I could really use some advice on what to do about my son. Since the day he was born he has been exhausting to raise. He is 10 now and I andd the rest of my family are just so lost as to what to do. Nothing works with him. I feel guilty and angry, and to be down right honest, scared of what kind of adult he will turn into if I dont figure out how to help him. Please give me any advice you guys have....
Oh Boy
- Thread starter jakesma
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Has he ever been evaluated? If not, I suggest having him see a neuropsychologist (my favorite diagnosticians) to see why he is so difficult. After that, you can start getting him help.
Would you like to share more about his behavior so that we can help a little better? Welcome to the board
Would you like to share more about his behavior so that we can help a little better? Welcome to the board
LittleDudesMom
Well-Known Member
Hi Jakesma and welcome to the board.
It's kinda hard to give you advice when we really don't know what specific kind of behaviors your son has.
So, some questions - what kind of doctor(s) have you taken your son to? How was his early development (did he meet all those milestones on time like walking, speaking, etc.)? How are his social interactions, doe he have friends? What about school - how are his grades and his relationship with his teachers? What are the dynamics at home - single parent, siblings, family history of drug abuse or mental illness?
Have you read "The Explosive Child"? It's by Ross Greene and it is a standard around here. If you have not read it, I suggest you pick up a copy.
Again, welcome to the site.
Sharon
It's kinda hard to give you advice when we really don't know what specific kind of behaviors your son has.
So, some questions - what kind of doctor(s) have you taken your son to? How was his early development (did he meet all those milestones on time like walking, speaking, etc.)? How are his social interactions, doe he have friends? What about school - how are his grades and his relationship with his teachers? What are the dynamics at home - single parent, siblings, family history of drug abuse or mental illness?
Have you read "The Explosive Child"? It's by Ross Greene and it is a standard around here. If you have not read it, I suggest you pick up a copy.
Again, welcome to the site.
Sharon
Allan-Matlem
Active Member
I second the latest edition of the explosive child and it's site http://livesinthebalance.org . I would focus on building a relationship, one on one connecting, chatting, him speaking we listening helping him to take perspectives , articualte his concerns and needs. Using the CPS approach , we first try to relax the atmosphere , reduce conflict, avoid triggers . Mentors, older brothers etc are very useful.
Allan
Allan
He reached milestones at average age. He is a great student, but its a battle to get him to go some days. I am a remarried parent with a daughter from his father and a daughter from my second husband. His dad is an alcholic and has mental issues that were never diagnosed.this is the reason we split after 12 years. That was 3 and half years ago.
He has friends but keeps the at a safe distance. His behavior is hard to explain as it's so "normal" for me now. He is very mean to his 7 year old sister. He doesnt take any responsibility for his part in anything EVER. He is very needy and always wants me to come running when he calls. He throws fits as I call them sometimes for hours. He throws things when he is angry and when he breaks them he says I didnt mean too. He wont brush his teeth or take a shower without a complete melt down , which of course is daily. Bedtime has always been the worst part of raising him. He gets overtired and just won't admit he needs sleep. He still wets the bed, and also soils himself, hence the reason for the chiro. In my opinion he doesn't listen to his body's needs. Oh if something on his body is hurting he will ride it out like no ones buisness, even though I have done all I can to help him, (eg. when he gets a cold he flips out.)
He has friends but keeps the at a safe distance. His behavior is hard to explain as it's so "normal" for me now. He is very mean to his 7 year old sister. He doesnt take any responsibility for his part in anything EVER. He is very needy and always wants me to come running when he calls. He throws fits as I call them sometimes for hours. He throws things when he is angry and when he breaks them he says I didnt mean too. He wont brush his teeth or take a shower without a complete melt down , which of course is daily. Bedtime has always been the worst part of raising him. He gets overtired and just won't admit he needs sleep. He still wets the bed, and also soils himself, hence the reason for the chiro. In my opinion he doesn't listen to his body's needs. Oh if something on his body is hurting he will ride it out like no ones buisness, even though I have done all I can to help him, (eg. when he gets a cold he flips out.)
