Oh For the simpler days of picking out baskets Support

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Apr 4, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Good Afternoon All - For those that know & accept it; my extended family.


    I was standing in the Dollar General yesterday staring at the end cap display it seemed the sum of all my Easter holidays, and I began to get misty. I closed my eyes tight, quickly and bit my lower lip thinking to myself 'Oh God, not here, please, not now' the first hot tear rolled over my bottom lid, it's weight could have been one hundred pounds as it drug my head down with it, My nose was instantly stuffy, then like a faucett the tears flowed out, my breath became shallow, I curled both my lips in trying to stop the inevitable mess of memories that raced to the front of my mind - too late. My chest heaved, I inhaled those short little breaths we all take trying to avoid letting anyone know we're crying - too late. I walked away from the cards, and tried to find somewhere I could be alone. Every aisle, every where I went; some person looking right at me, seeing my shame, they knew. They know. They know where my son is. Turn the corner and there is a woman yelling at her little girl, and I just wanted to scream! She only wanted a chocolate rabbit, how much I wished my son was here. Easter is everywhere, and where is my son? Another corner, another person looking right through me and they know by the lack of candy, or basket or even card in my arms, or maybe they think I'm so together I already have my shopping done? Yeah that's it! I'm so together I already put his basket together. That is a lie. Why is it a lie Star? It's a lie because your son isn't even allowed in the same state with you. What kind of an Easter are YOU going to have? Again!?

    Every house that I pass that has decorations in the yard, the colored eggs hanging from the tree, and the blow up rabbits some days I feel like pulling over and drop-kicking them all over their yards and throwing the eggs in the street and driving off. Then the light changes and I imagine that there is something wrong with my brain, and I must need to be institutionalized or have my meidcations increaased. Normal people don't think about kicking plastic blow-up rabbits. I see signs for Easter egg hunts, and I think about our egg hunts, the Easter buzzard, and the baskets I used to make. I miss my son today. I miss my other sons too. I think about the enormous table in the dining room, and about getting rid of it because of the memories it stirs up, then I think if I get rid of it and replace it - will I be able to see them all in my mind? I don't know. It took me three years to paint a room after the second one passed, and I threw Dude out. What do you suppose the expiration limit is for a dining table? Now the granddog has gnawed the ball/claw feet on it. You just can't replace remodeling handi-work like that, and who would want it anyway! It's nostalgic to us and firewood fodder for the Salvation Army at best. I imagine us all there having Easter Dinner. Not that we had so many dinners together because of treatments, hospitals, residentials - but the ones that we did have? I so treasure. Nah I think the tables stays. Then I sit and my tears just roll out over the tops of my bottom lids, and I'm somehwere in between crying, laughing and wishing it all would go away & wishing it was all back again...except this time I'd like to be this old, and this smart, and this knowledgable, and I'd do it so different SO SO different - I swear I would.

    Oh and the card? I managed to get one finally. The first religious card I've ever gotten my son. He needs a lot of prayer right now, and he's seeking things in his life for the first time that don't involve putting himself first all the time. I don't get to send him an Easter basket so I drew one for him on the card and mailed it. See there's been so much going on here at the Ranch that I haven't talked about other than loosing the job, and such - somedays I wonder if crying in the Dollar General is a precursor to "They're coming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he" you know - to the Funny Farm -hey if they had donkeys? I got to go out to the barn? I'd be all for it. Someone has to take care of things and that someone is me. And I smile. So I guess I had that good cry everyone thought I needed. Just didn't figure on having it in the DG. ROFL. (Not in the DG - their floors weren't clean) - I mean wow. Maybe if I had put down a few rugs or something, but for a place that SELLS cleaners you'd think they'd be a lot more clean. GET A CLUE.

    So if you're having a rough time with Easter and thinking about when you used to make baskets, and hide eggs and all - I just thought maybe I would let you know you're not alone. I was thinking here in PE that I remember the days of fuzzy stuffed bunnies, and chocolate rabbits, and peeps, and getting all dressed for church on Easter and Dude being little and all that fun stuff.......and now this year? He's not here, he can't be here. And so as to not feel sorry for myself - I thought of all of you - and wanted to let you know that you're being thought of as parents of children who are incredibly loved, and difficult, and wherever they are? Wish them a Happy Easter for the child that they were - and the person that they are today, and may yet be. Because when I think of the reason for the Day? I still have hope - and ALWAYS will.

