Of course he makes me feel guilty

Lothlorien

Active Member
Very well said Marg.

I don't think you are in danger of being physically abuse, but then again, he does have a history of drinking. That can always go sour if an argument ensues and he's drunk enough.

Marg is right about planning your own exit. Get things together. Do it quietly. Then, when you are ready, the element of surprise will smack him in the face like a bee sting. If he leaves fine, but he may not. You have to just smile at him and pretend that's okay. Then go about your business.

Don't let him bait you anymore with nonsense about something that happened 24 years ago. Despite your husbands age and knowledge, he sounds like he needs a lot of growing up to do.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
I am not quite sure why everyone is so intent on this marriage being dissolved.

I do believe the man is wrong. But, does that mean he is a horrible person? I agree his timing IS horrible.

He should feel the pain of his mistake and somehow come to realize just how wrong he is. But, to end a 27 year marriage? Not over one infidelity. Sorry. I just do not get that.

Now, if the love is gone or the man was already on the edge of separation... There were problems Kfld told us everything was not great for years now. But, I do not think she should throw away 27 years with her husband for a mistake.

The marriage should be worked on and efforts made by both parties to figure out what will make the other happy at this point in the marriage. It will be much different than 27 years ago or even 5 years ago.

Let me tell you it is not always greener on the other side. Being single is not all wonderful like the married people think it will be. Just as being married is not as wonderful as the single people think it will be. Neither scenario is perfect - both are difficult. Both have pros and cons.

Do you think there will be a man that is totally incapable of cheating? Not that you will ever know. Even if he tells you so. No, that is a risk everyone in a relationship takes. Man and woman alike.

Just take some time and figure out what would make you happy so you can let him know. If he can no longer add positive aspects to your life - than you need to consider ending the relationship.

You have a right to decide to stay - even if most people think you should not or think they would not.
 

KFld

New Member
I am no way physically afraid of him. I have been with him since I was 16 years old, so that is a fear that doesn't even enter my mind. Emotionally he has damaged me. It's is just really hard because I have been with him for more then half of my lifetime. I am 47 years old and I have been with him for around 31 years. That is a huge change to get used to. I also know that I have another how many years ahead of me to find happiness. Today he was a different person. The person that I enjoy to be around. He must have spoken to someone or had time to think, but he was respectful, gave me my space and asked me when we were going to spread my moms ashes because he said he really wants to be a part of that and I believe he does.

I went with my dad to his brothers house to play cards, which is what we usually do. That is something else that makes me sad for him. I know I will stay more connected to his brothers and there wives then he will. I know my husband. But I do thank god that his family considers me family no matter what. I know I will always be a part of there lives. They have become my closest friends over the years and whether we are family or not we will remain friends. I don't doubt that for one second.

I was able to spend quality time with my dad tonight, which I kind of found bitter sweet. He came out to dinner with me and my brother inlaw and sister inlaw and then we went to my other brother inlaws to play cards. he looked very tired and it is really hitting me tonight that he will go home and be alone. It is a thought I am finding almost unbearable tonight. Him and my mom would have been married 51 years in October. I never heard them fight a day in there life. She was only 71 years old. How unfair is life????
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Fifty one years!!! Wow! Impressive!

He will feel it for sure when he gets home and everyone else is back to living life as usual. It will be hardest when people stop checking in.
 

saving grace

New Member
Karen, I have been trying to catch up on some posts, I think what the others have offered has been good advice and consistent. Only you can know what is the right thing to do. 31 years is a long time you have quite the decision to make.

I personally could not bear to live without trust. I just couldnt and wouldnt do it. I have been married for 6 years if my husband did anything that damaged our trust in anyway it would be over thats it just over. If I were married 27 years with trust and then lost it I would be crushed, but I wouldnt know if I could let it go. IF I spent 27 years with ongoing issues of trust and unhappiness I would end it I will not spend a lifetime of unhappiness. Life is too short

It's just too short my friend.

