had the presence of mind to do this and I told him as much.
4) From the description he gave me, I had a shrewd idea of what was wrong - a catastrophic failure of a wheel bearing. He was going to be stranded until it was fixed, and he didn't want to be stuck at his friend's house - friend had to go to work and was not able to do anything. So the next step - find a mechanic we could trust, in that area. Assuming that was the trouble. Friend had given him the name of HIS mechanic, but difficult child 1 uses our mechanic, in our village. So it was an urgent priority to get difficult child 1's car fixed sufficiently to get him away from friend's house ASAP. I told difficult child 1 to call our mechanic. But he didn't have the phone number. Neither did I. I suggested he use friend's land line (cheaper) to call enquiries, get the mechanic's phone number, call him, talk to him and ask his advice. Whoops! Too many steps, difficult child 1 began to get panicky again. So I told him I would make contact with our mechanic, to just wait for Road Service.
5) husband had the mechanic's phone number stored on his mobile phone, so I rang our mechanic and asked his advice. He told me what difficult child 1's membership entitled him to, which was very useful advice. He also offered to work on the car but agreed it would be difficult and expensive to get it towed to his shop in our village - difficult child 1 was just too far away.
6) difficult child 1 rang back. NRMA Road Service had just been, confirmed it was a wheel bearing and told him the car was not drivable. So I passed on the advice from our mechanic - call Road Service again and ask for the free towing service (members only). When difficult child 1 began to panic again ("They put you on hold for ages, I don't know if my phone battery will stand up to it," he complained) I told him (again) to use the landline - much cheaper, less worry.
7) I heard nothing for over an hour so I called back. With my help and his own capability, he had finally got his car to a mechanic (friend's mechanic) who promised him the car would be ready in about two hours. Meanwhile difficult child 1 had called girlfriend and was spending that time with her. By this stage he was calming down because he could see the end of the crisis and no obstacles were in the way of that view. It was at THIS stage that he began to apologise for any rudeness and to thank me for my help.
The whole time I was trying to sort this out, I found it frustrating, annoying and difficult. But with difficult child 1 already in panic mode, I had to stay calm and together, or it would have become much worse. But the outcome was good - not only was difficult child 1 back on the road without too much delay, he was able to meet the rest of his obligations for the day (including getting home for dinner with his older sister who was visiting).
difficult child 1, at 24, should be old enough to do this sort of thing for himself. He's not stupid - far form it. But when he gets anxious he really can't cope like he should. It's where we really notice his Asperger's and ADHD. By talking him through the process calmly (no matter how I feel) not only does the problem get solved as quickly and smoothly as possible (even if it's neither quick nor smooth, it's still better than it could be) but he also learns through the process because it's like a rehearsal for next time. This time - he remembered enough to call Road Service all by himself, and to get the name of a local mechanic. Maybe next time he will need less help.
It was also a good reminder to him that I help him, I do not get in his way unless I have a darn good reason. It means if he has a problem he comes to me for help and advice. A kid who is oppositional will run a mile before asking a parent for help. By showing the kid that you can be a support, it's the beginning of them realising that they don't have to see you in such a negative light.
It takes time, and a lot of this sort of thing. In the process they will swear at you, yell at you, all of which is driven by anxiety, frustration and anger, much of it not really directed at you no matter what they say.
I ignore the angry words because they are only a symptom of the much bigger underlying problem.
Too many people respond to anger from their children, with anger in return. "I'm the parent, you will not speak to me that way, I am bigger and can shout louder" is actually NOT a good way to maintain discipline. A lot of teachers have found that being the loudest to shout only gives them a sore throat. Whispering to a noisy classroom can actually get much better results, especially if the kids in the front row can hear the magic words, "You need to be quiet if you want to hear which textbook chapters to read to study for the surprise snap test I just decided to give you tomorrow." The message quickly passes back through the rows of desks, to "shut up fast or we'll all fail."
We recommend "The Explosive Child" because it works for so many of us. It's also given us a technique known as "Collaborative problem Solving". The name says it all.
Welcome, glad you are with us. We can help. You can be frank with us, dump on us, pick our brains - and in turn your own experiences can help other people. You will be amazed at how much wisdom you have already accumulated. This is also the place to be to boost your parenting confidence. I got so much courage from people here, to make the changes which we so desperately needed.
I look forward to finding out how you're getting on.
Marg
Of course, living with-someone is much more stressful. So I can only assume there are control issues and that you two argue all the time. She has to learn to take responsibility for her actions. She's in juvie, not you.