    :easter_eggs:NEVER GIVE UP the parent inside of you that says I love them, and I will always hope.

    -HAPPY EASTER
     
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    That's beautiful, Star.
     
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you for sharing that, Star--

    I'm sorry that you are hurting...
     
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    That was awesome!

    A few years back I made an "Ether Bathket" (from the year I was missing my front teeth) for my Mom. Random "stuff". She stilll has it. It made her cry. Every year I remember - which is not every year - I make her another one.

    My childhood Ether Bathket is in my workroom... Too ugly to give away, too useful to throw away...
     
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain, Star. Easter is not a big deal to me, never was in my family either, but I can totally relate to the pain that remembering memories of your difficult child's childhood can bring. Sometimes the strangest things will bring tears to my eyes.. even more so now that I'm 50 (cough peri-menopausal cough).

    Hugs.
     
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm pretty sure it's peri-menopausal, and a lot of other things, but thank you for understanding.

    I wish I could tell you all the rest of the story - When I can I will. Maybe THAT's what I should write the book about - ROFL - (insert Star Trek music) Her life....it BOLDY went where no one dared to go. Whether she wanted to go there or not. I think her foot got caught in the docking tether when the capn called for warp speed and it just jerked her out into deep space....that's how it feels anyway.
     
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star,

    You brought tears to my eyes. Last Sunday I was in my dressing room and I started to hear all this girl laughter and screaming. I couldn't see where it was coming from, there was nothing in site from my front windows. It was Palm Sunday and it got me remembering all the years (18) that I hosted the family/extended family Easter Sunday Dinner and Egg Hunt at my house. For years there were tons of kids - at it's highest count we had 19 kids. All the families would bring plastic eggs filled with candy and coins and we would hide them all over the front yard. Then, because we always had tons of extra candy and there were some really little ones, we would just stand around and throw candy out into the grass! Hearing the laughter and squeals of those kids on Sunday brought me back.

    When easy child came over about 30 minutes later, I told her how it reminded me of the years of Easter egg hunts and she told me I had to walk out front and look two doors down. There was a huge blowup pink castle in their front yard and all the little girls, around five or six years old, had on princess dresses! The parents had taken appliance boxes and cut out castle turrets and made the front door/porch area look like a castle with a drawbridge!

    On Tuesday I started thinking about the years of dying eggs with the kids, Easter Sunday dress up clothes, Easter baskets (which I still do for my two at 21 and 16!). I called my mom and invited her down for Easter -- you would have thought she won that big lottery. I was feeling a little sad that my kids weren't little anymore but my mom was all alone. I am feeling sad because my kids aren't little anymore but you are not able to see your child on Sunday.

    You are right. It is a day of hope. As the parents of difficult children, even when it feels hopeless we have to dig out the hope that is buried deep within.

    And Star, I have to admit, with all respect, that there are many times I read your posts and just don't get it. Often I don't understand or relate to the humor found in your lines. But I have always respected you. Your post today brought home just how much we all share here. No matter our racial, political, economic, or geographical differences, deep down we are the parents who are surviving gfgdom. We share in the broken dreams, the lost sleep, the stress on adult relationships, the lost friendships, and the daily struggle of raising or parenting from a distance our difficult children. It is our common thread.

    So I shed a tear with you and for you. But I tell you this, you go out and buy a little sugar free chocolate bunny and dye a couple hard boiled eggs (great protein and no sugar!). I'll be thinking about you on Easter morn.

    Sharon
     
  8. Hubby and I have found we need to celebrate anyway. We're trying to come up with new ways to dissassiciate the holidays & birthdays etc from past traditions that ultimately remind us of the pain our difficult children' over the last 3 years bring. It's hard when a trip to DolGen stirs up memories just because it's that time of year.

