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Oh where do I begin? New here.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 634233" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome my heart. I'm glad you're here. We really DO understand where you're coming from, we've been in or are in your shoes. </p><p></p><p>It is a sad story we share and yet, we are powerless to change it. We have no control over another persons life, as much as we would want to change it, we can't. You didn't go wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, you have 3 other kids doing great, it isn't anything YOU did or didn't do. Each of us here has at least one adult child who went off the rails no matter what we did. It is what it is, that is what we all have to learn to accept. It is not an easy path. My best advice to you is to seek out as much support as you can. A private therapist, a counselor, Al Anon, CoDa, a parent group, any courses that NAMI offers (National Alliance on Mental Illness--you can access them online, they have chapters everywhere.)</p><p></p><p>You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, it is very helpful. </p><p></p><p>This is a process for us. We have to learn a new way to respond to our adult kids. We have to learn to step back out of the fray and allow them to face the consequences of their choices. We have to learn to accept what we can't change. We have to learn to let go of control, and to let go of our kids and their choices. Not to say you don't always love them and want the best for them, and if they show some progress along the way, that you don't step in to assist in some small ways.........but really, the onus is on them, once they are 18 our parental rights are over and they can choose the lifestyle they wish to live. What we think of that lifestyle is really irrelevant, so we learn to accept, we learn to let go, we learn to refrain from offering advice, money, resources........</p><p></p><p>We go through a lot.......we grieve the loss of the dreams for our kids, we grieve the loss of a normal life for our kids, normal defined by our own standards of living which most of our kids don't want to live or can't live. We feel guilt that we somehow caused this with our parenting, we feel shame that our kids are troubled while most of our friends and families have perfect kids doing all the right things. We feel anger and resentment that we are cast in this role we didn't choose. We feel sorrow for all the losses. There are many emotions we go through as we begin to heal and recognize and accept that this is how it is. </p><p></p><p>It sounds daunting and in many ways it is, but we can find ways to respond differently, we can learn tools to utilize to make a difference in our own lives so we can come to a place where we can let go and begin to thrive.</p><p></p><p>This was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but with a lot of support, a commitment to change and a determination to let go of what I can't control, I learned to accept what is and find my own sense of peace again. I still have ups and downs, but they are NOTHING compared to the roller coaster ride through hell I was on before. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting My Heart, you'll find solace and support here. You'll be able to navigate this treacherous landscape a lot better with support.......and you'll feel a lot better too. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 634233, member: 13542"] Welcome my heart. I'm glad you're here. We really DO understand where you're coming from, we've been in or are in your shoes. It is a sad story we share and yet, we are powerless to change it. We have no control over another persons life, as much as we would want to change it, we can't. You didn't go wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, you have 3 other kids doing great, it isn't anything YOU did or didn't do. Each of us here has at least one adult child who went off the rails no matter what we did. It is what it is, that is what we all have to learn to accept. It is not an easy path. My best advice to you is to seek out as much support as you can. A private therapist, a counselor, Al Anon, CoDa, a parent group, any courses that NAMI offers (National Alliance on Mental Illness--you can access them online, they have chapters everywhere.) You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, it is very helpful. This is a process for us. We have to learn a new way to respond to our adult kids. We have to learn to step back out of the fray and allow them to face the consequences of their choices. We have to learn to accept what we can't change. We have to learn to let go of control, and to let go of our kids and their choices. Not to say you don't always love them and want the best for them, and if they show some progress along the way, that you don't step in to assist in some small ways.........but really, the onus is on them, once they are 18 our parental rights are over and they can choose the lifestyle they wish to live. What we think of that lifestyle is really irrelevant, so we learn to accept, we learn to let go, we learn to refrain from offering advice, money, resources........ We go through a lot.......we grieve the loss of the dreams for our kids, we grieve the loss of a normal life for our kids, normal defined by our own standards of living which most of our kids don't want to live or can't live. We feel guilt that we somehow caused this with our parenting, we feel shame that our kids are troubled while most of our friends and families have perfect kids doing all the right things. We feel anger and resentment that we are cast in this role we didn't choose. We feel sorrow for all the losses. There are many emotions we go through as we begin to heal and recognize and accept that this is how it is. It sounds daunting and in many ways it is, but we can find ways to respond differently, we can learn tools to utilize to make a difference in our own lives so we can come to a place where we can let go and begin to thrive. This was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but with a lot of support, a commitment to change and a determination to let go of what I can't control, I learned to accept what is and find my own sense of peace again. I still have ups and downs, but they are NOTHING compared to the roller coaster ride through hell I was on before. Keep posting My Heart, you'll find solace and support here. You'll be able to navigate this treacherous landscape a lot better with support.......and you'll feel a lot better too. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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