Oh Really?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Jan 24, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    So, difficult child was on a roll this afternoon/night. It started out with him being annoyed with his brother and then he turned on me because I was defending easy child who, in my opinion, didn't really do anything wrong, but that's besides the point.

    So, he's screaming at me and I'm doing my best to completely ignore him because if I say anything I will completely explode in his face and that would do nothing but make it worse. Then he comes out with, "I can never be happy here because you're always so mean and nasty to me. I wish you were dead so that Dad could marry someone nice!"

    Hmmmmm.....I think that I will remember this when he expects me to take him bowling this coming weekend.
     
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Better yet... Go bowling without him... You have the right idea!!!
     
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Well, the thing is, I was supposed to take him bowling while husband and easy child are at hockey practice. Now? I think not!
     
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Bunny, I have been there more times than I can count. I have gotten to where I do exactly as you said, "if I'm so mean then I guess I WON'T take you bowling because MEAN parents don't do ANYTHING nice for their kids. Guess you can make your own supper because only nice parents do that. Guess I can throw all your toys away because only nice parents buy toys for their kids." Get the idea? I did that once and I did it up GOOD so now all I have to do is remind difficult child 1 that I can be mean if he REALLY wants me to....and he stops. Now, if I could only get him to think of that BEFORE he says it....but, that's the long-term goal and we're not there yet. LOL
     
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry, I bet more than half of us can relate..... I had to listen to a two hour long constant droaning on and on about how if I am going to ignore him then i am gonna find out what is going to happen and it is not going to be good and his teacher said that if you ignore people you are not going to get far in life so I should take a lesson from mrs sp ed teacher and if I dont then I will just end up with a huge slap in my face and am I ready to stop ignoring now because I can go ahead and call the cops because he is gonna tell them that I am ignoring him and and and... Oh LORD help me...

    Really, I simply answered the little nice things taht came up so I was not ignoring HIM only the negative talk. Finally I said, oh time to run errands and he just changed his tune, had been totally stuck again... we had a wonderful hour running errands. It was very very bizarre.
     
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah. DO remember that when you go bowling. "Honey, you should ask Daddy's new wife-to-be. I'm busy this weekend."
    Okay, sarcasm doesn't build a good relationship but it's temporarily satisfying.
     
  7. mazdamama

    mazdamama New Member

    I love TeDo's idea !! Yep....I am the mean Mom too and darn proud of it. Was hard to go from being a grandma to the boys to Mom but I had to do what I had to do. According to law we have to provide a roof over their heads, does not matter what the house looks like, we have to provide food to them, hey mac and cheese is a complete protein, and drink...water is great for the body, and of course clothing....thrift shop here we come.
     
  8. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    My son fired me once while we were driving back from a relative's house...I pulled over and got out of the car. I just walked around the other side to fix the DVD player--but it only took that long for him to be terrified...felt kind of bad, actually. But not too bad. :sheepish:
     
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Well, score one for mom!!

    I had taken away his controllers to his Xbox (he refused to empty the dishwasher because he was mad at his brother. Refusal to do chores results in loss of a privledge). He asked me when he was going to get them back. I told him "Not anytime soon. See what happens when you say that you wish I was dead?"

    He later asked if I could come up to his room because he wanted to talk to me. He said he was sorry, but that it was only because I made him angry that he said that to me. I told him that it was hurtful to say something like that to anyone and that I would never say that to his, to easy child, or to husband. And I told him that I have to put up with his crap because I'm his mother and I have no choice, but that there are going to be alot of people that he meets along the way who are not going to put up with him saying such nasty things to them and that he had better learn to think before he opens that mouth.

    And then I walked away. He's SO not happy because I told him that he won't be getting his controllers back until after school tomorrow, at the earliest, and that if he opens his mouth again to say something mean to me, he won't be getting them back at any point tomorrow. He's not happy, but his mouth is closed.
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Careful.
    You need to have SOME activities that are "relationship builders", and NOT tied to behavior. Only reason for deferral is sickness, or if difficult child is so out of control as to be unsafe.
     
  11. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Absolutely. BUT, nowhere in the law does it say that you have to COOK the food, just provide it. As long as there is food they are CAPABLE of preparing or cold substitutes that fill the dietary requirements, you're legal. AND just remember that the roof over their heads has to be SAFE. No plywood huts with nails sticking out of the walls & ceiling. LOL

    :devil:To be perfectly honest, it was FUN playing the MEAN MOM for a few hours. After all, I can play Mommy Dearest as well as the next person (minus the abuse of course). I didn't need to go THAT far. Just MAJOR inconveniences for a while did the trick. LOL
     
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Good for you!

