Oh boy, decided to hash it out with difficult child and it is NOT going well. I walked away+

[Signorina]

I was getting too emotional and am letting H handle it. I am now in my room with reruns of Friends blasting so that I can't even try to hear what is being said. And trying not to throw up. And God forgive me, I am hating my son right now. How could I have given birth to such a jerk??? How could I have poured so much love into this man child for 19 years and have him spit nothing but disdain at me?

He wants "HIS" CD and wants it now, transferred to his account. He thinks we are horrible people for cutting him off and now he wants nothing from us. He maintains that I hacked into his computer (totally untrue) to find his drug paraphernalia Amazon purchase and then told EVERYONE that he was a drug dealer.

(Can I mention I hate my brother and sister in law right now too. My brother for telling my sister in law the extremely personal details of what I shared with him and her for blabbing it all to my sister in law and apparently to my nephews and niece as well - all of whom have apparently said something to difficult child about it)

He hates the school he claims we chose for him (not true, we did suggest he pick a state school for financial reasons) I think he knows he is trapped there, he's stuck with his lease, his girlfriend is there now and his grades are likely too low to transfer elsewhere.

I poured out my heart to this kid last week and practically begged him to take our financial help. I followed up by giving him one of those mushy blue mountain cards that stated that I believe in him and want to support him. He didn't even say "thanks for the card".

He hasn't mentioned any of our past conversations and H decided it was time to revisit the subject (he leaves for school on Sun) and his only comment was that he wanted his CD transferred to his account in cash.

I won't do it. I won't. I am not giving my drug using child $5300. He can sue me. I don't care. I am not going to pay him $5300 just so he might pretend to like me again.

He won't show us his grades or verify his enrollment. Says its none of our business.

I have been kidding myself and I feel really sick right now. He hates me - it's so apparently obvious that the niceness he's shown was an act because the moment the conversation went beyond banalities - his lip curled and he practically spat.

 

[Nancy]

Oh Sig I'm sorry, but I agree with you not giving him the CD. He is involved in something that he does not want you to know about. People don't act that way unless they are trying to hide something. It appears as though he is getting desperate and needs the money for something other than school. I think all you can do now is wait until the pieces fall into place. You know it will eventually all come out.

He doesn't hate you, he hates that you are not giving him what he wants and he is not thinking straight. I know it's so hard to hear the awful things they say to us but you are not the one at fault here. If he was going to school he would show you the proof...period. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck it's a duck. Trust your instincts.

My difficult child said awful things to me for years, things I can't repeat here and would be embarrassed to tell anyone. She screamed at me and threw things at me and when she got desperate she escalated. I know the pain you are feeling. And I also know the hurt of family members that turned their backs and did not support our efforts.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Sig I am sorry too. He definitely doesn't hate you... that is a manipulative tactic to try and get his way!!! Stand firm, stand strong, and fake it til you make it. I remember when my difficult child told me that I would never ever see any of my grandchildren (even though he doesn't have kids at this moment in time). I remember saying to him, you can hate me all you want but I still love you. It is so painful to have your child that you have loved with all your heart talk to you like this.... but it just shows how low he has sunk and you need to let him sit in the abyss he is in. For now.

Its possible he just doesn't think it is your business... but I think there is a good chance he has not been going to school. His desperate attempt to force you to give him the CD in cash is not a good sign. He wants that money for something and it isn't school. You gave him an excellent offer and he didn't take it, that says something.

You have been a wonderful mother to him and right now he does not appreciate that but I think when he gets sober and his life together he will appreciate you again... it is going to take some time and waiting on your part. That is incredibly hard I know.

Let him complain to the police or whoever about your not giving him the CD. I doubt he will get very far. If he does then just tell them your worries....worst case you have to give him the CD... best case they tell him he has to back off.

Hugs,

TL

 

[Signorina]

Well, in the fifteen minutes it took me to write that, things turned dramatically.

H just came up here, red-eyed hands shaking and asked me to rejoin the conversation. I said I wasn't comfortable doing so. difficult child and I tend to wind each other up and I was not opening myself up to that again. He said he had finally peeled back the layers - like an onion - and that difficult child came clean.

I asked him for the details. Bear with me here -it's convoluted and 2nd hand. And h isn't great with reporting.