Sorry I dont have much more to add.

Grace
 
Wendy,

I am glad you posted what you did. I was starting to feel like the odd one out. I have started posts probably 5 times on this thread, then not sent them.

Karen,

I can even go so far as to say that I might even understand why he strayed. Karen, I beg that you do not confuse this with me saying that I think that it is okay that he did. I am saying that I think I get his motive.

Since I split with my EX, I have made it my business to figure out how men tick. while every person is different, all men are basically wired the same, and all women are basically wired the same. Marg said something that was like bells going off: Men use love to get sex, and women use sex to get love. End of story! The other truth about Venus and Mars is that Men operate based on logic, women on emotion. (that SO does not mean that they always make logical decisions...)

Karen, he knows he is wrong. He is fumbling through his guilt (men often turn the blame on others when they feel guilty. They operate on logic because they cannot HANDLE emotions, guilt being one of them). He is grasping at anything he possibly can to get your attention, good or bad. If it were socially acceptable, he'd stand in front of you and yell "booga booga booga!" But, you deserve the time to work this through. BUT, he's freaking out, can't handle the emotional side of things, is scared to death, and wants it all forgiven and forgotten now.

Know this: He did not do this TO you. Cheating is not about you. It is about him. I know that is a hard thing to swallow. But it is true.

I pray that you take the time to decide what is best for you and husband. (((((((hugs))))))
 

ShakespeareMamaX

New Member
I agree with everyone, but, most af all, busywend.

Stay alert. Make peace with yourself.

Then, hopefully peace will come with him...and eventually trust may linger once more.

I always said that if my husband strayed I would leave him on the spot. But I think, now...Humans are built to make mistakes, to make excuses, to deny, blame, hurt. It's most definately wrong...But humans were also built to forgive, to heal, to have unlimited love. Every situation is different, though, I suppose. And I just pray that, no matter what, the end result is surrounding harmony.

Give your dad an enormous hug for me. Give yourself one, too.

Stay strong. You're in my thoughts. <3
 

Marguerite

Active Member
As I said on the previous thread, this has to be your decision. But whatever decision you make, be proud to own it and don't look back.

If your decision is to stay with him and work on things, then that is a good decision.

If your decision is to throw him out, then that is a good decision.

My concerns in my last post were because not only did he not seem to be doing anything constructive to resolve this, he seemed determined to manipulate the situation to make him seem like the wronged party. That plus other aspects to the story make me feel this is not an isolated incident. His timing, to say the least, doesn't fit for this to be a one-off. The affair (or whatever it was) is far less the issue here, than what it says about his attitude to you and to women in general.

If you feel that you can communicate well enough to salvage this then go for it. You will have support here, whatever you decide. But I do stress, that both before you make your decision and maybe even after (if you choose to stay with him) you make some effort to ensure your financial and physical security, even if it's just to make sure you're informed about the practicalities. Do copy your documents, do keep them somewhere safe away from areas where he goes, do set up a password system and escape plan just on the remote chance you may need it.

If you do this, and you still are happily back with him, then if the house is struck by lightning you will still have some paperwork etc stashed elsewhere and you can produce it magically and solve your problems together.

Marg
 

nvts

Active Member
Hey Karen: care to hear from another person? :grin:

What I think EVERYONE is trying to get across is: take your time. That's about it in a nut shell (get it? your avatar is a sqirrel, get it?).

Yes, 27 years is a long time. Yes, he pulled a bonehead move. Yes, it was at the most horrible time possible. Yes, you've put up with a lot of crap. Yes, a break is probably warranted.