    This week we will be celebrating our difficult child's birth. Without her. Because although she is not well enough to be with us we are still grateful she was born.

    We're making new/different Easter plans because we want to celebrate our Savior's resurrection outside of the community that thinks they are serving God by pretending to be our ill-adoptees "new family."
     
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Awww, Star, your post made me cry.....I feel your pain. With every fiber of my being, I feel your pain. I am beginning to hate every holiday... :(
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Star...I understand. I havent liked any holiday this year.

    My family went through this the year Jamie left for the Marines too. The first holiday that came around was Easter and that was so hard. Easter was Jamies favorite holiday. He loved it. He kept up the tradition of hunting eggs up until the year he left which meant he was hunting eggs at 17 because he left at 18. Actually to be honest, he hunted eggs at 20 too but thats a different story. We were all so morose around the house because Jamie was gone and at Easter he was still in boot so we couldnt even go see him or talk to him on the phone and all I could do was send him cough drops and gatorade. I still had the other kids at home but none of them really wanted to do much. It just wasnt the same without our Easter boy.

    Now this year with missing Keyana, all of us are sort of on hold with all the special days that she isnt here. It just isnt right. Oh we sent her her basket and I hope to talk to her. I will call the others. Even Billy is moping around saying how it just doesnt feel right.

    I do think we can have our own little baskets. I plan to eat me some peeps..lol.
     
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmm. I've been toying with a thread on wc about how this week has been pure hell. Evidently it hasn't just been me.

    It has totally ticked me off, lemme tell you. I *think* I'm fine then whammo I suddenly can't decide if I want to scream like a banshee in a rage or bawl like a baby. And several times it's been bad enough to send me to bed........to block out external stimuli which was just making it worse. The worst thing about it? I seem to have no control over it. It hits out of the blue, it stays as long as it feels like, and is gone just poof.

    It has pretty much crippled my productivity this week.

    I don't care a lot for Easter. Oh I don't mind the egg hunts and the kids being excited ect. But honestly the holiday just never was a huge deal. I do it totally for the grandkids, just as I did for my kids. Otherwise, I'd never even notice the holiday.

    But husband's birthday is coming April 16th. easy child, when I finally broke down and told her what's been going on with me this week, seems to think this is the cause. Maybe. Or maybe it's yet another holiday to get through without him.

    It doesn't help when now lil Brandon attempts to talk to me about his papa and that his papa died. He's trying to understand. And he misses him too. Papa's boy. I don't mind helping him, probably therapeutic for both of us. But that doesn't make it easier to do.

    So why does it tick me off so much? Cuz I *thought* I was going along doing really good with this coping deal........and I got side swiped.

    Then of course there is the katie thing with I choose to ignore right now.

    At least once this holiday is over there are no more significant ones until fall........:sigh:

    (((hugs)))
     
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    KT - Thank you. I'm glad you were able to get through the whole thing.

    Step - Ether? ROFL - I can believe you still have your Bathet too.

    Daisy - I appreciate your caring. Thank you.

    LDM -What a lovely story about the kids and the candy!! That sounded like it was so much fun. And the little girls down the street in princess gowns! OH how much fun that must have been to see!! I just bet they had the time of their lives! Wasn't it so special that your daughter thought to come get you and share that moment with you???? That made me tear up a bit. Listen, I appreciate that you take me with a grain of salt and move on. I've never quite fit into the round hole, the square hole. Makes for a good recluse though. And yes, I will get the sugar free rabbit, and I'm taking your advice and going out to get eggs and dye tomorrow. Your advice was very healing and non-fattening!

    They are Legal adults now - I couldn't agree with you more for the reason of the holiday. I'm sorry that you have to endure people that feel the need to split the affections of your child instead of finding the reason to unify a family. Selfishness abounds everywhere, and it never ceases to amaze me when people pull stunts like this and think only of themselves and not the child, or the parents that raised her. You sound wise beyond your years. If you truly celebrate the day for what it is? Then nothing else should get you down - for He is Risen indeed.

