Ok, here goes nothing. Kinda long.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    To add insult to injury, I had this all typed and lost it...so now, Im typing it again.

    I have never put this in writing. I have never typed this. I have only spoken it a time or 2, to people I was paying.

    Ever.

    When I was 13, I was raped by a boy who was 17. I'd really like to put his name here, but I don't think I should. NOthing was ever done about it. My parents knew. My mom was mortified. Locked herself in her room for weeks. My dad did his best to pretend it didn't happen. Meanwhile, even small town USA knew. The boy even bragged about it in the pool hall, which happened to be next door to the community theatre building, so I even saw him fairly frequently. He'd always wink and smile, and I'd just run away.

    At school, I got heckled about it. One day, I walked into the woodshop to pick up a project. We had routered signs with our last names on it. Another student asked to see mine, and from across the room, another student yelled "it says XXXXX XXXX!" (the name of the rapist).

    I lived in that community til I graduated from college and left. It was brought up off and on til I left by some folks that weren't so kind. I have always been ashamed. Classmates find me on facebook, and that's the first thing I think of if they were ones who heckled me or not. I recently accepted a friend request on facebook from the kid that yelled at me ini woodshop. Why, I don't know.

    My mom dealt with it by being absolutely repulsed by me. For weeks, she avoided me. Locked herself in her room. Oh, the shame I brought to her. She even asked me how she was supposed to go to work and face the community. My dad, he just went on. And me?

    After about 8 months, I went nuts and spent 4 months being a total difficult child. I'd met a boy who was older, and was nice to me and it was downhill from there. Of course, I was forbidden to see him, because "you know what boys do", but I snuck out to see him, anyway. He cared about me. Or so I thought.

    He cared right up til I called and told him I was pregnant. We were on a family camping trip. I stashed change for 3 days to get enough to call him on a payphone. I told him and he told me to "take care of it" and that was pretty much it. I think I called him twice more, and he made it clear, the problem was mine. Deal with it. He quit answering, so I quit calling.

    When it was obvious I was pregnant (which was about 7 months, by the way, I was very small), I had to tell my folks. I was mortified. My dad was raised Mennonite, and even tho he didn't practice, he was very old fashioned and strict. I feared he would kill me. I was also VERY afraid of the shame and guilt. If being raped had brought as much shame and guilt and pain as it had, how were people going to treat me if they knew I'd brought this on myself!??!?! So when I told my parents, I refused to say who the father was or where or anything else about it. I just clammed up and had a mystery baby.

    Mom holed up in her room. Dad? He could "stuff" a rape, but a baby? You can't hide from a baby in your house and pretend it doesn't exist. He was irate. Irate with me, irate with everything.

    The baby was born. Extended family helped raise him. My parents grew to love him and shed the stigma attached to this "*******" child. Even my dad, tho I must admit, I think him being the first grandson had a lot to do with that. You know him now as easy child 1.

    But I was always ashamed. I finished high school in that community. I went from being the girl that was raped to the girl that had a baby. I had friends, a couple of really close ones, but I never even told them the truth.

    easy child 1 was a huge part of our family growing up. Dad was very proud of him. He'd take him in his little farmer mud boots to the coffee shop when he was little, they'd drive the tractors together, etc...for the family, it turned out ok. Despite the rough start, things turned out ok, and easy child was very much an accepted part of the family.

    I would occassionally run into the father at the gas station or festivals, etc, but he never acknowledged me. Sometimes I would have easy child with me. Sometimes not. But never anything.

    Over the years, easy child occassionally asked about his father. I told him when he was old enough, I would tell him. And then I worried about how to tell a child their father was just down the road, but didn't want them? The last time easy child had asked was about 5 years ago.

    A year ago, a friend of my mom's called me. The father knew this guy was a friend of my mom's and knew me, and had asked this friend about easy child 1 and said some day he wanted to meet him. I acknowledged that yes, that was his kid, and that was it. I stewed about it...part of me was worried about dredging up the past. The other part of me was releived that I would have an answer for easy child when he asked again. I posted about it in PE. I think I used the name Heather. Everone told me to not say anything to easy child, so I didn't. And easy child never asked again.

    easy child texted me today. Father had contacted him via facebook.

