Of course he makes me feel guilty

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Aug 30, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    he seemed shocked at the choices I've made and tries to trivialize what he has done. She found him, he wasn't looking, yada yada yada. He's not willing to take responsibility and he shouldn't have been so honest in telling me what was really going on. So let me get this straight, he wasn't going to leave me, but he got caught, and now he should have denied it so I could just go on not knowing??? I don't think so. Nothing he is saying is showing remorse. He's freaking out because he got caught and knows what he has to lose, but doesn't seem to know how to admit he was wrong. He acted like I was wrong in the decision I was making. I don't know what he thought I would do.

    Anyway, now I'm here with my dad and he took off hours ago and will probably come home trashed. Again, his choice.

    I'll fill you all in tomorrow on how the rest of my anniversary evening goes.
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Oh, Karen.....what a mess, he obviously didn't think he would get caught, obviously didn't think you would ask him to leave, don't know what to tell you that you don't already know....we are here to listen.....
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Don't feel guilty. Please, please don't do that to yourself. His actions brought this on, not yours. Not even her actions.
    You deserve so much better than this.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Oh Karen, I'm really sorry (but not really surprised). Basically, you called the shots. Don't be shocked at the "no remorse" thing. You totally caught him off guard and didn't know what to say. He was backed into a corner and he came out with "blazing barrels of b.s.".

    If he comes home trashed, give him time in the a.m. to sober up and let him know that you meant what you said.

    Will be thinking of you with good thoughts headed your way!

    Hope your Dad's doing ok!

  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">She found him, he wasn't looking, </div></div>

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    Pass the hankies, Karen. I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying.

    pig snorts...

    Emotions will be running high for awhile. I hope you have an appointment soon with your counselor.


  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    That jerk-HE should be feeling guilty! If he was sorry, he would be eating major crow right now and trying to woo you back. He's blaming her?! He dictated the terms of your relationship. You made a courageous, well-thought out decision. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better. To thyne own self be true. Don't you dare feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Revel in the fact that you are doing just that.-Alyssa
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Oh *insert expletive here* no!!!! As a previous counselor of difficult child's once said, "Don't poo in your own bed and complain about the stink."

    Sounds like a difficult child in his own right. "But I didn't meeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnn it so why are you being so mean????????????????"...."It's not MY fault...she MADE me do it." "I told you about it and said I was sorry. That should be the end of it."

    Pig snort here too. Sorry, I'm not at all trying to make light of it but it just amazes me sometimes what supposedly grown adults will do/say when caught doing something they know good and well is wrong.

    Whatever your decision is, if it's the right one for <span style='font-size: 14pt'>YOU</span>, stick with it. It will be tough but you will get through it. Sending hugs and the beverage of choice in the biggest glass possible.
  8. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member


    Well you knew this would happen. Don't feel guilty; you weren't the one who cheated.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    So I'm trying to cover for him with my dad and easy child daughter because I'm not ready to tell them anything yet, so I left him a message earlier because he usually goes sailing on Thursday nights and I told him that I told my dad and our daughter that he went sailing, just so we could kind of keep things here a little normal right now. Well, he calls me totally trashed and says, so you told your dad and Calin what is going on and I said no, I told them you went sailing like you usually do on Thursdays. Well guess what, he didn't hear the message right so he's sleeping at a friends. Isn't this convenient now that I have to explain to my dad and daughter why he isn't home. My daughter won't be so hard because she'll just think he came home after she went to sleep and by the time she gets up he'll probably have stopped home to get his stuff and go to work, but how do I explain this to my dad??? guess it's time to clue dad in on what's going on.

    Now I just pray the friends he said he is staying with don't let him drive. Again, his choice, right????

    it's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for more then our marriage. he's a little to old to be too trashed to drive. I knew this was how he would react, so did his closest friend who is trying to be there for him and has been telling him for the last month that what he was doing was wrong, but he didn't listen to him either.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Karen, don't count on the truthfulness of where he is. Keep your
    guard up.

    Want some free advice? Don't share ANY reasons with your Dad or
    the kids. If you feel you must share the facts...keep it very
    simple. "We have been having some problems and will probably
    separate for awhile and get counseling."