I'm probably going to get "cyber-slapped" for saying this. But see, I'm NOT a demonstrative person. I am not a hugger, kisser, say "hi" with a warm hug and kiss type of person. My husband was always cool with that. But once my name went from "Beth" to "Mohhhm", I had to start doing that. Sometimes it would almost make my skin crawl because I just didn't want to be that way. I've always been a knock around, goof off type o' gal. That huggie kissee stuff was almost a sign of weakness to me!(whoa, maybe I should be the one in therapy!) :hammer:

I had to get over all of that. Once I did, husband wanted the hugs and stuff as well. Eventually, I adjusted, but there are still times that I just don't want contact. For a long time, all of that took a concerted effort.

If you guys are eventually looking to reconcile, would you be willing to try the "affection train?"

Remember Lily Tomlin in 9-to-5? "I'm a willow; I can bend!"

Again, I hope I'm not going to be barred by the board...it's just a thought.

I have to say, I'm still really peeved that he pulled this at such a horrible time and in no way do I in any way, shape, or form pity him in the least. It just seems you need to be supported and confident that we support you in any of your decisions.

Make sure that you call Dad often after he gets home, and make sure that he's covered for the holidays. Every 1st (birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, New Year, etc.) is the hardest for him. 51 years...that's just something to aspire to!

God bless and know that we all care!

Beth (soon to be barred from the board!!!)
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Karen...I think I fall in there with BBK and Busy.

I have been with Tony for 24 years now. We have certainly had our fair share of ups and downs. There has even been an affair in there on my part and what could have been one on his if timing had been different.

We chose to work through those things. It wasnt easy. It never is. We had many years under our belts before they happened and we looked at what happened and then rebuilt the relationship. It took tons of work.

Not everyone would do it. I dont know if it was the right decision or not.
 

Steely

Active Member
Oh..........I can relate on so many levels. I am so so sorry about your mom. My dad is dying of brain cancer, and he is only 67, It is horrible, grievous..........and then to have the partner of your whole life "F" up in the middle of this huge life altering event. I just don't know what else to say.........except I understand.......I really understand........and I am sorry.

Please accept my deepest sympathy, and many prayers that are being sent your way. Just take one day at a time.
 

KFld

New Member
If I dissapear in mid sentence it's because my dad came home. Weeping willow, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I know what you are going through and it's not easy at all. I pray your dad doesn't suffer like my mom.

I actually had lunch with my mother inlaw today.

Oops, gotta run and I'll try and write more later. Sorry!!!

it did go well with my mother in law though. Tell you more tomorrow, or later tonight.
 

wakeupcall

Well-Known Member
Karen, through most of this situation in your life I've been silent. I just plain do not know what to say. I've been married 37 years and they have been okay......not great, just okay. No, we never fight, he doesn't drink, he doesn't abuse me in any way or our children, I find I just plain don't want to be married to him. Actually, he's quite pleasant and does lots for me.....I just plain don't want to be married to him. At any given time if there was a BIG reason to walk, I think I would. BUT a few years ago I WAS presented a BIG reason to walk and I didn't. I was afraid for my financial future and that of our difficult child, and because I'm older, too. FOR now, I stay....but it's probably not forever. Don't hurry with any decision you may be contemplating, either way. Just be patient with yourself and YOU will decide what you have to do. I hurt for you and I'm afraid for you....life isn't fair, is it?

I hope you are able to sleep. Losing your mom is hard enough to deal with without all this, too. I'm sorry.
 

KFld

New Member
Pamela,
This is exactly what I don't want to do. I feel this is my chance to truley decide what I want to do for me, and I cannot let myself be influenced by finances or anything else. I don't want to be doing this in another 10 years and be thinking, why didn't I get out when I had the chance. My husband doesn't think he has done anything to add to the problems in our marriage. He truley believes it's all me and he's so sure of that, he won't even go to counseling. To me that means he's not going to change anything, because he doesn't believe theres anything to change, but that I need to do all the changing. We've done this for years and I won't allow him to make me feel inadequate or like there is something wrong me me anymore. The more I hear him describe to people what our problems our, the more I realize this. My sister in law walked in on him talking to his mom last night and pretty much telling her it's just all me and she came out and said to me, if I were you, I would leave him.
 
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