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"Oh, Mom! Everyone has in-law problems! Big deal."
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 306755" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>As far as the relationship, you are EXACTLY right. I thought about it when I read your last post but was waiting to suggest it to see if he was going to leave.</p><p></p><p>Since he is staying his marital problems are best discussed with a therapist, pastor/priest, or other third party. No matter WHAT you say on the problems between a couple YOU will ALWAYS be the one blamed for whatever happens in that relationship. Period.</p><p></p><p>I had what I thought was a great friend in high school. She felt somewhat self conscious because I went to college and she didn't, though I didn't throw it in her face in any way. Even she said that.</p><p></p><p>When she got married I was the maid of honor. I came back from college on my own dime to throw her bridal shower. Did a LOT of things to help with wedding prep.</p><p></p><p>A month before the wedding they decided, but did not announce, they wanted to call it off. I told her I couldn't get involved because I didn't know anything about marriage. I wasn't even dating anyone at the time. </p><p></p><p>HE called me all upset to ask if she was seeing someone else, if she thought he was cheating, etc....</p><p></p><p>ALL I ever said was "I can't really get involved. I won't tell you what she said, it is not my place and she might have just been venting. I won't tell her what you said, it is not my place and you might be venting. I want to be a good friend for a long time, and I want whatever the two of you decide is right for you. You need to talk to him/her."</p><p></p><p>I told BOTH of them this. Six months later (after the wedding) I got a VICIOUS note in the mail about how I tried to tear them apart all the time (hadn't seen them since the wedding but spoke with them about every week on MY dime cause they were broke.)</p><p></p><p>Neither would respond to a phone call or letter. It took 12 YEARS for them to speak to me again.</p><p></p><p>Marriages will blow up on YOU if you get in between. I later found out that his mom kept telling them I was the cause of the break up they almost had before the wedding. SHE had been telling him that my friend was cheating on him with college guys because she worked at the university part time. He was home for the summer because he had just graduated college.</p><p></p><p>WHATEVER you say to him, make it clear that he must talk to someone else to get info and support on this. If he chooses not to, it is HIS problem.</p><p></p><p>Each time he brings up the subject of his lousy marriage tell him that you love him but cannot be his sounding board. If he continues then leave the room. Do not say anything, just walk away. Make it CLEAR that he is NOT to involve his minor age siblings in this. NOT to use them as a sounding board. It will confuse your 16yo and upset him and it will devastate your daughter. Call your older daughter and tell her what you have chosen to do and tell her it does not reflect whatever you decide for your relationship to him, that it is because he wants to vent and cry but not ever make things different. Tell her that it will just result in her being blamed for the problems if she gets involved BUT that you will respect her choices. You won't discuss your son with her on the topic of his marital miseries.</p><p></p><p>It is only ridiculous to him because he wants to whine and not stand up for his son. in my opinion he is HURTING his son by not insisting she give him and his family equal time. If he wants to be a pansy about it, well, not something you can condone. Tell him some version of that, problem a nicer one, but it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>As for putting up with her, it may not be a problem much longer. Son may decide, for the short term, not to let you have any insight into his life and grandson's life. It is petty and vindictive, but it seems to be the tune of this marriage. You can bet that he will tell her that you don't care/love him/etc... and cling to her and her relatives.</p><p></p><p>IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If they do come for the holidays tolerate her as long as she is civil. When she starts to be rude or mean turn around and walk away. If she continues it pull son aside and tell him that he needs to make her stop or get her out of the house. The rest of the family and the holiday should not be held hostage by his marital choices. It is a sure thing she is nasty to the rest of the family. As soon as you refuse to tolerate it the other kids will step forward with what she says to them at other holidays.</p><p></p><p>That is my opinion, FWIW. I am sorry this situation ever arose. But really, what good does it do to be nice to her if all you get to do is visibly see your grandchild? I think it would hurt even more not to be able to cuddle him, coo at him, play with him, even babysit or change a diaper. At least it would for me. After I told my bro that I could not babysit his daughter anymore because he dropped her off hours late or early, and picked her up hours late every time (like 9 or 10 pm without asking and often without letting me know he was going to be that late), he decided I couldn't even hold her "ever again". His wife pushed that cause she wanted to take my place in my parents' lives (told me this). It was so painful to not be able to even talk to my niece that I avoided family dinners, etc.... It took my mom stepping in and reading my bro and sister in law the riot act when they complained about me being "rude" and skipping the dinners to make them stop. </p><p></p><p>YOU cannot step into this. Just stay out, and insist that she at least treat you the way she would a stranger who stopped to look at the baby. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is going on. Why can't people learn to share? Wasn't that the whole point of kindergarten? If there is any alcohol or sub abuse in daughter in law-pickle's family then YOU should hit up a few alanon meetings. It really will help. in my opinion you don't get to be that bizarre with-o some substance being abused.