Oh hard hard it gets to celebrate easy child while difficult child is breaking down

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Jun 11, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Well, you all have been wondering about what happened now that difficult child came home and I am sorry that I have not had time to update. So lets catch up --husband is still broken with his leg and they can't figure out why he won't heal. He has been out of work since August. I lost my job in January--long story but still have not found work due to the nerve damage in my hand. Prayed so long and hard for very long time to get my difficult child home -- had to BEG for this last chance (the judge had already ordered a 2 year commitment but it is suspended so that we could try MST) difficult child has been doing good for the most part -yeah he has had his average 16 year old BS that we all deal with even with our easy child kids. He had a very nice girl that he was dating (but of course when it ended it was all my fault) He did so great helping getting ready for his sisters grad party (which filled my heart with joy because the last sevearl years they have done nothing but fight and since he has been home I see that the realtionship is getting better of course niehter of them will admitt it!! Things have been very stressed getting ready for the party with all the cleaning (we decided to paint because of all the patch jobs over the years from difficult child punching the walls ) I am still trying to recover!! SOOO-- things have been goning fairly well --we invited difficult child's girlfriend to go with us to a party and it was good several days later I ask difficult child if he wants to invite her to come "chill" with us at the house ( I did not know they had hardly spoken since then) but she decided to break up with him over the phone at that time --Before the grad paprty-- Party was fantanstic for easy child-- now several days later difficult child has a major melt down and got in my face very threatening and knocked my drink out of my hand saying that it is my fault that girlfriend broke up with him. saw JPO and now he is on house arrest again--I am frustrated cause that only punishes US (am I right-- they fight with US so the punishment is for US to spend more time "babysitting" OH the system is so messed!! The JPO gave my difficult child the option to go to shelther for "HIM" to get a break ---HOW DO WE GET A BREAK??? I want to go to a Spa for punishment how do I get that ordered??? UGH WE spend at least 9-10 hours working with the MST and difficult child still complains that we are not working on "the problem" --why does he not get that HE is the one that needs to change and prove to the judge that he is going to be a valuable member of society. They are soooo clsoe to taking him away again and all he keeps saying is that he isn't doing anything illegal and they can't do anything to him but he isn't listening that the judge already told him that he CAN NOT treat me this way because he says cursing and yeling at me id not against the law.
    I am heart broken --he was doing so good when he came home then started to back slide-- we have so many other issues that he throws inmy face and adds fuel to the fire.
    We are working with an MST therapist and have learned alot about how he pushes my buttones and try to use these tools but sometimes it is hard.
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sigh....Im so sorry you are going through this.

    I understand how difficult this age can be because it was so hard for us too. I wouldnt go through it again for a million bucks. That said, maybe you need to find the legal laws and point them out to your son where it shows that cursing and yelling at you ARE against the law. It is called terroristic threats, intimidation, disturbing the peace, and not to mention he is breaking the terms of his probation. All of these things are against the law. In some states, such as my state NC, at 16 he would be considered an adult and he would be dealt with in regular criminal court with the big boys. He could go to big boy jail.

    Maybe if you talk to the MST guy and have him help you point out the real legal statutes and point out that what he is doing isnt just throwing a tantrum but has real legal consequences he will settle back down.
     
  3. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    You mentioned MST. We just started working with them. Do you find it a useful service? I'm still not decided what I think about it so far. Or what I think of my therapist anyway. If your difficult child is anything like mine, it won't matter how many laws you show him. In our case, no one does anything about him breaking them. He talked a judge down from 20 hours of community service to 6. Sorry you have your hands full. If it isn't too much trouble I would like to hear more updates on MST and how it goes for you.
    PJ
     
  4. mog

    mog Member

    Sorry that I haven't replied sooner. It took a lot to finally get an MST therapist but no one would tell us how to get one and it took difficult child getting into so much trouble in order to finally get one. We really like the lady that we are working with but keep in mind that it takes so many hours. When she comes she is here for about 3-4 hours and we see her two to three times a week not including all the hours on the phone reporting difficult child's issues and behavior but she goes with us to school IEP's, meetings with the JPO, court hearings, family therapy and individual therapy for each person still living in the house. Our therapist talks to us about all kinds of things that really help ME to deal with stuff since MOST of all the junk is dumped in my lap. If you would like to know more just let me know I will help you as much as I can because there are some things that you should becareful with.
     
  5. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    Why is it that things have to get to a horrible point before anyone does anything significant?! I would like to know more, as much as you are comfortable sharing. When our therapist comes she is only here about an hour or so. When she started working with us there was only a week left of school, and the principal at difficult child's therapeutic school denied us a meeting because she was too busy. With us we are being told to do the same things we have tried before with one exception. When difficult child is getting to the verge of "flipping" out (which can include me getting physically attacked), she says to offer him a cool off time, de-escalating. In the past we would just restrain him. One night I loosely followed him around the house until almost 10:00PM "de-escalating". It was a school night too. Could not get in touch with therapist. husband called twice. I called twice. She talks all the time about taking the power away from him, and says it is a win for us because the goal was to get him in bed. I don't see how it was a win. No one else got to go to bed because I couldn't be sure he would not get physical and act out. I don't know how much more in power he could have been.
    What type of advice do they give you? What does she do when she is at your house? Does she work with your difficult child? If so, how...I need reassurance that this isn't a waste of time. husband and I are pretty hopeless at this point.
     
  6. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    So sorry you are going through this. I have a 16 yr old who has a JPO and he also doesn't seem to think that he has to listen to her. We live in a state where he will still be treated like a kid, til he's 18, but all of us are sick of the constant turmoil and upset. It's hard for my older difficult child to mature and impossible for easy child to have any quality of life when my ex and I are always so focused on difficult child 2's misbehavior.

    Dumb question: what is MST? Is it all done with in-home services? We did that years ago and didnt' do much for us. Dad and I had separated at that point and he was in no mood to cooperate with anyone, especially me.
     
  7. mog

    mog Member

    I would like to share information but I do not know how to change the page to allow private message --I tried it a couple of times but doesn't seem to work -
     
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