Oh boy...trouble in my family

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by upallnight, Nov 2, 2013.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Here goes,
    I can never share this info with anyone in real life. In May my brother in law, husband's brother, called us and wanted to meet for dinner. His wife was somewhere and a friend of theirs was babysitting the 4 year old. He was going to pick up the 4 year old and come over, he was nearby. husband and I got ready to go out. A long tome passed, he never showed so we ate at home. 2 hours after the phone call he showed up (we kept calling him, but he didn't answer) and we went out , just for a drink, we had eaten. We love our niece and wanted to see her, brother in law can eat, we'll have a drink.
    So that happened. At the restaurant brother in law drank one drink and was TOTALLY drunk. We realized that for the 2 hours he was at a bar and drinking. That one drink we had together put him over the edge. husband and I were worried, how was he going to drive home with niece? OMG also, someone is babysitting your child while you are at a bar? He is 50 and has a 24 year old and a 4 year old. Now, during the meal brother in law kept saying to me how I was the most beautiful woman he ever met, and will I marry him. Strange because those of you who know me on facebook, I'm the biggest tomboy ever. I do always wear lots of make-up and nails are done. But, not beautiful, right? Ok it's weird and husband is mad as heck. (In high school brother in law took husband's girlfriend away for a weekend suddenly...husband will never forgive brother in law for this)
    I know he is drunk and kidding.
    So, husband and I were secretly communicating should we keep niece and tell him to get his wife ( a barmaid who had cancer and needed to get married quick because she had cancer and didn't have benefits and brother in law did her A FAVOR and married her so she can have cancer treatments ONLY then wanted to divorce her but she got pregnant) to pick her up. This is the moment that we regret forever and ever.

    We did nothing. Then as we were getting into the car and saying goodbye, my drunk brother in law put his hand DOWN THERE on me. I got in the car and told husband right away. 2 seconds after saying goodbye, brother in law called husband's phone, we were still in the parking lot and I already told husband this. He was only calling to see if husband knew what brother in law had done (we feel). husband knew alright. But he said he is finished with this guy, brother or not. He was being so inappropriate all evening regardless.
    Now difficult child is getting married and we didn't invite them to the wedding. We also agreed that it would embarrass us and brother in law to announce all this to all. brother in law would deny it and we would look like jerks so that was it.
    husband never accepted brother in law's numerous calls since the or anything.
    Now difficult child is having a wedding. We didn't invite brother in law and sister in law, 24 year old was given an oral invite from difficult child (he's not coming because his dad isn't invited) sister in law called here ranting and raving how she hates us all and how dare we...she has no clue about her drunken husband. She said horrible things on the message...HORRIBLE.

    She called father in law and said all this awful stuff about us to husband's own dad. (Hello barmaid? That is his dad!) OK. I wanted to ask your advice because I wanted to tell her what happened. I have to. As I am typing all this she called and I told her. I already had 2 glasses of wine (don't judge me please, it's Saturday) and I was very calm and explained all this to her. Now she knows the truth. She is very understanding. She agreed we should have taken the child and she got off the phone to process this. Now husband had to tell his dad and told him this whole truth so now he knows.

    difficult child and my easy child kids have no idea why we are mad at uncle.
    He just trusts us. Well, I finally got all that off my chest. Thanks for listening. My father in law will probably hate me and think I made it up....this is why we didn't want anyone to know. I really love father in law but he loves his brother in law more so he won't believe it. Who would make this up? I just had to tell someone.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I would have told her immediately. But that is just me. These things have a way of coming back to bite you in the backside when you try to keep them quiet, so it's best to say something at the time.

    Nichole had a somewhat similar incident with sister in law, kept it to herself against my advice, and it blew up months later in her face. It was all resolved and all is well now......but yeah.

    Odds are, you and husband are not the only one to have issues with brother in law especially when he is drinking. They likely just figure something happened and you've distanced yourself from him. As for anyone who hasn't.......well, it will be what it will be.