    I was going to suggest something similar...that you really have to start turning the tables on this kid. You have explained over and over...you have addressed it in therapy....and now I think you are doing exactly the right thing by demonstrating how his words affect you.

    BUT - I think you should leave out the part about how you "have no choice but to put up with his cr@p" because actually, Mom DOES have a choice. Mom CAN walk away...Mom CAN go away for a weekend...Mom CAN do something away from difficult child if he is going to be nasty to her.

    {Insane--I know that we disagree on this one...but I don't think that "relationship-building" means that Mom gets treated with disrespect before, during and after the activity. That's the game we played for YEARS...and I've finally had enough. I don't do "realtionship-building" activities just for the sake of doing them....I DO require respectful behavior before doing things with difficult child. Do difficult child and I have a "good relationship"?...well, things are rocky - but I get a HECK of a lot more respect these days than I used to.}

    Bunny - you GO, girl! Remember that your job is to be the mother difficult child needs...NOT the mother he wants.
     
  13. myeverything04

    myeverything04 New Member

    This really hit home with me as I'm struggling with the whole "you are a mean mom... you used to be nice but now you aren't!" (I'm trying to gain control in my house but never had any!). Thanks for posting this! I love it :)
     
  14. myeverything04

    myeverything04 New Member

    LMAO!! I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time, but a child can't 'fire' a parent. Nice try on your sons part but it doesn't work that way. difficult child told me (when she was 4) that she was running away to her BFF's house. I told her "good luck because they won't buy you diapers so I guess you will HAVE to learn to go in the potty." Then she changed her mind :)
     
  15. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    After I said that to him I felt like I made a mistake because now he's going to feel like I have to take his nonsense. He does know, however, that I will walk away because I an not going to take his abuse. As I have told him on more than one occasion, his father doesn't speak to me like that and I would not take it from him if he did. I do not have to take it from him. I know, two different messages. Like I said, as soon as I said it I knew it was wrong.

    We'll see how the rest of the week goes before I make the decision about bowling on Sunday. If this becomes the only bump in the road during the week, then I'll take him. As the week goes on if he continues to be diffucult I will make him aware that his beloved bowling is in jeopardy and that if he doesn't change his tune, and change it real quick, the he's not going to be going.

    I understand that "relationship building" activities should not be contingent on good behavior, but I feel no great need to spend time with someone who treats me worse than the dirt on the bottom of his shoes. I wouldn't do it if it were my husband, I'm not going to do it witha child who should know better. It's not like difficult child doesn't know that if he wants things he needs to be respectful (at the very least).
     
  16. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    Such a good reminder. They're more than their behaviors. Very challenging, but I see how it's necessary to build/preserve the relationship.
     
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    been there done that. The only way we could turn around our difficult child was to increase the non-negotiable relationship-building activities. It was completely counter-intuitive. Took a long time to get husband on-side. But it's really the only thing that worked in changing his behavior and attitude at home. The more you feed the "us vs. you" mentality, the bigger the gap gets, and the LESS respect he has for you... and the problems get worse.

    Its really hard to navigate this. It really, really is. I get that.
    But... if the relationship isn't healthy, it is more important to work on the relationship than to work on the behaviors.
     
  18. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I think a lot depends upon the diagnosis.

    My ADHD son really improved when we focused on the relationship instead of the behavior.

    My personality-disordered daughter? We have found that it is more important to work on boundaries...without boundaries, her behavior is abusive - physically, mentally, emotionally. And I will take respectful, but somewhat "distant" over violent and "close" any day.
     
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Absolutely.
    When there are MH issues like "personality-disordered", it becomes very difficult if not impossible to build a normal relationship.
     
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think the best lesson from what Df and IC were saying is that the best way to handle it depends on the problems and their root cause.

    Wiz was very very careful when telling me of my defects. He was pretty sure that "mean mommy" was NOT what he wanted to say by about age 7. I can remember telling him that I guess if I was MEAN then I didn't buy him this and didn't take him there and he wasn't eating a chocolate chip cookie that I baked because mean mommies don't do that stuff. The next step was to ask him if he wanted me to live down to the "mean mommy" expectations? and do it the times he was idiotic enough to say yes.

    We also had a HUGE issue with him telling me that all I did was "yell" at him. I finally stopped this by actually yelling EVERY WORD I said to him for an entire day. Including things I said out in public. He was five and "DO YOU HAVE TO POTTY NOW?" was NOT something he wanted everyone at the playground to hear. It worked, and I was SO GLAD because I couldn't speak at all the next day - laryngitis from all the yelling. LOLOL but true!
     
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