He's definitely needing a comprehensive evaluation. Obviously there's LOTS more details on a daily basis, but just from what you have written... I'd be suspecting...
1) Sensory issues - an Occupational Therapist (OT) can evaluate for that, and provide guidance and/or therapy. This can be a HUGE problem.
2) Overtired - this is a complex issue. You see, there are multiple types of "tired", and therefore multiple solutions. For example, if he is mentally or emotionally tired but not physically tired, it can be really hard to get to sleep and/or get enough sleep. Then there's the whole challenge of "quality of sleep" - kids can get 12 hours a night, and still not get the deep sleep they need so much. Being tired - just that alone - is enough to drive a kid crazy. And all sorts of behavior problems come out of that.
3) the bedwetting etc. could be a raft of things... from developmental (will eventually outgrow), to exhaustion, to medical problems, to whatever else!
I'm seeing a kid with needs that you are not aware of. You need to get to the bottom of the needs, before you will make much progress on dealing with behaviors. At least, that
s been our experience.
1) Sensory issues - an Occupational Therapist (OT) can evaluate for that, and provide guidance and/or therapy. This can be a HUGE problem.
2) Overtired - this is a complex issue. You see, there are multiple types of "tired", and therefore multiple solutions. For example, if he is mentally or emotionally tired but not physically tired, it can be really hard to get to sleep and/or get enough sleep. Then there's the whole challenge of "quality of sleep" - kids can get 12 hours a night, and still not get the deep sleep they need so much. Being tired - just that alone - is enough to drive a kid crazy. And all sorts of behavior problems come out of that.
3) the bedwetting etc. could be a raft of things... from developmental (will eventually outgrow), to exhaustion, to medical problems, to whatever else!
I'm seeing a kid with needs that you are not aware of. You need to get to the bottom of the needs, before you will make much progress on dealing with behaviors. At least, that
s been our experience.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
With biol. dad having mental health issues, which can be inherited, and his out-of-control behavior, I suggest a neuropsychologist evaluation ASAP. There is no point in waiting...he already has waited long enough. Sounds like he has sensory issues, which sometimes affect the ability for a child to know when he has to go to the bathroom. Also, it is common in a few disorders...sensory integration disorder rarely stands alone.
Keep us posted!
Keep us posted!
Who is the evaluation set up with? (what kind of doctors etc.)
Many people feel like you do - that getting "labels" is scary.
However... until you know what you are dealing with, its very difficult to make progress - and even when you do, you don't know why it works.
I'll take "accurate medical labels" over the ones our difficult child kids tend to get from school, the legal system and society in general - lazy, stupid, good-for-nothing, etc.
Just have to make sure the medical labels are accurate.
How? Try them on for size. Does it make sense? Do the interventions have some measurable positive impact? Do the labels (dxes) seem to explain all the issues?
If it fits, use it. If it doesn't fit - then usually either there are other explanations for the symptoms, OR you haven't found the right interventions.
We just got another label. therapist was upset - took it as very bad news, because the kid has to live with this problem for the rest of his life. WE took it as good news... the problem has always been there, but now we know, and the school knows, and the medical community knows... and we can start doing something about it.
Your feelings are understandable. And you're dumping them in the right place - among soft shoulders and experienced hearts.
Hang in there!
Many people feel like you do - that getting "labels" is scary.
However... until you know what you are dealing with, its very difficult to make progress - and even when you do, you don't know why it works.
I'll take "accurate medical labels" over the ones our difficult child kids tend to get from school, the legal system and society in general - lazy, stupid, good-for-nothing, etc.
Just have to make sure the medical labels are accurate.
How? Try them on for size. Does it make sense? Do the interventions have some measurable positive impact? Do the labels (dxes) seem to explain all the issues?
If it fits, use it. If it doesn't fit - then usually either there are other explanations for the symptoms, OR you haven't found the right interventions.
We just got another label. therapist was upset - took it as very bad news, because the kid has to live with this problem for the rest of his life. WE took it as good news... the problem has always been there, but now we know, and the school knows, and the medical community knows... and we can start doing something about it.
