Oh my poor husband, deserves son of the year!

[totoro]

So husband went to the funeral of his Grandma a week and a half ago. During the funeral one of his cousins had her 3 kids with her, no husband couldn't be bothered to join her... well her middle one is very difficult child'ish. No one would help her with her the kids... the poor kid can not lower his volume, can not sit still, does not understand "NO"... he is 4 I believe, very smart.

husband ended up entertaining him the funeral, over 3 hours... at one point the kid was yelling "Is she dead"... husband took him outside and played with him, not even his grandma or aunts would help!!! He was throwing a truck up and down the ailses...

So then husband drives across country to pick up our stuff, though torential downpours... he gets to his parents to park the truck and and chill so he would not have to leave it in Chicago, they are in Indy, His Grandpa has decided he wants to hitch a drive across country with him!!! :smile: He is 85yo... has not been that nice to husband since he stopped catering to Grandpa, because he has a family now... boo hoo.

So husband Mom played the guilt card... "Oh Son, I know this is a lot to ask..." they are basically making husband drive Grandpa to Montana, drop him off at an Aunts house, then we get to pick him back up, this about 5 hours from us... let him stay with us for awhile and remember the good ole days when he used to live here... then take him to the airport so he can fly to Oregon to see his sister who is dying of mouth cancer...

husband said he was drunk tonight!!! His health is poor, he can't hear... I feel so bad for husband... the drive is going to S-U-C-K!!!! Big time... Let alone what in the heck are we going to do with him and the girls for 4 days or more??? He needs his 3 fingers of whiskey and a nap... yeah I got your finger!!!

I am being nice and saying OK... but I feel my anxiety kicking in... I am stressed about this stupid School evaluation meeting next week... I don't need some bitter old grumpy fart telling me how to do things for 4 days.

Oh and he says nice things like "K your looking awefully fat" I swear if something like that comes out of his mouth, Grandpa will be sleeping in the shed!!!

He can tell me or husband we look like , but not my girls... Momma don't take kindly to that!!! :nonono:

husband leaves Sunday... Our "IEP" meeting is Thursday, the drive is 3 days with good weather... OI!!!

I told husband he was a better Man than me.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

See, this is why families stink.

Maybe husband can put gramps in the trailer instead of having to listen to him try to gum his way through sentences? Old people are so annoying. And I was going to ask about a shed, well actually a doghouse, but a shed will do. One smart remark out of the geezer and I'd be tossing his bony behind out there too.

But give K time to respond.

"K, you're looking awfully fat."
"Grampy, you're looking awfully old and pruney."

Tell the ol' geeze that if he is not nice, the can't sit still truck throwing grandkid will be locked in the shed with him and 500 Matchbox cars.

husband may be a better man than you.

But he's still a man. He laughs at the sound of his own gas.

 

[timer lady]

There is a word that you need to use (husband as well) - even with family. Now get ready because it works really well. The word is "no". You catch that - I'll repeat it for you. "No"

It's amazing how well you can get out from under something by calmly saying no, this won't work out this time around. You might want to check into airline tickets.

It's hard to say "no" to family members; the sooner you learn the more you'll be able to relax. The sooner your family will learn a bit of respect for you & not to ask you or husband unreasonable, rude, unmanageable or inconvenient requests.

And, in the end, you & husband may be able to enjoy visits with your family.

You're right - husband deserves an award. I hope his trip is safe & quiet.

 

[AllStressedOut]

Wow, husband is a good man. What a week this has been and is going to be for him.

 

[meowbunny]

I'm with Timer Lady. No is such a wonderful word.

I think I'd be giving gramps some house rules before he even walks into the house. One of which would be you do not insult my children in any way, shape or form. If he can't follow the rules, he can stay at a local motel and come visit for meals.

As to your husband, yup, he's doing wonderful things and is truly remarkable. However, he needs to grow a spine. Maybe on the drive with gramps, he can practice saying NO!.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Ugh. Please no extra relatives in my house. You are a pretty good person yourself for letting him come. As it is not just husband's house. I took a stand about 2 years ago with my family maybe a bit more. Something to the effect of Me, husband and my kids come first. Depending on the day which order those come in but that grouping is FIRST. Anyone else's issues will be taken and dealt with as can be handled.

Lot's less stress. I was wound pretty tight then. Course I am still stressed a lot but at least it is all stuff to share with husband so we can share the stress.

Good luck with Grandpa. Mine was a three fingers man also. Of course some days it was three fingers close together and others spread out but always those three fingers of whiskey.

Beth

 

[totoro]

Thank you so much ladies!!!! You make me feel so much better!!!