    Fred's brother didn't attend anything for our kids, none of his family did, due to the "issue" between them. We invited them to most big things until they moved out of state, but knew they would likely not show. This included Fred's memorial........which they eventually did not show up for. Sister in law was/is still very upset over that no show.

    husband could maybe sit his dad down and explain what happened, as well as explain why it was not blabbed to the whole family. It is a reasonable reason. I think his dad would likely understand.

    As for the wedding..........try not to stress. Weddings are happy occasions and should be enjoyed. It is a celebration for the couple, not really anyone else. If they're ok with brother in law not being invited.....well, that is all that matters.

    Hang in there, this too shall pass.
  3. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    ((hugs))...I hate awful family stuff. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would have told her right away too but then again I don't know the dynamics in your husband's family. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You know what? This situation is exactly the reason I don't drink and don't hang with people who are getting drunk (I don't care if they get drunk, but not around us). This is not uncommon. The poor fool, because he was drunk, got sexually provocative and obnoxious and I'm not sure I would have said anything either because of his frame of mind. Don't get me wrong. I would have reacted. I probably would have slapped him...lol. And I'd have left it at that, except to explain to husband.

    If he'd been sober, I would have probably told his wife, but not sure I'd have gotten that involved, other than to report to her that he had been driving drunk with child. I have not been in this sort of situation since we do avoid drunks like the plague and leave if we suspect, but my sister hangs out with people who drink and this actually is COMMON when somebody is a bit lit up by booze. She has seen men make passes at other women in front of their wives while plastered. In fact, she says it happens all the time. I don't know if it is true or not. Just got her word. It does seem that men flirt with her married men friends try to touch her a lot when they are loaded. Even a girlfriend of hers tried to once...go figure. This is while they were all hanging at some bar.

    I actually would probably put it down to "idiotically drunken behavior" and move on. I wouldn't engage him. I wouldn't socialize with him. But, if I had any interest in peace amongst my DNA clan, I would just have let it go, with the solemn promise to myself to never hang with him again unless in a large group and to avoid him at all costs while he is drunk.

    No drama is more emotional and crazed than amongst DNA/family members and, due to having such a dysfunctional family, before I'd had the guts to ditch them, I put up with a lot of crud just to hope for peace and this lack of family gossip and meanness and false information often due to everyone not knowing the details.

    If it were me, I would have taken the child, but not said anything. Either way, however, it will pass. If father in law doesn't believe you, the best thing you can do is to try to work it out so that it doesn't bother you. I would tell myself, during times when I was not believed about things, "Well, you knew this was probably going to happen so just move on." Is it really that important?

    Hugs and I hope it all works out and that you do not allow father in law to hurt you too much.
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for reading that and validating that. I know that whole family will think I'm lying. If anything, I. personally, would be understanding because I like a drink or 2 myself. husband was mad and said he is never talking to him again. Now everyone knows, my father in law doesn't need to know all this. I understand he was just drunk and could forgive, but husband saw this behavior all evening at the restaurant and cannot. We had no idea he had been drinking at all, he seemed fine until he had that 1 drink.

    On another note, my difficult child is getting married!!! This girl is so nice!! I love her. She is difficult child's twin, I swear! I know she was a difficult child too from my understanding. Now, they are the opposite of difficult child's! This is a happy time and I am glad brother in law and sister in law are not coming, they would start trouble, especially because there is an open bar.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Celebrate your children!!!!

    Hey, two drinks doesn't sound like brother in law had when he hit on you. Sounds like her had maybe six or ten...lol.

    Just enjoy your immediate family; try to tune out the drama. You have much to be thankful for with the wedding!

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, I am SO very sorry that you had to experience your brother in law's behavior. I do NOT think that the statement that he is a poor fool who got inappropriate while drunk. It is NOT a drunken mistake, it is actually a sexual assault. It is not rape, but it IS something that a stranger could have him prosecuted for if there were witnesses, and it is NOT OKAY EVER. What you have eaten, ingested, drunk, or if you are wearing purple paisley with lime green polka dots. It just isn't okay.

