Off to see the "special" school...will update

lovelyboy

Member
Oh Buddy....I am so sorry to hear about all the abuse the 2 of you are going trough!!!!!
Thanx for explaining all....it makes alot of sense!
I fully agree with you! If in any way Q is feeling the rejection at school this will only escalate his behaviour.....my son is very sensitive to other peoples attitudes...throw in the fact that he misinterpret it and he is in a real sh*t*y mood!!!!
This would be enough to push you in looking into other options! And both of you can really do with less stress and people breathing down your necks!
This said.....I still dont fully get a warm fussy feeling about the new school.....sorry, thisnis not my place to say....just from what I have read from your posts.....If possible in any way, I would try and look at other options also? Just to have a choice....because if you think about it, you dont really have a choice at this moment, because it doesnt seem as if his current school is an option...so actually you dont have 2 other options to choose from at the moment?
Hope the 2 of you can do something fun today just to enjoy eachother and have some laughs!
You are alway in our thoughts!
 

lovelyboy

Member
Oh...I was thinking of something else....in our country appaerently, have nt triednit before, it is possible to make use of a facilitator for your child....this can be any person who is trained in handling Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids and who stays and help the child through everything during the day....almost like an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) trained Au Pair.....but I think this can become expensive!!!!I am hoping that this will be possible maybe if my difficult child struggles to much in high school one day!
 

Steely

Active Member
So why not homeschool him? I don't understand the need to go through all of this psychological trauma (on both of your parts) & and incure the potential risks - when you have the skills, money and resources to teach him from home? I can assure you he would have more social activity than he has now if he was home schooled....
You are an amazing mom so I am in no way chastising you or trying to be bossy...I just don't understand.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Steely, he gets really combative when she tries. She works with so much, and it would be overwhelming for both of them to homeschool. He needs to be around peers who are normally behaved because he will imitate the behavior he sees and what he learns can stick for years. She did discuss this at one point either earlier in this thread or in another.

Some kids just WON"T learn from their parents. If my folks had ever tried homeschooling my brother, it would have ended up in WW3. Q needs his mom to be his advocate and to teach him other stuff but NOT to be his school teacher. Homeschooling just isn't right for some kids.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Oh, well, it was a thought.
No, no teaching there, that would never work... very small school and can you imagine if there is a conflict?? I have no hopes of being able to teach because in sp ed you have to go to IEP meetings as we all know and I have to be home with my kid.

In regard to the evaluation, holy cow, what a disappointment, to say the least. You are truly a Warrior Mom.
 

buddy

New Member
I can't get Q to read with me for five minutes at night anymore. I am sure if I have to do it, I would find a way. I would probably be able to work out home bound instruction and that is an option that I am considering but the lawyer and psychiatric dont want it done yet because if it works then we have reduced our options because they will use the "see he does better " argument and they wont be motivated to look for a good place for him to learn more skills.

I actually do not have the money/resources to do very much. I can't even afford gas to take him many places if they are free. His waiver and insurance wont cover anything that is educationally based. He would get books of course for school work, but at this time he does nto use any books.... all of his work is individually created or part of a special needs unit the teacher makes for the class (like science or social studies or social skills).


I certainly can make many of these things, but with our own issues and goals, we would end up killing each other. School is school and home is home for Q... is strict boundaries, hard for him to even see me in that setting and he does't accept seeing school people in stores or anything.

If forced, of course I will make it happen and adjust as I must. Not sure he is learning enough that I could do worse anyway.

There is no good answer. That is what s#cks. If I change his routine to just keep him home and away from them he will panic and we will have a kid in the hospital and people will use that to say he is too out of control to be anywhere.

My plan for now is to have the person who is doing the independent FBA see what she thinks about how they are running the plan. Our attorney has picked her because she has no problem telling them what they could do better....

Problem I can see now is she is seeing a different kid than before. they are not doing any positive intervention, just redirection and removal.

Q woke in a great mood. He was willing to talk about going to see other schools. I said there are a few (lie) schools that have super fun things in them.... he said well I wont see A anymore, I said well we can visit her and we can invite her (again, lie she would never come but I am not going to make him worry about that yet... something can always come up for each time he thinks of it. He has told me many times to just say we will see-even when he KNOWS the answer is NO-- then he doesn't get upset, so I go with that).

If he only had to be in the SUN class with no EBD school then I would think this was a good choice, but I have to so carefully consider this... What ever I decide... as the home psychiatric says, can't be reactionary based on fears right now... it has to be a long term decision. or the amount of disruption could last a year... that has happened before. (last time he moved to a new school that was not a natural transition with the group... ie the plan in his head that had been told to him by everyone forever.. because that is what they all do.... it took one school year plus a few months to have him calm. Teachers had to walk down the halls with their hands in front of htem so he didnt' come up and grab them or scratch their hands. Once they had a psychiatric that embraced The Explosive Child concepts, she got them to prioritize and he had a wonderful two years and then moved to middle school with the others. He did fine there too, till now. Of course he is who he is, never easy... but not like this.

