Oh come on! Always....it's not my fault!

[lovelyboy]

So difficult child didnt want to do homework yesterday and only started at 5 o'clock...So he was VERY tired!
He had a terrible,cryi g, screeming session inbetween......So he was sitting trying to do his spelling, while the tears were running down his face.....dripping on his book! I was surprised when he asked:Why is my book wet?.....then he started rubbing the wet paper, causing it to tear and made wholes in his book.....Later I said to him: Look how bad your book looks now......His answer: It's not MY fault!!!!!! I asked him was it my tears or his......Answer(as all with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids would gues): it's YOUR fault because you made me cry!!!!
I give up!!!!! I think I am going to book a ticket to the moon!!!!!)

 

[TeDo]

You have that exactly right. That is soooooooo exactly what difficult child 1 says most of the time something isn't just right. It IS very aggravating but at least you know WHY it's happening.

 

[pasajes4]

Can I go with you. Maybe we can get a group rate.

 

[Marguerite]

You need to get away from blame. They pick up this habit from us and it leads to exactly what you describe - they look for who/what to blame rather than deal with what IS.

We first get into blame when we try to teach our kids about consequences. "You didn't come to the table when you were claled for dinner, now your dinner is cold." Natural consequences. But it can so easily be presented as "You didn't come to the table when you were called, so if your dinner is cold it's your fault."
The difference is so subtle but it can make a huge difference.

When our kids (and we) are focussed on blame, it can actually lead AWAY from logical natural consequences and instead teach the individual to focus on blaming rather than dealing with things. So if your kid is looking forward to an excursion to the beach but the day dawns and it's cold and raining, your kid will try to find fault. Whose fault is it that you're not going to the beach after all? He will rage, he will insist you promised, that you are at fault for not predicting the weather, that somehow it can be all fixed so he can go after all.

We had to change what we said. "Sometimes bad things happen to good people." Or "Sometimes there is nobody at fault. Sometimes things just ARE."

It takes time to unlearn the blaming.

Getting back to the tears on the book - we used to find that the more stressed difficult child 3 was, the less he was able to focus and often the more ripped up was his work sheet. I explained to his teachers and we did our best to work around it. But it was never about blame. "Honey, if you are feeling really stressed while you work, squeeze your stress ball."
In your case, if you had mopped the page while he cried, just dealing with what was happening without any blaming, then he might not have tried to connect his tears with your words later on.

Another very important lesson for everybody - people will do or say things sometimes that are not nice. But we can choose how we respond to this. If someone says, "You're ugly," you can respond (in your thoughts) with, "That must be why I have no friends," or you could think to yourself, "Appearance is just a matter of opinion. I don't need to value what she said anyway. Why would I value words from someone who can be so rude?"
The first response reinforces negative feelings and makes you sadder. The second boosts your confidence and helps you shrug it off.
So it boils down to this - when you are arguing with someone, you have a choice to let their words hurt you, or mentally walk away.
And teaching your entire family to avoid blaming, is a good way to start.

Marg

 

[lovelyboy]

Marg....can I put you in my pocket and carry you with me, so I can ask for your wisdom when so terribly needed?x
I promise, I will be nice to you!

 

[Marguerite]

That's very sweet of you. Just put it down to my having a housefull (and more) of difficult children to deal with. mother in law is increasingly difficult child-ish lately too, so I'm getting a constant refresher course!

Marg

 

[Bunny]

mother in law is increasingly difficult child-ish lately too, so I'm getting a constant refresher course!

Just when you think that your difficult child raising years are behind you, in comes a difficult child-ish mother in law!! Does it never end?

Lovelyboy, my difficult child would have said the same thing. Maybe we could all go to the moon together? It could be a difficult child free zone!

 

[TerryJ2]

Logical consequences, yes. Ticket to the moon? Group rate? Absolutely. I'm in.

 

[buddy]

You need to get away from blame. They pick up this habit from us and it leads to exactly what you describe - they look for who/what to blame rather than deal with what IS.

We first get into blame when we try to teach our kids about consequences. "You didn't come to the table when you were claled for dinner, now your dinner is cold." Natural consequences. But it can so easily be presented as "You didn't come to the table when you were called, so if your dinner is cold it's your fault."
The difference is so subtle but it can make a huge difference.

When our kids (and we) are focussed on blame, it can actually lead AWAY from logical natural consequences and instead teach the individual to focus on blaming rather than dealing with things. So if your kid is looking forward to an excursion to the beach but the day dawns and it's cold and raining, your kid will try to find fault. Whose fault is it that you're not going to the beach after all? He will rage, he will insist you promised, that you are at fault for not predicting the weather, that somehow it can be all fixed so he can go after all.

We had to change what we said. "Sometimes bad things happen to good people." Or "Sometimes there is nobody at fault. Sometimes things just ARE."

It takes time to unlearn the blaming.

Getting back to the tears on the book - we used to find that the more stressed difficult child 3 was, the less he was able to focus and often the more ripped up was his work sheet. I explained to his teachers and we did our best to work around it. But it was never about blame. "Honey, if you are feeling really stressed while you work, squeeze your stress ball."
In your case, if you had mopped the page while he cried, just dealing with what was happening without any blaming, then he might not have tried to connect his tears with your words later on.

Another very important lesson for everybody - people will do or say things sometimes that are not nice. But we can choose how we respond to this. If someone says, "You're ugly," you can respond (in your thoughts) with, "That must be why I have no friends," or you could think to yourself, "Appearance is just a matter of opinion. I don't need to value what she said anyway. Why would I value words from someone who can be so rude?"
The first response reinforces negative feelings and makes you sadder. The second boosts your confidence and helps you shrug it off.
So it boils down to this - when you are arguing with someone, you have a choice to let their words hurt you, or mentally walk away.
And teaching your entire family to avoid blaming, is a good way to start.

Marg

Love this too.... you often make me look at things in this subtly different way. I really appreciate that. I am going to try to work on this.