I just kind of feel sorry for the old guy, husband said he is wondering around now crying and repeating the same storie, LONG stories over and over... I think this is his last hurrah.
husband has been filled with guilt by his Mother from day one, it is hard to just convince him to say no to her... "it is his duty" ... my *#$
We will get through this... I told husband to stick him in the trailer also!!! I said at least if he passes away you can stash him back there and still make it in time for the school meeting !!!LOL

His Mom has to do all of this work to ditch him on husband, medication schedule, pack his bags... big whoop!!! I said we do that kind of stuff daily!!!

 

[susiestar]

I hoep maybe you can work something positive out of the visit. Your husband has committed to it. Make sure you have some rules to make it easier on you. Maybe you can get some pics for a scrapbook while he is there. If this looks like his "last hurrah" then maybe you could get an audiotape of him telling the stories? We did that with my great gma and I still love to listen to them. They fascinate my kids.

Same for the taped letters my gpa used to send. They are neat to listen to.

Here is hoping this visit goes as well as possible, and that husband grows a spine when it comes to his family. Or that in the future YOU can be the one to interact with his family. All plans are subject to YOU and YOU pull a nancy reagan and 'just say no'!!

 

[totoro]

He has a spine... for the most part... but we are still mending the broken fence from last November when mother in law and I had a blow out... HUGE over K... the whole I was too hard on her, this was a "Self-fulfilling prophecy" why didn't we ever say anything... (we did) why didn't we ask for help, (we did)...
I told her †hey were in denial and not to turn this into another one of her Matre oh poor me tantrums!!! SHe told me to get the F out of her house... I was about to walk out... I told her she didn't want this battle with me, because she would never see those kids again... and if she didn't believe me go and talk to the rest of my family!!!

I told her she was delusional, full of s-h-*- t.... she pushed and pushed us and her other son away from her... all of the things husband could not say, I made him say!!! SHe told me I was horrible and NO-ONE had ever spoken to her like that... I said well I didn't ask for any of this...

I told her you can't create a family that doesn't exsist, you can't use guilt and you can't pretend that K is fine!!! She isn't... no matter if you want her to be or not. I told her I grew up with this and did she for one freaking minute stop and think about all of this felt for me, to be reliving all of this... I told her to stop playing the pity card and being so selfish, and think about K, she had been going on and on for months about how they cried at night because they fely so helpless and because we would not let them help... I kept trying to explain to them, we were trying to get a diagnosis and they could help by reading and just listening when we needed to talk... and that we would let them know.
THat wasn't good enough...
So the huge blowup when we were in CHicago getting K her diagnosis from the psychiatrist1...
SO the past year I have tried to change a bit because these are K and N's only grandparents that they will really see and spend time with, and I really do like them when they are acting sane!!!

I think mother in law has tried also... basically I am calling the shots... but somethings are just crazy, like this whole Grandpa thing!!! How do you tell an 85 yo senile man "NO" ...

I have put my foot down and we are spending holidays here !!!! YEAH!!! but this oh well... it just is going to be bizarre... I like the tape idea. We do that for mother in law, send them tapes of the girls singing and talking...

 

[Star*]

It's scary...actually, how much BBK and I think alike. Except I was thinking = horse trailer.

WHOAAAAAAAAA


Kudos to husband.

 

[susiestar]

Hon if he is senile will he even remember what you said?

When my gpa was in his decline, I was the one who could handle him. I told him things were his idea, and he didn't have the memory to say they were not. He got the care he needed, didn't hurt anyone during a tantrum, was happy, and was proud of himself for taking care of whatever it was.

I call this a win-win situation!! :rofl:

If he is not able to remember things, gantly suggest things and thank him for the idea or for helping.

It may not owrk, but it might be worth a try. Everyone told me it wouldn't work with gpa, but it did. I also heard it was not honest and was manipulative. I saw it as getting him the care he needed without upsetting him. And it also helped him eat. I woudl tell him he "orderd" the food from the cafeteria in the nursing home (when it got to that point) and he would eat, otherwise he wouldn't eat.

Good luck, maybe this will help???

 

[totoro]

I don't know if he is truly "senile" or in shock from his wife passing? He is just really confused, from what I gather... I took care of my Grandfather, when I was 20. He was full blown Alzheimers... never knew him until that year. My Dear sweet Dad let me live with him for a year to help me get started in college... I spent the whole taking care of his dad, building his house and taking care of his farm... while he fabricated some story about how he was dying... My dad is still alive!??!

But the year with my Grandfather was actually enlightening... tiring.

Thanks Susie... I think it will be fine. It was just the shock of trhe whole thing... "You want us to do WHAT?"

husband leaves in the morning!

The only condition I have is absolutely NO salt in the coffee!!! That is sacred... I will break fingers...
He pours salt (a lot) into the filter with the ground coffee??? YUCK... I am an admitted coffee snob... worked at a roastery for a few years.