    You do NOT need to apologize and ask people not to judge because you had 2 drinks. You are an adult, and it is a personal choice, period.

    I can see why you did not want to discuss it. Whether you feel you should be able to forgive it and brush it off or not, you don't need to explain that someone touched you inappropriately without your consent. I think your husband's reaction of not wanting anything more to do with brother in law is totally appropriate. It would be one thing if you had responded in an encouraging way to his advances, but I know you didn't, and you know you didn't, and your husband and brother in law know you didn't. That is what makes brother in law's actions unacceptable.

    other people have seen brother in law be this inappropriate. Your husband likely has a very long history of yoru brother in law doing ugly things to him and violating you was the last straw for your husband. I realize that most women would write off the drunken grope as something done while drunk that he didn't mean. But it seems doubtful that you are the only woman that this man has done this too. his comments to you and his inappropriate behavior has absolutely NOTHING to do with your looks, your sex appeal, his sexual urges, his attraction to you, or his alcohol consumption. Your brother in law's actions have EVERYTHING to do with power, control, RAGE, and utter disdain for you as a person, as his sister in law, or for your husband and his relationship with you. Your brother in law is seriously disturbed.

    I am so sorry you have to experience the drama from the relatives. It is wrong of them, and none of their business. Please don't let yourself be alone with your brother in law. esp if alcohol is involved. When drinking he can behave as badly as he wants and it is all forgiven "because he was drunk".

    Congrats on the wedding! It is lovely that you like the girl. I hope you enjoy the wedding and that they have a long and happy life together.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I came home from work yesterday and she left another awful message to husband only. She said some more vile awful things about me only this time, instead of the whole family. Like I have a history of mental illness....(I was treated for anorexia).....and called me a liar but way, way worse. It was a crazy rant and upset me. She wasn't there, husband and I were. I'm very upset. brother in law knows he did it or he would have called husband right away upset about me lying after this came to light on Saturday. Only I didn't lie.... and he knows it so that's why he never called husband. It was just a message but that's what she did on Friday as well. This is why we never told anyone, it was just ugly and embarrassing and now I'm being attacked. She should call husband on his cell, he'll set her straight, she'd be afraid to do that.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I see you're in your mid-40's and that was about the time I realized I had to let go of my fear/horror of the things my DNA family said about me. Why does it even matter if they spew nonsense to you about you, as if you don't know you??? I made things even worse by engaging my mother and my husband got mad and called her and told her in a stern voice not to call my children (that was the final straw). She acted like a victim and ramped up her trash talk about me to fever pitch, but also included my husband in it and she had never even met him. Oh, yes, and my children, who were minors at the time and she didn't really know them either.

    After that, I forced myself to calm down and be the rational one and I simply stopped listening to phone messages from her or anyone who could be abusive. I had caller ID back in the day and did not pick up their calls or any "Private Phone" calls. Basically, that's when regular contact ceased because I had listened to how horrible I was for some 42 years (I'm guessing here...it's about that time) and I was done. I did not go to family affairs, which used to stress me out so much before hand that I used to be shaking and in tears and usually the pack rats did turn their wrath on me and my kids. I could handle when it was me, but not when it was my kids. It would take weeks to recover.

    You have to ask yourself if it is worth it to angst over silly, untrue allegations about yourself? You can't change how they feel about you. If they want to see you in a distorted way that makes them feel better about themselves, you can't make them feel differently. Been there. Tried. Useless.

    We started having nice little holidays without the drama and NO FIGHTING!!!!!! Sure, the gatherings were and still are small, but they are cozy and loving.

    There is no reason...NONE...for them to abuse you that way and there is no reason...NONE...that you should ever listen to them doing that again. You did what you felt was right at the time and it's over. I'm a bit intolerant of drinking and I'm sorry if I sounded harsh about your two drinks. Two drinks is no big deal. I was talking about obviously super-drunk brother in law who is probably no prize when he is sober either! You can move on even if they can't. Let them rant to each other. You don't have to give them your ear.