    I was suprisingly ok with it. easy child didn't ask me much, and that's ok, too. I figure he will in time.

    Later, the aunt that helped raise easy child called me to see if I was ok. easy child had talked to her. I was glad about that. Until she said this man told easy child I had hidden easy child from him and he never knew about him. And then all the anger about everything just came rushing in. I did enough bad stuff, but I did NOT hide easy child from this man. He was a huge part of our life in a tiny community. My mom worked at the bank where father banked, she had pics of easy child on the wall. Granted, I never sent him a birth announcement, but come on...he made his position very clear...I told him I was pregnant, and 9 months later, I had a kid....a kid that grew up with us...a kid that never had a dad!

    There is not a soul in the world who can vouch for my side of the story. Not a soul. I don't even think I will attempt to "stand up" for myself unless easy child asks. But I am just...hurt.

    I try to do what's right, and it just seems that no matter what, it bites me in the ass. The whole BS thing with easy child/difficult child? Mom being all concerned about her getting sick too easy if she goes camping? She showed up today in shorts and a tshirt. High of 48. Low of 30. But I am the bad guy.

    Ran into DEX's whackjob girlfriend today. Wee stayed in the car while I paid for a card in the tiny store in town. She pulled into the parking lot and she and her daughter and 8 month old grandson went to my truck and opened the door to talk to Wee. Then I saw Wee on her phone. When I left the store and met her and her daughter in the parking lot, I said hi. The daughter said hi and that they'd spoken to Wee. I commented that the baby had grown, said he was cute, etc. WHen I said "see ya later", the daughter said bye. Whackjob never even acknowledged my presence.

    When I got in the truck, Wee said DEX was gonna buy him great birhtday presents. Whackjob had called DEX and let Wee talk to him because Wee "never gets to see or talk to him".

    Even if I WAS the reason DEX didn't see Wee, Wee has been at DEX's mom's house at least 4 times a week for the past 5 months. But no...I am the bad guy there, too.

    The Broom's pulled in my drive about 4:45. They parked in front of the barn to wait for husband. Didn't even acknowledge me in the drive working on my truck...just drove right past. I am the bad guy there, too.

    I don't even know how I feel about easy child and his father right now. I'm glad for easy child that questions will be answered. I really am. I'm glad I never have to tell him his father doesn't want him. I did plenty of things wrong in that situation, and I've paid dearly for them, but g*d d***it I did not hide easy child in the least.

    I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I just feel like I need to say it. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. And for the rest of tonight, I don't give a **** what's right and what's not...I'm just gonna do whatever.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I read it all- and you have really been carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders. Have you ever discussed any of the history with a counselor? It might help- I don't know you could have avoided PTSD- not to mention the damage to your psyche from how your parents handled things. I understand- I went thru similar, as you prbably know- and my mother's reaction was "how could YOU (me) do this to ME (her). Never mind that she was the one who brought the man to live there with us. BUt back to the point, it is very common for families to treat the young girl that way after something like that happens, sadly. And with everything else going on around you lately, it's no wonder that you feel this from a lot of people- but sometimes it's kind of an extension of the original, horrid event that never got dealt with appropriately. Not that they aren't real situations- they are- we just somehow get stuck in them over and over.

    My guess is that you've hit overload and a lot of it has to do with your first son's father popping up in his life and saying that- I can see something like that happening in my son's life someday, too. I don't really know how I'll handle it if it actually does happen, but right now I look at it like even though I have no one to vouch for my side of the story either, I have always told difficult child the truth about the situation (age appropriately) and difficult child knows what kind of person I am so difficult child will have to weigh things himself and hopefully, he will conclude that I did not prevent a willing and loving father from being in his life- as painful as that truth is.

    As far as tonight- go for it, girl! Do whatever you want! Just remember, there will be a tomorrow.
     
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Is there anything I can do to help? Listen? Cry with you?

    You have been carrying a way too heavy load. Have a quiet, peaceful evening.
     