    Pats girl - HUGS - hugeone......I wish I were there closer for you. I really do. I'm not what you would call an every day friend - but I think I would come get you tomorrow, load my van with a couple of ball bats and take you to a batting range. I'd load the ball spitter outter thing with colored balls that would come at you and each one would be a holiday - Red - Christmas, Pink - valentines - Orange Halloween - and so on - and as they flew towards you I'd call out the holiday and yell BATTERUP....and SWwwwwwwwwwaaaaaing......and let you take a whack at knocking the mess out of a few balls./holidays. Then I'd take you for ice cream, and a movie and I'd make sure we got popcorn, sat in the back and did childish things like tossed popcorn in peoples hair.....leave there - and go to a Mexican restaurant....We'd order in French......have a gigantic Virgin Strawberry Daquari....then go for a walk and just talk until you didn't want to talk, get a coffee - and then I'd drop you off home. Unless you wanted to go TP Daisyfaces house or something like that or soap LDM's car windows....(you know just more childish giggly stuff) but....innocent - non-hurtful things. I used to hate holidays too - been there done that and now I don't hate them - I just want them back. Even the sort of bad ones. LOL.

    I think I'm going to take the advice of the girls here - and get myself a little bunny and make the most of it. - So I want you to get YOURSELF a chocolate rabbit and a PEEP and enjoy yourself even if it's just for 15 minutes. I think this is basket 101 pay it forward. Or as Step says ETHER BATHET pay it forward. yeah - that sounds about like us all.

    Hugs

    ANd Janet - Honey - you go right on and have a peep show. ER.......I mean get em all out of the package and line them up and make them talk......and then EAT THEM- and get yourself a chocolate bunny too..He can be in charge of the show. Then bite his ears off .......I was kinda hoping Keyana woudl show up and surprise you and Pawpaw......but no dice huh?

    I'm really sorry hon - I know she misses you all really bad.
     
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hound -

    HOney - I just don't even know how to tell you to cope with what you're coping with. I have a theory, or an idea...but I dunno...you are always so strong for everyone else in your family. You're like THE go-to person, the glue, the nothing ever gets to me rock. And I think or wondered about how you were dealing with husband being gone, and maybe it's your time to grieve a little? Like I said I have no idea what you're thinking or what you're feeling. Only that what you've been through is traumatic, painful, life altering, scary, lonely, sad - and there isn't anyone that can take the place of what you have lost. So if you're angry? Be angry, be sad, be upset - let it go. I cried at a card display for Pete Sake. And I'm a big old toughie. I eat nails for breakfast. -Right? yeah something like that. But maybe that morning I didn't. Maybe that morning I just allowed myself ( _ _) much permission to be whatever it took to be sad, and that was okay. I didn't want to be, I didn't like it. Necessary? Maybe. Releasing - certainly.

    I just know I don't have any great advice about how you are dealing with the loss you've suffered, the stress of what you are going through, and I wish I did. I sure wish I had some great words - all I can say is I care a great deal about you, and I'm here for you. Whenever. And if you want to go kick some plastic rabbits? I'll be there too.....

    Hugs & Love
    Star
     
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I feel all of your pain, Easter is always so much fun. Now that everyone is older, they could care less, but I still bought stuff to make 5 Easter baskets! One for easy child's girlfriend, last year easy child gave her his, she loved it , she doesn't celebrate Easter and it was her first basket ever. And i have a 2 year old niece, made plastic egs for her to find. This is insane of me, because I'm not even having it at my house this, the first year ever. It makes me sad. BUT I'm doing this:

    I'm making a big ham dinner Friday night an husband can eat it all weekend. The candy I bought? Mostly gone, the kids took it to the movies! They don't care about baskets, but I did. I know how sad you feel not being able to do what you used to, but maybe you can do something different. Send a box to him full of Peeps and jellybeans in those plastic eggs, add some easter grass. Pick out the best stuff and send it to him. He'll love it, share it, and think the same pleasant thoughts you were when you were getting it all. Give your SO a basket, (put things just for you in there too) Have your dinner- it's not Easter without ham here, I don't care if we were invited somewhere, I will make a ham! I miss all that, as I KNOW you do. Still, do something Easterish. Have an Easter egg hunt for SO, maybe put little messages in those plastic eggs (wink). I know your mommy heart misses it, to all of us-nothing stays the same, lets embrace the changes.
     