    It is best for the children to not think of their Dad as a
    womanizer, drunk etc. etc. Somehow the labels spill over onto
    the children. Why? I have no earthly idea but I've seen it over and over again.

    Sending hugs. DDD
  12. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    :hypnosis: Oh, he's trying to put the bamboozle on you now! <u><u>" ... and he shouldn't have been so honest in telling me what was really going on." </u></u>Did he forget? He got caught, right? He didn't exactly volunteer all this information to you, right? Boy, does this all sound familiar! been there done that! He's trying to turn it all around on you. They do that when you have them dead to rights! And the guiltier they are, the more they tap dance!

    And, if he hasn't done it already, the next step will be twisting it all around so it's all YOUR fault! Just wait! "If you hadn't done XXXX, then I wouldn't have had to XXXX!" Yeah, right! Even if he wasn't "looking", he allowed himself to be "caught", and at the very worst possible time for YOU - with everything else you've had to contend with! There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his behavior - none whatsoever!
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    :grrr: Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. YUCK!

    Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and your kids. I believe your Dad should be able to handle the truth.

    Please take care.....you are in my thoughts.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry. Don't take on his guilt.

    Hang in there.

  15. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    I agree with DDD. No need to go into details. I think you need to work this out with your counselor and you for the time being. No need for possible unneccessary, opinionated haze until you have clarity with yourself.

    Now, you need to put on your finest steel-toe boots and give that guilt a good kick out of your brain.

    This is HIS doing. There is no excuse for a stray. A strong man sits and talks with his wife before "giving in to" a woman who, apparently, hunted him down (I'll leave my thoughts about that one alone).

    You have the strength inside of you to work this out.

    I hear God gives you nothing you can't handle.

    And I know you can prove it.

    My blessings to you and your family. &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3 :kisses:
  16. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    If I were you I wouldn't be feeling guilty; I'd be feeling around for a hammer to use on his head.
  17. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I was thinking 2X4, but a hammer would work, too.
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You do have to laugh at his desperation though. He is trying so hard to back track this one. If he can not back track it, has has to push it onto you. Sigh. He really does not have much of a backbone, does he? That is not a judgement, just an observation from what you have typed. Everyone has their flaws, right? No backbone is one of his for sure.

    Now one of them is he has become untrustworthy. This could be a temporary flaw.
    I do believe a woman could push themselves on a man, married or not, but that does not mean the man should fall for it. Temptation coupled with 'my wife is not there for me' (crock of poo) is his reasoning. He will admit he is wrong. He has to see how ridiculous he is being.

    Anyway, I am rambling. Just be sure you do not take on any responsibility for his actions. He did it, not you.
  19. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Well he came in at midnight last night and tried to turn it all around.

    24 years ago when I was in my early 20's, we got married when I was 19, I questioned whether I was happy with husband or not and at the same time a friend of ours began talking to me. We talked, did not have sex, right away I told my husband I was not happy and moved out into my moms house. My husband and I went to counseling and worked things out and I never talked to this other person again. I did not have an affair, though he never believed me. The difference is when I was unhappy and even began talking to someone else I stepped up to the plate and moved out because I could never do what my husband has done to me. Of course he comes in last night spouting off about he has done nothing more to me then what I did to him 24 years ago and how dear I expect him to move out of his home.

    It did not take long for him to become the victim here. He does not consider what he did as having an affair. The girl hates sex, he said they never had it, but that she took care of him if you know what I mean????? He doesn't consider this sex. He also said he believes I have just been unhappy in our marriage and I'm using this as an excuse to get out of it.

    So he went from a full blown panic attack and realizing that if I did to him what he did to me he wouldn't be able to stay with me, and 24 hours later can't understand why I can't stay with him.

    Girls, keep my skin tough please!!!! These are the things he does that make me feel guilty and start thinking I have done something to cause this and end up staying.
  20. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    "The best defense is a strong offense."

    Karen, that's the way he's working this right now since the WAA-WAA panic attack approach didn't work.

    Baloney. :hammer:

    Call your counselor to see if you can move up your next appointment and repeat after me.... :hypnosis:"I did NOT cause this...I did NOT cause this...I did NOT cause this..." :hypnosis:

    You can get through this...