Your feelings are understandable. And you're dumping them in the right place - among soft shoulders and experienced hearts.
Hang in there!
Allan-Matlem
Active Member
Hi,
Labels are mostly descriptive and of limited use - need them to get accomodations, maybe medication.
Here is a check list of missing skills and a place to write down the pile of unsolved problems. This could be very helpful with the assessment. We then need to take our list of unsolved problems , prioritize and start working on a few of them with your son in a collaborative way , maybe with the help of a therapist
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/ALSUP.rev_.4-21-11.pdf
bedwetting
exercise to strengthen the muscles - pass urine for the count 21,22,23 - hold and count 21,22,23 and so on
a psychiatrist wrote this
The alarms are kind of a joke. The principle is that AFTER the sensor (which is placed in the pajamas) detects moisture then it alarms. Eventually the brain will begin to associate the feeling of a full bladder with awakening through a conditioned response (the vibrating alarm being the operand). In theory it sounds reasonable but in practice it is an exercise in frustration. Many times you simply condition the brain to arouse when there is moisture in the clothing. Not much help there!
I prescribe the antidiuretic hormone analogue with the clear warning that this does not cure enuresis. It only causes your urine to be concentrated enough so that hopefully your bladder doesn't fill until you're close enough to morning that you will waken spontaneously or hopefully waken before you completely fill the bladder. Stop the medicine and the enuresis immediately returns. Chronic constipation which was mentioned in the article is actually a very common association with bedwetting and easily remedied (pressure on the bladder outlet leads to incomplete emptying and small frequent voids - other causes of pressure on the bladder outlet: pregnant uterus, enlarged prostate).
Usually these kids feel ashamed and humiliated. My experience with other kids at summer camp confirms this. When evaluating a kid with enuresis, I dutifully rule out the aforementioned rare causes, ask the mom/dad when she/he quit wetting the bed, and reassure that if the child quits before that age then you should consider yourself lucky. Then I usually go on to prescribe the antidiuretic hormone as a 'stop gap' measure to keep their beds dry and summer camp more enjoyable.
Allan
Labels are mostly descriptive and of limited use - need them to get accomodations, maybe medication.
Here is a check list of missing skills and a place to write down the pile of unsolved problems. This could be very helpful with the assessment. We then need to take our list of unsolved problems , prioritize and start working on a few of them with your son in a collaborative way , maybe with the help of a therapist
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/ALSUP.rev_.4-21-11.pdf
bedwetting
exercise to strengthen the muscles - pass urine for the count 21,22,23 - hold and count 21,22,23 and so on
a psychiatrist wrote this
The alarms are kind of a joke. The principle is that AFTER the sensor (which is placed in the pajamas) detects moisture then it alarms. Eventually the brain will begin to associate the feeling of a full bladder with awakening through a conditioned response (the vibrating alarm being the operand). In theory it sounds reasonable but in practice it is an exercise in frustration. Many times you simply condition the brain to arouse when there is moisture in the clothing. Not much help there!
I prescribe the antidiuretic hormone analogue with the clear warning that this does not cure enuresis. It only causes your urine to be concentrated enough so that hopefully your bladder doesn't fill until you're close enough to morning that you will waken spontaneously or hopefully waken before you completely fill the bladder. Stop the medicine and the enuresis immediately returns. Chronic constipation which was mentioned in the article is actually a very common association with bedwetting and easily remedied (pressure on the bladder outlet leads to incomplete emptying and small frequent voids - other causes of pressure on the bladder outlet: pregnant uterus, enlarged prostate).
Usually these kids feel ashamed and humiliated. My experience with other kids at summer camp confirms this. When evaluating a kid with enuresis, I dutifully rule out the aforementioned rare causes, ask the mom/dad when she/he quit wetting the bed, and reassure that if the child quits before that age then you should consider yourself lucky. Then I usually go on to prescribe the antidiuretic hormone as a 'stop gap' measure to keep their beds dry and summer camp more enjoyable.
Allan