    You can't control other people, even by being nice. Hugs to you. I hope you find peace and learn to detach from these mean folks.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    MWM-Thank you for that.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi UAN......

    Wow what a sticky situation. Ahhhhhhh the "dozens" I love family mud festivals. This is mostly why I do not have a family. Well that's a lie. I don't have a family because they died. (chuckles to self) That and they're *******s. If you have never met anyone that has disowned their entire family because they are jerks? You can say you know one now. After my Grandmother passed? When she had no Grandsons that could "man up" and trust me those are not my original words of choice to carry her casket to her final resting place? So I did five months pregnant with my Father and some stranger from the Funeral home? You bet I disowned every last one of them. When I did? They had the usual mud fest and like your family all the pent up terra-firma came spewing forth. Was a wonderful thing to sit and listen to their version of the truth once and for all because I don't think any of them would know the truth if it bit them twice and left a laceration large enough wanting for stitchery.
    The important thing from this point out however is (and this is key) You know where they stand because people in anger show their hand. They've spilled their beans and told their secrets and unless they are inhuman they've really given up all their ghosts. You on the other hand have not. Home team 1 visitor 0. Big old fat zero. Human condition is marvelous isn't it?

    I think what I would do is invite him to meet with your husband alone, not you, not her.....not the kids. Mano a mano. Since you were touched in your secret garden.....I think I'd let your husband plow this jerks field. Really. This man needs to know the sober truth about what he did. No family drama. I'm kind of catty so I'd meet in a bar. (You think I jest---I'd meet in the same bar old pickle head got sauced in) Maybe the surroundings would bring back some memories of the night.

    Does the act get forgiven? Nope. Does it go away? I think that's up to you and husband. Does he and the wifey get to come to the wedding? Not likely. But does the responsibility of TELLING wifey lay with him? Yeah I think it does. And I think I'd give him about 10 -20 minutes to do that...(maybe you call her and tell her that they are at the (restaurant bar and she should go there if she wants to know the story) ...because I'd have her meet THEM at the restaurant/bar----about 10 -20 minutes AFTER your DF told brother in law what and WHY they were banned from the wedding. If you wanted to show up after she did? So be it, but I think a lady's honor is at stake here so IF I were you I'd let my husband handle the situation and then wait at home for him to tell me what THEY said and see if THEY would be honest with the family about why they were NOT invited to the wedding.

    I think it's CLASSY.....I think it's KIND,,,,,,I think it's HONEST......and I think it's straightforward. It also gets both of you off the hook, with the rest of the family because BOTH of you have told BOTH of them. Then I think I'd have husband also say to them.....that he appreciated THEM being so honest and let them know that all the ugly things that THEY said to YOUR family about Father????? You'll remember, but keep to yourselves because it was ugly and hurtful. Then leave and explain it will take time for him to decide if he wants his brother in law to be back around HIS WIFE. Drunk or sober. But.....he's forgiven.....just not forgotten.

    I think all people should be forgiven.....Just like we're forgiven. If we want to be forgiven we should forgive others. Keeps you from buying a boatload of Nexium too.

    Hugs & Love
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie...lol (your posts are hilarious) I just want you to know I disowned my family for being jerks to me and my kids, at least the ones who hadn't yet disowned me...lolol. So there are two of us!!!

    But we do have many blessings in spite of that. :) Both of us do, right??? :)
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Wifey found out Saturday when I told her. This incident happened in May. Things have gotten uglier as now they are calling all kinds of people to say I made this up. Then THOSE people call husband who is hysterically angry and tells those people about the whole evening. EW!!!