Apparently:

1) difficult child claims to have fallen into a depression mid semester. Until that point, he had been doing well in class. But things with "Andy" finally caught up with him and he was unable to cope. difficult child believes Andy's parents blame him for what happened with Andy since difficult child was with him? (see below)

Andy is a friend he made his freshman year - Andy was the dorm roommate of difficult child's bestie "Al" during freshman year. Apparently, the 3 of them were thick as thieves. ("Al" and difficult child have known each other forever. "Al" is a huge partier and difficult child's current roommate. ) Something happened to Andy in difficult child's presence in the spring of 2011-freshman year. As far as I can tell, Andy had some sort of paranoid schizophrenic break in the middle of the day while they were walking to class. And talked about killing himself. It was a sudden jump into the deep-end; medical help was enlisted, he was hospitalized and his parents withdrew him from school. Whatever it was difficult child witnessed - it shook him up tremendously. I have no details. Except that Andy was to be their 3rd apartment roommate and did not attend the fall semester. I believe he was planning to attend the upcoming semester & perhaps living with them. Supposedly off medicine and under control-which I find frightening.

2) He did not finish the semester either because he was in arrears or because he was failing. He did not take a student loan. He is in credit card debt because he charged his living expenses to a Visa. He owes the school $2000 or so. He is not registered for the upcoming semester because he is in arrears. He has 4 "fs", I guess. H was hazy on the details.

I told H that I didn't buy the Andy claim necessarily. Last year he blamed his second semester grades on the episode with Andy. I am not saying that it isn't true - just feeling like it is a scapegoat for difficult child. So he can't blame himself - Know what I mean??

I told him there is NO WAY we can send difficult child back to college town. That we can sort out and take care of the debt - but that difficult child needs to stay home. And go to counseling. H said he broached the idea of counseling but that difficult child doesn't want to go. H agrees that difficult child needs it 100% and will go with him if necessary and change counselors but he isn't going to push it right now. Not while difficult child is talking...he doesn't want him to shut down over this.

He asked me to join the conversation. I said I didn't want to be a part of the conversation- that I knew difficult child and I would get too emotional and it could get heated. But that I wanted difficult child to know that I love him and he could trust us and that we would figure it out. So I went downstairs and hugged him and told him it would be OK and that I had been in exactly his shoes at his age (true). And that it felt like the end of the world at the time. And it wasn't. That in retrospect it was and still is one of the best things that ever happened to me. And it was just a blip in the road. And that by sharing his sorrow with H and me, he had effectively reduced it by three.

My mommy heart tells me a lot of this goes back to when difficult child was assaulted his first week on campus and some sort of trauma response (maybe complicated a bit by post concussive issues) and plus a whole lot of self medicating.

So wish me strength in the days ahead. And in the year ahead, since it seems as though difficult child will be home. EEP

 

[buddy]

{{{sig}}}

 

[Zardo]

Great job of getting yourself out of an unproductive conversation. We are working with a family therapist who reccomends a frequent "non-emotional" response and not taking on any of difficult children "problems". I used to buy into a lot of his issues, get very emotional and end up presenting all sorts of "solutions" to him, all of which he could not have cared less about. The current theory is that HE has to solve his problems....so instead of trying to "fix" things, I repond with "that's a bummer" or "gee what do you think you should do about that?". Not always easy to do but we are trying to send a message that we are through taking on drama and HE is the captain of his own ship. I know many success stories in my town of kids who wasted away their high school or college freshman years and turned things around at the local community college when they realized what they had done. I do think that if it were me, I would offer that soft landing place ONLY if he got into outpatient and worked recovery. He has made quite a mess and you are more than willing to help, but he has to meet you half way by following the rules in your home and living there in peace. I just worry that if he comes home with a drug problem and is actively using, you and your husband will be the ones to suffer.

 

[Signorina]

Zardo, I worry about the active using too and him becoming a problem at home. I fear my 17 yo's reaction to having him home again. The peace in the house was nice - the endless worry was not. Hopefully we will be trading some peace for less anxiety. We will see though. H told him to give up the dope and it seems difficult child agreed. We will see. I hate this wait and see ****, by the way.

 

[Nancy]

So the story is out. It's a lot easier to handle when you know what you are dealing with. It's better to be in debt for living expenses then in debt to a drug dealer.

