OK - I am messed up

[Steely]

I am so scared. I am falling apart. Everything seems wrong - is wrong. My boss at work keeps telling me all of the things I am doing incorrectly. And I just cannot take it. I know I should be able to, but I can't. I left early today, crying. I have never done that in my life. It seems possible I am having a nervous breakdown of sorts.

I miss H. more than words can even describe. And I am falling apart.

My dad is not doing well, and I am afraid his cancer is back. A year ago he was only given 6 months.

What am I going to do? I feel like my whole life I have been in a vortex of negative energy, and anything and everything around me that is bad sticks to me. I was just feeling like I was going to get it all straight with my new career - and then H.

And now my boss, and this other employee that is telling lies about me, and past due bills, and the aberrant neighbors, and difficult child not having a grip, and....and...and. I am completely defeated. And if it was not for difficult child, I would be contemplating things that are unmentionable. I just feel like giving up.

I really am a good person. I am the most caring & empathic person I have every met. Perhaps that is the problem. Maybe I need to stop caring.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Believe it or not, it really helps to post my thoughts, even if they are disjointed and disconnected.

 

[Hound dog]

Sweetie,

That's why we're here. And honestly we don't mind.

If you haven't done so already, I'd made an appointment with a psychiatrist to help you thur this, and therapist too. You sound as if you're plunging into depression. Not too surprising with all you've had to deal with of late.

And when my depression hit my anxiety went straight thru the roof. psychiatrist can give you something that will help with both.

Wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you. Many many warm gentle ((((hugs)))).

 

[klmno]

Steely, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time with so many things at once. I also can only suggest to keep posting, and talk to a therapist and psychiatrist. You have had to deal with so much the past few months, no one could go through all this without needing support systems and someone to "get it all out" with- you know a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen, etc. It can overtake a person so easily without an "outlet", Occupational Therapist (OT) two!!

You are such a good person, I just hate what you are going through. ((HUGS))

Now, please, go let someone hug you in person and find someone to talk to in person, as well as posting here...

 

[trinityroyal]

You are such a good person, I just hate what you are going through. ((HUGS))

Now, please, go let someone hug you in person and find someone to talk to in person, as well as posting here...

Klmno said what I was going to say Steely.
You have so much to deal with already, without having to deal with work stress and evil co-workers on top of it.

Get thee to a psychiatrist and therapist, and keep posting here.

Sending many warm and gentle {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Trinity

 

[totoro]

Can ANYONE help you out right now? Your parents difficult child's bio-Dad? I know it isn't what you want long term, but you need a break and what good are you to difficult child if you aren't there for him, emotionally, mentally or at all one day?
I have had to ask my in-laws for help a few times when I was not doing well, your situation is so much more, but they are not very good at helping, AT ALL.
They make things so much worse...
But I would have been worse in the long run... way worse.
Sometimes we have to admit we need help, and ask those that we thought we never would... I don't know if you have any one else to ask? You need some support and some help. You need to help your self for a little bit, take a breather... re-access things without the added stress.
I know easier said than done. But maybe difficult child would be OK for little while? Would Bio-Dad maybe help???

I am so sorry... I wish I could just take it all away for you... I hate your suffering. I can only hope that one day you soon you will emerge from this and you will be even more beautiful and even more caring, empathetic and all of the things that we love about you... because you are.

 

[flutterbee]

(((hugs)))

 

[everywoman]

A big hug. No words. No answers. Just a shoulder and an ear.

 

[Steely]

Thanks.

I did see therapist today, which seemed to start my spiral downwards. I just couldn't do work by the time I got there and had to listen to my boss list my inadequacies, after talking about my grief for an hour to t-doctor.

My t-doctor has not ever advocated me seeking a p-doctor for my medications, but perhaps I need more than Lexapro, and need to go against her advice.

I was able to convey to t-doctor today my absolute guilt and shame in the sister I was to H. And the fact that I cannot forgive myself for who I was as a sister to H. She was/is my younger sister. I was sexually abused. I re-created that sexual abuse with H. when we were little. I am not sure she ever forgave me. I know I will never forgive myself. I have never told anyone else this besides t-doctor. And I hope to God no one else that I know is able to identify me through this post. But I have to tell someone about this. It is eating my core alive. I feel so responsible for her unhappiness in life - and what if she did commit suicide - and my abuse was one of the many reasons for her needing to do that. I can rationalize all day long why I did that - and my counselor says it is a text book case of what sexually abused children do to others - but I still cannot forgive myself.