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 306755, member: 1233"] As far as the relationship, you are EXACTLY right. I thought about it when I read your last post but was waiting to suggest it to see if he was going to leave. Since he is staying his marital problems are best discussed with a therapist, pastor/priest, or other third party. No matter WHAT you say on the problems between a couple YOU will ALWAYS be the one blamed for whatever happens in that relationship. Period. I had what I thought was a great friend in high school. She felt somewhat self conscious because I went to college and she didn't, though I didn't throw it in her face in any way. Even she said that. When she got married I was the maid of honor. I came back from college on my own dime to throw her bridal shower. Did a LOT of things to help with wedding prep. A month before the wedding they decided, but did not announce, they wanted to call it off. I told her I couldn't get involved because I didn't know anything about marriage. I wasn't even dating anyone at the time. HE called me all upset to ask if she was seeing someone else, if she thought he was cheating, etc.... ALL I ever said was "I can't really get involved. I won't tell you what she said, it is not my place and she might have just been venting. I won't tell her what you said, it is not my place and you might be venting. I want to be a good friend for a long time, and I want whatever the two of you decide is right for you. You need to talk to him/her." I told BOTH of them this. Six months later (after the wedding) I got a VICIOUS note in the mail about how I tried to tear them apart all the time (hadn't seen them since the wedding but spoke with them about every week on MY dime cause they were broke.) Neither would respond to a phone call or letter. It took 12 YEARS for them to speak to me again. Marriages will blow up on YOU if you get in between. I later found out that his mom kept telling them I was the cause of the break up they almost had before the wedding. SHE had been telling him that my friend was cheating on him with college guys because she worked at the university part time. He was home for the summer because he had just graduated college. WHATEVER you say to him, make it clear that he must talk to someone else to get info and support on this. If he chooses not to, it is HIS problem. Each time he brings up the subject of his lousy marriage tell him that you love him but cannot be his sounding board. If he continues then leave the room. Do not say anything, just walk away. Make it CLEAR that he is NOT to involve his minor age siblings in this. NOT to use them as a sounding board. It will confuse your 16yo and upset him and it will devastate your daughter. Call your older daughter and tell her what you have chosen to do and tell her it does not reflect whatever you decide for your relationship to him, that it is because he wants to vent and cry but not ever make things different. Tell her that it will just result in her being blamed for the problems if she gets involved BUT that you will respect her choices. You won't discuss your son with her on the topic of his marital miseries. It is only ridiculous to him because he wants to whine and not stand up for his son. in my opinion he is HURTING his son by not insisting she give him and his family equal time. If he wants to be a pansy about it, well, not something you can condone. Tell him some version of that, problem a nicer one, but it is what it is. As for putting up with her, it may not be a problem much longer. Son may decide, for the short term, not to let you have any insight into his life and grandson's life. It is petty and vindictive, but it seems to be the tune of this marriage. You can bet that he will tell her that you don't care/love him/etc... and cling to her and her relatives. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If they do come for the holidays tolerate her as long as she is civil. When she starts to be rude or mean turn around and walk away. If she continues it pull son aside and tell him that he needs to make her stop or get her out of the house. The rest of the family and the holiday should not be held hostage by his marital choices. It is a sure thing she is nasty to the rest of the family. As soon as you refuse to tolerate it the other kids will step forward with what she says to them at other holidays. That is my opinion, FWIW. I am sorry this situation ever arose. But really, what good does it do to be nice to her if all you get to do is visibly see your grandchild? I think it would hurt even more not to be able to cuddle him, coo at him, play with him, even babysit or change a diaper. At least it would for me. After I told my bro that I could not babysit his daughter anymore because he dropped her off hours late or early, and picked her up hours late every time (like 9 or 10 pm without asking and often without letting me know he was going to be that late), he decided I couldn't even hold her "ever again". His wife pushed that cause she wanted to take my place in my parents' lives (told me this). It was so painful to not be able to even talk to my niece that I avoided family dinners, etc.... It took my mom stepping in and reading my bro and sister in law the riot act when they complained about me being "rude" and skipping the dinners to make them stop. YOU cannot step into this. Just stay out, and insist that she at least treat you the way she would a stranger who stopped to look at the baby. I am so sorry this is going on. Why can't people learn to share? Wasn't that the whole point of kindergarten? If there is any alcohol or sub abuse in daughter in law-pickle's family then YOU should hit up a few alanon meetings. It really will help. in my opinion you don't get to be that bizarre with-o some substance being abused. Hugs, [/QUOTE]
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