I suppose you will find out more of the story as time goes on. This thing with Andy, I'm wondering if his breakdown had anything to do with drugs and if his parents blame your difficult child for part of it. I'm putting myself in the parents shoes and I have been there. difficult child was arrested and suspended from college because some kid not enrolled in the school brought pot and beer down there and they along with two other girls had their little party and were caught. I was very angry at this guy, I know my difficult child was responsible for her own actions but she didn't bring the pot or beer, he did. I had to sit in the same courtroom with him for difficult child's sentencing. husband had to keep me calm but I did introduce myself and thank him for getting her kicked out of college and wasting our money. I'm not saying this is what happened it just doesn't fit that his parents would be mad at difficult child for nothing.

This may be a blessing in disguise. He will have to decide what to do with his life now and he knows you will not allow him to use drugs and his CD money will now be used to get him out of debt hence he has no more money to fight with you about.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Signorina]

Nancy, I am guessing that where there is smoke there is fire. I know without a doubt that Al is a huge pothead and proud of it. He brags about it and posts pictures of his score on twitter 10x a day. Since Andy was Al's roommate, I am guessing that Andy's parents blame Al. Since difficult child and Al went to HS together (but were never friends until uni), it makes sense that they are painting difficult child with that same brush. And I blame Al for difficult child's use - so - pot meet kettle. I know for a fact that my son was clean a year ago and that these problems started second semester which is also when he started smoking pot. And I know that pot can contribute to a psychotic breakdown - which Andy had - so there you have it. And you know what? His parents SHOULD blame difficult child in part because difficult child KNEW BETTER. And it should've been a wake up call to difficult child instead of an excuse to screw up further.

I have such an emotional hangover now. I feel like I have been out drinking for days. Headache, sour tummy, metallic taste in my mouth; my eyes feel like they are sinking into the sockets. Any relief I had at difficult child finally being upfront has been replaced with a NOW WHAT?

 

[Nancy]

Makes a lot of sense Sig.

I'm really sorry, I'm sure you feel like you were hit by a truck. Take care of yourself now, you will need your strength.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Sig, I don't know what to say but I do understand the emotional wallop. I think you have a rough road ahead but stay strong and insist on treatment as a condition of living in your home.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[toughlovin]

Sig... I agree with Nancy that now at least you have a sense of what was going on. Having some idea of what has been going on is much better than being totally in the dark. It sounds like he is owning up to at least some of what is going on which is definitely a good start.

I suggest trying to take the approach of listening to what he thinks he needs and offering options but try to steer clear of telling him what he has to do in regards to treatment. He really needs to be ready for help for it to work.

Certainly set reasonable limits in your home and let him know if he violates your reasonable rules he will have to leave. Do not let him stay in your home and treat you badly, violate your rules or use drugs. This is where that fine line between helping and enabling gets very fine and sometimes it is hard to see it.... so continue to be clear with yourself and with him.... and make sure you and hubby are on the same page.

And keep us posted.

TL

 

[Signorina]

I am going to crawl into bed-h is pounding away on his punching bag in the basement below and the sound is almost comforting.

I just want to say I love you guys. You get it and you have been my most valued source of support and guidance. When I didn't (and don't) know where to turn, I turn(ed) here. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[toughlovin]

Aw shucks!!! I feel the same... this has been a lifeline for me.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

I am glad that you now know a good bit of the truth behind his behavior. I totally understand the physical symptoms of emotional exhaustion. Get some rest. You do not have to do everything immediatly. Take you time to make a good solid plan that you can stick to.

 

[Nancy]

We love you too Sig. And I feel the same way. I think our higher power put us together.

 

[Kathy813]

Glad we can help. Goodness knows I don't think I would have been able to weather the storm without this place.

Get some sleep. Warrior moms need to keep up their strength.

 

[pinevalley]

I am sending you good wishes for strength for the days ahead with your difficult child. ((((HUGS))))

 

[lovemysons]

Signorina,
Thinking of you this morning and hoping you got some much needed rest from the emotional exhaustion.

Hugs,
LMS

 

[FlowerGarden]

Hope you are feeling better today. Dealing with difficult children can put such a strain on our health...physically, mentally, and emotionally. Make sure you take at least a few minutes each day to do something comforting for yourself. I try to read a chapter of a book, talk to a friend on the phone, or just sit with a cup of tea and my loveable cat. It does help a bit. Coming here is definitely a must, too. The support, advice, and opinions from the members here is awesome. This site has been the best "medicine" for me!