I just really feel as if I am going to die. And I need a break from this world.

I have jury duty tomorrow, and I do not think I can fathom even being around another crime after all I have been through with H., and the police. It was only 6 weeks ago. In fact, the investigation is still ongoing. Maybe they will let me off if I tell them I am mentally unstable?

Everything is crashing. And if I lose my job, than I am just the biggest failure in the world.

 

[tryinghard]

Steely,

I am so sorry...gentle hugs...

I do agree with the others that you should go see a doctor right away.

When I am feeling down, I cannot take any type of critizism at all. It just makes me more depressed and I have a really hard time processing it.

You have been through so much, and I know how hard a difficult child is to deal with, I is overwhelming.

Please keep posting if it makes you feel better...we are here to listen.

 

[klmno]

Some part of you has to KNOW that you are not the cause of your sister's outcome. Whatever incident of this sort that you went through is obviously horrible- not just to you, but it does effect the whole family. You are not the blame for that. Obviously, your sister did not blame you or you would not have had the relationship you did.

But, Steely, come on- you have had this death to deal with, on top of difficult child issues, on top of your own internal, personal issues, and now this job situation- and you obviously have a WHOLE lot of your self-value tied to this job (you need to get over that in my humble opinion), and NO ONE could take all that without some help. If your sister called and said she was going through even half of these things, what would you suggest that she do? Now, please, go do it.. You waould have wanted that for your sister because you loved her, right? No, we can't take her place, but we do care for you too and want what is best for you.

Do you think this therapist is helping? If so, can you go more often? If not, can you find another one? If your on medications, it sounds like a discussion about dosage might be a good thing. Would it make you feel better or worse to just go out to dinner with difficult child one night?

I soooo wish I could just lift some of this weight off your shoulders...

 

[Lothlorien]

Listen, you have to take care of yourself. If you lose your job, you are not a failure.....especially after all that you've gone through. I hope things can work out, but hey....you may find yourself a lot happier working for a different, perhaps smaller, company. Sounds like there is an awful lot of politicing and pettiness. You don't need that right now. If you get fired, take a couple of weeks to get control of yourself and move onward. You can do this.

You cannot and should not blame yourself for what happened. therapist is absolutely right about that ....you were acting out the way you were taught. She forgave you...else how could you and she have been so close. Stop doing this to yourself.

Listen, you have to get a hold of yourself. I think going to a psychiatrist is a good idea.....at least for now. You've been through a lot recently and getting a bit stronger medications just may be the right thing for you, even just temporarily.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely,

You sister forgave you, dear, or the relationship you had with her would not have existed. Trust me on this one, I know what I'm talking about.

Seriously hon, you are in major crisis. Call psychiatrist first thing in the morning. Let them know you're in crisis. Do what you would do for difficult child if it were him, but do it for yourself this time.

(((hugs)))

 

[tiredmommy]

Steely, it's time to up your level of self and professional care. You are much too emotionally fragile to continue on the way you are right now. As for the job, I'm a former retail manager. I know personally how demanding the work can be and it's too much for you right now. That's not a negative judgement against you as a person ar your character. Stop worrying so much about the job and work on lining up a new one.

 

[witzend]

Daisy, you always say the right thing. Do what you would do for difficult child in this situation.

Steely, you need to take care of yourself. I have been where you are. More than once. All I can say is that life does get better. Regretting the past (especially something you did as an innocent child who didn't know better) solves nothing. Ask your parents for help. I know you don't want to, but you need to. I had to, and thank God I was able to move on from that, too. Today's the thing. Today and tomorrow.

 

[nvts]

Dear Steely,

I'm sitting here writing this eating my baby oatmeal (wicked stomach virus...only thing I can keep down!) and thinking long and hard about what you've posted.

Stop.

You have got to get a grip on yourself and understand some clear facts about suicide.