    Interesting how brother in law has never called husband once he knew why husband had been mad all this time. If someone wrongly accused me of something I would get on the phone and say WTF?! He won't call husband because he knows he did that.

    husband has another brother who this brother in law has not spoken to in 7 or 8 years. Here is why, 24 year old did something wrong in high school. The other brother in law's wife is a teacher there and she let him face the consequences instead of trying to get him out of trouble. So instead of being mad at his own son, he got mad at the sister in law teacher and never, ever spoke to his own brother again. They never even met his 4 year old. Another example of how this brother in law doesn't want himself or his family to take responsibilty for their actions. Instead it's my fault or his other sister in law,s fault.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    It's time's like these I'm glad I can't quite get those old "ADDAGES" correct....because it's so much more amusing.....

    You can't pick your family but you can pick your nose....and wipe your brother in law on your sleeve.....no no no.
    You can pick your nose but you CAN'T pick which brother in law is a complete booger.
    Tis snot for me to pick my family but to pick my nose is devine?

    I'm sorry like I said both families and noses are full of boogers - both are better just shot out of your nose and into a Kleenex then disposed of in the wastepaper basket of life. Why? Because you can't pick them in public and they're usually snotty, and they annoy us to the point of being knuckle deep in agony - wishing you could flick them away privately or wipe them on some hidden hankey of shame but somehow they always manage to crawl back up your.... nose and irritate us over and over again. If this were not true Benadryl and Vodka would not sell so well.

    I vote for waiting until your brother in law is asleep and finding out where he parks his car and pasting a bumper sticker on the back of his car that makes a grand statement like I LOVE GERBILS
  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Star......you are so funny! How has your df been? I hope he has recovered and you are all well.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    DF is not well. He was very sick in February and we almost lost him due to another surgery on his back. This time to remove all the hardware, that became infected as a result of another MRSA from surgery that they did on his knee replacement in June. The infection went in his knee up his back and settled in his hardware. He was in ICU for a while, and went on dialysis. He had over 9 doctors working on him and was very close to death so much so that we planned for his passing. It was a hard time because around the same time, Dude tried to come home and got sentenced to prison for 4 years. My Mother was also very ill, our only vehicle blew up and I really thought I was going to have a stroke. At one point I ended up in the er with a BiPolar (BP) 266/140 and the fire dept thought I had already had a stroke. Nope....Just nerves. But you know old Star. Walked 2o some miles to work.....in the dark and cold, and figured it all out. We have no one here. I never let on to DF....and found out again who I had as so called friends at my new job. Then In Dec I got hit by a car, and it messed my back up, and the pain was just ridiculous, and it took a while to get into a pain mgmt. guy. But seems to be a little better now. That's why I wasn't on the board. Wasn't good for anyone.

    DF now is about to the point where he can't walk, and I imagine within the next year he won't be driving. They want to try and put some pacemaker thing in him to help. I'm not sure I want ANY more surgeries done in SC at all. Begging him to get an attorney. But not sure if he's going to do it or not. His brain is like Swiss cheese...some days I'm just glad he remembers what he does. He hates it. I hate it for him. Nothing to do though. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll luck up on a good atty. I got one but I'm not so hopeful. Mine doesn't think despite the fact I was temporarily paralyzed it's going to amount to much. (shrug) I just keep plugging along. The granddaughter and her Mother stopped contacting us October of last year....so I have no idea what Addison looks like. Dude has a new friend and I talk to her sometimes.....but she has a life and a son and he's not a part of our lives. And he's not Dudes (makes sign of cross). haha.
    Thanks for asking (chuckles out loud) Hugs & Love Star.
  17. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    UAN...this is typical of society these days. Blame everyone else and then play the victim, instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. Sorry you are the one that is getting blamed....and your other sister in law. I, too, have family like this. It's just better to stay away.....they are like poison that just slowly eats away at you. Take the high road...if someone calls to ask you what happened, just say that you don't need to explain yourself and you are not going to continue the evil talk and rumor mill. If they can't accept it then it's their problem.
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Exactly, I agree, I don't need to defend myself.