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh yes, PTSD is a big part of my world. I spent a lot of years in counseling. And really, it wasn't hard to talk to the aunt, or easy child, or type all this. I was somewhat suprised at that.

    I know I have hit overload. I have never "hidden", but I am considering it now. I don't know if the consideration is very real or not, but the idea of going somewhere that easy child/difficult child isn't, and DEX's whackjob girlfriend isn't (its not even DEX...how sad is that?), and the broom closet isn't, is just overwhelmingly appealing right now.

    And I'm 200 miles from the town where I grew up...
     
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Shari? We love you...

    Beth
     
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oddly enough, even though I rarely discuss those horrid things from my past, (except for here), sometimes it feels like the right thing to tell someone- maybe it helps them understand something or like when I testified about it in court for difficult child's mental health treatment when I still felt like my bro might have a chance of getting custody of difficult child. But, it still has a pretty strong impact on me sometimes- and I've noticed that I handle it fine unless someone on the receiving end of the story reacts the same way as so many other ignorant people- if they "get it", somehow I can talk about it and be fine. Hang in there- go talk to a therapist again if you need to unload about it all- or write about it then destroy the papers, if that helps you. Is your husband aware and supportive?
     
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Shari---just a hug. You have no reason to hide. You can't control what others say and do. You can only control your own reactions to what they say and do. I'm sorry that you've carried this load for so long. easy child will understand the truth. Once a jerk, always and jerk, and the father will show his true colors as soon as the novelty wears off.
     
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ya know, EW, I think you have just hit the nail on the head with that statement "once a jerk, always a jerk"...I think part of why I'm angry is because I was hoping, when this finally came to pass, we could approach it as adults...I would accept responsibility for my part, he would accept responsibility for his part, and hopefully easy child would have someone, that, while never going to be a "father", would be someone that could/would be a part of his world, and hopefully someone that would be a decent human being. I think father might be an ok person these days. Ironically, he has a 20 year old daughter (easy child is 21). But the dream of the blame game is obviously shattered already.

    And in light of the other situations, where I try to do what I think is right...its just...heavy tonight. In this chaotic world, no wonder so many people just say to **** with it and give up. And the more I learn, the more I realize that about 3rd grade social skills are all people really use, anyway...

    Thanks all. NOt sure I ever "fit", anywhere, but at least here, I don't feel like an outsider.
     
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Shari--

    Thank you for sharing all of this. it must have been very hard to open up--but once your released the 'floodgates', it seems everything came pouring out.

    I wish I had something wise to say...something comforting...something that will make it all better. But I haven't the words. Maybe there aren't any?

    A friend once told me that sometimes we get stuck as though we are waiting to get our parking pass validated....and until we get that "stamp", that "OK", that "Approval"...we are trapped in a sort of limbo. We cannot move forward. We...just.........wait........

    It sounds like you've been waiting for a very long time.

    And it sounds like you've been looking to all the wrong sources for that approval. You've been looking to parents and to husbands and to neighbors--but none of these people can really give you the approval that you need. You have to give it to yourself.

    You are no less deserving of love than anyone in the whole world. I hope you find a way to truly believe that...

    I will be thinking of you.

    --DaisyFace
     
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Shari -

    I have a hundred thoughts running through my head, but I think the big one is: doing what is right doesn't mean you have to accept abuse or mistreatment from others.

    You carry this huge burden of doing what is right for everyone else, except they're not interested in what's right. I think it's common for those of us with a traumatic past to have a profound sense of right and wrong. And I think there is some psychology to doing what is right because it is somehow going to fix everything - show everyone that we're worth something - that we're good people - that we're not screw ups or a failure - to provide some kind of validation. But, it doesn't. And everytime we get shot down, or blamed, or accused, or whatever, it just kinda reinforces the need to keep doing it. And it makes the frustration worse and brings those old wounds back up front.

    I don't know if I'm making any sense.

    The thing is - most people want what they want and they're not interested in if it's right or not. The only thing you can do is be who you are. The people that matter will appreciate you for who you are; and the rest don't matter.
     
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Very well said, Heather! There are validation issues, approval issues, acceptance issues, along with an overwhelming compulsion to make a right out of a wrong. Unfortunately, the rest of society is typically focusing on their own agendas.
     
