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The Watercooler
"Oh, Mom! Everyone has in-law problems! Big deal."
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 306653" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I'll respond to the last part first. I applaud you for taking yourself out of the position of sounding board with your son. I know it is instinct as a parent to listen to ALL your child has to say and their concerns in their life. However he is an adult and he is choosing this marriage. I understand a man (or womans) decision to stick to a relationship for childrens sake. However I do also know that it doesn't always turn out to have been the right decision, for the sake of the adults in a loveless marriage, or for the sake of the children. Its a difficult situation when things like this occur.</p><p></p><p>I do believe that as an adult, your son has made his decision. Listening to him through, say, divorce proceedings. Being supportive of him during a transition from marriage to single and single parenting, that is so different. However I do believe no good can come from being caught in the middle of two adults in a marriage. ESPECIALLY when one is your child. I have heard so often in life the advice that adult children should NOT turn to their parents for support during marriage trials. Bottom line, as parents, we will hopefully try to see both sides, but we have obviously a stake in it on our own childs side most often. We are not objective. How could we be? Also, imagine when our anger gets us, how we vent about our spouses. People tend to have ALOT to say when angry or hurt or let down by our spouses. We don't often have ALOT to say about the wonderful moments. Or about our spouses good points. I've heard that we should not discuss our spousal issues with family etc. If they are bad enough, discuss with spouse, get counselling etc. It can cause our family and friends to believe only the shortcomings of our spouses, and not see the qualities that keep us in the relationship. In other cases, where the relationship should probably end, if it doesn't, family end up stuck. Kind of like you. Between a rock and a hard place. </p><p></p><p>Leaving yourself out of the loop from this situation is probably better for your peace of mind. I hate to hear how stressed this all makes you. Your son should understand that you can't be there in that sense for him. He has other options if he needs to talk about this. A therapist would probably be a good plan, so he can figure out what keeps him there, if he wants this marriage, if he does what can he do to make it livable? If he doesn't, what can he do to end the marriage with dignity and still be a involved dad? What are his rights? Know what I mean??</p><p></p><p>As for holidays, I think if you stop hearing your sons dialogue about his spouse, she will be easier to spend time with. Focus your time with them all on enjoying your son. Enjoying what you can of seeing your grandson. Smile to your daughter in law, greet her as you do your son and grandson. Show her the best side of yourself. Her personality or any issues with your son and their marriage, do not change that she is your lovely grandsons mother and always will be. Your grandson, and your son, will likely very much appreciate how you take the high road.</p><p></p><p>Now I don't know what you mean about her being rude. If it is subtle, I would say ignore it. If it is blatant, I do believe it is your son who should speak to his wife about it. I wouldn't stand for my spouse being rude to my family. Nor would I stand my family being rude to my spouse. I believe it is his place to expect more and request more from his wife if she is acting in a rude fashion. That being said, even if she is rude, and even if he tries to get her to change and/or stop being rude to you, it may not work. She's her own person and we all know we can't change people. He should however be doing what he can. </p><p></p><p>It sounds so sad to think of the way his marriage is going. I would focus on the fact that he's an adult. Many of us stay or have stayed in relationships that aren't working for various reasons. He chooses this, even if he is the one wronged in the relationship. But he also chooses to stay. Same as her. They both have their own set of reasons. Being out of the middle will be good for your sake. You can't change it anyhow.</p><p></p><p>(((hugs))) I hope that these two adults, these two parents, do something to improve their situation. other than that, what you CAN control is your reaction to the animosity towards her. I'm sure that as much as you know she doesnt' like you, she is probably getting a vibe from you that you aren't exactly a fan of hers either. that can hurt, on both ends. So I say smile, show your best side, enjoy the time you have. Focus on why you are spending time with them all (son/grandson). You'll at minimum leave the visit less frustrated if you go into it with a positive attitude and refuse to have anything she says or ways she behaves, affect you. You arent there for her anyhow. You're there for the boys, and you're there for yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 306653, member: 4264"] I'll respond to the last part first. I applaud you for taking yourself out of the position of sounding board with your son. I know it is instinct as a parent to listen to ALL your child has to say and their concerns in their life. However he is an adult and he is choosing this marriage. I understand a man (or womans) decision to stick to a relationship for childrens sake. However I do also know that it doesn't always turn out to have been the right decision, for the sake of the adults in a loveless marriage, or for the sake of the children. Its a difficult situation when things like this occur. I do believe that as an adult, your son has made his decision. Listening to him through, say, divorce proceedings. Being supportive of him during a transition from marriage to single and single parenting, that is so different. However I do believe no good can come from being caught in the middle of two adults in a marriage. ESPECIALLY when one is your child. I have heard so often in life the advice that adult children should NOT turn to their parents for support during marriage trials. Bottom line, as parents, we will hopefully try to see both sides, but we have obviously a stake in it on our own childs side most often. We are not objective. How could we be? Also, imagine when our anger gets us, how we vent about our spouses. People tend to have ALOT to say when angry or hurt or let down by our spouses. We don't often have ALOT to say about the wonderful moments. Or about our spouses good points. I've heard that we should not discuss our spousal issues with family etc. If they are bad enough, discuss with spouse, get counselling etc. It can cause our family and friends to believe only the shortcomings of our spouses, and not see the qualities that keep us in the relationship. In other cases, where the relationship should probably end, if it doesn't, family end up stuck. Kind of like you. Between a rock and a hard place. Leaving yourself out of the loop from this situation is probably better for your peace of mind. I hate to hear how stressed this all makes you. Your son should understand that you can't be there in that sense for him. He has other options if he needs to talk about this. A therapist would probably be a good plan, so he can figure out what keeps him there, if he wants this marriage, if he does what can he do to make it livable? If he doesn't, what can he do to end the marriage with dignity and still be a involved dad? What are his rights? Know what I mean?? As for holidays, I think if you stop hearing your sons dialogue about his spouse, she will be easier to spend time with. Focus your time with them all on enjoying your son. Enjoying what you can of seeing your grandson. Smile to your daughter in law, greet her as you do your son and grandson. Show her the best side of yourself. Her personality or any issues with your son and their marriage, do not change that she is your lovely grandsons mother and always will be. Your grandson, and your son, will likely very much appreciate how you take the high road. Now I don't know what you mean about her being rude. If it is subtle, I would say ignore it. If it is blatant, I do believe it is your son who should speak to his wife about it. I wouldn't stand for my spouse being rude to my family. Nor would I stand my family being rude to my spouse. I believe it is his place to expect more and request more from his wife if she is acting in a rude fashion. That being said, even if she is rude, and even if he tries to get her to change and/or stop being rude to you, it may not work. She's her own person and we all know we can't change people. He should however be doing what he can. It sounds so sad to think of the way his marriage is going. I would focus on the fact that he's an adult. Many of us stay or have stayed in relationships that aren't working for various reasons. He chooses this, even if he is the one wronged in the relationship. But he also chooses to stay. Same as her. They both have their own set of reasons. Being out of the middle will be good for your sake. You can't change it anyhow. (((hugs))) I hope that these two adults, these two parents, do something to improve their situation. other than that, what you CAN control is your reaction to the animosity towards her. I'm sure that as much as you know she doesnt' like you, she is probably getting a vibe from you that you aren't exactly a fan of hers either. that can hurt, on both ends. So I say smile, show your best side, enjoy the time you have. Focus on why you are spending time with them all (son/grandson). You'll at minimum leave the visit less frustrated if you go into it with a positive attitude and refuse to have anything she says or ways she behaves, affect you. You arent there for her anyhow. You're there for the boys, and you're there for yourself. [/QUOTE]
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