Am I totally in denial.? Could he be a different child, but if so, wouldn't I see that everywhere like always in the past? Usually if it is internal, I see it across every setting... home, community, Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers, school.... but this is totally different, just moments at home after school issues and normal home upsets. He does amazing with so many things in home and community. Only school is an issue right now. I know puberty is making things difficult, and I also know that the class he is in went from 6 students in sixth grade to now having 12. ONE room. Full of kids all who talk to much, make noises, have behavior challenges... so i am sure it is not all him, but I am sure it is too hard for him too.

But moving him around to a setting that could cause a bunch of other issues??? OR it could be wonderful for him.... Really hard to experiment.

I would allow the 45 minute drive (well during rush hour it will likely be 1.5 hours. ... but if I have to go back and forth to get him or for meetings etc... and I do because how else can you know what is going on in a school... that will not be affordable for me. But if it was ideal, yes.. I would. I would move but then he risks losing everything county based, and I can't afford to move so what to do about that?
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
No help on the big issues, but.. the distance, and meetings?
Our local school has a high % of drive-ins from all over the city.
They regularly make school meetings to be right at beginning or end of day... i.e. drop kid off and stay for meeting, or arrive early for meeting and then take kid home... There should be ways to not have to make the trip 4x/day.
 

buddy

New Member
I was thinking of how it was when he was in the hospital... it is in that direction, about the same distance. I went through a tank of gas (45 dollars now) every few days. I only went to the hospital once a day but then tried to make my errands on the way to or from to save gas. I had other things to do at that time... So if it is 30 miles that is 60 round trip... about three gallons of gas, so gas alone about 7 dollars any day I would need to go (as long as gas stays around 2.30ish and never mind oil or wear and tear, just talking gas). If I have to go get him or he refuses medications and I have to go give them... then extra trip... Of course he is worth this. I simply would have to lower our food budget or further cut out any times he can have money for Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) time. I would make it happen. I can get rid of internet all together if I have to....but it is a huge reward for him and right now it is my only connection to the world, I have pretty cheap internet relatively speaking and getting rid of it would give me money for around 8 school trips. I know it sounds dumb to nit pick when his whole life and happiness is at stake but I have to think realistically how I would handle a day like Thurs when I barely could get home from a drive eight miles away. We have the cheapest TV too and no gaming stuff or anything like that. No home phone. Almost no where else to cut. Less hot water?

Well, one step at a time... I KNOW I can make whatever I need to do for him work. I can sell our stuff if I have to . I have totally sold everything and moved for him once and I can do it again. It was hell for a year for him but if it is right in the long run I will do it.
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
TeDo, I'm sorry to hear about all of the school issues you seem to be having. I read about the redirection & you felt that wasn't helpful. For years the only thing that worked with the tweedles was redirection. Until the medications were set in place & some of the emotional garbage was sorted out we couldn't work on the behavioral ~ it just didn't sink in.

The behavioral was introduced little by little & 11 years later I'm still working on that. Your difficult child(s) have a different set of issues but when past abuse comes into play all bets are off. It takes time & much emotional distress to overcome that issue.

My thoughts & prayers are with you.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
If they insist you come to the school, surely there is a way to make them pay for it. I know a couple of parents here who get mileage paid for trips to school meetings because their income is very low and their kids are special needs and the school needs them to be involved. So for meetings or ANY time the school calls them, they get paid for the mileage or if it is enough in advance they can choose for the school to arrange for a taxi for them. As we are about the least progressive of the states in providing for special needs students or ANY students, maybe this is something the law person could negotiate? Esp if it was in lieu of you filing a lawsuit against district and psycho?

on the other hand, given all the evidence they are GIVING you about how they are not doing what they are supposed to do, my other thought it is to do what you can wtih the school choice and then sue the daylights out of them and use the $$ to set up a trust to provide for the two of you. Pipe dream, but a nice one. on the other hand, given psycho, it might NOT be a pipe dream.
 

buddy

New Member
TeDo, I'm sorry to hear about all of the school issues you seem to be having. I read about the redirection & you felt that wasn't helpful. For years the only thing that worked with the tweedles was redirection. Until the medications were set in place & some of the emotional garbage was sorted out we couldn't work on the behavioral ~ it just didn't sink in.

The behavioral was introduced little by little & 11 years later I'm still working on that. Your difficult child(s) have a different set of issues but when past abuse comes into play all bets are off. It takes time & much emotional distress to overcome that issue.

My thoughts & prayers are with you.
No problems! I must not have been too clear...I think redirection works great. Way better than making a big deal out of things. Make a joke, transition to something else, etc. Maybe i was talking about a specific thing, I cant' find it....