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And ya know, these things haven't been major issues in my world again until relatively recently.
     
  13. WolfeeDarlin

    WolfeeDarlin New Member

    I am new to this forum...this is actually my first post. I wanna say "Amen Heather!"

    And, just keep on doing what you are doing, Shari, cuz it is right for you & easy child and that's all that matters.
     
  14. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    {{{Hugs}}}
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Shari...just hugs.
     
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Shari... You DO fit here. You are part of us, a very important part especially to me (!)... I am sending you a lot of hugs. Right now I am processing your post. I know it took a LOT to start that thread and you know what? I am really glad you did. Your story actually is helping me deal with the fact that my friend H is going through a lot of similar things right now. Different situation, of course, but I love her to death and your posting this gave me another way to look at it and maybe help her.

    I know you are one of the most loving people I've heard. You're very frustrated right now, and in pain - and all I can really offer is lots of hugs. But believe me, you are awesome. I know we've never met in real life, but I wish I could come over, bring you some homemade hot cocoa, and just hug you.
     
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know what is strange is that so many of us that go through attacks, rapes and assaults we deal with the trauma better than others. It seems like it is the rest of the world who is ashamed or doesn't know how to act or accept that you can go on living.
    I have heard so many times and had it happen as well, about parents hiding from reality when their child is raped or abused.

    Sometimes we can learn to deal with our own emotions rather well. It is everyone else's that makes it more of a challenge. It seems like you have handled so much more than most, better than most, with a ton more grace...

    You need a break so bad right now. I feel for you and wish there was some way you and wee could escape for a bit.
     
  18. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I hope to talk to easy child soon. So far, absolutely nothing seems different betweeen us. I hope it remains that way.

    The freaks in my world? They aren't even major issues now...I gripe about them because those 3 people just suck the life out of me over **** that is just so...irrelevent...and I am "stuck" with them, at least for a while (now a 4th, but I don't foresee father being much "in my life"...presence, yes; in it, no. Like DEX, present, but not involved).

    I have an amazing group of friends; a compilation of people who I like, who like me, we have similar interests and get together frequently, AND they accept Wee for who and what he is. I have not any of the CD board members in person, but I still consider you all "friends", nonetheless. I love this place and the folks that make it what it is. Here, I am "normal". While my friends are wonderful and accepting, it challenges them to truly understand. You guys "get it".

    I gripe about husband, but quite honestly, a lot of things I gripe about are my doing. In an effort to remain independant, I've taught him he doesn't have to do much for me. (this isn't everything...he could get off his duff, and, you know...get a car or something...) I'm working on teaching something new.

    Just what caught me last night....21 years, and bam let's play the blame game, right out of the chute. Perhaps I should call him up and remind him that he didn't want easy child to exist...? Nah. He made his position very clear when he stopped taking the calls. He made his position very clear all thru the years that easy child grew up very publicly in that community. Those will be his demons, not mine.

    I guess I just needed to vent the whole story.
    THank you all for everything, always!
     
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs))))
     
  20. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Shari, I don't think I exhaled one single time as I was reading your post. It took great courage to let that all out for others to see. Rape really is a feminist issue. Historically, when a besieged city was seized by the enemy, the first thing the "warriors" did was rape the women. It's all about power. I have two close relatives who were raped, this act was inflicted on each one twice. In the case of my aunt, my mother denied that it had happened. She was more comfortable believing that her sister had "asked for it". My mother and her sister were molested by their father. Mother denied it. That was the only way she could live with that awful fact.

    I wonder if you let this all out because you are supremely fed up with people pointing the finger at Wee, the way that finger was pointed at you for so long in your community. You couldn't protect yourself without the help of your parents and your community. You seem to be the only champion for your boy.

    Your parents are a pretty sad case, they almost sound like they come from a different culture. My daughter is 13 y.o. and I would claw my way through the legal system if someone violated her heart and soul. I know our difficult children would be out for blood if their sis got hurt.

    You certainly deserved better than what this life has handed you. I'm so very sorry and I will always think of you as a true warrior.
     
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