  15. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Star, I'm sorry you're hurting. You pretty much nailed how I feel about things right now too. Sorry to hear that several of us have been struggling.

    Hehehehe, I think I will get myself some peeps and microwave them. Therapeutic AND yummy!
     
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe I will have a peep show. After all, I will have NOBuck! And if he shows up, my being PEEP, should scare him off in a New York Minute...lmao!

    Star, you know I understand and Im sorry if my response wasnt on target. I love you and you know that or you should.
     
  17. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I have worked so many holdiays they just seem like another day to me! I did get a one line email from my difficult child telling me where he was, no phone or address. So when I am asked the dreaded question about how he is doing I can honestly say he has moved away from psycho girlfriend lol!!! I tell my family very little because they do not understand what I'm doing, their thinking is you had them and you are responsible for them forever.

    I had also thought about this was going to be a hard time for some. My grands are turning 16 and 18 and it is my daughter's birthday so they have made other plans.

    My mother has invited all of her relatives to a reunion for so many years I can't remember, so the Easter celebration is Saturday. I am making the turkey and sides. Hubby hates these things so he's not planning to go. It seems like so much work to spend a day with relatives you only see once a year!

    I have football plastic eggs (when did footabll become Easter lol) and glittery eggs that I need to stuff with candy.

    I have no idea where the place is (rural area with zero signs) and the directions are, turn going towards the river, pass the Christmas trees and turn left on the dirt road.

    Map Quest doesn't work here lol!!!
    (((hugs)))
     
  18. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I feel the same way about every holiday. Yes my difficult child lives in the same area as us and has two littles ones that I adore, but difficult child still has issues with her moods and I never know how a get together will go.......good or bad. Sometimes I would just like to go to a hotel on these days and let the rest of the family have dinner or whatever.

    Hugs to all of the pe family to get through the holiday the best as possible.
     
  19. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Star,

    You do Easter in your own way, as you can. Do it for you, do it for the furkids. I'm going to post some treat recipes on the other thread (recall one) shortly. You could always send dude a basket, if you want, through the mail. Sentiment is there. You have a grandkid coming. You have new Easter's to look forward to in the future to be all giddy about and can do things then too. Start a new, perhaps a different way, a different time.

    Easter with difficult children has never been quite traditional. We try usually every year but it's always a hassle. As they've aged we've toned it down a bit and only keep certain things that we know matter to them (and yes, even to the 20 yo certain traditions still matter). We can't have the big traditional sit down dinner. I can pick a dinner but all sitting down with out a struggle never works. We do manage to "have" dinner, that's about it. The will usually want to dye the eggs but there is always fights during it and over it. They want to find the eggs, fights. They like to get a little stuffed animal (dollar store is fine). Some kind of candy will work. Doesn't matter what kind of "basket" it goes in. Could be any container. Never fails that there is fighting and ugliness. I know to expect it. I know to expect that the younger ones probably will not really appreciate it, mostly "expect" it on the surface. But I also know it helps to "feel" semi like a normal family- what ever that is?

    So for now, I'll give you some giant hugs and whisper in your ear that there is always the future and you have a grandbaby on the way....there is hope.....HOPE ;)
     
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star, what a touching post, thank you, as always, for your remarkable ability to put your feelings into words and your wonderful generosity in sharing them with us. I too am sorry you are hurting. I'm sure we all know exactly how that feels. I agree, I have tremendous hope for my daughter, even if that very hope will cause me pain someday. I understand what you are saying and thanks for saying it.

    I know those moments when the sorrow and reality of our children's lives drops in unannounced and takes us on an emotional ride. I'm sorry you took that ride, but grateful that you included us in it.

    With all the heartache you've experienced, you've managed to walk through it all with a strength that is inspiring, with humor which is always a tickle for our weary hearts and unending compassion for the rest of us. Thank you. I wish you a beautiful, loving, hopeful Easter day where you are 'resurrected' into loving arms. God bless you...............
     
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