What is not working is to remove him from every single time he has an issue. No chance to work through things like they had been doing. Just a threat to stop and then calling admin several times per day. The constant threats have put him over the top with anxiety so he leaves for school saying he is going to show them all, half meaning he is going Occupational Therapist (OT) have the best day ever then saying he is going to tell them off.

Look, he IS IS IS a really hard kid. I have never insisted he go to mainstream classes, I have agreed there are times he does better in the "office" space he created, but I never asked them to give up. I never asked them to hide him from school society completely. I think they liked him in there and it has increased over time to the point now where it is hard to get him back... I am afraid I am going to look back on this either way and feel like I really failed him. I have to really rely and listen to the people I bring to the table with me who have been working with ultra hard kids for many more years than I... I need them big time, thank heaven they come to the table loaded for bear. Lawyer is mad mad mad... she is writing complaints and calling everyone. Uggg... this is so yucky. Not the life I promised him when I adopted him.
 

buddy

New Member
If they insist you come to the school, surely there is a way to make them pay for it. I know a couple of parents here who get mileage paid for trips to school meetings because their income is very low and their kids are special needs and the school needs them to be involved. So for meetings or ANY time the school calls them, they get paid for the mileage or if it is enough in advance they can choose for the school to arrange for a taxi for them. As we are about the least progressive of the states in providing for special needs students or ANY students, maybe this is something the law person could negotiate? Esp if it was in lieu of you filing a lawsuit against district and psycho?

on the other hand, given all the evidence they are GIVING you about how they are not doing what they are supposed to do, my other thought it is to do what you can wtih the school choice and then sue the daylights out of them and use the $$ to set up a trust to provide for the two of you. Pipe dream, but a nice one. on the other hand, given psycho, it might NOT be a pipe dream.

wouldn't that be good?? Set him up for life... that would be lovely for him.
 

Steely

Active Member
I am sorry - I just thought in some thread or another you had talked about this possibility. The teachers actually come to your home or a neutral place - and you wouldn't be the one doing the teaching at all - that is why I brought this up. I understand the need for him to be around positive people so that he can emulate them - and that is why I keep bringing this up. It is not as if homeschool means he is in a room all day by himself - it means going to the school for electives, and a teacher meeting him for the other stuff, and a social network of people for fun time.

I just had the worst experiences with these special schools - it only made things worse. The only thing that ever really clicked was my customized approach.

Hugs - I know this is difficult - and I don't meant to imply that you have "the resources" as if you were rich - I meant you have the ability to stay home with him and adapt your life around his needs.
 

buddy

New Member
OH you are right... yes I did bring that up..sorry I thought you meant home school. yes Home bound is an option but not a first option. We may need it inbetween and I asked about that already and they both want me to wait. He really would do better at school. he needs one on one for anything like boyscouts etc. We did that but I had to go to everything and people got very impatient. Plus a woman at those things... not always fun and at his age now, parents dont stay. Even adapted sports is tough for him. It is usually multi aged with volunteers etc. He needs people who can help teach and guide the social skills he doesn't have. I do it a lot..but all day every day, Just may be too much.
 

buddy

New Member
It means so much Steely and all of you... It just helps to vent. i am sure I am all over the place. Today I am thinking just do it, see how it works at that other school. Tomorrow I will be thinking, no get him what he deserves, something in the middle of these two extremes. Something that fits him better... part day there and part day in therapies or whatever....

You all are great....

If i do have to do it at home I sure am going to need the help of those who have been there done that! It is one thing when there are specific lessons and following the grade level work but he is all over the place and so individualized. He doesn't do state testing (well he does the alternative testing) so I dont think I would have to worry much about my not showing progress... Poor Q. Got the booby prize mom this week.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Poor Q. Got the booby prize mom this week.
<WHAP>

Nope. He sure did NOT.

Buddy... Q is the luckiest unlucky kid on the planet. Nobody deserves the kind of luck he seems to have, NOBODY. But his "bad luck" does NOT include getting YOU as his MOM.

Most... would have given up long ago. Whatever road you go on, you will still be giving him a far better future than he would ever have had without you. And you know that. Deep inside, you know that.

But........... when we, as parents, can't accomplish the things our kids need to have accomplished for them... its really tough.

{{hugs}}

Walk it through. Think outside the box. Listen to your outside resources. Listen to your mommy gut. And... listen to Q. Between you... it will come out right.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
There is NO way you should EVER look back and think you failed him. At EVERY point you did the very BEST you could for him, and Sweetie, your best is about 1000 times better than what I would be able to do. The ONLY thing you should see when you look at his life is that you loved him with every fiber of your being and you did the very best you could with the tools and options that were available at the time. This is NOT lip service or saying something to make you feel better. You truly do go WAY over and above what MOST parents would be able to cope with and you do it with humor and grace and love.

Yes, Q has some tough cards in his deck. But he also has ALL the best cards because he has YOU. In the end, when you look back at your life, you won't see the wins and losses, you will see the love. So will Q. And that, lady, is truly the hand that matters the most.
 
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