First: join a support group for people who have experienced a loved ones suicide.

http://dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Affected-By-Suicide/support-group

H. did what she did. It wasn't any "one" thing. But I will tell you this: although I've never met you, and I never met H, but as a woman about the same age with four sisters, there is NO WAY IN HELL that the two of you would have laughed and giggled and cried and supported and teased and joked as much as you two did if you were the cause of her action.

There are many horrors to deal with when it comes to suicide. When there isn't a note, it's a HUGE nightmare because so many people blame themselves and never find an answer.

But you also have to keep in mind (and I'm not saying this to hurt you): you were not the focus in her mind at the time that things played out, nor was her job, her dog, her parents, her friends, her boyfriend, her clubs, her hobbies, or anything else. Her focus was on herself and her private pain. The reason I call it private pain is that it was something that she wasn't willing to share. Period.

No matter what you "did" as children (I'm so sorry that you have to list "Survivor of Sexual Abuse" on your personal resume - although it's something that I experienced too), I truly believe that it doesn't have any bearing on what's gone on here.

You've got to get help from someone who's survived suicide. Only then are you going to believe that:

1. you're not alone
2. you're stronger than you think
3. there are people who are willing to help

I'm going to let you soak this in (and feel free to call me a big jerk if you want to! I don't mind!) and let us know if you tried the link.

Now I have a question for you.

How could YOU POSSIBLY be a failure if you lose a job because of a bunch of infantile, insecure, narcissistic, back-biting, childish, cry-baby, POS, namby-pamby, whining, maggots?

I'm puzzled!

Love ya kiddo!

We're all here for you!

Beth

 

[KTMom91]

I don't have anything else to add...except more hugs. Please take care of you.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Sweetheart,

It's all been said. You are fragile, like fine china right now, and if someone were to look at you crosseyed it would send you over the edge. Of course someone offering criticism is going to send you home crying.

You are in the bargaining stage of grief. "If this, then that." If only this had not happened, then maybe she'd still be here. It's all part of the process, and you need to work through it. It is NOT your fault that your sister passed. Your sister loved you fiercely.

I am so sorry for your pain. Wrapping my arms around you in a big hug, and just letting you cry it out.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

Call a local hospital in your area - see if you can attend a grief support group. I REALLY think you are a tactile learner. Meaning you have to see, touch, hear - to make sense of things. At this stage in your grief process you arent' able to do those things and little is making sense.

However - if you will allow yourself the luxury of physically GOING to a grief support group - I think being among people who will ALLOW you to cry, and fall apart without judging you would be enormously beneficial to your soul. I think you need one really really good blow out cry among people who are going through the same things as you are.

I can write you, I can tell you I'm sorry - but I have no idea what it's like to loose a sister the way you did. Then to have my father be in ill health, stress from a difficult child, my job not going well? I can imagine what it's like to walk in your shoes and have sympathy for you, but for your unique situation - that's all I can do. And at this point, as your friend - I do not think it is enough to HELP you. Am I making sense?

Currently you have an injury - and you have (crutches) to support you. This board is your crutches. We're holding you up. But we can't heal you. That's something that is going to take time, and more IMMEDIATE and LOCAL, tangible support. You need to talk to people who have like problems and hear their solutions and their pain too.

Many Hugs -
Star

 

[Abbey]

Steely,

At any given time half the world feels like a failure. It's human nature. Take the advice given. If you have the luxury of health insurance...use it. If your current doctor is not really listening, try another.

I quit my job because of health care issues. They were not willing to help me in the way I KNEW needed to be helped at a time that I was desperate. Unemployed for 6 months, get a bank job...scared the cr@p out of me, now a demo lady. If that doesn't hurt your ego a tad, I don't know what does. My career went down the drain. But, you move on.

I fortunately don't have to morn the loss of a sister, but daily morn the loss of a 22 year career. Small in comparison.

Sounds like you need a good therapist to just vent to and who could provide a plan to help you out of this depression. I guess you have thousands of therapists here!!

Abbey

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys. Every single one of you are correct. My self esteem is way too tied up in my career. I can't blame myself for H. internal pain. Or feel guilt to how I added to it - it is all in the past. And I do need more than just my cyber friends, but a group where we can cry together about out losses.

I imagine I will be fine. I do have an amazing counselor I could see every day if I could afford it. I just can't.

Thanks for all your support. Please keep me in your prayers, as I will keep you.